Getting Along with Others in Kindergarten

What about setting up some playdates with other kids so that she can not depending on the one friend so much. Also, can you volunteer more in the classroom or lunch time? Then talk about the behavior.

Kudos to you for being a loving, pro-active mom and realizing there are several factors here. I have 6 kids and have had similar experiences. I also homeschooled for a few years. Here are a few of my thoughts.

1). Yes, arrange some play dates with other kids from her class. That's great that she has a good friend, but I'd help her develop some other relationships, too. This alone may be all that is needed. I have a very strong-willed child, and she has had to learn "where the line is" and that she won't have friends (at least, not nice ones) if she acts certain ways. It's taken quite a bit of direct teaching.

2). It may be hard with a 20 month old at home, but it'd be worth it if there's any way you could volunteer a couple times to be able to witness for yourself more of her behavior at school.

3). Remember teachers are not perfect. I've come to appreciate this kind of direct feedback from teachers, even if I am very aware of less-than-desireable character traits and/or approaches the teacher may have. As long as "the spirit of the child" is not being crushed, learning to deal with imperfect teachers is just another opportunity for growth for both parent and child.

4). Your duty and concern is to the well-being and development of your child. Resist the temptation to try to please or appease others. Listen to your gut feelings about what is going on and what your daughter needs. (It may be that she needs to adjust her behavior and learn some social skills and there is absolutely NO shame in that. This is the time for it! Or it may be something else.) Be willing to face and speak honestly with the teacher and/or principal if the teacher is doing things that make you or your child feel "small" or uncomfortable. When done with sensitivity, I've been surprised how open teachers have been to my concerns about how their behavior/tone of voice/word choice/expectations was affecting my child.

5). There was a period of time that was particularly stressful for me where I had some "daily affirmations," one of which was, "My job as a mother is to love and teach my children." This was a reminder to me that there's a difference between manipulating desired behavior and teaching them. Fine line, I admit, but the intentions are different. This may not be an issue for you, but I wanted to mention it for what it's worth.

As far as how to help her change her behavior, I'd want to hear more specifics of what she is doing. Maybe you need to see more of it, too, (play dates and getting into the school address that.)

Time helps a lot, too. You are doing the right things, even by being more aware. This shall pass!

J.,
You have the information to you by the note that the teacher wrote regarding your daughters behavior. I believe there are many things happening here and one of them is that you mentioned she is in a new school.Like most youngters moving in a new area and school they are always finding a "Place" within, it is a adjustment period for your daughter and as a parent it would be best to sit down with her and go over the dos and the don'ts in her behavior during school. Talks every night around the supper table is a good start. Do it in a very loving and diplimatic way. Many 5 year olds do understand it is up to you to discuss it with her. There are good behaviors and there are bad behaviors and this need to be pointed out to your daughter with examples and talked and lectured each night. Do remember behaviors can be corrected and changed and at 5 they can be redeveloped and changed while she is young yet. Research reads after 6 years of age many children have already establish their behaviors good or bad that they will be using for their rest of their life. So its not to late yet to correct by pin pointing her bad behaviors and correcting them with the example of a good one you show her, reward her when the good behavior has been exercised. Do this until all is well and things will clear up at school and your daughter will be so appreciative by it for years to come. Good Luck KM

I agree with the last poster. Consult the teacher regarding the comments. Tell her that you are considering pulling your daughter from kindergarten in order to give her a few more months to mature and then start again in the fall. The teacher will respond one of two ways; she will either agree (in which case you know this is what she wanted to say in her comments, but didn't), or she will disagree and be surprised (in which case you will know that she is really just looking for some support from home).

Please do not disregard the comments from the teacher. They do not make harsh comments lightly because they know that it will mean a tense consultation with the parent.

Finally, if you know that your daughter is capable of behaving differently, then you need to expect her to act that way and make your wishes known. We all have a hard time accepting that our babies are not as sweet, smart, thoughtful, funny, and appropriate all the time as we see them some of the time. Be open to her comments. Your daughter will be better off in the long run if you do.

I am a teacher and find it unusual for a kindergarten student to have homework other than being read to or practicing writing etc. You need to talk to the teacher and then I would ask if you could come into the classroom. . .perhaps to help out. . . so you could actually see what the teacher feels is a problem. In this way, you would have a chance to determine for yourself if there is a real problem or not. Many times a child acts differently at school than he/she does at home. I was constantly amazed when teachers told me how cooperative one of my children was at school. I remember asking, "Are you sure you are talking about my child?"
It is difficult when a child is new and everyone else already has friendships formed to include a new child into the mix, however, parents and the teacher can certainly help in this situation whether it is including the student into different center activities or with the parents getting together for play dates outside of school days.

In my opinion, this teacher is old fashioned and does not have realistic expecations of children. It is perfectly normal for a 5 or 6 yr old to want their own way; don't we all? This takes loving guidance to help your child learn to compromise with others. If it were me, I'd find another, more child-centered class for your child or homeschool her.

Hi J.,
Moving from one school to another is tough on kids, and can even cause behavioral regression. It would not be surprising if perhaps she is acting "younger" than she did in preschool. At this age, talking about it doesn't work, as you've already stated.

Instead, help her work through situations by playing with her. Grab some stuffed animals, puppets, action figures or whatever you've got, and set the stage for her to act out the school situations. Have a toy leave it's "friends" and go to a new place with strangers. See what your daughter does with that. If she does do anything that concerns you, just be alert for it to happen again. If it is a recurring pattern, then she may be "stuck" with that issue, and you should show her solutions through what the toys do. Fly in a "hero," or have a visit from a wise grandmother that knows just what to do. Don't forget to model having several friends! Have a lot of fun playing while you are doing this. Just getting your full attention will be very helpful.

Another idea is to articulate for her the ways you cope with not having things your way. For example, "well, if I could choose, I would really want your picture package to have one of each of these, but hmmm... that isn't one of the choices. That's OK, this one is fine."

You can also help her by giving her in fantasy what she cannot have in reality. This is a little trick you are probably familiar with. For example, if a child is upset because there are no french fries for supper (! gasp !), and you eat imaginary french fries, and then the table is made of french fries, and the room, and the street... and you eat the whole world... You get the idea. At this age, imagination rules!

I hope these ideas are helpful to you, and that you have a lot of fun with your dear daughter!

Hi J.
I had this same sort of problem when my son was in first grade loved school until then. He started acting out in school. I tryed to talk to the teacher and he was very negative. He is in third grade now and loves school again. So the moral of the story is. It may be the teacher!! If your school has more than one kidergarten class. I would see if she can switch teachers. Because if this teacher for whatever reason has decieded to pick on your daughter. She may end up with low self esteem and Hateing school which is not where you want to be. Good Luck :) T.

My daughter is also the youngest in her class a birthday of 8/29 and started Kindergarten barely 5. I too have had the same comments and concerns. It's probaly a maturity thing. I've been told my daughter has to have her own way, she's bossy, she won't work in a team, has no compassion for others. At first I was offended and hurt. I've tried hard at home to get her to share be nice and this one has worked real well giving compliments we pracitce this alot and she's gotten very good at it. I've told people love compliments even if you tell a little lie it's ok. Even if you don't like so and so's clothing tell them it's cute anyways. So she's very good now at going around telling the other girls she likes their new shirt or hair or whatever.

Beware though if your daughter is like mine going to first grade might be a problem too. My daughter started first grade this year and was doing so horrible. Hated her teacher, had no friends (yet had them in K) hated school, was doing horribly academically I was ready to put her back in kindergarten but decided to try counseling first. Her counselor told me the transition from K-1st grade is extremely hard equivalant to (hs to college) and that my daughter was anxious and this and that. With a few months of counseling my duaghter is doing alot better. She loves her teacher now, has friends again and was put in the gifted program. I still do think I should have never sent her to K at age5 like that I should have been more patient and sent her at age6 given her another year to mature and grow. Right now she's the youngest, shortest, and hasn't lost any teeth yet and it bother's her greatly.

Another thing is my daughter is a spring bloomer she has a history now of doing this in preschool 3yr. preschool4yr. kindergarten and now 1st grade of doing horribly in all areas then in the spring catching up, and passing everyone by. It's like she is a turtle and then by spring time she's kicking everyone else's butt.

If your daughter's K teacher is still talking like this at the end of the year you should look into holding her back just to give her another year to mature. Her brain isn't as developed as the other kids if she's the youngest and there is a HUGE difference between 5 and 6 year olds in my opinion.

This really upsets me. As a former kindergarten teachers assistant I find the comments to be childlike and vague. Part of my duties included filling out report cards and conducting conferences. I'm sure she doesn't ALWAYS want her way. And if so, so what? She's five! The teacher's job (as well as yours) is to teach your daughter ways to deal with her desires. That is the whole point of kindergarten, to learn social skills. These days all children do is sit in a chair for seven hours and churn out worksheets, which has shown absolutely no long term academic benefit. In fact, it leaves normal opinionated children feeling like outcasts. This is why I resigned and opted to teach preschool... where the real learning happens. Sorry. This really burns me up!

Anyway, the short of it is that you're daughter's response to tedious assignments is normal. All the kids from my son's preschool ran into the same issue. Their preschool provided a rich and stimulting environment. Switching to traditional public school was a rude awakening. However, many children are mindless sheep by their fifth year due to hours of tv (which causes kids to be less imaginative) and poor daycare programs that force 3 and 4 year olds sit for hours at a time doing seat work. Transition for these kids is easier... they don't know better. Different story for your child I'm sure.

I'd pay no mind to the comments. Chances are, as in most states, kindergarten is not mandatory. Therefore, what the teacher says doesn't mean a hill of beans and your daughter is at no risk of being held back. REAL early childhood educators, if she at all has p-3 certification, will understand that your daughter's development is normal and the TEACHER needs to adjust her curriculum to fit each students' needs. You'd be surprised how many people doze during this part of teacher training.

I'd suggest plenty of out-of-school play dates with other students so she can work on socializing since there's no time at school. Her age more than likely is not the issue. It is lack of proper stimuli that fuels negative behaviour.

Also I'm not sure about the friend dependence. Unless the other child is completing her assignments, I don't understand. Children at this age often form close relationships with only one peer in the class. I call it BFF syndrome, lol. They eat, breath, and sleep their best friend. It's natural until they reach the clique stage.

OK, I've said my piece. Hope you find some comfort in my mad ramblings. Good luck :)

Maybe you could set up a meeting with the school counsler. You could explain what her previous behavior has been and what the teachers concerns are now. I'm sure the counsler could help you with some ideas and also talk to our daughter. The counsler would also have some one on one time with your daughter.
Have you thought of having some play days with other kids in the class. Maybe two or three different kids for cookie baking or some other kind of at home activity.
I am sure things will work out.

Your daughter is in a new school district with children who seem to already know each other. She also relies heavily on the friendship of one child. This is not good. The one thing that you should be doing is making friends yourself with the other parents of the kids in her class and having those kids over for play dates. The more playdates your daughter has the more friends she will develop. This will also give you an opportunity for you to observe her behavior. Usually this bossy behavior is a symptom of something else, so try talking to your daughter about her school day (don't ask her directly....ask who did you play with?, what games did you play?, what did you eat for lunch?, what games did you play at recess?, what did you learn today?). It may take a few weeks, but she should open up. I would keep the teacher in the loop about what you are doing to help improve the situation. If none of these things are working then you need to have a meeting with the teacher to let her know what you have been doing and to get additional suggestions from her.

Even though this is happening at school, you are the parent and it is up to you. You need to do whatever you can to ensure you daughter doesn't become isolated. Even though she is in Kindergarten these are the kids that she will be in school with for a long time. Now is the time to make friends. Don't wait to help her in this venture. There is a boy at my sons school who only had one friend in school during Kindergarten and now they are in 1st grade and that one friend doesn't want to be around him because noone else wants to be his friend and that boy doesn't want to be alone. Also, make sure you are getting her into other outside activities (soccer, dance, gymnastics, baseball, basketball, etc...), this is also a great opportunity for her to make friends with kids at school in a different environment.

Also...your daughter is in school now and not preschool. Homework is now a part of life and the class sizes in school are larger than in preschool, so yes they need to be more regimented. Teachers have to have order otherwise the class breaks down into chaos and noone learns anything. If your daughter went to a preschool that was unstructured and the children got to decide what they did, then her bossiness could be due to this change.

As for being critical of the children. If you feel that this is a problem then you need to address this with the teacher and/or the principal. Anytime you have a concern you need to address it.

My family moved from VA to IA right before my son entered Kindergarten. It was not the easiest transition for him or me. He missed his old friends and he didn't want to go to school. However, we are really blessed that we attend a great school and all the teachers and faculty are amazing and always open to hearing from the parents. They are very responsive. If your teacher continues to be critical then you definately need to address this with the principal.

I would sit down with your daughter and see what her view is of school. Just ask her how are things going? Are you getting along with the other kids? If she says fine and yes tell her that you've heard she's been acting a little bossy and go from there. It may be simplified, but I've found taking the most honest, open and direct route with my kids has worked the best. Especially when it comes to school. Good luck!

I totally agree with the other posters... I would have to say it's the teacher and not your daughter. If you have not observed that kind of behavior in your child before than it you can probably be safe in assuming that your child is not behaving quite in the described way.
Another thought is that maybe it is another child that is causing some confusion in how your daughter is behaving. As a mother of 5 kids I have jumped to the conclusion, sometimes, that the fights they are having is one child's doing when in fact is was a different child. I just accused the first one because of how much they were yelling or not yelling based on the situation that I observed.
Maybe this is the case with this teacher... perhaps she is thinking that it is your daughter that is having the negative behavior when it is another child.

I scanned the other responses, because I know how annoying it is to get all of the same advice. I guess I question why the teacher waited until now to send a note. And something this serious would seem better addressed by a phone call or even an email, which would invite a conversation. Notes just seems so one-sided, and to solve problems "it takes a village."

One thing that was not mentioned is the fact that girls tend to pick one friend to be their best friend, while boys tend to be better at playing with whoever. It is such a girl thing to say "you're not my friend anymore." (Okay, I admit that my boys have said it as well, but most of their close friends are girls, but I haven't heard it from them in quite awhile.) I guess I bring this up because we have to remember that kids are socialized and we are their role models, so oftentimes we have to look to ourselves to see why are kids act the way they do. They miss the subtlety of our behaviors, so what we see from them are the extremes.

I like the idea of play dates. Talk to your daughter and bring it up to her. What is her input on the situation? If she is loud, maybe she has an opinion as well.

Whatever the behaviors, it is always a reflection of what is going on both in the environment and in your daughter's perception. It is our job, as the adults in the situation, to mesh those into something that is more socially acceptable.

Good luck. As problems go, this one seems pretty solvable. It's just annoying when the other adults in the situation are not necessarily approaching it in the same way that we would.

What I've found with my kids is that when they are acting out like this, they are trying to tell me they aren't ready for something they're being pushed to do. Their acting out is their way of saying they don't want to do this. Now, I may not be popular for my advice but personally, I'd pull her out of K. Whenever dealing with teachers or such, I've found that I have to follow my own voice on my child. Teachers often feel my kids are fine to do something but when I look at my child (especially my emotional ones) I know they just aren't ready. K is a time when kids should be playing and learning through natural play. I am not a fan of all day K. I don't know how much your child is at school but maybe it's too much. There's nothing wrong with pulling out a child and letting her play for the rest of the year. I bet she'll enjoy learning more and if you decide to put her back in next year, she would be much more agreeable. But, that's just my two cents worth.

I went through a similar situation last year with my son. I endured day after day and week after week critical comments about my son - whom his teacher often referred to as "that boy". Being from a small school district, there were no other choices for a teacher (only one section per grade).

My first suggestion would be to talk with the principal/coordinator of your school and ask for a three-way conference between yourself, the teacher, and the principal. Then (as calmly as possible) explain what has been happening and that you would like to work with the teacher to rectify the situation. I found that once the principal was involved, the teacher had to take a more realistic look at the situation. Before that it was "That boy ALWAYS does this" or "I don't know what to do with that boy, he is CONSTANTLY..."

Well, when the third party was involved and accurate tracking of behaviors occurred, it was determined that "ALWAYS" was in fact 2 - 3 times per day is all. Then more realistic behavior expectations could be implemented. Unfortunately, things were never "great" in that class because the teacher was not a good "fit" for my son. It was, however, somewhat better and the teacher was required to find some good things about my son as well (When originally asked for some positives - all she could come up with was that he wasn't mean.) and with finding some positives, we were able to help build a better relationship.

This year, he has a different teacher and is absolutely THRIVING as the fit is better.

So I guess the first step would be to get an administrator or other 3rd party involved that could help mediate the situation. The second step, if the first doesn't work out, would be to maybe have your child switch teachers. This late in the year it might not be feasible - but hopefully the first option will be enough to make things better...and if not, by trying to work with the teacher, if it doesn't work out, the school may be more willing to go with the second.

Good luck!

As crazy as it sounds, kids act different in school than they do at home. (I am a teacher also) Being that you switched school districts your daughter may be just acting out trying to figure it out on her own. That's a lot of stress on your kid (wether you realize or not)-she switch from friends she had made-to a new school where she knew no-one. She might (might I say) just be afraid to trust to make new friends for fear of moving away again. I'm not a psychologist or anything-so it's just a thought. A lot of kids handle stress in different ways. When you talk to her-she might not know she is doing it, so she doesn't know how to answer. Support her as best as you can, maybe have her invite a few friends over to play (play dates) as see if it will help. Hope this helps.