Frustrated - Chatham,IL

Sometimes, parents are just trying to start conversations, and noticing differences in kids is often a gateway. I doubt most of them are meaning to offend, some people like with me would be meaning to compliment. I bet it's annoying though... I get annoyed when people constantly ask if my boys are twins and then I have to explain they are 2 years apart and blah blah blah... You know I would say very nicely to those who ask,
"I get asked about his height all the time, but what can I say, the boy keeps growing!?"

People are just trying to make conversation. In theory they think they're complimenting you.

My 1st son (18) is 6ft 3in, weighs about 250, always off the charts for height and weight
My second son (just 21 months younger) at 16 is 5ft 3in, 120lbs, never ON the charts for height or weight.

It's just small talk. Never really bothered me that much.

:)

as someone with a child on the opposite end of the spectrum, please understand that it is NOT a negative statement. It is an observation. Yes, he is bigger. And yes it is amazing to those of us with kids in the lower percentiles that a child the same age can be so much taller.
My older daughter just reached 55 inches and she is almost 12. There are some kids in her class that are literally two feet taller then her. This is just amazing to see, not saying that boy who is so much taller is bad, or wrong, or that my daughter is wrong or bad - just pointing out that it's such a big difference it's amazing.
So please, stop taking the comments as negative, they aren't.
Now, you do have to get a comment ready - here are some we use
"those recessive genes! You never know what they will do!"
"yep, we grow them tall/short"
"it's amazing, isn't it?"
"I know, right?"

I would just tell them, "yep, he's our little 4 yr. old superman (or a super hero he likes)!" What boy wouldn't love hearing that for a confidence booster. That would let them know his age and that you're proud of his appearance of stature/dominance! The other moms are probably just making small talk and meaning no harm though.

We get that on the other end... my little guy is always in the bottom 15% for height and weight and we get the "He's very verbal for a toddler!" Um... he'll be 3 next month... "Oh! He's so small!". Thanks, I noticed. I'm 5' on a good day and my husband is 5'10", so as our pediatrician said to us- "Did you really think he was going to play in the NBA? Sign him up for wrestling!".

It's annoying and people don't really mean anything by it so I just let it go. I don't say a word b/c it's simply not worth it. As long as his pediatrician isn't worried, we're not worried. If it bothers him when he's older, we'll discuss growth hormone options.

Just smile and say that you're hoping his future NBA/NFL career will fund your retirement.

Whether they mean it in a "negative" way or not, you have the choice to reply in a positive way. "Yes, he is tall. Isn't he lucky?"

People are always looking for ways to connect with other people and start conversations. We often key in on anything worth mentioning, which means anything out of the usual. I'll bet you do it yourself, but probably don't notice it, because it's just what we do.

My youngest son has ALWAYS been BIG! He weighed 10.5lbs at birth and now, he will be 4 in June, he weighs 50lbs and is over 3feet tall. He is wearing clothes that his brother wore in kindergarden! I have gotton comments on him since birth! "Awwww, how old is your baby? About 3 months?" He was just days old! So I guess I have gotten used to it. My replys usually go something the lines of.."Yup, hes my little TANK!" I have never taken it as rude or offensive. I think parents just want to find somekind of commen ground with eachother. I think the only time it came accross as rude was when someone said..."Hmmm, u better be careful, big kids have higher chances of diabetes. Better watch what he eats." It was from my brother in law, he is a nurse. I looked at him and just rolled my eyes.."REALLY?? Are u seriously saying that about my 2 year old?" and that was that. Never another comment from him!

Chin up! Our big kids are gonna kick anyones butt anyway if they get made fun of! ;) hehe!

I have very tall children, my 2 year old stands almost the same height as the 3 and 4 year olds i know, my 8 year old is the height of some of her friends who are 10, or 12 even. They are both slender also. I wonder if you are misinterpreting their intentions. When people tell me how big and tall my kids are i take it as a compliment every time. I am 5, 6' my husband 5, 9'....we are hardly tall people, not short either , but to have tall children i figure we must be doing something right, nutritionally speaking. Not that people with short kids arent healthy , just that "tall" is rarely ever an insult.

they probably mean well and you are being a little sensitive, you may be confusing a "shocked" expression that is in fact positive with negative.

i always commewnt on how tall, smart, pretty, funny, outgoing, talkative, energetic....etc... other peoples kids are....to be nice.

Ha! yea it's a problem for us in sports. Basketball and soccer. At 1st people thought he was 5, he was only 3. He had no attention span or skill set. He was just a tall 3yr old goffing off. People thought he was 5 and expected him to be as good as the 5 yr olds. I guess they thought he was "special" or something until they found out he was just 3. Now he's 5, and he's good! So, the parents that don't know he's 5 think it's unfair that they let a 7 yr old play. He's taller and faster than all the other kids. They kind of look crazy at us when our boy is on the court! I have to teach him to hold back his competitive spirit because he's bigger than the other kids and I don't want anybody getting knocked down or whatever.

If I were you I would 1. either ignore them or 2. confront them to make them stop. If you choose 2. I would not do it in front of any kids as you don't want to set a bad example.

My older one is tall. I do not see a problem here. You are not talking about a girl. The negative undertone? Maybe they are jealous? Or, maybe, you are imagining it. Shrug it off, people will always be commenting on something. Maybe they are trying to strike conversation with you… sometimes I do that…I comment on a kid…start a conversation with mom.

Are you SURE they are being negative??!!! Are you SURE??!!! If they are, OK, but sometimes we are over sensitive. Not only is my son very tall, looks 4, just turned 3, and a late talker, so people think he's older AND SLOW and they comment on BOTH!!! To be honest, it has NEVER bothered me. He's big. He talks like a barely three year old. People notice all the time. SO WHAT??!!! But admittedly, I've never sensed any "negativity" just small talk and observation in topical discussion out and about in public. If someone ever was negative about it and giving my kid dirty looks and pulling their kids away or something (truly bizarre) I guess I'd tell them off like "What are you kidding me? Do you want an apology that my kid is tall?" but again, I cant' imagine anyone is really attacking over this.
Also, my 20 month old has a large birthmark on her nose. It looks like she had a bad injury. I've heard it ALL. "Did she break her nose?" "What's wrong with her face?" Kids are the best at phrasing things..um..indelicately. Again. SO WHAT??!!! She has a big thing on her face. Why wouldn't people be curious? I'm happy to tell whoever asks that its a birth mark. Kids sometimes sound mean, but I know they don't mean it. I've practiced ways my other two can field the comments for their sister since she doesn't talk yet, like "My what great eye sight you have" when kids say "Hey she has an ugly thing on her face" (ya their mom's feel pretty bad when that happens, but we don't). The main lesson will always be "No one can make you feel bad, you can only make yourself feel bad. People don't mean to be mean, and if they do, who cares about mean people?"
I think you need to be less sensitive. He wont' feel bad about his being tall if you don't. I mean really, tall kids have it made in so many ways in this superficial society. Not trying to be harsh, just a way you may be able to feel less bad and worried.

Hi K.,
I was in your shoes with my now 20 yr old son who is 6'5", size 14 foot, and only 180 lbs. He came out almost 10 lbs. to begin with and like your child he was always at or above the highest % in all categories not just height. In kindergarten he wasn't just an inch taller; you can pick him out of the croud because all the other children were only as tall as his shoulder.

I didn't look at it as a bad thing. I was proud to have a son who stood out above the rest. Yes, many people made comments but I took it as them being envious. I would respond with comments that made them see the uniqueness and specialness in him. One woman commented "Wow look at that one he had to have flunked kindergarten several times." My response was: "No, he is only 5, but he definately stands above all the other little kids doesn't he." I always made my son feel proud of being tall. I always made him feel special no matter what other people say or do. Even in highschool the other boys teased him about being tall, such as, "How's the weather up there." I didn't even have to tell him anything. He automatically assumed they were just teasing him because they were jealous. He ignored their comments.

I guess what I'm suggesting is that don't look at your sons tallness as a bad thing. Turn it into a special, unique thing that your son should be proud of no matter what. Talk to family members and tell them to also boost his esteem by treating his tallness as a unique, and wonderful quality. For example: My father had to pick up my son from kindergarten one day for the first time and said to me in front of him. "I was so scared when the croud of kids started coming out of the building. I thought I would miss little billy, but then I saw him standing out from the croud with his big head above all the rest, I felt at ease." he then continued to praise my son by saying that him being so tall made grandpa feel good. My father's comment wasn't meant to do harm. My family makes him feel great about his tallness. They make sure he feels special and makes sure that he feels that his tallness is an attribute in many ways.

Warning! When he hits puberty at about the age of 12, save up a lot of money for clothing and shoes. For a full year every 3 months I literally had to buy new shoes and clothes because he grew out of them that fast. He went from just under 5' to 6' tall and a size 7 boys shoe to a size 11 mens IN ONE YEAR!

Sorry so long I hope this helps. Good Luck

A.

I havent read your comments, so I apologize if it's a repeat. I think many parents would rather have a tall child and I think when they make those comments, it's actually coming not from a place of negativity, but from a place of positivity. Meaning, "WOW, your child has nice height, mine is shorter than yours." While I am not undermining your feelings towards the comments, nor am I making excuses for the comments that parents are making to you, I just really feel as though you should begin taking them as a positive statement, perceiving it as such, and saying ,"THank you! Yes, my son is tall for his age and that makes me happy!
I sincerely believe that parents notice it and comment on it coming from a place of admiration. Enjoy the compliment, show your son how you both can enjoy the compliment and if need be, bring up positives about being tall! I know I would love to be tall! :)

My son is 2 and is as tall as the average male 4 yr old according to his pediatrician. He has always been in the 98% of height since his first dr appt! I *always* get those.. wow, hes tall comments whether we be at church, the store or the park. I actually love the comments! My husband is very tall and my son takes after him. I have always thought tall ppl were so beautiful (although I am not tall myself) and take pride that my son is so tall. I turn the negative undertones into positive ones.. by replying with something like.. ' I know, right? Just like his daddy!'

Like many of the other posters said, the moms probably don't mean it the way it comes out. EVen if they do, it's because they are probably jealous. My oldest was always taller than the other kids, but as he is turning 12, I see that many of the other boys are catching up. It's definitely an advantage when it comes to sports.

The other issue that both myself and a friend of mine, had, was others thinking he was older. When he was playing around at the park, or the new kid at the playdate-other parents expected her son to share and use words to resolve issues . A lot of times, my friend had people thinking that her son was almost 4, when he was 2. They expected him to know better and were mean about that. The kid looked older than he was and that caused problems when other parents thought he was just really mean or naughty. He was 2!!! I had it on a rare occasion, but I know my friend dealt with it more.

Yes - our first born later turned out to be 6'4" tall. At preschool other parents would constantly compare the size of their child to our son and be making comments about "mine is shorter than yours..." Our son's best friend was short and our son would protect him from others. I explained "it was the vitamins I took during pregnancy" and "we have tall people in my side of the family". It became disadvantage during middle school as people who are different can be picked upon but otherwise has worked out just fine. Our son did ask my husband and I "I'm so much taller than both of you...where did I really come from?" (There was height on my Mom's mom's side of the family...not on husband's side of the family at all.) As we moved into sports to learn how, the height became an advantage and fostered self esteem for our son. He learned how to play a musical instrument that went well with his height - the double bass.

Say something like ' yeah, I noticed and we didn't even use Miracle Grow in his formula.
My dad's sisters were petite 5'-5' 3", when Iwas a child they would look at my Mom and say aren't you afraid she's going to be tall (like that was a bad thing), my Mom would say and 'what am I going to do about it?'

I completely understand!! My son was only 8lbs5oz when he was born but I am on 5'2' and small framed and his dad is only 5'8' and fit, and his MOTHER didn't say anything but "he's soo huge!!!!!" and "Oh my God..he's sooo BIG!!" for the first few months of my son's life! She still does it even now and he's 10-mos and only in the 90th percentile for height, and 75% for weight. It REALLY got to me because when that's all you hear from someone over and over its starts to feel like they mean it in a negative way. It used to really upset me, but I decided that SHE was the one with the issue and that I was do everything I was supposed to and that my baby is beautiful and proportionate and I now just smile and say, "yes, and he's smart and handsome too!" Maybe she/people just don't know how to give a proper compliment. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. People are strange..

It seems different, but I swear I felt the same way with both my pregnancies when I got really big (and had big babies) and people would say seemingly negative things about my weight gain and size. I tried several approaches, and in the end what worked the best (by FAR) was to put on a big smile and very genuinely say "yes, I know, I'm lucky to make such big and healthy babies!". I'd recommend something like that "yes, I'm so blessed to have such a big and healthy boy!". Try it a few times and you may be pleasantly surprised at how people then respond.

Hi K.,
I totally understand. I have the same, yet opposite problem. My son is at 50th percentile in height but isn't even on the chart for weight. He's below the 0% for his age (21months). People always comment on how little he is. Doc says he's perfectly healthy and he his all his milestones and eats fine. Sometimes I feel people think I don't feed him! Its frustrating, but I usually say something positive back like, "yeah, he's my cute little peanut!" They usually respond back positively. I guess people have to comment on anything that's not the norm. At least my guys unique!

I think you should ask yourself a few questions:
"why does this question bother me so much?"
"why do I interpret this question as being a negative?"
"how is my interpretation of this question affecting the way my son feels about himself?"
Children sense our feelings even if we don't express our shame or discomfort in words....this might be a good time for you to assess your feelings and how they are affecting your son....

I get it on the opposite end. My boys are both very small (although my oldest seems to be in a growth spurt), and people feel the need to comment all the time saying, "Wow, he's so tiny!" I'm sure that makes my 7 year old feel great, and it makes my 13 year old feel really empowered. Note my sarcastic tone. I'm only 4'11". Do people really expect me to have giants?

I have found that people simply don't think before they speak. Be the positive force in your child's life and he will be fine. My tiny boys have lots of confidence despite the comments of others. It is frustrating, but we have to live with it. Good luck! :)

Hi K.,

First, renew your patience...consider how you would feel if you had a very small child the same age as your tall son. You might wonder the same thing only in reverse. When people comment, simply say, "he's only four, just a little tall for his age....how old is your's?"

Blessings....

They are just trying to make conversation. I think it is an easy thing for parents to start out with if it is something of a difference, even the slightest of difference (hair, height, twin, eyes and so on). If it is really bothering you keep it short and sweet "yup he got the tall genes."

My daughter, about the same age as your son, is always drawing comments about height. I too am "short" and I always joke that sh is already 2/3 my height, and that she will out grow me soon... so much for being taller then someone in my family :) Of course people just laugh, and the topic only comes up with close friends and family, usually. Then it is more "oh how you have grown since I/we last saw you!"

For me the hardest is when they learn that my daughter already reads at a 3rd grade level at age 4 1/2. People keep asking what I did, or ask if my daughter can read a little for them... I did nothing besides read to her every day of her life, started working on the alphabet & sounds of letters, simple sight words... One day I just woke up and she was sitting on the coach reading a level 1 book, next week it was a level 2 book and a few months later onto level 3 book.

Let it slide off! It doesn't matter whether your kid is tall, short, fat or skinny, someone will comment - most don't mean anything by it, but I guess there are a few that have undertones. We are on the other spectrum, and yep the kids get complexes themselves, about being big or small compared to their peers unfortunately. Kids are in tune with what is going on around them. Talk with your child if he is bothered by being taller than others, as they say accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative!

We get this all the time. We are not tall, but my son is. I found myself getting very frustrated, but I hate to take myself down to their level and set a bad example for my son.

I started saying, "I think he is just perfect" in a friendly tone. It's true and it shuts them up...and I don't set a bad example.

People comment on physical features. They always have and they always will. I would venture to guess that most of the people commenting are not being negative but, since you hear it all the time, you perceive it that way. My oldest was a preemie so we got a lot of comments about how tiny she was. My youngest is in the 10th percentile for height and the 95th percentile for weight so you can imagine the comments I hear constantly. Oh, she is sooooo short. She doesn't miss a meal, does she? What in the world have you been feeding that child? It gets annoying but I know they don't mean anything by it and they also throw in comments about how lovely her blue eyes are, how cute she is, how happy she is. I just agree because, after all, they are correct...she is cute, short, chubby, happy and blue-eyed.

If he is only an inch taller than the other kids and you want to "defend" him from the observations of others then why don't you just say "He is only an inch taller than the other children...it isn't like he is ______ (insert really tall well-known person of your choice)."

I agree, parents always want to compare other children to theirs. Duh, everyone is made different. This is not a new concept. For how many hundreds of years are we going to continue pointing that out?

My older daughter is chubby, and people always want to comment on her weight. "Oh, she's slimming down!" "Oh, she's gaining again!" Should we just call CNN then? Give me a break!

I feel your pain!

I don't think people are actually trying to be negative in how they phrase it, just that if he really is tall for his age then it stands to reason that they would be surprised. It sounds like it's a very sensitive subject for you so this is something that you're going to try to have to grow a thicker skin over if you can't nip the questions in the bud. When people ask you how old and tall he is, put on the most proud tone and big smiling face you can and say "He's the perfect height for his age. The pediatrician said so. Thank goodness he's so healthy."

In other words, don't tell people his actual height. Tell them how proud you are of him instead. Redirect them to another subject.

My daughter was tall for her age. When someone said "Good Grief she's tall!" My response was "I know, isn't it great!" "Oh yes, and we're so proud!"
Most people are stunned by a positive response.
Wishing you well!
A.

I have had to deal with this issue with my daughter. She is 7 and normally the tallest (by far) in her classes, groups, etc. I hear the same comments all the time. I normally just say, "Yeah, she will be a model one day!" and walk away. It does not appear to be bothering her at this point so I am trying not to make it an issue. Her besties are all like a foot shorter than her and it doesn't seem to bother them, its just the parents. After reading the comments had made me feel better too.

That frustrates me as well. I have a 6 month old son that is 28 inches long and everyone states that he is a "big" boy and are amazed. I take offense to that like he is fat. I mean really, like your son, my son is tall for his age group as well. He is wearing nine month clothing right now because of the leg length. I think people should be quiet personally and if they don't have anything nice to say they shouldn't say anything at all. My son is healthy and the doctor even said that he is doing great. He is Tall people get that through your head. Ugh. I feel your frustration. I'd like to hear the other responses. Good luck with your patience.

My kids were all huge! My husband is 6'5". His sister 6'. Mother and father
5'11" and 6'4". They just grow them big. People always used to comment
about how big they were. Who cares. Why does it bother you. Just smile
and say yes he is, isn't he.

Yeah, we get that too, but you can't let it bother you. You'll go nuts worrying about what other people think when it's nothing you can change, nor should you want to. We just bought my 8 yo new baseball cleats... men's size 6.5 and also his own baseball helmet... the adult one. He's so used to comments on his size that he looked right at the sales guy and said, "Yeah, I have a huge head." lol He's proud. We just tell him he'll be the tallest boy on the basketball team in high school. If someone says something in a demeaning way, just politely tell them what I tell my son when he sees someone "different." God makes us just the way he wants us, different sizes, different shapes. We are all beautiful.

I want to add that what you do need to watch out for is people expecting him to act older because he looks older. Be blunt, remind them of his age if you need to. I always got dirty looks at the store because my son looked 5 or 6 at 3 or 4 years old. Well, gosh darn it, he acted 3 or 4 too. :)

With a boy, you have lots of good comebacks! I'd say "yeah, we psyched he won't have a Napolian complex." Or "yeah, we're psyched he'll likely be tall because it's such an advantage if he plays sports." I have tall girls and have hated the comments but being super tall as a girl actually could be uncomfortable. For a boy, why would it be a negative? So I'd say how great it is and then something like "don't worry, I'm sure Johnny will grow too so he's not always short."

I think that as long as you don't let it bother you it shouldn't bother him. My son, has always been on the taller/bigger size. I noticed that people excepted more from him than what was age appropriate when he was younger.

Take care
J.

I have made that comment before when I compare my son to others (he is pretty average) and I have never once meant it in a negative way. BUT now that you mention it I can see how it may be perceived as a negative remark by a child or parent that is constantly bombarded by the issue...I apologize. I have 2 children that are 17mo apart. My son is the older one at 5yrs and my daughter is 4yrs and they LOOK like twins and people constantly ask us if they are...I can see it coming a mile away :) I always joke about how my daughter is catching up quick to her big brother and people smile & laugh. Have a good, light hearted response ready for next time and make sure your son is proud of himself :) Best wishes!

Hi K.,

I'm so with you on this. My son is the same way. He is 3 and is about an inch taller then most kids his age. Or they think he is the perfect size for football. Maybe he does not want to play football. Just because he is taller people think he is older. So, they say the same things to me. I just want to tell them to "shut-up" but the nice person I am, I don't. I just tell then that it happens to be best of us and go on.

Lisa

Our 4yo is tall too and people comment on it all the time. It has never entered my mind to be bothered by it. He's tall and they are just stating the obvious. You probably shouldn't take offense to the comments, I'm sure people don't mean anything by it and it's just making it more difficult on you, by being this sensitive. Let it go.

Although I have not dealt with this particular thing, when I was younger I had gone through with everyone around me. My parents were slim but I am a little on the heavy side, not enough to say overweight but enough to be judged, Your son should not have to deal with people questioning his height. I do not know your religious beliefs, so please do not get offended, but I believe that God has given your son his height for a reason. Everything happens for a reason I believe. Just like I have people judging me and my little boy, because he and I arent blood, but his daddy is a dead beat and he willed the baby to me and his mom is in a federal pent house for Lord knows what. And I get frustrated explaining the situation of this. I am the only one he knows as mommy and I get looked down on by people and I explain it to anyone who has asked and when he is older, he, and your son will be able to defend themsleves, but for now just stay strong and try not to break on anyone who may question your sons height. at least your son wasnt born with dwarfism. I am praying for you. Good luck hun!!

I have a hard time imagining that they could be insulting you; why not just smile and take it as a compliment? My son has also been taller than the kids in his class but his dad and I are both tall. I look at it as a conversation starter...

In response to your question about whether anyone else has this issue, I answer that "yes" everyone has this issue. Whatever is unusual about a person will draw attention from others no matter their age. Tall adults get the same comments you described, as well as short adults as well. Understand that most people do not intend to sound "mean" in commenting, so I suggest that you and your son learn to be charitable and gracious when your feelings are hurt.

I agree that it would be annoying if they truly are saying it in a negative way. Is it possible that they are not saying it in a negative way, but since it bothers you so much you might be perceiving it in a negative way? I doubt they are purposely trying to be mean about their comments. There is nothing that you can do except have a humorous and possibly sarcastic attitude about it. The next time someone says "Wow, he is really big," just say "Yeah, I married Andre the Giant." Not the nicest response, but if you truly think the person is being mean-spirited, then go ahead and say that. Otherwise, just deal with the comments and say "yes he is big!" That's what I would say. While these women are probably just trying to make conversation, they are also just thinking out loud.

I feel ya! My oldest daughter (8) and my youngest daughter (4) are almost the same height and wear the same size clothes and shoes. The 8 year old has always been very petite and my 4 year old has always been on the bigger side. My 4 year old is by far the tallest kid in her preschool class and towers over the boys. My 8 year old is the smallest kid in the 3rd grade. I have no real explanation for this but it certainly provokes a lot of unsolicited comments. However, it does not bother either girl and my oldest fully expects her baby sister will soon be taller than she is and laughs about it. I don't think most people mean it negatively when they make comments. It seems they are either interested or confused (who is older) or surprised (she's only in preschool?) etc. Like others have said, people sometime use these comparisons as a conversation starter. My advice would be to relax and ignore it. If you perceive these comments a negative, your son will too.

I have a daughter who has always been tall for her age. My pediatrician actually told me very early on to expect many negative comments, some from complete strangers. I think the one that surprised me the most was when someone commented on her not being potty trained yet when she was almost 18 months old. Luckily my daughter has a good sense of humor and the comments have never seemed to bother her much. She actually said to me once, "why does everybody always tell us that I'm so tall, we already know that". In my situation, I think it bothers me more than her. I really haven't thought of a clever comeback so I'm looking forward to reading the other responses. Just know that you are not alone and as the other kids get older & go through growth spurts, hopefully it will stop. I wish more adults would think before they speak though, especially when making rude comments about children, in front of those children.

YES! People think my 3 year old is 4 (she just turned 3) and the comments they make are mindless! Just ignore ignorant people and their ignorant remarks and look at your children with pride!
P.s. You may want to invest in one of those "evil-eye" thingy's so that nobody jinx's him! Lol!