Friends That Are Bad Influences

G., I have been out of the kid sceene for about 15 years - I understand where you are at - I don't know what is unexceptable with (knives, guns and swords)?? If you are meaning bang- bang - shut em up - pretending to shoot and the other kid falls to the ground dead...I wouldn't think that most girls would want to play those kinds of games very long. It may be exciting right now - but it will probably wear off. Does she like dolls? - maybe get her a new doll to help draw her attention away from them...just a thought...is there something or someone she can help - kids really want to be a big help to other people. Maybe she could help a 2 yr old tie his shoes or somehting like that...just a thought.

As a pre-school Day care giver, you are in a position to maybe talk to the parents and offer solutions for changing their son's behavior. By the sounds of it - this poor behavior is all the time. Finding out the cause is not easy and the parents have to be committed. Do they know what is causing this unexceptable behavior? I would ask if they have been tested for Learning Disabilities, hyperactivity? Have they explored food allergies? Do they use chemical cleaners in their home? These can be a direct cause for behavior problems and learning disabilities.

I found out how chemical cleaners can affect behavior when my son was dealing with ADHD - so we switched to 'green' cleaners. I actually have some pretty amazing research on toxic chemicals and behavior changes and would be most happy to share more with you. You can go online to this website www.theglobalsuccessteam.net - Click Here to Enter Site...and view the video called "The Toxic Brew" If you don't like what you see here - Watch the 'Healthy Home Plan'.

This is a site you could maybe share with the Parents of these children. I am a Health and Wellness Adviser - if you/they want more information - PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CALL ME

S. ###-###-####

Okay this may sound a little harsh on the daycare but if children are playing inappropriately while there, the teachers need to address that and then your daughter will see that is not acceptable behavior. It is a lot to put on a child of her age and it is up to the adults around to correct these boys. Obviously the parents need help in that arena too...tell them to log on here! The children are probably at daycare a lot more than they are at home, so it will have a huge impact on their behavior there if the teachers correcting such behavior. Now, what may be inappropriate to you may not be to someone else. For instance, my son plays "cops and robbers" or has the buzz lightyear laser gun and plays swords too but he is the most social, and well behaved child. We get so many compliments about his behavior so just bechase boys OR GIRLS play that does not make them bad (in my opinion). BUT, it is up to the parents to teaach them about play and when it is appropriate and when it is not. My son has friends that do not like to play like that and he is respectful of that and doesn't engage in that type of behavior with them. So, there is a line that can be drawn but it starts at home and than reinforced at daycare.

What is wrong with those games? As long as they aren't hurting each other. It is good practice if they want to be cops or soldiers when they grow up. I would encourage that if they want to play a weapons game, make sure to teach them "good guys" and "bad guys" ...American soldiers are good guys, Cops are good guys, Knights are good guys, ... and teach them that if they play the bad guy they should lose, and the good guys win.

This may not be what you want to hear, but your daughter is going to be influenced by other children and people her entire life, you can either protect her and shield her or teach her how to deal with it.

By all means, talk to the teacher and if you aren't getting the answers to meet your needs then evaluate your other options. These are great opportunities for your daughter to learn about conflict resolution and your family's values. The sooner that is learned the easier her life will be.

I have also found in my experience, rather than directing my son away from the kids who bring out the worst in him, to direct him toward the children he plays well with. I ask him every day who he played with, what they played, and if they had any problems. By doing that I don't taint his mind against others or make the other out to be the "bad" ones. If there were problems we talk about what he needs to do in the situation.

It is amazing that they are all kids with great attributes, but sometimes different combinations of kids bring out the worst in each other. It is necessary to find the right combinations and those who bring out the best in each other.

Good luck!

I am a parent of a unruelly child, i think the administaor should talk with the parents maybe there is somthing going on that they are not aware of such as maybe these boys are adhd or even bi polar as is the case with my son, somtimes parents are scared to let others know that their child has a illness but by being honest it will better educate teachers daycare workers ect how to discipline or handle the children. i have always told the parents of the children that play with my son if you ever see him do say or play somthing you feel is inappropriate please tell me. maybe talking to the parents will help, untill then do your best to let your daughter know you do not want her playing those types of games.

I just want to point out the little boys and little girls are different and they will play differently. I have two boys and I incorage them to play guns and knives and shoot em up with in reason. I know that this sounds totally against what most people now days think but I would encorage all parents whether they ahve boys or girls to watch the video "Raising Cane" I think you can get it at the library. It shows the differences in how boys and girls think and play. You will be amazed. And it might help you when it comes to thinking that these boys are bad.

You know, the Lord says to love even those we don't like, and it seems like your daughter is trying to do just that. I commend you on raising her that way. My daughters have learned that hate is a very evil word, especially when it comes to people and that we are not to hate anyone, but to love everyone, because they are God's children also.

When your daughter comes home and starts to play the "cops and robber" or "pirate" type games you can let her get them out of her system or you can explain to her that you would rather her not play those types of games at home. And when she does say that "so and so" plays them them you can explain to her that you don't like or appreciate those kinds of games being played at your home and explain to her why. She sounds like a very smart little girl and would probably understand why you feel that way.

You can let her know that you don't mind her playing with those boys but when they start to play games like that you'd rather her play with someone else that day or ask her to ask them to play something else with her instead. She should still be allowed to play with them (just don't have them over for a play date or birthday party, that IS in your control) and she'll only be with them a few years more, if that, before she starts kindergarten.

Hi G.,

I think rather than telling her she can't play with these boys that you should instead tell her that You feel this behavior is unacceptable and you feel it is inappropriate for her to be playing these type of things. And that just because so and so plays it doesn't mean it is acceptable and that you like it. I think that you need to lean more towards showing her the way that you feel she should act and that these are not nice ways to play. Let her know that if they are playing a way that she thinks that you wouldn't apporive of to go play somewhere else or with someone else. I think she should be able to play with whoever because some kids have behaviors that all people don't approve of but she can't not play with anybody.

My son is 4 yrs. old I don't like him to play with toy gun's a sword is fine but he act's like he's a ninja not around his sister I tell him it can hit her on accident.He is just now realizing that gun's can be used as a weapon to hurt someone because I told him,he asked why can't I play with toy gun's,so I simply explained to him and left it at that. He understood kid's this age don't know what is real or fake they see violence on tv they simply don't know.(When they are doing this at school redirect them to another activity,you don't have to explain the behavior everytime unless it as uncontrollable they will be distracted enough to go on the the next activity)But I do see where you don't want your daughter to make belive play with toy gun's or reenactment with these boy's or at home.I'd sit down and simply tell her she's smarter than what we realize kid's are at this age she know's what they are for and tell her that it is unacceptable behavior.For the boy's at daycare I'd talk to the one who is in charge that they can't be doing this in school there has to be some sort of rule on this heck it is in all other school's and in public see the signs no gun's allowed when you walk into a public place. She'll be fine and for the boy's at daycare if you have to do a conference with the mom's and explain to them that,this type of play isn't allowed and talk to them at home whrn they are doing this type of play it may be ok in their homes but not in daycare wher other's can accidently hurt.

I agree...don't tell her NOT to play with them. She will be faced with these issues her entire life. Teach her it is ok to like them, be nice to them, and play with them but when they play in unacceptable ways to walk away. Better now at her age with just gun play then at 12 with the real thing, or drugs and alchol.....great time to teach her to say NO.

Hi. I would respectfully disagree with moms who say don't tell your daughter to avoid these kids. I think about myself, as an adult, and if there's someone I don't care for and I have others to be with, I do avoid people I don't like. It is a life skill to choose who to spend your time with. I can only assume there are plenty of kids there and she probably has lots of kids to play with besides those boys. Of course if she is placed in a group with those kids, she can choose to mind her manners and make choices about how to behave. Speaking of which...

This is a perfect time to teach your daughter about good choices and bad choices. You can tell her that these boys are not bad kids, but they make bad choices (and remind her that sometimes she makes bad choices too but that doesn't make her a bad girl). Talk to her about what you feel are good and bad choices, ask her, "How do you feel about yourself when you makes a good choice? How about when you make a bad choice?" You can direct her in ways to make choices about who to play with, what games to play, etc. Tell her that you will be SO proud of her when she makes a good choice, and if she makes a bad choice, it will not change how much you love her but you will be very disappointed in her choice.

Finally, yes I agree that boys and girls play differently. I didn't understand this until I had my son (after my daughter). Both boys and girls have unique qualities and I think modern society tries to teach everyone to act exactly the same, but we're not the same. We're all wired differently. Girls naturally want to be nurturers (playing dolly's and house and school) and boys naturally are more adventuresome (playing cowboys or ninjas or riding their skateboards off a ramp). So if those boys play too rough, I think it's okay for you to tell your daughter to play with someone else but try to realize that they may just be "being boys". (However they also need to be respectful of your daughter.) it's a balance... I don't know exactly how gentle/rough they are with your daughter.

Hope that helps!

I think you might want to have a discussion with the administrators (I know this might be tough since you work there) BUT my kids have never gone to a preschool where violent play-- with weapons of any kind (even pointing a finger like a gun) was allowed.

If your daughter is picking up inaapropriate play of that nature I think the teachers aren't watching them closely enough during free play.

The teachers should be able to manage these things - as well as kids who are allowed to do things at home that aren't allowed at school. My dd went to preschool with a set of triplets who did a LOT of rough and tumble play --- stuff that was okay at home but NOT at school. And whenever they got unruly- they were reminded of the rules at school. I always liked that the teachers were trying to help the children understand that in different settings you can behave differently.

I think you can also try talking with her about what your 'values' are --- that yes those boys may do those things and think they are fun but you don't approve of that behavior.

I would try and stick with focusing on the behavior and not 'those boys' (even though you know it is their influence)

You will run into this a lot - esp. if you have your kids in public schools. My dd's kindergarten class had similar problems - with the teacher explaining to me that they behave that way 'b/c they don't have siblings, didn't go to preschool' etc. (Although I don't believe you have to do those things in order to learn to behave in a respectful manner.)

Sounds to me the daycare administrater might need to have a councling session with the parents of these boys and give them some advice on how to control them at home. For now the only thing I can think of for you to do is to conitnue to explian things as best you can to your child on why the things she learns from these boys are wrong and that it makes you sad when she plays like that tell her why you don't want her to play that way. When she says "but so and so plays that way" just calmly explain to her that you know they do and that you don't like for them to play that way either. Ask her to show them she knows how to be a good girl and not play like that and maybe they will learn how to play nice by watching her play nice, tell her this would make you so happy! If these boys are in your care talk nicely and calmly to them explianing to them how thier way of playing and acting makes you sad and how they can change the way they are doing things to make you happy. And always be concistant when you have to punish them with time out. If they are not in your group then have a talk with who ever is over them. Best of luck!

enlist the help of her teachers. Ask them to redirect either your daughter or the boys to a more acceptable activity. By relying on the teacher, you take the responsibility out of the children's hands & put it back into the teacher's. & while most children play these games, why isn't the daycare monitoring & redirecting the level of play into more gentle themes? Good ? to ask!!
I have spent the last 20+ years with children, & currently provide childcare in my home. When activities like this come up, I simply say, "okey, dokey, I know you play this at home...but we need to choose something else to play! How about...".....& then I offer a choice to the children. It works almost everytime, & often my phrasing is repeated at home (& all of the girls have older siblings!)

I actually had this issue with my daughter when she was 4. There was a girl in her class in pre-school that had some pretty major issues at home with parents divorcing and used her a lot to do battle with each other. Understandably, this child realized early on she could do almost anything and got a ton of attention from both sides. So, when my daughter talked to me, she was conflicted. Saying she liked this girl, she was her friend, but she always got into trouble. We discussed that it is fine and perfect to love others, and to have them as friends. However, it is also important to realize that there are certain people that have issues at home or whatever, like this girl did, and they do act differently. This doesn't make them bad, however it is also very important to keep yourself safe and out of trouble. I let her know I wasn't saying to not play with her. But when playing, it was important to surround herself with people that will keep her safe by making appropriate decisions. For her to love herself that was a VERY important thing. Of course, this was in 4 year old language, but she got it. Others don't have to be bad, but if she understands that these games will get her into trouble, and she has to make her own decisions as to play these games and get into trouble, or sit out of the games and play with them when they make better decisions. You might be amazed at how much she will understand! Good luck!