Friends....my Personal Struggle

It stinks but I had to do the reaching out over and over and over until a few friendships took. It is easier if you have kids near in age.

It sounds like you want a childhood kind of friendship. Most adults don't do that, they don't have time. Being single I can see why you want it but it is also making you think you have no friends.

I haven't seen my best friend in person in six months. We don't have time, we have our kids, our families and yes our husbands. This is all perfectly normal unless you happen to not have a big family. :(

I don't know if this is helping but it seems to me you have plenty of friends. You just don't see them as such because they don't have time to hang out with you regularly in person. Really if my friends all of a sudden started with I need to see you once a week I would back away quickly. I love my friends but I just do not have time for that.

Girl, please! WE'RE your friends.

:)

I know this is going to sound counter-intuitive, but here's my suggestion:

Stop *trying* to make friends.
Friendship doesn't work that way. It either happens or it doesn't.

What I would do? Volunteer your time to something you care about. It will cost you nothing (esp if you do it while your son is at school) and it will be good for you.

I volunteer at my son's school, in the library and in the classroom. In the library, one of the gals who volunteers with me-- we've developed a nice sense of camaraderie. We don't go out for coffee or anything, but it is a nice, low-pressure connection. We ask about each others children, share book recommendations, laugh and joke about the books on hand, talk about movies, our weekends, school stuff. When I'm in the classroom, I have a chance to see what the kids are working on and hear their conversations... then later, when I see their parent, I can offer some pleasant feedback -- "Johnny is so excited about your trip to Disneyland. When are you going?" or "Susan said that her grandparents are coming up for her birthday. Is it your folks or your husband's?" or "Quentin was really working hard to spell some of the harder words he was writing correctly-- you should have seen him!" These are little icebreakers that aren't about ME, they are about their kid and thus, we can have a five-minute conversation.

I wouldn't take 'not connecting' with the school parents as a big deal. All through my son's preschool years, I didn't get a sense of deep connection with other families, nor his kindergarten year. This year, there is one family with whom we have a lot in common and it just happened by accident-- they were new, they just bought a house down the block, our kids sit next to each other.... one thing led to another and here we are. I couldn't have orchestrated this friendship if I'd tried. I was just there, ready, receptive and there's one thing I should add...

.... when I was younger and wanting more friends, I tended to smother the people I approached. As I've aged, I have discovered that taking the long path of friendship is easier. A little bit here, a little bit there. I have a couple very close, long, deep friendships, and others which have bloomed quite quickly. But by and large, the many that I've come to enjoy now came out of just being available without pushing to make things happen or to make them understand me. We don't like everyone, and not everyone likes us-- that's okay. I'd almost suggest keeping things at a mildly superficial level until the person has had a good length of time to get to know you more. Most people do not want to go headfirst into a deep new friendship right away-- they have other demands, obligations, and priorities. Friendships should feel easy. We should feel that if we don't call the other person, they aren't at the other end of the phone, waiting and pining. So, all that to say, avoid coming on too strong in wanting a friend. Because most people will interpret that as an unmet need in one's self which the person is looking outward to fill. That, in itself (and I say this as someone who used to do this) is very off-putting to many people and puts pressure and expectation on them. Not pleasant or easy.

I hope you know that I write this out of experience and not out of a desire to poke or be mean or to say 'this is what you are doing'. If something bears the ring of truth for you in what I've written, it does bear examining. If this doesn't speak to you, that's fine as well. I can only speak from my own journey-- the best way to find friends is usually to be a good friend to yourself, first and foremost. Nurture yourself. Find things you enjoy doing, and go with the express purpose of enjoying yourself. (I'm still wanting to go out on birdwatching walks at our local park. If I meet someone nice and new-- great. If not, heck, I love birds...) When you can relax and experience joy, that in itself is greatly attractive to people. It signals that the person has a rich and full life, and people like to be around that. Good luck!

I have moved several times, and I totally get what you are saying. People have adult friendships established, and if you go to a group event where you don't already know people, like a single parents group, where the main activity is sitting around talking, it can be hard to strike up a conversation with someone new, especially if the other people in the room already have established friendships. They, very understandably, tend to gravitate to each other, unintentionally leaving you out. That said, I have a few suggestions.

1) I would suggest finding a group where you work with people towards a goal. Eg, serving at a soup kitchen, or being on a Sunday education school team at a church, or something like that. If you are working with people towards a common goal, you get to know each other and you may find people that you click with on the team.

2) Don't limit yourself to friendships with people in your age bracket. I've found that some much older ladies make really wonderful friends. They are past the 'running crazy with young kids' stage. They are more relaxed and have time to meet me for lunch on my schedule. They are happy to hear about my kids and tell me stories about when their kids were little, or about their grandkids. It's rewarding friendship for both of us. I've gotten to know these women through groups (see point #1) that attract people of all ages.

3) Play to your strengths. I'm an introvert. Like you, I don't do well in larger settings of women. I tried out a bunco group (about 20 women) and felt like I left each week without knowing anyone any better. Then I found a book club (local library) with 5-10 regulars, and really clicked there.

4) Give other people the chance to be a friend. With those people who are my friends, for a long time, I didn't share my challenges. I would listen to theirs. I would try to help. I didn't want to 'burden others'. But how can anyone identify with someone with no problems? My friends didn't feel close to me because _I_ wasn't letting them in. I put a rosy spin on everything in my life, making me appear unrealistic and fake. It wasn't on purpose, I thought I was being a good friend by listening and not burdening others. But really I wasn't giving others the opportunity to be a friend to me. There is a fine line of course. No one wants to hear all negativity all the time either. But in order to develop a friendship that goes beyond the superficial, you have to be willing to let others see your faults as well as your strengths.

Good luck. I hope that you can find what you are looking for.

ETA: Maybe it is time to change your hobby to something less expensive that many can do. Perhaps you project an image of not needing anyone. You say you didn't do clicks in school and air of arrogance may still be there. Actions sometimes speak louder than words about a person. Do try the volunteer route. I wish you luck.
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Do you have a hobby? If not you should try it. Some people make friends this way or take up a class and make friends.

Friends come in many ways, forever, sometimes and short times (as in seasons). Not everyone has a house full of friends. If you can get to know two or three really good you are doing great.

I wish you success in finding a true friend or two. Try to be positive and it will rub off and attract positive people.

the other S.

I can't speak for everyone, but I will say that the friendships I have now took many years to develop. Yes, I still have a few very good friends from my teen/single life, and sometimes we get together often (like during the holidays) but mostly we are busy with our own lives. The women that I spend more time with now are those I have gotten to know over almost 20 years in the community, mostly through volunteering at school and from our golf/swim club and gym.
Instead of focusing on social events and putting yourself under so much pressure to make friends just start doing what you LIKE to do. Take a class, join a club, volunteer, whatever. This is how you naturally meet people you have things in common with. Just enjoy the activity and the companionship and let the relationships develop over time.
For example, I discovered some of the moms from my daughter's GS troop loved to read (as do I) but were unhappy with their current book club. I took a walk and had coffee with one of them one morning and by the end of our workout we had decided to form our own book club. It's been a fantastic experience and has even led to some fun social experiences, like getting together with the husbands. We also plan to go see the film version of one of our books when it comes out!

Have you tried joining some groups? Like a book club, a bunco (sp?) group, a hiking group, a running group, etc. Maybe over time hanging out with the same women in a group will make your friendship stick. It's harder as an adult to get really close bc everyone is just so busy. When I meet a mom I've chatted with a bunch of times and realize I really like her, I will invite her to meet me for coffee. Yes some people are too busy and it never happens. Others want to but take forever to have time. Some people are really into it and we go for coffee that week. Or I'll invite her to my house for tea/coffee. Or I'll invite her to join me for a dog walk or run or... (or whatever she is into). If we really seem to like each other I'll try to get together with her now and then and then after a bit of time I invite her and her family over for dinner. Sometimes people click and sometimes they don't. I'll host playdates with our kids and then we will take turns with playdates if the kids really hit it off. A couple years ago I decided I really wanted to climb the highest peak in our state and started asking around. No friends could do it...everyone was too busy. But at the last minute two friends of friends who I did not even know both said they wanted to do it. Both these women are really good friends now. This year I wanted to invite a friend to do a yoga retreat with me but I never did find anyone to come. It was super affordable so I went by myself and ended up meeting the nicest women from my town that I never knew. I made some good friends just by going to the bus stop with my kids. First we started having playdates. Then we started helping each other by watching each other's kids from time to time. Then I found out one of them loves skiing and the other loves biking. So once a week in the summer the one woman and I go on a bike ride together. And some weekends in the winter the other woman and her family meet us at the local ski hill. We have slowly gotten close. Keep in mind this has been a long slow process of 4 years (when we moved here). I guess just join some groups and when you like someone invite them for coffee...start there. Don't give up! It takes so much time and effort! You say you are home a lot...that is not going to help. You have to really either get out there or invite people to your house.

I agree with Mynewnickname. I disagree with the mama who said you are seeking a childhood kind of friendship.

I'm a 55 year old empty nester living in a new city. My closest friend is a woman who is also new to the city and is 31. We are co-workers. She keeps me young. She and I walk daily. She tells me about her love life struggles and life ambitions. I'm not a threat to her. I allow her to spend time with friends in her age group and never try to tag along, even when invited. Our friendship is based on our using age as a sense of knowledge to the other. She keeps me in fashion. I give her advice that she cannot ask her mother.

I often say that when I retire in 6 years, I'm going to open a friendship circle for lonely ladies. This site proves that need.

My advice differs from what these other moms say. They did not listen to your pain. Therefore, I say, Yes, invite a friend-one friend over to lunch. When you try to invite a group, you get left out later. That's proven. So stop!

A lot of my friends that I get together with today are friends of convenience. That is not to say we are not close and that I don't love them but they are close geographically or our husbands are friends too and it just makes it easy to do things with these friends or couples. They have become best friends over time. My two best friends I have known for over 25 years so I think that kind of history is hard to compete with since we kind of grew up together through our teenage years on up.

I hope you find what you are looking for.

As I get older I'm realizing there's nothing like "old" friends. It's just different. There's so much history and they really really know you. Likely they went through boyfriend break ups and stuff that "new mom" friends haven't. They're jsut so comfortable. Fortunatley I have a few very old friends though we don't live anywhere near each other anymore. But 2 of them are the only ones I can just pick up the phone to call bc I'm bored or upset about something. And even then, they don't have a job like I do alone in an office all day where I can easily chat and often have the time. I try to remind myself they just can't talk like that and most people can't. So you're not alone. I've moved a fair amount too and keep up with friends but mainly via email and of course not all of them and some are super sporadic. I am married so am lucky that way but definitely know what you mean. I have new friends and all but everyone is just busy. I'm guilty of it in a way too and remind myself of it when I start thinking "geez, I don't have really close friends anymore..." A good friend from HS moved and it's been several years and she's made friends but also says how there aren't really she'd pick up the phone to just chat. I"m sure it's even harder as a single mom. So many of our social events now are familes where my husband is getting to know or is already friends with the husband and our kids are friends. I also know that my first year at our new school I was all hyped up to make new friends. Now that I have a decent social circle, I'm not as into it with my youngest. I can see it with other moms though that they're like me several years ago. But I just don't have time. Nothing personal. So seek out moms who also have a 5 year old as their oldest. LIkely they're more in the friend making mode too. I think as moms our social circle often changes after the first child and many women are looking for new friends. I agree with the suggestions of volunteering. Mom's groups too. Honestly seek out other single moms. It's horrible but I so rarely go out without my husband and kids that I don't know how I'd socialize with a single mom so I don't really try. Sorry! I also agree with a poster who said share your troubles. There's a mom we know who does that a ton. My husband can't stand her and doens't know why I like her but honestly her telling me stuff and being so open makes me feel valued. It would get old if I saw her a lot but it's made me realize that putting on a perfect front doesn't really help make friends. Definitely listen and make sure you're not always dumping on people. Could be you have the opposite problem of telling too much but make sure you're in the middle. Listen AND share. I also agree with the post about personal appearance. Make sure you kind of "fit in". People are attracted to people like them... Another thing is to facilitate playdates for your son. I've gotten to know many moms thru my kids' good friends. See if they want to go to a park one Saturday and you can chat with the mom. Or have the son over and at pick up and drop off you will chat. One mom has moved now but I hung out with her a ton bc our daughters were BFF's so we'd take them places and really had a chance to get to know each other and become friends. Like you, I'm not great in big groups. One reason I'm not on Facebook btw is seeing people with 100+ friends freaks me out. Would I have 100+ friends?? Not sure.. One mom at our school seemed really intent on making friends btw. I like her and am friendly but again didn't really have the time. But she has worked at it and organizes moms lunches and nights out and I'm sure she's developed some closer friendships. It can take time and persistence though of course don't be overbearing. But if you act like you have several mom friends at school and want to get them together, they may think you actually are the social chair and join up. Organize a mom's night out. You may only get a couple of takers but that's all you need. FInally, what about work? No friends there? Do you just ask people to get lunch even to take back to your desks?...

Do you go to church? That is where I've met a lot of my friends. If you go to a church with small groups, that really helps with getting to know people on a more intimate level.

I'm sorry you feel this way, I often can relate. When I was married to my ex-husband and lived about an hour from where I do now, I discovered Mom's Club. I discovered it thru a girl my husband worked with. He was NEVER around, worked nights, slept all day. I was basically a single mom with a toddler, which then became a toddler and a baby. I met some amazing women in Mom's Club. I became very good friends with some and we saw each other regularly. It was the first time in my life I felt like I had true close friendships. Then I divorced and moved. I still keep in touch with a few of them on facebook, but we never call, text, or see each other. It's the ONLY thing I miss about my old life. I've lived in my current city for over 5 years now, have no family, and very little friends. I thought I met a great friend a few years ago, but we drifted and again occasionally talk on facebook, that's it. I am friends with my next door neighbor, but not besties by any means. And occasionally I meet up with an old friend for dinner, maybe twice a year. That's it. My kids and husband take up my time now. I do miss having close friendships and a bestie. When I did in home daycare and was always home, I really struggled. But in all honesty, my husband is my best friend, and I'll take that any day. I wish you luck!

We have very similar stories. I'm slowly starting to feel like I'm becoming closer friends with two women I've met over the past 6 years (it's taken 6 years though!!!). I met one woman through a moms group and the other through volunteering. With both of them we have our "thing" that keeps us friends but as we get to know each other better we find out we have a lot more in common. You just have to put yourself out there and get involved with things outside of your son. Or at those parent group things volunteer to help out at them OR instead of feeling left out tell the organizer you are fairly new (or don't get to many events) and ask if she/he would introduce you to some people. They've all been in that position so they'll understand. And I wouldn't worry so much about your looks. If some one is going to be friends with you they will like you for being low maintenance LOL.

One of my new years resolutions last year was to arrange a playdate for my kids once a week with some one. It went well even though every week it didn't happen but maybe try something like that for 2014. Tell yourself you will go to 2 single parent group events a month or something that you can manage without it breaking the bank or not happening because you get to busy. It takes a lot of work but you'll find a friend in time. Good luck!

Life can be strange when you focus on one particular goal. I look at my MIL who had a best friend since she was 3. They dated together, owned a business together, responded to SWFSSWM (now Plenty of Fish) ads together, and sometimes lived together. My MIL got married and was pulled in a different direction. She lost that friendship, however, I keep in touch with her friend who just got married herself. Both their parents have recently passed and they were not there for one another, although I think they both would have liked to be. I believe sometime soon, they will reunite...I hope so.

So I look into my own list of friends and wonder who they are. Sure I have some, but I don't focus on just one (other than the hubs). I had a neighborhood friend that I went to school with almost my entire school history. I am still in contact with her mother, but not her. I lost her sometime ago when she had a pity party about how it wasn't cool to be Mexican back in the day and then proceeded to talk about herself and her own family when I had called to let her know my mother made it through her cancer surgery. I never got to tell her before she had to hang up to go be with her best friend for her birthday. I don't care that she had a new best friend, but we were life friends. But life friends talk to one another and that was missing from this friendship. If ever she decided to call me or we see each other, I would certainly greet her like the old friend she is.

The next one is another life friend that lived in the house between friend one and me. We were a year apart, so she chose to be friends with friend one's sister because they were more age appropriate at the time. She turned into my sister's sister in-law for a short time, so we reconnected. Now, my sister and her brother are divorced and we have to be okay with that. We are still friends...my computer says so.

So I move to my youngest daughter's friends. She has friends she met in preschool. They have been friends since 18/19 months old and now they are eight. One moved and the other is here but we never find the time to hang out, although we always talk about it. They will see each other again in camp during the summer, but the truth is, my daughter is more passive and the friend is a little more bossy. So they annoy each other, but they are friends.

Two nights ago I logged onto FB to find that my friend from 25 years ago lost her husband. I am FB friends with her daughter because she doesn't have a FB. I won't go into the personal details of her life, but I had been there a lot throughout the years when she was here. We have moved on because she moved away...and she doesn't have a FB. Once in a while we will call each other, but the truth is, we never have time. Since I learned of the passing of her husband, I have sent her a daily short message to let her know I am still thinking of her. I don't even have a physical address to send her a card.

Today, I decided to look up a friend that was actually my boss. I found his obituary. He passed last September. Tears quietly rolled down my cheeks as I remember everything he taught me and instilled in me as a work mentor. Honestly, I think he had a crush on me back then, but I only had interest in a friendship and he respected that. I sat and wondered why we never kept in touch and remembered where each of us turned. I lost that job and he stayed there. I moved on to another job and then another job where I met my husband. While I sat there rehashing all of this a series of songs came across Pandora that made me think or wonder...who knows, maybe we will meet again and be friends.

I'm in my 40's, married twice (still married to the second lol) and find it hard to make and KEEP friends. What has really helped us is going to church. The church environment naturally has events to attend. In fact, tomorrow is our monthly breakfast. You bring a dish and hang out with the women, we are also doing a cookie exchange and ornament exchange. I have found that even in a setting like that, you are not going to be friends with everyone and that's ok. I have 2-3 women friends at church now that I get together with. There are couples that we invite over to play games a couple times a month and we all have fun. But it takes a LOT of effort and consistency. Frankly, it's just easier to stay home and hang out with your husband and family. All relationships take work. So when you meet someone that you feel you have some things in common with, take it to the next step and invite them for coffee, or come over and roast some marshmallows in the fire pit and hang out. See if they will do the same with you. It just takes time and I feel like I would rather have one or two REALLY good friends then a ton of casual friends. You will get there, it just takes work so don't give up. Good luck!

A good friend of mine told me that the parents of one of her daughter's classmates were trying to get friendly with her and her spouse. She said they would have lingering chats with them, suggested park outings together, offered them over for beer and the game.

My friend said, much as she appreciated these overtures, she declined them. She barely has time for her existing friends/ family acquaintences and doesn't want to put the effort into forging new relationships.

I said, if it isn't an inconvenience, and you are in the mood, might just take them up on an outing or two. Maybe these new folks mesh with who you are now, better than anyone currently/ still in your circle.

Not really any concrete steps or measures on how to make or secure friends, but I hope you will find it helpful in gaining insight as to why you might be having trouble with same.

Best,
F. B.

The closest people in my life are family - I have two sisters in town. I have a few old friends from high school - we get together here and there, but nothing constant.

As you get older, people are into their own lives...I don't think you're any different than 90% of people your age. It sounds like you have a much more active social life than I do. I tend to not want to get into lots of friendships because I don't have the time or energy to devote to it.

My best advice is to put yourself out there and don't expect BFF's, just accept the social contact for what it is. Do you have siblings?

Join a group or two. My best friends have come from groups I was involved in. It helps to have something in common.

You might try "Events and Adventures." Google it. Or http://www.meetup.com/sacramentosingles/

If it were single I would definitely join groups like that. Also sports groups, maybe bird-watching, museum groups, hiking groups -- whatever interested me.

I think your best bet would be to join a board or volunteer at something that parents of your childs friends ares involved in (PTO, bake sale, preschool board, etc.). It would give you time to socialize outside of drop off and pickup. I also think if you invite the children for a playdate that sometimes the parents might also stick around (park, etc.). I feel the same way sometimes like a lot of moms are closer but I also think it is because I work! I can't make the girl scouts meetings to help during the day, and I am too busy to chit chat at drop off! I am, however, involved in a local mom's club which has helped. I am looking forward to not having so much responsibility of certain groups this summer and hope to get more involved in my school PTO, etc. to become better friends with my daughter's friends' parents.

i don't choose friends based on how they look or how they get dressed. obviously, clean is a given.
BUT, i do choose friends based on depth and ability to talk about different things. so, I don't know if this applies to you, but i like people who are comfortable with themselves and can just talk about everything.
don't hold back. if people don't like you, their loss. it's better to be alone than to waste time.

I think what you are going through is more common than we realize. I sort of feel the same way too.

But I also don't have the time to do everything I need to do now and every time I think of trying to create a social life, I feel stressed with how will I find the time. I already don't have time to do what I want to do. Our family time already seems so limited.

But with that said I miss having friends too. I probably would not want to just become friends with my kid's friend's moms. I see a lot of people do that and those friendships seem to be more of convenience so when the kids move on to other friends (which they do often) where would that leave my friendship I was trying to create with the mom?

I have thought about maybe starting up a meetup group for the moms in our elementary school. But time being a factor holds me back.
With the moms being at the same school, they would live in the same proximity as me and I think I would want it to be a moms group and not moms and tots. Another issue I have is my daughter has a lot of issues with peers, so if I tried to create friendships with the moms her current friends, most likely we would be excluded eventually because no mom is going to want to tolerate the drama my dd can bring to the table. And I have no problem understanding this. I get tired of the drama. :) I wouldn't expect others to be around it.

Joining a church is wonderful advice. I have lots of aquauntances (sp?) at my church. Some groups that I could probably call on in a desperate time of need. I also work there on an as needed basis so I know a lot of people there. One lady who is a little older than me I would consider a friend and she jumps at the chance to offer me help of almost any kind. THat is what I consider a true friend. Although I've had a few high school type issues with some ladies there. I moved on from them and feel much more at peace.

You sound really nice and I think people just get busy so it's most likely not you - just everyone is busy.