Hello moms! I am in need of a little advise. I just moved in with my girlfriend, of just about 6 months, and am having a bit a trouble figuring out how best to have this conversation with her. I am a very respectful male, who realizes that I will always come second to her 6 year old daughter and am 100% fine with it. I try very hard not to voice my opinion on parenting, as I have no children of my own and know that this will probably only cause conflict, but feel I would make a great father and definitely have my opinions on how things could be done differently that may be more effective. The problem we face is that her daughter is extremely sensitive and cries over just about everything when she does not get her way, or what she wants. In almost 6 months, I am pretty sure there has yet to be a single day that I have not heard / seen her cry, at least once and usually multiple times. My GF has some slightly unorthodox parenting methods, but nothing extreme. My problem is that I feel she panders to the crying most of the time. She typically spends about 30 minutes to an hour coddling and consoling her, and sometimes gives in to what her daughter wants and is crying for. She also gives a little attitude, sometimes, that I would correct immediately if it were my daughter. I feel that this 6 year old girl, pretty much, rules the roost. Her father only really became a part of her life at the age of three, by taking her one night a week, and she hates going. God forbid she has to stay a second night if mommy and I are going out of town or something.
My biggest issue is that she still sleeps in mommy's bed, which is now also my bed. Something she has done her whole life. The initial rule was that she would be in her own bed, starting on her 6th birthday, as mommy agrees 6 is a little old to be there nightly, but that went out the window within a day or two. The new rule is once a week, to ease her into it, which isn't quite going to plan either. This basically leaves mommy and I only one night a week for alone time, while she is at her father's, with an occasional second night when she holds her ground and does not allow her to come into the bed with us on the designated nights once a week. I don't find it strange that a 6 year old wants to sleep in mommy's bed, but I do think every night is too much. Especially when my GF expressed her frustrations with this exact situation while with her daughters father, who had a son with the same issue at around the same age. Though her justification for that was she understood it more once she had a child of her own. I get that, but I would still think that should better make her understand my position, rather than it being an excuse to disregard my feelings on it. Having the occasional bad dream, or something to that effect, and then coming into the bed is one thing, but nightly is just a little much. Especially when she cries her head off when she is told she cannot for the night, forcing mommy to coddle for an hour and wait until she falls to sleep, or eventually give in and waste that hour, and any future attempt to avoid crying because, IMO, it only leads her to think that constant crying will eventually get mommy to cave and she will get what she wants.
I feel like I need to ask my GF if she understands that giving in when she cries and whines will only keep the crying coming, and that she needs to be more stern, not negatively though and with a loving tone, or the crying and whining will just persist. Like I said before however, I am trying hard not to give my opinion, but I am having trouble seeing an end to the situation without a change and am afraid this could ultimately be something that could negatively impact the relationship. I love them both very much and do not want this to ruin our relationship, but am not sure how to approach the situation.
My only thought is posing everything as a question, rather than voicing my opinion. Something to the affect of, "do you feel that coddling her when she cries, and sometimes giving in, is more affective than standing your ground and making her understand that crying will not get her what she wants?", and "would you think that telling her that you do not understand her when she cries or whines, and she needs to talk to you in a big girl voice?". Lastly, I think that coddling for every fit is never going to get her anywhere, and she needs to let her cry it out, then letting her understand that crying didn't get her anywhere so she will not care to do it in the future. I feel this would be very helpful and worth a try, but I question whether she will stand her ground and give it enough time to be effective. I am curious to know if anyone has been in a similar situation with their significant other, or how you would prefer to be approached if you were in her shoes. I apologize for the novel and appreciate any advise =)
Thank you all very much for the quick answers and advice. I wanted to explain a bit more, as I completely understand most of your question but I thought I already provided a novel and did not want to carry on too long. To start with, in no way am I trying to parent here. I simply wondered if suggestions would get a negative response. Apparently, they will. I always wondered why so many men my age refused to date single mothers (I am 32), well, I get it. Still not who I am, but I understand it to a whole new degree. To answer a few questions, the sleeping situation was initially discussed, and was supposed to end at the time I moved in (6th birthday), but did not. Just bad timing to find out it wasn't going to happen unfortunately. Yes, 6 months to move in is extremely sudden, I know, but I do care deeply for both of them, and we both happened to agree that there was no reason not to take things to that next level already, as I was pretty much living there anyway and would rather help her financially than give it to a landlord for a place I rarely slept. I am under the impression that the one night a week deal is more to please me than get anything changed. I feel that she simply wants her daughter to be able to sleep in there, end of story, and that I am only seeing it now because I did move in, and turning around would not be easy, emotionally or financially. I could be wrong in all of that, but that is simply what my gut tells me. My issues is that this is the only thing that bugs me in the slightest. Everything else is wonderful. I literally put up with quite a bit that I feel most guys would run from, none of which bother me in the slightest. It is just this.Yes, a lack of intimacy in a young relationship is tough, but was pretty much expected. The hard part is I feel she is leading her child into a life of ridicule and bullying, and the part of me that cares so much for both of them wants me to do what I can to stop it. My common sense, however, says it won't matter.
Anyway, I will be suggesting the counseling and where it goes. I can't say that I am not saddened by most of these responses, as I cannot imagine many guys that would put up with as much as I do, and It is obvious there is not much compromise in these situations. Thank you all again for your input. I think all of your points are extremely valid and probably opened my eyes a bit more to how this situation needs to go.
Update: The conversation took place and went much better than expected. I think there is a tiny bit of denial, but there was a good deal of understanding and compromise. Everything done with me in the house, was done before me, so I do not think the behavior stems from me being there. Plus, her DD would actually be upset if I were to leave. She was very happy about me coming in to the house. I think she yearns for a positive male presence, as her father is very closed in his emotions and not very affectionate. Ultimately, as they present themselves, I will be pointing out situations that I think could go better, based on my suggestions, and she will decide how she is going to proceed. We have compromised on how to make sure there is plenty of intimacy, and will take additional steps to better our abilities to work together. I thank you all for your comments and appreciate all advise given. All was considered.
Secondchancer: I want to especially thank you for your comment. Is was a little demoralizing to see so much "get out", and "leave her". Saddens me to see so many women suggest what I think is a very poor quality in the vast majority of men, which is cut and run when the going gets tough and things aren't going their way. I understand why these things are being said, but I do not agree with them. I am, indeed, in this for the long haul and I have confidence that we are meant to be together. This is simply the first hurdle. Your comment was inspiring and what I was hoping to find, which is someone that made it work, and I thank you for that.
Run, boy! Run away! Save yourself!
(Well, what I mean is you are stepping into an already established family dynamic that you cannot change, you will be The Evil Step Parent, you cannot win)
:(
Move out.
It helps if you and your girlfriend are on the same page parenting wise - and you two are a LONG way apart on that front.
You and she should take some parenting classes together and see if you can have a meeting of the minds.
She's in charge of raising her daughter - and I agree with you about a lot of things - BUT you coming in and upsetting the daughters apple cart makes it a thing where the girlfriend has to choose between you and her daughter - and it makes for a very bad family dynamic.
You don't have to break up - but take some time - like a few years - to get to know one another.
It may be this girlfriend will NEVER meet your parenting standards - and that would be a deal breaker for me (I wouldn't want any kids of mine crying and whining all day every day) - and then maybe you two SHOULD break up.
This might not be a situation you can fix not in a few days or months or years.
Really - move out - step back - and slow this relationship WAY DOWN.
You've made it pretty clear that you're not trying to parent, so that's not an issue here. However, I have to tell you that you have made a really big mistake moving in with her. It's not going to work and you should move out. Nothing is going to change because your girlfriend practices attachment parenting. She has done this all this child's life and she's not about to stop, no matter whether it's for the child's benefit or for your's.
Find yourself another living situation and tell her that you realize that it was a mistake. Even if you continue dating, you're still going to go nowhere with this relationship. It's not a matter of her putting her daughter first. Plenty of single moms put their kids first, but this is different. You will never actually even be second. You're a convenience, at best.
I'm not sure if you've only been with your GF for 6 months or if you've lived with them for 6 months. Either way, you're the step and as a stepparent, this kind of thing is really hard, especially when you see that your GF doesn't agree and really isn't interested in changing. It may be that you suggest you both take a parenting class together, or that this is really concerning to you for her DD's welfare and you would like progress made on x thing. Focus on the thing that bothers you the MOST. You might read a book together like Love and Logic or How To Talk So Kids Will Listen. There's a ton of articles out there that talk about how if you are a helicopter, you are actually hindering your child's ability to cope with life when you aren't around. But SHE has to buy into that line of thinking. I bet that it's been just her and her kid for a while and the kid is a comfort and surrogate partner. So you have a lot of uphill to deal with.
If she is unwilling to change, I would see this as a red flag, as stepparenting is hard enough when you and the parent DO agree. Imagine what it would be like if you two had another child - especially if her daughter doesn't like being a big sister...
If you were my brother, I'd tell you to reconsider this relationship. I'm sure a nice guy like you can find someone with less baggage. Stepparenting is the hardest effing thing I've ever done and from the stories I hear, I've gotten off fairly lucky.
ETA: If she gave you the "I'll move her to her room" but didn't, then you got a bait and switch. You might love her and care for them both, but I'd be leery of you being used and how much she really loves you or just doesn't want to be alone. Even if it made "no sense" to pay a landlord for a house you didn't sleep in, now you need to untangle from a new situation. More than just finances should be considered. I was between leases when DH and I were dating 6 months. He offered that I could move in - and I said no and got a new place, because it was too soon. He had 2 kids and we all needed more time. I know women (my own mother included) looking for a white knight overlooked red flags in the overall situation. I did not want to repeat my mother's mistakes.
I know the negative answers are hard, but it sounds like she's going to do what she wants to do and either you put up with it or you leave, which is not an adult relationship. If she's only giving the father one day a week to placate you, then that also says something about her relationships regarding her child and how little control she's willing to give up when it comes to the child. And the really hard part is that she's not your kid and right now you're just her mom's boyfriend. I can tell you mean really well and on many levels I agree with you....but I don't think this is going to go well unless she's sincere about changing and not giving lip service. You would not be a bad guy to say this gig isn't for you - at least not with this woman. (I had 2 potential suitors at the same time, one with 2 kids and one with 1 kid. I picked the 2 kids and low-er drama over the man with the vicious ex.)
Good luck.
Parenting is the child's mother's job, and even if the two of you marry, the final authority over the child will be hers.
If you can't deal with the way she parents, then get out now. Do not ecpect her to change her parenting style to suit you.
I'm not saying that you're wrong in your belief that pandering to the crying and whining only serves to reinforce it. You are right. But it is not your place to change that behavior.
It sucks, but that's the way it is. You need to either learn to live with it, or go.
So, first, I think Fuzzy (below) is right-- parenting is your girlfriend's job. That said, I also understand your concern and discomfort with your girlfriend's parenting style. You are correct that, even though it can be hard in the moment when you have a tearfaced cutie-pie full of regret and anger in front of you-- you can't give in. I encountered a similar situation myself yesterday with my eiight year old son and yeah, it's hard to say No, but it's necessary.
I also think that you have a valid point that her daughter's presence in your bed is an intimacy killer. There are valid concerns here and it's wise to take a moment and consider what this might look like going forward. Counseling would be highly advisable. Joining two people in a relationship can already be a lot of work; blending a family needs lots of support. You need someone who can help you build a safe dialogue between your girlfriend and yourself.
These problems of discord in parenting happen in even the best of marriages at times, and feelings can be hurt. Everyone wants the other person to believe that they are truly doing what's best for their children. Everyone comes into a relationship with their own baggage and wounds, and so getting someone to help you become a strong team--and to figure out how to also support her daughter, would be a huge asset going forward.
And if it does end up that the relationship between you and your girlfriend does, as you fear, break up, then you can know you did your best and you will learn something about what your own limits are. That knowledge is valuable and can help you in future relationships. Only you will know what your level of tolerance with this situation is. Good luck.
I'm sorry that this is not what you want to hear, but you should move out. You both took this way too fast considering there is a child involved.
I suggest you move out and get relationship counselling, mostly to figure out if there is any way you can both be on the same page in terms of parenting style. Right now you are really far apart.
ETA: I don't see ANYONE here saying you should "put up with more" or that you don't "put up with enough". The problem is not that you have opinions on parenting. Most people do. The problem is that your style is so different from your girlfriends that it is going to cause problems again and again. This is a long term problem, not a minor issue, and that is why you need to address it together with counselling.
I agree with Fuzzy and Nervy. My brother went through this with his first wife. The daughter slept with her mother until he arrived. She was four at the time and it was an absolute battle all around to get her into her own bed. There was plenty of resentment from everyone – my brother didn’t feel anyone listened to him, my niece’s whole world was turned upside down and all the adults expected her to just change and my then sister in law felt belittled on every decision she had ever made. It was not a pretty situation to watch unfold.
The thing to bear in mind is the mother has been a single mother up to this point. In your case for six years your girlfriend has been calling all the shots and bearing the full weight of all child rearing burdens which is enormous. I can tell you right now as a fully supported parent with my husband in the trenches with me every single day it is really hard not to cave into a child's demands. You can’t always see the long term view. I agree caving to a whiney kid is doing no one any favors BUT habits are hard to break. Stress and demands don’t bring out the best in anyone. For your girlfriend she has set up this habit and it is going to be hard to get both mom and child to change. Not impossible but certainly very difficult.
Also you should accept that blending families is damn hard. I have been doing it for almost 8 years now and it is the single hardest thing I have ever done. You are not mom or dad. You are more like a trusted advisor who can and will be overridden. The buck stops with the biological parent and that is sometimes a bitter pill to swallow and a difficult boundary to establish – where does your authority start and stop. You are constantly navigating a tough role where everyone and their mother has an opinion how you should or shouldn’t be doing it. Each family has to figure out the dynamic for themselves. Respect and kindness are the watch words I live by.
I strongly suggest counseling. If nothing else, you and your girlfriend should learn healthy ways to communicate so you can tackle these tough issues. Parenting as a stepparent is only one of many life’s challenges you will face in this relationship. Besides you each come to the table with baggage and now would be the best time to sort through it all. Good luck.
I feel like this question is déjà vu.
Bottom line: you have no business moving in with a single mom and her 6 year old daughter after 6 months of dating.
MY best advice? Model real respect for her mother by moving out.
Maybe your presence is the reason she's so clingy and upset.
I think it would be a good idea for you and the GF to seek counseling. Blending families is very difficult as you can see and you and GF need some tools on how to navigate this road.
A third party could help you talk to GF about her parenting style and help the daughter adjust to this new arrangement. Look at it from the daughter's point of view.
In the beginning it was her and Mommy. Then this strange man came into the picture and now she has to leave Mommy and stay with him. Then before you know it, another strange man comes and lives with THEM. That is a lot of change for a little girl of 6.
I also don't disagree with your assessment of the situation. I think this little girl is acting out and Mommy is feeding the beast. That can also be addressed in counseling.
If GF isn't interested in counseling, I would seriously re-evaluation your living situation. You and GF might have moved too fast in moving in together.
Good luck!
I agree with the Fuzzy and pretty much what everyone here has said - the mom has been raising her daughter all this time, you coming in and making suggestions (even if you do it in the way of a question...) is not going to go over well. You would have already tried it if you knew it would work. And you haven't. So trust your gut.
As for the daughter still sleeping with mom - I can see that. And a new man in her mom's (and her) life, moving in ... lots of changes for this little person. Remember - six is still super young. And she's just started having her dad in picture. Lots of transitions.
They crying and attention seeking (if that's what it is) might settle down in time. I'm not sure my kids would like a new man moving in just like that. You've been together six months? That's kind of rushing things isn't it? Definitely rushing joining in on the parenting. That takes commitment and patience and perseverance, as some of the moms have mentioned who've been through it (blending families).
Honestly, from your repeating the same thing over and over (that your girlfriend should not be caving in to the daughter) shows me that you are really frustrated by it. It's a bigger deal I'm sure than you're letting on. Not good.
My advice would be to step back a few paces. Move out. Not sure that's something you would consider - but you're not really even being honest with your girlfriend - have you talked to her about this at all? You have to be respectful and mindful of her position (single mom all these years) but you should be talking about this stuff if you're serious.
Sorry if that sounds harsh - I get that it would be frustrating. But the mom comes with the child - and you have to accept both, as is.
Good luck :)
I'm not going to pass judgment on your moving in after 6 months. And I do NOT agree that parenting is the mother's job.
I just want to say this: This whole situation is a GIANT RED FLAG. Your GF's general way of being is to allow anyone who shows any sort of discomfort to walk all over her so they feel better. She has very poor boundaries. This is codependent behavior and I'll bet the farm that if you think about it, she does it with other people and other relationships (friends, family, coworkers) as well. She generally has a poor and insecure sense of self.
If I were a 32 year old man in this situation, I'd retreat back to singlehood. I'm sure that others will say I'm mean, but you don't get involved in a relationship where you have to play the parental role with your partner.
Welcome to Mamapedia. I hope the advice you get here is helpful.
I see the problem you have, and frankly, I agree with you about giving in to that much crying, and certainly about having the child share the adult bed. In the long run, I think your GF is setting her child up for incredible disappointment because she will have no coping skills every time things don't go her way. The more this child is in school, the less likely it is that any teacher is going to put up with this at all, let alone in a class of 20 or 25 kids. So I do feel the child is going to be socially handicapped.
That said, I think you have to look at the whole background here. This little girl was just with her mother for 3 years, then the father shows up, and suddenly the girl is going to another house to sleep, one or 2 nights a week. Her feelings of permanence with her mother were disrupted, and now a new man has moved in, and her sleeping arrangements are disrupted again. Even though I think it's problematic to have a child in the parent's (or parents') bed at this age, I think you have to look at the changing family dynamics and what that is doing to this child's sense of security and consistency.
I don't doubt that you care very much for this child, and I don't doubt that your girlfriend thinks that she needs to cuddle the child (perhaps to the point of coddling, even) in order to comfort her. I am a stepparent as well as a parent, and I understand the confusing dynamics of children with 2 homes and a visitation schedule they don't understand because their sense of time and dates isn't developed yet.
But I do think that you and your GF did not fully explore this situation before you moved in together. If you didn't know where the girl slept, why not? If your GF didn't make the transition long in advance of you moving in, why not? What did she envision? The once-a-week plan isn't' going to work either - because it sounds like your GF doesn't really have a philosophy on this, and her style is to just deal with the immediate problem (a crying child) in the easiest way possible. You need to understand that what your GF is doing is easier for HER, not necessarily for the child. It doesn't sound to me like you and your GF imagined really what the sleeping arrangements would be - she (and perhaps you) didn't anticipate the difficulties in taking a child through yet another transition.
Frankly, I feel the best thing would have been to establish where the child sleeps before you moved in. She should have been more than settled in her own room before you came to occupy her mother's bed. But instead, the child views you as taking HER spot, rather than you moving into an empty spot.
If you and your GF anticipate a future together, you have to have better communication and much better planning for circumstances that will arrive. Couples counseling would help, and maybe that would give your GF a chance to figure out where you fit, and where her daughter fits, in this new dynamic. Yes, parenting is your GF's job, but if you two expect to have children at some point, you need to learn more about each other's styles, values, techniques and priorities. And even if you don't have children together, you still need to figure out this little girl.
In retrospect, I think you might have moved in too quickly. But if you were to move out and give them time to get their act go ether re sleeping, the girl is going to have a feeling of abandonment by you, and that creates a) a sense of insecurity and b) a sense of "I can get rid of anyone if I just cry enough." So I think you need a neutral party to help sort it out.
Good luck.
I'm going to differ somewhat in my advice from the majority. I say these things as a single mom, who moved in with her fiancé after not-quite-two years of dating, with an 8 year old little boy. I am speaking to you as (what I hope is) a man who is serious about a long-term FAMILY relationship with these two ladies. My fiancé is not just "some guy". We are in this for forever. I hope that is where you're at too. That is what I'm assuming as I write this.
While mom will have final say, honestly I have to say - (and I say this very carefully) - I feel a realistic, honest, fair woman, would tell you, you're not just her boyfriend now. You're a co-parent. Mom needs to realize and accept that. This seems like a veerrrry tricky situation, I am not there but I feel like mom is seriously making some errs in judgment on how to raise her daughter, and making your life much harder than it needs to be. From what you've said, I don't feel like she'd be the type to listen honestly and openly and have a mature, frank discussion about it. I don't know what the answer is, and like I said, I realize how tricky it is! And when I say that I mean I know what mom is feeling too. It IS hard. But I truly feel that if you're living with these two ladies, you need to be a co-parent. So at some point you need to open up the door for "parenting" talks. Maybe start by letting her know that you want to help. Ask for her advice about how to handle the daughter, why she does a certain thing a certain way. How you should handle when x, y, or z happens. And talk to her as honestly and respectfully as you can, BEFORE you start giving your two cents. Maybe through natural discussion in a non-threatening tone, the conversation will come around to where she will be open to hearing your thoughts. That's how my fiancé did it. He was very honest and up front with me, but he took things verrrryyy slowly and we had to both work really hard at keeping an open mind and being respectful.
You are a single male age 32 without attachments. I would seek another person, female, with the same -- no attachments to have a relationship with.
There is really no real future for the two of you as it stands at present. She has her ways and reasons and you have yours. You stated that many of your male friends think you are "out there" to be with this woman with a child. Now you are seeing why they do not date women with kids. There is really no real time for you.
You have no rings or marriage certificate so I would move on and let her be. Yes, you may like her very much but there is going to come a time sooner than later that you will say something and it will be over. So save yourself the hurt and anger and move on out and get your own place.
Do take a few classes in parenting for future use.
Good luck to you in the future.
the other S.
This may sound silly, but what if you and your girlfriend watch a bunch of Supernanny episodes together. There are a bunch on Youtube. A lot of them deal with getting a kid to sleep in their own bed and on not giving in when the child wants something. You could talk to her about what she really wants. Does she REALLY want her 6 year old to sleep in her own bed? Does she WANT to stop giving in to her all the time? I think almost anything you say to her will be a huge criticism and she might take it badly though...good luck with that. She is the parent and she is the one who has to step up and make the changes...because she has to change her own behavior when dealing with her child.
I don't have a blended family, but my daughter's issues (both mental and physical) have meant that we've been to counselors on several occasions.
One thing that you may not realize, if you have never attended a counseling session about a child before, is that the counseling is as much for the parents or the adults in the home as it is for the child. Even if a child has a problem that is not caused by parenting methods, it can be really helpful for the parents or step-parents to go to counseling, to ask "how can we be more effective" or "how should we handle it when little Esmerelda cries" or "can you help us handle this situation more effectively?"
If a parent or caregiver is willing, counseling can help them establish boundaries, find a focused plan, operate in a cooperative manner, and learn strategies for dealing with difficult situations. The counselor can help the parents become accountable, and get a good third-party, unbiased action plan. Most often after seeing a counselor, my husband and I look at each other and think "why didn't that occur to us?" or "we can do this. We'll do what the counselor suggested, and we'll both do it together".
I really hope that you can suggest to your GF that it might make a more relaxed household, and it would be helpful to you as the newcomer to the household, to get some basic counseling to know how to help your GF's child adjust. Write down your concerns and questions beforehand.
If your GF is not receptive to this, or if she's not receptive to a counselor's suggestions, then you've got some hard thinking to do.
