Grandma Thinks Grandson Is Her Child

I don't think this sounds like she thinks he is her kid. It sounds just like she cares about him. When I was in the hospital after my daughter was born my mom visted and saw a small spot on her that I told her was just part of her newborn complextion, but my mom was convinced it was a staph infection (in her defense my brother had spots when he was born that became fist sized lumps in less then 24hrs) I had to get my doctor in there to tell her the baby was fine.

I have a mute button in my head.

It doesn't always work, but usually I can just ignore it.

Sometimes.

Good luck. :)

You don't have to explain to her what boundaries are. You just have to set yours and stick to them yourself.

Your mom doesn't sound like a bad person, she just doesn't know where her responsibilities end and yours begin. If you haven't found them already, the books by Anne Katherine and Dr. Henry Cloud on Boundaries have some practical suggestions on what to do and say in various situations. I found them very helpful.

My mom used to act like this but stopped around the time my kid turned four. How did it happen? When she started getting pushy or possessive I'd just hang up and let my answering machine take her calls. I flat out told my mom "MOM! No news is GOOD news. If there are any new developments you'll be the FIRST to know. *click*"

Takes a few times but it worked. My kid is also the only grandkid on BOTH sides of the family. So I've got a double dose of possessive grandparents. Also, if your mom stopped calling, that's a good thing, right? And not talking to her for a while is an option. The next time you call her, just talk about whatever you want to and if the conversation starts going in a way you don't like just cheerily say, "All right mom! It was nice talking to you again! Bye!" And HANG UP.

Your stress levels will stay normal and you'll be training your mother at the same time.

When your kid is sick, call your mother to let her know what's going on. Then take your mothers next worried call. Reassure her that everything is fine. If she doesn't believe you, that's HER problem. After you take her FIRST call lay out the "Remember mom, no news is good news." and hang up. Then screen your calls! Seriously. Let her cry to the answering machine for a few days and then call her back and reply to ALL her messages at once. "His fever broke mom, he's eating fine now and back to his old self. He barfed on his favorite blanket and boy was that a trauma but we're all fine and everything is getting back to normal! Would you like to talk to him?"

Trust me I understand where you are coming from. This is why I moved nearly three hours away from my family and my husband's family is in another state. My parents are close enough to visit but far enough away that they need to make plans before just dropping by. ;)

You're describing my mother with my kids! :)

I just let her obsess in ways that she wants to, and ignore her in ways that I find annoying. ie: she gets 1 phone call/day for a status report. After that, I don't answer the phone. If she questions what I'm doing, I offer her to take it upon herself to take them to the doctor, offer discipline, etc...

Funny that when I actually invite HER to do all of the things she is suggesting, she quickly backs off. In other words, if you're doing things so wrong, SHE can come over the run the show while you sit and watch TV.

You have to set boudaries with her, just like with your son. It's like having 2 kids, isn't it? LOL. It is truly becuase she does care, but I know how annoying it can be.

You teach people how to treat you. And you seem to believe that because she's your mother, you have to tolerate how she's treating you: like a child that needs to be supervised with her own child even though she's an adult and is married and living on her own. You're allowing it to happen so she thinks that it's acceptable.

So first off, this is the mother that you have. You're not going to change her. You can only change yourself. That means that the only way to change HER behavior is to change YOUR behavior aka how you deal with her.

If you have caller ID, use it. If you know when she tends to call, choose the time of time of day that you're willing to talk to her and have a decent lengthy conversation and stick to that one call per day. When the conversation gets repetitive redirect it to something else, something new. If your mom won't allow that, then "suddenly" find a reason to get off the phone. "Oh mom, I'm sorry, I have a load of laundry sitting in the washer and it'll start to smell if I don't get it out to dry. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

I have a FANTASTIC, brilliant, wonderful, caring mum who is an amazing grandmother... But she has boundary issues as well. She KNOWS it though, and tries to rein herself in! In no small part because her mum didnt!

Fortunately one of my besties was a grandmother before my son was born so I got to watch how completely FLOORED she was with the birth of her first. How she had never realized that with grand kids the live is the SAME love as she felt with her own kids.. Complete, total, and overwhelming. But with no custody! With having to watch them being raised differently. With your own heart wrenching choices as a parent being blown off, mocked, or scorned as if you didn't want the best for your OWN children.

She has a great relationship with her son, and these were still issues.

I can only imagine how hard things would be if there wasnt a great relationship.

So that helped me a lot when my son was born... In understanding my mum. LOL because of course MY mum wouldn't be talking with me about these things.

Did we still have issues? Yup. And from time to time, we still do. But it helps me, to understand that it's not about me. And it helps her, too.

So now we just laugh as I carol out "Boundaries, mum! Boundaries!" but it still took us some time.

Oh, I think I have it worse (or used to anyway). My younger brother died in an accident when he was 11. Naturally, and understandably, this devastated my mother completely. Fast forward 13 years and I had my first child. My mom took care of her during the day while my husband and I were at work. She and my daughter quickly became attached to each other. My daughter wouldn't want me to pick her up in the evening, and my mom probably would have been fine with letting her stay. I thought that was bad, but then I had my first son and quit my job. It drove my mom nuts that she wasn't in charge, and that my son was a Mama's boy and only wanted me. She was very jealous. She would constantly tell me how he reminded her of my brother, and talk about how similar they were. Occasionally she would say "Mama loves you" to him, but then correct herself with "Nana" when she saw the look I would give her. I thought things were always going to be that way until I had my third child, another son. Having to divide her attention 3 ways, and between 2 boys seems to have put the kibosh on her obsessiveness with my first son. So my advice? Have more kids! LOL!

Be a little firm with your mom. Tell you that you love that she loves her grandson so much but you are pretty busy during the day raising him and don't have time for all the phone calls. Set a time of day that would be good to connect with her like during morning coffee or before you throw dinner on the table... some time that will work for you, and keep it to the one phone call a day. If my mom called me 4 times a day I'd freak out.

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**I have an overbearing Aunt. She USED to, think she can decide things about my kids, and that my kids were hers. Well... so I have TAUGHT MY KIDS... that I am the Mom (Aunty is not), and that me and their Dad... decide things for them. NOT Aunty. We explained to our kids, since they were Toddlers, about this. So that, they do NOT get "confused" about who their "parent" is. We explained to them, that their Aunty can tend to be too excited about things pertaining to them... but that, ONLY Mommy or Daddy decides things for them. That way, they know... that Aunty is not the Boss nor the one who can decide things. So along with dealing with Aunty ourselves, we have "educated" our kids on the proper way of things in our family. And our kids will actually TELL their Aunty no or yes, or "we have to ask Mommy and Daddy first..." when Aunty is being pig headed about what they do. We taught our kids how to discern things and what the "totem pole" of adults in their life, is.
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Well I can understand how irritating this is.

Sure she's a grandmother. Sure she cares. Sure she loves her grandchild. Some kids don't even have Grandparents. So your child has one, and that's nice.
But, its about boundaries.
And Grandma does not know what that is. Nor what that is, now. Nor does she realize that her "caring" is usurping the parent's role.

So you spoke up, and now your Mom is upset.
Well, this is a life lesson.
She does not have a good relationship with you or your brother, either. So that is something that you know about, but we don't.
But now, it is all coming to a head, because you have a baby... and it is your Mom's first grandchild.

Still though, it is your child.
But it is about boundaries.
And some people/grandparents... do not attain an understanding of this right away.
It can take time.
Or... it will be a CONSTANT conflict, all the time.

But, you do not have to... have your son be given to your Mom every other weekend. I don't know if I understood your statement correctly: "My parents see my 4 year old son every other weekend and enjoy their time together..." So does that mean, that on those weekends, your son spends his time at their house and sleeps over there???? Or, your parents come over and visit with your son at your home???
To me, a child does not have to... stay over or sleep over at a Grandparents home, regularly. Nor as a matter of having to.
If your son is going to their house and sleeping over there on weekends, just stop doing that.

You/your Husband are the parents. So you both, decide what your son does, where he goes, and how he spends his time.
And what about your Husband's parents? Do they live near you too? Do they spend time with your son?
Does your Mom, have issues with your son spending time with the other Grandparents???

Ultimately, you need to nicely have a talk with your Mom.
And you have to have boundaries. Since your Mom does not have or know boundaries.
And if she gets upset, she gets upset.
Perhaps over time, she will catch on.
But since your son is 4 years old... I assume this has been going on for 4 years, already????

Also, you do not have to tell your Mom, EVERYTHING that is going on with your son. All families have their own privacy about personal matters. Nothing wrong with that.

And, perhaps your Mom will never get over her personal hang-ups. So then you have to just do what you want and feel is best for your son. Per your own nuclear family. Because, apparently, your Mom has been this way since you were a child. Because you and your brother do not have a good relationship with her either.
Some people just will never be what we want.
Therefore, you have to have your own boundaries, and you and your Husband have to be a team about it. So if your Mom intrudes and tells you what to do with your son... just say "Me and My Husband, decide that.... " and just keep repeating that, whenever your Mom gets nosy or intrudes into things, per your son. Then maybe she will realize, that she does not have a say.

My parents live far away, but my relationship with my mother would be shaky either way. It's good that your parents have a good relationship with your child, but it is YOUR relationship that has to be decent. This is a pattern - she does it to your brother as well as you. SHE is responsible for her behavior. She's being manipulative and that's not healthy. Follow your husband's lead. When she decides to be more mature and cut the manipulation, then you can have a healthier relationship. Let her know you love her, and you want her in your son's life as a grandmom, but let her know that she needs to let you be the parent. If your husband is getting a bad vibe, trust that and use that support to do what is right for your family. Just because someone is family, doesn't mean they get a "free pass" for bad behavior. We put up with a lot more from family than we would from non-family, and really - sometimes we shouldn't.

I think you should just keep enforcing boundaries and when she gets beyond what is normal grandparent behavior (my mom loves my DD but doesn't call constantly if DD is sick - she trusts that I'm mom enough to take care of my kid). I say this in part b/c someone I know what partially raised by her crazy grandma (her parents were married and lived nearby) and it had long lasting affects into adulthood. Find a line between ignoring the behavior and not speaking to her at all and keep an eye on things. "Mom, that's not your concern..." or "Mom, I feel that you are treating my son like a surrogate for my brother. You need to mend the fence with John, not try to re-live your motherhood through mine." She is being manipulative if she now won't talk to you for calling her on her behavior.

The other thing to consider is while it's good that your child sees his grands often, is this behavior detrimental to HIM for the same reasons it wasn't good for you?

I just saw your edit to add...yeah...watch that. If she typically makes people an obsession then I'd get some boundaries up.

All I can say is I think it would be extremely cruel for you to cut her off like others suggested simply because she is head-over-heels for her grandson. You don't have to answer the phone every time she calls. Answer once in the a.m and once in the p.m. Or better yet, call her so she doesn't have to call you.

Again, as a grandmother myself, I think it's cruel to cut her off. It's not like she disrespected you or your hubby. Cruel!

You could try saying, yes he is sick, maybe we should cancel your visits this weekend, lol. Or try saying, he is a little sick, Im going to turn my phone off so he can rest. If she starts asking about the doctor, ect., just say thats for me to worry about, since I am his mother... just keep repeating it, alternating with, you dont need to worry about my son, he is well taken care of by me. Just keep repeating, dont anwser any questions about fever, ect. GL, I know what its like to have a crazy mother with no boundaries, thats why mine isnt invited to have a relationship with me or my children anymore. It doesnt sound like yours is too that point, she just sounds more annoying. Dont be afraid to be 'too busy' if you need a break from her for a week or two.

If I didn't know better I would swear you are talking about my boss. We joke around here that some don't even know she has more than one grandchild because she fixates on the one so much.

Like right now I need to get out of here because the two kids I gave birth to have been home alone all day. Meh, no big deal to her. Tomorrow she will be out of here at noon cause her baby needs her.

If I was her son I would move as far away as possible. Guess that could work for you?

After reading your what happened: Good news!! It will probably continue if you have more. All of her grandkids are from the same son. :p

I spent 3 years not speaking to my mother for boundary reasons. And then another couple of years going back and forth between talking to her and pretending she didn't exist. She finally learned her lesson, and now we have the best relationship in as soon as I can remember. The grandchild factor will work in your favor. I agree with your husband. Shut her out for some time and see if things get better. My husband hasn't spoken to his mom in 6 months. She betrayed his trust, and now he has no idea how to move passed it. And the fact that we have children had nothing to do with his decision.

First: Get a caller ID device so you can always see who is calling you and can choose whether or not to answer the phone. Teach your son that you, not he, picks up the phone (or not) when it rings; he uses it only when you hand it to him. Then, when she calls more than once a day: Do not pick up. Resist. She will say things like "I was so worried! I thought you'd all been in an accident and were in the hospital!" and other hysterical things. Smile sweetly, stay calm and positive sounding, and say, "Thank you for being concerned, but we were just out (or: We couldn't come to the phone, or son had a friend over and I was watching them, etc.). If ever we were in an accident, I'd be sure the hospital called you. But please don't worry if we don't pick up the phone or don't return a call until the next day, especially if we already talked that day." Remember -- all very nicely. Over and over. Staying nice even when she gets hysterical. Changing the subject if she harps on about it.

Second, remember that in some respects you are lucky: You say your parents see your son every other weekend. Look at some posts on Mamapedia and you'll see moms coping with grandmas who smother kids daily (recently there was a post from a mom whose own mother "visits" her children AT SCHOOL as much as three times a week, to the point the teachers think grandma is the mother). So...there is an element of "it could indeed be worse." If your mom is not following your child to school, or making unannounced visits to your home -- that is good (and never let it get started). You seem to know the boundaries you want, which is great, so stick to them.

Third, so she's not talking to you right now because you dared to speak up. Well, say nothing to her about it. When you have a real reason to call her, call her. Be the first to make contact but don't engage with her in any form of arguing over what you said earlier about feeling insulted. Try this: "We were thinking of taking Son to (event X) this weekend and wondered if you and dad would like to meet us there." She will have to respond to that -- or if she has your dad respond because she's still not talking to you, I'd tell dad: "I'm sorry mom is making you the middleman here. You're both still invited to meet us at (event) but if she comes I do expect her to talk to me and not just to Son. It's a matter of basic courtesy and I know she would never want us adults to set an example for Son where he sees adults he loves not speaking to each other." Again -- all very nicely and calmly. Keep a script in your head for responses to all the stuff you know she will say.

She will eventually talk to you. But do not back down and say "I'm sorry I said I felt insulted...." Leave it and move on. Ensure that she keeps to the contact she now has and surprise her sometimes by inviting her, out of the blue, to do something extra with your family--because she is still someone you want to have in your life and your son's life, and because the occasional extra invitation means she cannot say, "You want to keep me away from Son" and so forth.

When your son is sick, go back to the first suggestion and screen calls. Don't pick up the phone again after ONE call where she gets the basics. Tell her the phone ringer is going to be turned off because the doctor says to let your son rest, then assure her that you will call her the next morning at a specific time with your update.

In summary: Control the incoming calls, have a mental script at all times, do not discuss or backtrack on your assertion that she was out of line, carry on and contact her, stay calm but also be the one who initiates some contact on YOUR terms.

Can you be proactive about limiting her access to you via phone? i.e. call her at 10 in the morning, tell her you've got 15 minutes to chat then, but won't be available for the rest of the day. You will have made yourself available, but on your own terms.

Would you consider a polite line that you can repeat to stave off her continued input, i.e. "Thanks for your suggestions. We've got the situation under control. I'll let you know if I need any tips or ideas re: how to handle my son/ my son's sickness/ my son's upcomming school project/ my son's nightmares, my son's social schedule etc, etc."

Watch your tone as you say this, she is after all, your mother. Have a number of versions of this on hand.This is the same sort of talking point strategy that you will see politicians and others using when fielding live interviews. They respond, divert, and then return to their message.

She just might get the hint.
Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

Just don't ever tell her when your son is sick. Now that you know this is a hot button for you... every time you talk with her your son will be doing great, in the best of health right? Even if he hacking and feverish and surrounded in a pile of kleenex, your report to mom is "he's doing great! Just fine!!!" A little white lie never hurt anyone.

Trust me I know, Nothing is more annoying than grandparents getting all up in your business when your kids are sick- mine do it too. But they watch my kids weekly so I can't hide any illnesses. MIL wants me to rush our kids to the DR. at the slightest symptom and I'm sorry, I'm not going to do that. I'm gonna dose them with Tylenol and hand them a box of kleenex. No need to wait 1 hour at the DR. to be told to do that exact thing. If the grandparents weren't anywhere nearby to actually see my kids state of health, they would not be privy to that info, just to avoid the hassle of advice and obsessive discussion over the color of my kids boogers.

This just annoys me to no end. Why do you feel so threatend? Why do you think she thinks its her son because she worries about him. Or loves him?? My grandmother was a huge part of my life. She was my fathers mother and my mother had a mother who could care less, and when she married my father she said she loved how caring and giving his mother was. Was my grandmother over baring at times probably. But I am so thankful I had a secure mother to get over herself and think about me because I could not have imagined life without my gram stopping in unanounced every other day to bring us her sauce and soups and such. Infact my mom always jokes about how when she had my sister my grandmother took over and she gave her her first bath. My grandmother died last year, and I miss her terribly. I now realize how many people do not have that and its because people are so busy judging or being insecure that they can't see how lucky they actually are to have someone who cares about their child. My advice is get over the petty stuff maybe just accept your mom for who she is and know she means well. Hey no ones perfect. It could be worse she could be an absent mother who could care less.

You didn't mention what country; because it might be a cultural thing, especially if "Grandma" is from the same country my MIL is from. I can totally identify. My hubby and his brother were raised by their grandmothers, (One with one Grandmother and the other with the other Grandmother.) because that is how things are done in that country. They do that, because were are no daycare centers, and they feel working parents are too busy to take care of their children so they are helping them out. My MIL didn't get her children "back" until they were 6 and 8 years old. They actually lived with their grandmothers from infancy on. That means my MIL never got the chance to raise her own kids. When we had our son, she took over after 2 weeks. If would have been 7 weeks, if I didn't have post-partum. At first I thought it was great, until I saw some of the odd stuff she did that we would concider dangerous. Our son got wrapped up like a little "Papoose" complete with make shift ribbons tied around the blanket to keep it on him. It got worse when he became a toddler. She had him jumping off the couch with the couch cusions on the floor! No wonder my couch has tons of broken springs and legs. She'd take away his fruit and vegetables and make him eat his meat first, then his rice. Guess what? Now, he doesn't eat fruit and vegetables! If he didn't like what I cooked, she'd quick cook him something different. One day I got soooooo mad, I threw her cooking in the garbage and told her he has to learn to eat like everyone else or he'll starve in college! No matter how much I'd explain what life was like when I grew up and what the ground rules were and should be here, she'd do what ever she wanted. Yes, MIL drives me crazy...but...I learned the best thing I can do is to "consider the source" and ignore her. Talking just makes it worse unless you can figure out how to make her think about what she's doing.

Of course not talking to her is an option, it's just one you've chosen not to take. As long as you let her treat you like this it will continue. It doesn't matter if she understands what boundaries are as long as you do; set some up and enforce them.

Mom, junior is fine, just a cold, you can talk to him when he's better. Mom, I already answered you about how he's doing, if you keep asking I'm going to hang up. Click. Repeat as needed.

sounds like most grandparents
dont answer the phone if you dont want to (i often J. put my phone away until my daughter goes to bed, so i can concentrate on her...sure my parents 3-6 calls get ignored but i call them bacl the next day)
every other weekend doesnt seem too bad