I know every probably hates these types of questions - but dang it, I am totally stumped! My dad is in a nursing home. He cannot walk, talk or communicate in any way, feed himself, is on thickened liquids . . . basically (and there is no good way to say this), he is breathing flesh. In essence, my dad is "gone" and his body is still here. My mom or I go every night to the nursing home to feed him his dinner and spend the early part of the evening with him talking to him and telling him about good memories or something new one of the grandkids has done, then feed him his dessert before going back home. He has been in a nursing home for 4.5 years and has otherwise had full-time care for 7 years (so I've been doing this for 7 years).
Every year for Christmas (and anniversary, and Valentine's Day, and her birthday), I get my mom a gift from my dad. I wrap the gift and then put it in dad's hands to "hold it" so when she comes, he can "give" it to her. Her and I have an unspoken rule that we will never talk about the fact that I do this and we both act like this is something dad has done for her (and he would if he could - he loved giving my mother gifts). I've done picture books/albums chronicling their vacations over the years, personalized ornaments, framed pictures of the two of them, a blanket for each of them with pictures of all their grandkids with each of them. I'm just out of ideas. I don't want to do an "experience gift" as my mom likes to bring the gifts with her for awhile after receiving them and talk about them or show them to him again, or like with the blankets, she brings hers and then they each wear their blanket watching TV after dinner some nights. In otherwords, having something tangible is more important to my mom in this case.
I thought of a locket this year with their pictures, but I just know my mother well enough that she wouldn't care to wear a locket (and she has a special necklace my dad purchased for her when he was well and that is the only necklace she will wear).
I'm open to any and all suggestions. I am hoping that hearing some ideas with either be "the gift" or spark something that will help me think of "the gift."
Thanks for helping!
What about music? Could you make a CD with their favorite tunes or tunes from the years they were newlyweds? Mom could play it while she visits with Dad.
We just did this thing where we got one of those lanterns (quite big) and put some seasonal decor in it (not tacky, but festive and pretty) with a candle or mini lights - whole thing is very pretty - and have the lights set on a timer. You could have this out starting in late fall and let it run through winter. We gave it to someone who lost someone recently. It comes on in the afternoon around 3 pm and lights up her day. I wonder if your dad and mom each had one - if it would remind them of each other and just come on and brighten their afternoons and be on even after they've seen each other, when they are alone at end of day too.
Thing is - you can use the lantern other times of the year (candles in the summer time, etc.). Might be a nice addition to his room. Just a thought. And grandkids can put little things in to make it festive too.
I think it is lovely you do this.
Does she have a green thumb at all? I'm thinking of a Christmas cactus or an orchid or something else that is pretty, living, and growing that she could have at home that will remind her of him. Also, it could be fairly small so she could bring it in to show him when it blooms.
I most definitely DO NOT hate these types of questions!!
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's really sweet of you to do these things for your parents. REALLY!!
While it might be a repeat? Another blanket? You know you can get some made with pictures on them, right? You've done that. But what about pictures of JUST THEM?
Jewelry is out, right?
Is there a special picture? one that your dad notices and makes an effort with? Maybe get that one done and put in a special frame?
Maybe a photo album from their honeymoon? Did they even take one? :) My parents honeymoon was a trip to Coronado in California for a few days. The pictures are kinda old. LOL!!
GOOD LUCK!!! I hope you find the "RIGHT" thing that makes your mom's heart melt!
Does she like to read? Maybe a book and she could take it and read to him? Something that they are/were both interested in?
woof. I'm stumped. I was going to suggest a personalized blanket or a photo album filled with pictures from special trips...
I'm sorry. It's hard when one is (for lack of better words) a potted plant.
I like a nice candle - there are several Yankee candle scents that are favorites of mine.
I'm not sure you could burn one while visiting your Dad but they have some scented beads that have the scent without burning anything too.
The candle gets used up sooner or later and doesn't take up space.
A large cleaned out jar from a candle can hold other things if you like to keep the jar after the candle is gone.
I'm so sorry this is happening to your dad. It's so hard when they just grow worse and worse. I hope you find something wonderful.
What about a bracelet? Like maybe a charm bracelet? Maybe a journal and a nice pen? What about doing like a decorative pillow or slippers or something that she can have in his room for when she visits? I always find those hospital chairs to be so uncomfortable and my mom is constantly wanting a throw pillow of sorts to put behind her. Does she drink coffee or tea? Maybe a nice travel mug would work. Starbucks had some really pretty ones this fall and there were different designs based on the regions.
When my dad was in a nursing home 'he' gifted my mom with a blanket one time and a scrap book another time. The following Christmas it was a puzzle that was made from a favorite family picture. There was enough space in his room to set up a small table to work on it. For weeks she and other visitors worked on that puzzle while talking with him and we framed it when she was finished.
I think it's so sweet that you do this!
Would she like something edible that she could pretend to share with him (even though he's unable to eat the foods)? One of those nice gift baskets, perhaps, with fresh fruit and cheese and sausage and nuts? Harry & David makes wonderful baskets and the pears are fabulous. I realize they aren't cheap though. Obviously this would disappear over time but the basket or container would last.
How about a plant or a flowering bulb (amaryllis)? She could take it home or leave it there for them (her) to water, and they could watch it bloom together. I'm not sure which plants bloom again the following year (if any), but a pretty pot could be used over and over.
There's not much time to organize this, but what about a scrapbook or photo book? We did a scrapbook for one one of my mother's milestone birthdays, with everyone doing a page or two about her. We bought a scrapbook with clear pages, inserted background papers, and put in photos and things each of us typed up. When we all got together, a few of us assembled it and put in those little scrapbook "embellishment" doodads.
Another year, we did a photo book through Shutterfly and my son did one for us on the Apple site, I think. You put in pictures, captions, text, memories, poems, anything you want. Are there classic stories from their years together, or things he used to say to her, jokes he told, pet names he used, things that made them laugh? It would be something they could look at together. You can do it in a few days and have a nice hardbound book of any length. It comes with a cover like any hardcover book. Assuming you have enough photos either on your phone/computer or can scan them from photo albums (if not, take them to a quick printer or a place like Staples to scan and either put them on a drive of have them emailed to you), this takes a lot less time than the scrapbook and it's cheaper.
i second the music! Music is a wonderful way to connect! you can make a CD of music...or get a cheap MP3 player and download some tunes!
REALLY sweet of you!
