Grandma in Residence as Childcare

I don't have any specific advice (haven't been in your shoes) but I just wanted to say God bless you! Good grandparents are worth their weight in gold!

P.:

WELCOME TO MAMAPEDIA!!!

I'm not a grandparent yet. Whew!! But my best friend is. She was a grandma at 40....yes..she had her son young...

They are not living in the same residence, however, she does babysit frequently.

I would sit down with them and have an open and frank conversation. While you are a grandparent, you still need time alone. Tell them you would like set hours and expectations....it's not going to be an easy conversation. However, if you do not have it - resentment will grow and you don't want that.

So - while they are military they still have time off. whether it be a straight shift/typical day or shift work.

YOU HAVE A VOTE IN THIS. YOU HAVE A SAY IN THIS...you need to be on the same page about discipline, time off, etc.

GOOD LUCK!!!

Good Morning,

On the other side of things, my father has decided to move to Texas from Minnesota from September to May each year to escape the harsh winters, and spend time with both of his grandchildren, which are the apple of his eye. After spending two years with him staying on our living room floor (we don't have a spare bedroom in our current home), we are buying our dream home, with two more bedrooms (one which will be his), and moving in this weekend. I know our situation is a bit different from yours, as my dad is not with the kids full time, but there are some things that I think are universal in situations like this.

Our son is in pre-school, and our daughter in daycare, so he still has his days free. He does pick them up much earlier than my husband and I could, which is great, becuase he takes them to the park, or swimming, in order to burn off some energy. He does take care of them if they need to stay home, which is great for us, as we don't need to try to get off of work. He does things to help us around the house, such as the lawn and weeding, washing dishes, etc. He also will pick the kids up to take them to dr appts and so on.

Some of the issues we have encountered:

Privacy, or lack-there-of. Because he is in the living room, we feel like he has taken over that space (in his defense, this is changing in one week, and it is part of the deal). It has been a hard adjustment though, especially for my husband, when he comes home from work and can't unwind in the living room, rather feeling like he is banished to our bedroom.

Other relatives, specifically my mom who moved here to San Antonio after our daughter was born, feels like she gets shoved to the side when he is here. All of a sudden he is always around when she comes to visit or play with the kids, so we have to try to find a balance of the kids going there and so on.

Money. Our utility bills have gone up, both water and electricity, which si to be expected, since there is one more person in the house. He wasn't really realizing the extent of it until we spoke to him about it. Also, our grocery bill has gone up as well, but he has started contributing to that more.
Taking him for granted: I always be sure to ask if I need him to take the kids to the dr, or if I have to stay late at work. I don't want him to feel like it's an expectation that he gives up the things he wants to do for the kids, but he always replies "That's what I am here for."

The key to all of this working well is communication. We discuss things each day, as far as what is coming up the next day for the kids, or if there is anything that he can do for us when we are at work. I also refuse to play the middle man between my husband and my dad, as that is often where some of the conflict lies. Speak up, take time for you, develop your own interests (for my dad: golfing, the gym, and the library).

Good luck to you!
Bianca

I am not a grandparent--but I have alot of nanny experience. The best thing you can do for yourself and for the family is to sit down and have a good, open discussion about:

Expectations
Pay/no pay/what they will provide for you living in the home etc.
When its private family time vs. just hang out with grandma
When are you considered "off" because if you don't establish this, they will take advantage and assume that because you are home, you are willing to take care of the kids.

Write out a contract---I know countless people who have strained or no relationship with their loved ones because they didn't do that. No matter what, write out your terms, what you are willing to do or not do (housework, with kids etc.) what your boundaries are etc.

Do this asap. You need to feel 100% ok with it before you sign and they do too. But since you moved in with them, you need to be in charge of what you do vs don't do.

Best wishes and welcome to Mamapedia!~

I can only speak from the perspective of mom but key is understanding that no matter what, they are the parents. They need to ask you about changes in schedule not expect you to adapt as if you are an equal parent.

When I divorced my two older kids were my live in babysitters. Before I set my school schedule I asked them will this fit with their schedule. If they said yes then and only then did it become their responsibility to adapt to make sure someone was there for the kids.

If I needed to meet with other students I asked them what would fit in their schedule, I never made plans and made them change for me. That isn't fair, they are not their sibling's parents, I am.

Not sure if that makes sense but it is matter of respecting everyone's roles that makes this work.

Dear P. (Oma)-

I think you should have one day and two evenings off a week. Seems like a reasonable amount to me, and not too big a burden for your son/ DIL. A live in nanny is afforded that, and gets paid to boot.

Use the time for your rest/ recouperation, entertainment, personal chores, to go out for drinks, to the knitting club, to the church, to the monster car races, whatever floats your boat.

Present it as a win win. 1. you get to restore your batteries and be fighting fit for your grandchild. 2. they get to have quality time alone with their baby.

As you reside with them, and at one, the baby is now mobile, I am afraid your day/ nights off will have to be off premises at first in order to guarantee you the separation/ independence that you need.

Don't know what your respective finances are, but I think that your son and DIL should probably furnish you $50 a week for "play money" to support your going out.

Once you declare you have this conversation, be sure you actually leave on your day/ nights off for at least 3 months straight. You need to reinforce the idea that the time is your own. After 3 months have passed should you choose to give up some of your time to spend with the family or the baby, you should be free to be able to do so.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

I know MANY Grandparents, who are friends which I met at my kids' school. They have the responsibility of taking care of their grandkids all day or weekends, since the parents' work or just are too busy.

MANY of these Grandparents, VENT about it. Because like you, the kids parents do not even think, about the age of their elderly parents, how that affects them, about their health, about how being a grandparent-Caregiver... takes ALL of their time. Thus, they can't even go to their own Doctor appointments nor do they have a life. Independently. Because, they are expected to take care of the grandchildren and are an "invisible" person in the family.

You do need to speak up.
Because, it is IMPERATIVE... that your Son/his Wife... ALSO know, that you are not just a cog in the wheel. And you are not, obligated... to do this for them. AND you are aging... your need to take care of yourself... and you need time to yourself, too. And you deserve... to have your own things to do, APART from them.

You all need to sit down and talk about it.
Tell them, you need to talk to them.
And you ALL, talk about it, in a mature manner.
And they also need to realize, that they need to be responsible for you, too. I am not saying you are "old." But, all the Grandparents I talk to... they ALL say, that none of their grown kids whom they babysit for... ever think about, how they need to go to the Doctor, or that they have aches and pains, or that they are needing to just go to a Dentist check up or to their eye Doctor etc.
In fact, one Grandpa I know... was as always, home with his young grandson, doing babysitting him. All day. Well, while outside, he FELL. And hit his head! And had to go to the ER, and ambulance came etc.
Luckily, his Wife was home at the time. If not, then what?
And geez, the next day, there he was, babysitting STILL. Because "well the parents had to go to work... they are busy... " sort of thing.
C'mon. The parents need to get a grip.
One cannot... see the Grandparent as just being "free" childcare.
Decency and respect, and some sort of compensation, is in order.
I certainly hope, they are not expecting you to financially carry them, too?
I hope they buy groceries and cook too? Or do they expect you to do errands/cook meals/clean the house/plus babysit, TOO?
You need to get all of this straight with them.
Its not fair.

IF anything, your Son/his Wife, should get a babysitter which they pay for... every so often. SO that, you can have an off day or night or even a full week off. That is being a responsible adult parent. For their child.
It is NOT easy, caring for kids ALL day. And they can't expect you to be "on call" everyday and night of the week.

Again, you need to sit them down.
Don't be afraid.
Tell them your concerns.
List it down on paper if you need to, so you remember everything.
You live there, you are taking care of their child SO that they can go to school. So you therefore, DO HAVE a say, in how you want to be treated. Right?
You are not invisible free, childcare.
You are a Grandparent. And you deserve some fun too, independently of them. With your friends or whatever.

You said they have all adapted "graciously."
So then, talk to them.
They probably do not even think about... all your concerns.
And tell them you feel "extraneous."
As much as you wonder how much "space" to give them... well they should be giving you, space, too. And time off.
Tell them, it is stressful... for you.
It is for anyone, in your situation.
Believe me, ALL my Grandparent friends... say the SAME, thing.

Your son is indeed fortunate to have you! Unfortunately my kids virtually grew up without knowing their grandparents because (for most of their life) their grandparents lived an airplane flight away from us!

In Nov 2011 my mom-in-law was widowed and we sort-of expected that she'd move to the same city where we live as she has no relatives at all where she lives. She stayed with us for 3 months and then decided that she wanted to go "home" (to the flat she shared with her late husband).

After a year, she has finally decided that she wants to live with us ... BUT we need to move into a larger home which has an separate cottage on the grounds. (She feels our current home isn't big enough for us all).

As much as this is something that we all want, I DO worry about misunderstandings creeping in. For example, my husband doesn't want her to pay for anything, but we can't really afford to fully support another person on what we earn. My father-in-law (luckily) left her very well provided for, so I don't see the harm in letting her contribute to the utilities. Am I wrong?

My son is turning 20 years old in a few days and my daughter is nearly 17 already so there won't be any babysitting involved! However, when she stayed with us in the past she always took over the cooking (she's VERY particular about what she likes to eat). Now that we're each going to have our own (separate) kitchens, I'm not sure how often we'd be expected to eat together. I don't want her to thing that she HAS TO cook if she doesn't want to, but I also worry that she doesn't eat at all when she's not with us! (She's dangerously underweight and has osteoporosis)!

I guess we all have the same misgivings when it comes to talking about finances and expectations with loved ones who share our home!

I think you need to establish VERY open communication now. This is a big change for every person involved and there will be a learning/adapting curve for all. Establish ways to talk about all of it. Otherwise it will just get tougher.

I am curious how appreciative your son and daughter-in-law are? Are they always appreciative or sort of take the situation for granted? Also, you could arrange some type of balance in the household if the situation is too much for you. I'm thinking some type of compromise like you watch the kids 2-3 days a week, one spouse get a full-time job and hired an additional nanny 2-3 days a week while the one spouse finishes school. The you guys switch. That way its not too much for anyone in the household. Just a suggestion to create more balance. I think it is asking WAY too much of you to watch kids 8 hours a day/5 days a week at 65 years old. If you agreed to that you might want to reconsider because its honestly not realistic. Just my opinion.

We have the same situation, but it's our home that the kids have moved into. Our 6-year-old grandson has never lived anywhere but here. We babysit constantly too. There's not much privacy, that's for sure. But it's okay, we chose to live together and we deal with issues in loving kindness.

Sounds like you need to sit down with the kids and voice some concerns and insecurities. Let them know how you feel, find solutions as a family. [hugs] Hope it works out for you!