Getting Time for Yourself

I have a 3 year old and a 7 month old. i am new to the area and all i think we need are play dates. winter is about to hit and i just moved from orange county california. everybody hybernates. just call me for a playdate or maybe we can get a bookclub going. ###-###-####. when you have kids these ages it's hard to do anything. i know what you are going thru. however, just logged on tonight and maybe you are really far away. just e-mail me back. are you in barrington?

First off, if you want to put the kids to bed at 6 - do it. After all, according to hubby, you are in charge, right? If he wants to see them he will have to ask you to keep them up, then HE will take over and put them to bed, etc, since your day ends at 6 with them. Since you have to ask for him to watch them, by all means do so (or tell him). Just tell him when you want him to watch the kids, then go. Remind him that he had kids too and it is never just one parents job to care for them - period. You are spending way too much time thinking of him and not enough time thinking about you and the kids. If he is making himself this unattainable and putting all the onus on you, then you certainly should not feel guilty doing things by your plans, the kids needs, and your wants. You sound way too isolated and he sounds way too controlling. Sorry to put it that way, but I would be miserable in your situation, and in this day and age there is no reason you should have to live like this. Traditional or not, your husband needs to sit down with you, hear you out, and respect you for taking such good care of him and your children.

Dear A.,

I feel like your post is a cry for help. My first husband made me feel the way you seem to be feeling. We too lived in the country, he farmed and I was in charge of the house, yard (which included mowing a huge yard with a push mower), and the 2 kids. I am here to tell you that you should NEVER have to ask PERMISSION to do anything. A couple should be able to discuss their problems and there should be give and take. You have to find support for yourself and possibly look into marriage counseling.

For me, I stayed with the jerk for 14 years only to divorce, and remarry a "real" man who does his fair share and appreciates when I need a break! Good Luck.

i'm sorry for your situation, but try to make the best of it. don't forget that it is a blessing that you get to stay home with them, but i realize that the blessing can be hard sometimes. here are some suggestions that i have thought of:

1. join a MOPs group. http://www.mops.org/
2. establish room/bed time for your 2 year old.
3. if you have to ask your husband to watch the kids, then ask. try to set up a day once a month where you get to go out.

keep up the good work. the time we have with our children before they start school is short.

I'm going to go ahead and throw this out there.

I absolutely, positively do not mean to be offensive in any way whatsoever, but it sounds like you might have an abusive husband. You don't have to be hit or physically attacked to be abused.

Based upon the information you've given us, it sounds like he is using your situation and your 'traditional role as a woman' to perhaps control you and keep you in the house. You mention that he denies you time for yourself because it "went out the window when you had kids". That could be a form of controlling behavior. You mention that you can never do anything without having to 'ask' first. That could be another sign of controlling behavior. You mention that having someone else to watch them is out of the question - I'm curious as to why that is. Is it because you don't trust someone else watching your children (which, I totally get that!) or is it because he is opposed to you finding a babysitter or frowns upon you hiring a babysitter because it means that you get to get out of the house and have time for yourself. If it is the latter, that could be another sign of controlling behavior. You mention you feel guilty taking time for yourself when your husband gets home because you haven't seen him all day - does he ever make you feel that way? If so, that could be another sign of controlling behavior.

Again, I could completely be reading this wrong but with the information you've provided there are definitely some potential red flags. As far as your situation is concerned, put the kids to bed when they are tired. Period. Keeping them up to see Dad is disruptive to the sleep they so desperately need for proper growth and development. Additionally, good sleep at night will translate into better behavior/disposition (not saying they're not well-behaved, but lack of sleep can lead to crankiness and discontent), which will translate into potentially calmer, more peaceful days with you.

Have you ever heard the saying "If mama ain't happy, then NO ONE is happy"? It's so true. Your husband takes time away from his job AND his family to be with his buddies or go hunting, and he does so because it is a way for him to unwind from his daily grind. You are entitled to a break too. Instead of 'asking' your husband to watch the kids, 'tell' him: "On Saturday afternoon I am meeting up with my friends for coffee at Starbucks. You will need to be available to watch the kids." With some men, you just have to be blunt and direct. If he tells you "no you are not allowed to be with your friends", then you may need to take a serious look at your relationship.

Trust me, I don't mean to be harsh and your situation might just be a simple case of the 'man not getting it' (who of us hasn't experienced this?!?). Please do look for red flags though if your husband is 'isolating' you, because although that sort of behavior doesn't leave a bruise or a mark it is still abusive.

Best wishes to you.

one thing you might want to do for your non-napper is arrange some rest time or quiet playtime in his/her room so you can steal a few moments then without someone demanding your attention. this worked fairly well for awhile when my 2yo would nap and my 4yo would play in his room for about an hour or so (and occasionally fall asleep himself, which was a huge bonus!). you could also try reading a few books in bed to see if you can coax the non-napper to sleep on the sly.

i get most of my kid-free time in the evenings after the kids are in bed. it's not helping with the sleep-deprivation, but it is MY time to do MY thing, which usually means i'm working but sometimes i'm just vegging and recharging my batteries with a book or poking around online. my husband essentially does the same then, and goes to bed before me so even then i have some completely alone-time very late before i give in and crash.

if you don't already belong to a local mom's group, i really recommend it. then there are activities, both with the kids and without that will give you an outlet, some interaction, and give you an excuse to maybe get out from time to time in the evening and have some fun (husbands will survive watching the kids for an hour or two -- it's good for them, in fact!). put your foot down and just go, dh will adapt and survive. maybe action will get him to realize you're serious about needing that time, sometimes talk is far too easily ignored or not taken seriously. just come to him with "i'm going to be here at this time this night, dinner is in the fridge, etc" so it's all laid out and he doesn't have to think about it. just do it or you'll be stuck like this. and look forward to when the kids are older they will play together better and eventually go to school and you'll actually be able to steal a little more time during the day for yourself. but you do need to stand up for yourself and demand that nurturing time now too, or you'll get burnt out!

Ok there are several things that come to mind but I am not going to go into it all. 1st if your husband thinks that he is "watching" the kids when your get time for yourself then it's the wrong attitude. When it's your own children your not "watching" them that's what babysitters and family does you are caring for them as you are supposed to. Kids are a two way street when both parents are together or should be anyway.
If you think that you must keep the kids up until dad gets home then let him put them to bed! He can change diapers, read them a story (yes even the 7 mnth old) and tuck them in. And then other than that one or two nights a week I would tell him. I am going xyz tonight. Not an option just do it even if it's going into the bathroom for an hour to take a bubble bath. Good Luck H.

It is so hard finding time to yourself, and then actually taking it for yourself rather than doing for everyone else without hearing "mommy, mommy". I would set certain days of the week for daddy to see them and only keep them up on htose days. That way you get something to yourself and he gets to spend a few minutes with the kids. Maybe just weekends, or 3 evenings during the week. Doing this is much easier than trying to change daddy's "attitude".

I know you've received alot of "lectures" from people on this board, so I'm not going to go there. If you want out of your situation, I'm sure alot of us would be glad to help. But it sounds like you just want to learn how to cope with it. So here's my advice:

Putting your kids down at 6 when they want to go to bed isn't selfish of you. It's providing them with what they need. Besides even if it was selfish, how selfish is it of your husband to not give you the time that you need to unwind? If you don't want to do it every night, pick a night or two to put them down at 6:00, then pour yourself a glass a wine, run a hot bath, dim the lights or light some candles and chill for the two hours that he's not there. You can also give yourself a pedicure, watch a great chick flick or just chat with your girlfriends.

Sign your kids up for some mom & tot classes. It's a great way to meet other moms in your situation. When you get to know them better, you can exchange kids by having playdates. That'll also get you some time to yourself.

Good luck!

Hi. I've had a similar problem but he has been getting better. What about trying to find someone just 2 hrs a week like a responsible high schooler after they get out of school. I would still put the kids in bed early druring the week if they are tired. Good sleeping schedules need to be established before scholl kicks in. He has the weekends to spend with the kids. He needs to see that you can't keep going like this. I put up a fuss and I only have one! My mom also helps me out once a week. Plus mine is in Preschool. Hope you can find something that works.

First, I totally understand being a stay at home mom with the kids, then spending "quality" time with your hubby until bedtime. But I have also learned that the longer I go without me time, without doing something a little bit selfish, the angrier and unhappier I get, which makes the kids act up more and the husband seems to get on my nerves more and I'm a not so nice person to be around. Please, take some time for yourself. And if it's after your husband gets home, that's fine. Tell him, you need a break, you're going to take a nice long bath, the tv is all his. Also, something that helped me when my oldest was "quiet time" when he used to have naptime. He played with his toys in his room for 1/2 hour so mommy could get stuff done. Good luck to you!

Hi A.,
I am sorry to hear about your situation. The first thing I would do is establish a nap/quiet time for your two year old around the same time your baby naps. My almost 4 year old son goes down for a nap everyday around 1:00 or 1:30, about 30 minutes after I put my 19 month old down. Sometimes he reads or plays with his trucks in bed, but 90% of the time he goes to sleep, and I get about 1 and a half hours a day to myself. Not really to myself, but I can clean up, workout, pay bills and so on. The second thing I would do (especially if you can't establish a nap for your older child) is put them to bed earilier. If they are tired they need to go to bed. How do you feel when your tired and someone makes you stay up too late? That's how your kids feel. As far as your husband, if he wants to see them awake, maybe he will be able to adjust some things around afew days a week to be able to help out or relieve you a bit, if he knows they need to get to sleep earilier. I believe rested kids are happy kids, I also believe rested moms are happy moms.
Good Luck.
K.

Hang in there! I think that this situation is fairly common-I'm kind of in it myself.

A couple things-
I would try to get together with other moms around. You said you are on a farm-where? Church? School?? Friends? The YMCA?? What about a workout for yourself with childcare?

I would definitely do quiet time! My son is 3.5 and stopped napping, but when we started following a clear schedule with QT in it-he started again. You need that!

It's not selfish at all to put the kids to bed early a night or two!!!! You need to take care of the kids' Mom!!!!

If you would ever like to go out for coffee or have me watch the kids while you take a bubble bath, etc-please let me know(pending your area-I'm in Palatine). Us moms need to stick together!!!!

Good luck!!!

A.,
Oy! First of all, put the kids down earlier and without guilt! They will be healthier and happier with an earlier bedtime. Also, it is not selfish to want some time to yourself in the evenings. Getting away from your house for a little while will make you a better Mom and wife.

I don't understand why you can't get a babysitter every so often so that you could have some breathing room??!! I get that your husband is "traditional" but come on! Its 2008 and most people have realized that NOBODY can do the same job 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Just because you are a mom doesn't mean that you are not a human being with interests and needs. In order to be the best Mom and wife that you can be you MUST have a little time to just be you. It is so important to your mental and physical health!!! I'm not talking about a full-time nanny here, but just someone who can come for a few hours every week or two - maybe a neighbor, family member or local college student. This is what I did and it SAVED my life - I mean that. I have a girl who comes 2 times a week for 3 hours at a time and I get to do my grocery shopping in peace and go to the gym. It has made all the difference in the world.

Good luck to you...I hope you find your balance and that your husband can understand your position. Take care...
T.

If he is unwilling to give you time and there is no family or friends to watch them for a few hours, it is time to hire a sitter for an afternoon or two a week. He had children too! He does not want your mental health to suffer, he will understand! If there is no option for a sitter or a family member...you need to have a much larger discussion. I have always done what I needed to do for me. If there was no one there to volunteer to help me, I found someone. You deserve some time to reclaim your sanity!

For your own sanity, you need to establish "quiet times" every afternoon about when your 7 month old takes a nap. Your two year old can listen to music, look at books, play with quiet toys, or hopefully nap. This is also your time to rest, look at a book, do a craft project or whatever else you need to do to rejuvenate yourself. Do you perhaps have a friend that you could trade babysitting/play time with?

Hi A.,

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I am a Stay at Home Mom as well, so I know exactly how draining it can be. I love my kids to death, but it's still a full-time job caring for the family 24/7. Someone mentioned that your husband needs to be reminded that he had children too. They are absolutely right. You said you have thought about doing something after the kid's go to bed, but you felt guilty because your husband's been gone all day. Quite frankly, if your husband doesn't want to help you during the day, I say make plans in the evening for yourself. Maybe then, your husband will try to help you during the day so he could spend time with you again in the evening. Good luck and I hope things work out for the best.