Gift for Mother in Law...

I agree with the other posts, but maybe you could take/order some food (lunch/dinner/coffee & bagels) for the family & any visitors.

Obviously it is not a happy birthday, and this is a toughie. I don't think there's a card out there that covers that situation, but perhaps there IS a way to say, "I love you." on her birthday. I wouldn't focus much on the birthday, she will be way too distracted, but give her a hug, tell her you know it isn't a happy birthday, but that you appreciate her and are glad to be part of her family -- even right now. And cry with her. That's the best thing anyone can do to show their love.

Maybe 3 or 4 months from now, you can give her a belated birthday gift -- without much fanfare, but just spring a gift upon her.

There are lots of books written about coping with death, and when you get to the funeral home stage, the director may be able to suggest one or two, and also provide info on how children grieve, because they will be grieving as well.

We experience many many emotions when we lose our loved ones. It's incomprehensible really, that someone is in our world one day, and gone the next. It's like our whole relationship with that person invades us at once, and it's GONE. So, there's sorrow, there's loss, there's frustration, there's a sense of relief if the person has been ill and in pain a long time, there's anger that you could do nothing to change it, there's sometimes guilt for things you wish you hadn't done or could have changed and didn't, there's tons of stuff going on . . . and when people's emotions are running high, there can be lots of family turbulence.

Try to be the haven of calm, and of sanity, in a world that may feel like it's gone mad about now. Hold each other. Talk with each other. Share the stories of his life. Share them with your children, and let them share what they remember, too. Give simple explanations (to the kids). Take each day and each step one at a time, because that is all the strength we have at those times.

The best death explanation I've ever heard with children is that when we get old and our bodies don't work anymore, God gives us new ones. The new ones are really cool, cuz they don't ever get sick or wear out, or injured, but we can't use them on earth. We have to live in our new bodies at God's house in heaven. So when Grandpa died, God will give him a new body, and he'll live in his new body in heaven, and when we get old and our bodies give out, we'll get new ones and live there, too. I assume you have some level of faith, because the priest was probably there to give your fil the final blessing and the sacrament. Quietly, in your heart, ask God to get you thru, and to help you navigate through this . . . and while it may feel like a hurricane, you'l get through. Just keep loving each other.

T.,
I'm sorry for this sad time you are going through right now. My first thought when I read your post was to send her some flowers. That is, unless you fell that she would rather not acknowledge the birthday at all - and understandable so. Were it my husband, the last thing on my mind would be my birthday.
Instead, I would write her a nice card expressing the love your family has for her and for your father-in-law.
Sadly, she will be keenly aware for the rest of her birthdays that her husband was given his last rights on that day. So her birthday will be very tough for her from now on.
As for helping your husband through this, just try to be there and try to be the rational voice in the situations that will come up. Too many final decisions are made from extreme grief and at times, guilt.
O. other thing you could do (and this is if he hasn't already done it) is to encourage him to say goodbye to his dad and express his love and thanks to him while he is still here. A good friend urged me to do this as my dear stepfather was in his final days and it has been of INVALUABLE comfort to me to know that I expressed my love and gratitude to him face-to-face while he was alive. It doesn't matter if your FIL seems to be partially in the "other world" or not, this will bring your husband great comfort for the rest of his life. Believe me.
Be there for your husband and your kids and your mother-in-law who will be going through a very tough few years. Please encourage her NOT to make any huge decisions in the first year that your FIL is gone, as it is my experience with my mom that, even if she seems ok, the thought processes will be cloudy and unclear.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. God Bless.

I am so sorry for your loss. I am an established poet/writer. I have been writing eulogies and specialty poems for family, friends and even complete strangers. If given the information on your father in law's personality, characteristics, interests, hobbies, etc. I can write you a poem that can be put on a plaque or placed in a frame that she will cherish forever. I have done this professionally (had my own business) but I will do it for Mamasource mothers free. It is my way of showing you friendship and sympathy... If you would like to see my work, I will send you some poems/eulogies that I have written for others, and you can decide for yourself. Send me a line and I will forward them on to you... then if you like them, I will ask you some important questions, and I will write it within a few days. Again, my condolences...

Hi,
I'm so sorry for what you all are going through. My mother died on my birthday when I was 29 and now in my 40s it is still difficult but I keep telling myself that it was the day she stopped suffering and went to heaven. I think if I were you, I would make a photo album of your daughters with their grandfather. Remind her of all the happy times. Good luck and God bless you all
Barb

I think it's fine and appropriate to skip the present for right now... maybe acknowledge the day by saying something like, "What a hard day to have on your birthday" or something, but I don't think she's really going to be thinking of it for now. Maybe in 3-4 months (or whenever, you know her best) send her a spa gift certificate for some much needed R&R.

I'm so sorry for you and your husband. What a terrible time.

I would acknowledge it...but NOT say "Happy Birthday" and then maybe do something at a much later date. I can't imagine that she is going to care it's her birthday, with her husband dying.

flowers, cards made by the kids an extra hug.

long standing illness? look at how the suffering for the father in law will end