Friends Daughter Seems Delayed in Her Speech

Read two books by Thomas Sowell
Late Talking Children
and the Einstein Syndrome.

perhaps you could suggest that they have the child's hearing tested, but
for the rest let time pass.....

I didn't say a word until I was almost 3.
There is so much early intervention now, it's sad that nothing is being done.

No, its not ok to address it. Her daughter is fine, leave her alone. I have read so many questions today about people wanting to tell other people how to parent. If there was something your friend was concerned about your child or your parenting, would you want them to tell you how to parent? Some people just arent as verbal as others.
My daughter was very advanced in speaking, but I dont feel like it gave me the right to tell someone their kid isnt right. And if the kid is shy, she probably talks more when you arent around.

I wish you'd been my girlfriend!! Everybody in my circle acted like I was just a 'new parent' who was overreacting. My friends/family weren't at all supportive and some were just really jerks about it. Turns out my son, who wasn't talking at that age either, DID have a problem. I worked with early intervention and found out that he had some pretty serious ear problems. Our old ped kept dismissing my concerns saying that I just "needed to work with him more and he's not deaf because he turns and looks if you speak loudly." He could 'hear' like some blind people can make out shapes or discern dark from light. His entire world sounded like charlie browns teacher. When we finally got to a good ENT doc he said that my son had probably been dealing with serious pain issues as well. My family/friends basically thought I was just allowing him to be a brat....he wasn't being a brat he was in pain! He's now up to speed, maybe even too speedy but had I not been unwilling to give up on helping my son he would be deaf by now. It's not a 'flaw' to have a child who isn't perfect and it's a lonely place when you have that feeling that something is wrong but are afraid to talk about it because it might be true. There are a couple of things I learned from working with the speech therapist. The first thing she asked me was if he cries during diaper change or in bed. If there are inner ear issues going on when you lay on the floor it increases the pressure in the ear. Another thing was did he eat foods that were chewy or chewed on toys. I thought I was lucky because my kid didn't put things in his mouth. WRONG! He didn't chew because it hurt! The other thing was does he like music. He liked tv but not music. I just thought he was junked out on mickey mouse. WRONG! He liked the tv because he could see it and that was a sense that worked for him. Radio in the car was like throwing a boom box to the bottom of the pool or those stupid kids who pull up next to you with their radio so loud your teeth vibrate! Your friend may be right and she's just shy but it sounds to me like she's using that to excuse behavior that should be of concern.
WOW that was a long answer. I am very 'passionate' about not ignoring symptoms. Not catching my son's problem fast enough has resulted in some very serious food/eating issues. If you are genuine with her and say exactly how you feel so she sees it as concern and not being critical she will think about what you're saying. If she's dismissive of it then back off. You've planted the seed and she'll start to really consider what you said. That may be all she needs. Oh, and don't compare her kid to ANYBODY.......that's just ammo for her to use to dismiss it. Good luck to you and I do hope your girlfriend is able to hear you out and feel support from you.

For all you know, they do know, their child is delayed in various aspects.

My Son, was delayed in speech. He had speech therapy. Just because he was delayed in speech, does not mean he was a "dummy." But even complete strangers, would talk to him, like he was a deaf/dumb/mute. My friends however, KNEW how smart and bright he was. He was actually assessed for being ADVANCED in several Developmental areas, for his age. He was just, delayed in speech.
Einstein... did not even talk until he was 3 years old. And he is a Genius.

The 'speed' at which a child talks... has NOTHING to do, with "Intelligence."

On the other hand... I babysat a child once, that was developmentally delayed. (I, as the caregiver, did mention it to the Parents). Everyone could see it as well, and the other parents. Even my own Daughter would ask what was wrong with her. The child's parents knew too. However, her parents "chose" not to address it, nor with the Pediatrician. AND, her Mom... (a very highly educated woman), would actually not really interact with her nor talk to her much either... because, I knew that she thought her Daughter was "dumb." I actually heard her say once (about the other kids I cared for) "they are very bright..." and I would observe her keenly observing OTHER kids... and how they acted/talked/behaved.... Compared to... her own Daughter. The Mom, was acutely aware, that her own daughter was delayed. But she couldn't admit it. Her eyes... would flit, from the other kids and then back to her own child. Back and forth. And I KNEW, she was observing her own kid... not being on par with the others.

So, before you assume something... be very careful, about addressing it. If you do decide to do that. And do not assume... that all children are the same.
There are also, gender differences in development. Many reasons.

Unless your friend says anything.... it would be a very very touchy topic, to bring up. Un-welcomed, most probably.

It is weird, that they did not even tell their Daughter it was her Birthday or that it was her party.
BUT ...DO you know, for a FACT, that the parents did not tell her???

I would not judge. And I would not assume, things about their Daughter or their parenting.

Anyway, there are many reasons... for developmental delays or speech delays.

For all you know... her parents DO know. And they do know, and have known and have talked to their Pediatrician about it.
But that is a private matter.

My son is almost 2, and he is speech delayed. I was very proactive with the ped when he was 15 months. She said it was too early and to ask her again at 18 months. So I did. She said, ok, yes he is a bit delayed. She ruled out anything physically wrong except hearing and scheduled hiim for a hearing test. (which he passed) She said we could seek services now but that many parents choose to wait until 2 or 2 1/2. I did want to wait. The speech therapist did an evaluation and said he was definitely delayed, but there's nothing really to do at this point except keep working with him at home and reevaluate at 2 years. We will see her again in 2 weeks.

At 2 years 9 months, many parents are just now thinking about services. Also, you can seek services without anyone knowing.

Here's a thought. Do you see them often? Can you talk to the girl? Can you ask her some questions and encourage her? Even just showing her some attention might spark an interest in her or in her mom or help her to gradually feel more comfortable around you and gravitate towards you.

Also, if you really want to approach mom about this, begin with things like, "I noticed she's really getting better at saying drink when she asks for her sippy," or "She noticed the baby over there. Can you say, 'baby?'" Anything positive and encouraging, rather than, "Your daughter can't speak. What's wrong with her?" Unfortuately, that's all she might here if you take that approach.

Tough situation. Good luck!

Is her daughter advanced in other areas like motor skills? Sometimes kids develop unevenly, (when my son was tested at age 24 months his gross motor skills advanced, speech delayed) You could find things to compliment about her daughter, is she kind and empathetic (unusual at that age) does she color with crayons? play well with others? try to dress herself? climb well? It would really help conversations if you could find things to admire in this child You're a good friend to be so concerned, I dont think you should ignore it but you have to be diplomatic Is it possible the little girl is shy around you and is talking more at home? this happens a lot.
Maybe you could ask that question, If you ask child a question and she doesn't answer, look straight at the mom and say "how much does she talk at home?" Just make it a question, no judgment and if the mom insists she talks at home -you have to believe her.
Dont give your opinion unless asked. and Dont compare her to your child because children are different. some will talk like little adults at this age others will just put two words together ("Mommy bye bye" or "Me cookie") as long as she is doing that she's OK
Dont try to tell them how to parent but you can enthusiasticly share what you're doing (even though your daughter doesn't need help with language I'm sure you are developing her language in many ways) Say "It's so cute the way my DD uses the words from the Winnie the Pooh books she loves, I always say belly but Pooh says tummy so that's what she says" Or the next time you get together slip in something like "my daughter loves singing The More we get Together and now she uses the word happier, isnt that funny!" Another day You can say I just read a great article about how sign language helps kids to expand their vocabulary, I think I'm going to try that with DD" (this really helped my language delayed son have a few words memorized (please, thanks more) Maybe when she sees that you are thinking about expanding your daughter's language skills despite the fact that your daughter is not delayed, it will prompt her thinking. Do Not tell her what she is doing wrong but again you could occasionaly ask a question, trying to sound curious not judgmental. "why did you answer for her?" "why did you give her the toy when she pointed and didnt even attempt to say please?" If this upsets Mom -stop!
If she attempts to defend her actions you could engage in a conversation, listening to her side and being sympathetic, saying things like "Oh ... You think it's putting too much pressure on her?" "OH, I see, you feel she cant say the word please or even approximate it" Just echo her unless she asks you a question.
If she never asks you what you think, then she probably knows and is in denial. Eventually if the child doesn't improve it will become more and more evident. and eventually a pediatrician or teacher will force mom to notice and act.

Think about what you just wrote, put yourself in the mother's position and answer your question for yourself. Would YOU REALLY like to be told that your daughter is ''delayed''. Even though you say you would like to be told, I really don't think you would. I don't think there is no way of ''tactfully'' adressing it. Any way will come off as rude, and the mom will think it's none of your business.

My little girl had a problem I was clueless about. One day I was asked, "What did the doctor say about her xyzyx?" I was dumbfounded. I didn't know anything about "xyxyx." It was so obvious once it was pointed out to me. I was so GRATEFUL someone pointed it out, gave me a name for it and thus helped ease a situation.

So, maybe it depends on you, the other person, and the problem. It is obvious that you are critical of your friend's parenting. That will probably come across even if you try to hide it, and that is a bad thing. In the case of my daughter's "xyzyx" there was no parenting issue involved and no criticism.

IF you say anything, it is so important you get your own feeling straight first, and focus on the child - not the parenting. I agree with MomofA&bigD. I appreciate being told something of true importance, but nobody likes negative criticism (as opposed to constructive or factual comments).

I wouldn't say anything. My child doesn't talk as well as other children, the doctors say he is fine and kids develop at their own pace. It really hurts and upsets me to keep having friends and family bring up how behind others he is in his speech. It has destroyed some friendships and closeness with family because it hurts to know that they view my child in a different way and compare him to their own children. Before friends/ family pointed out that he was behind others, I already knew and didn't need to be told by others.

Ok, I had the same situation happen with my very best friend. However, I felt comfortable enough to mention it to her but I only did it once. I said you know, I think he could use some speech therapy and that the state will provide it thru early intervention. Has your dr said, he needs it? Afterwards, I never mentioned it again. He's in preK now and apparently the issue of a speech therapist has come up.

I don't get the impression you are trying to tell her how to parent, I think u just want the child to get the help she needs. I think that since the little girl can't express what she needs someone should do it for her.

I recommend you open your statement to your friend with, you know I love you and your daughter and I am just so concerned that she isn't speaking. Have you asked the dr about? What do they say? Bc I really think she could benefit from some from a speech therapist. (especially if she is going to start prek this fall.) Then leave it up to your friend. I wouldn't mention again though after that unless she brings it up.

We talked to our children a lot. And the great grandmother talked their ears of non-stop. As a result our kids spoke early, used unusually large words and carried on conversations at a very early age. Sounds like you and your child are on this path.
But not all families are. If they aren't conversing with her, it will slow her down. It doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong.
My mother had a friend when I was a child who insisted I had a speech problem. It angered my mom. I didn't speak clearly because I had an older brother who spoke for me. He was the only one who understood or knew what I wanted so he translated. I didn't speak clearly until I was about 5 in kindergarten and couldn't take my brother to school with me!! LOL
If she isn't showing any delays in other areas, I would back off. She's still young.

My pediatrition noticed some articulation issues in my son after I mentioned he talked a lot but we were both getting frustrated with my lack of understanding what he was saying. In Southern California there is a place called the Regional Center that will assess kids under 3 and, at age 3 they have speech therapy/special needs available through the public schools until kindergarten where they are in regular classes and just pulled aside abit for special help, all these programs are free and my pediatrician asked what school district we were in and told me who to call. My son started at 3 and went 2 xs a week (it is more or less depending on the kids) there were more boys than girls in the speech classes and he was with other kids with similar issues. They will also do early assessment for any other underlying issues, ocd,add,adhd, autism spectrum etc. and can get a parent in touch with the right type of specialist for further assessment if needed. My son was in 2 years and had huge benefits from the program before he graduated. Google speech therapy and then type in your school district and tell her you met someone (me) who had ..... and just tell her about the program and that it was free and just be informative you don't need to tell her that you think her daughter needs this that might make her shut down and be defensive but maybe it will trigger something in her and atleast she will know where to look if she is willing to even acknowledge there is a problem. I do think they grow out of a lot of it as they get older but the program was awsome for us. Just noticed you are from San Marcos too. Regional Center is on SM BLVD and Rebecca Sloan heads the department for San Marcos Schools at Carillo. Hope this helps Rebecca is awesome.

I didn't speak at all until I was 3. I went on to study speech, debate and theater in school, and win awards at speech contests. My oldest child said very little, and what she said was extremely repetetive, until she was about 4, because she's a total perfectionist and didn't say anything until she was sure it would come out sounding "right," not like baby talk.

That said, I'm sure it's not a developmental delay going on here, but the fact that, as you pointed out, nobody really talks to this girl. I'm guessing her parents are of the opinion that she's "too little" to understand or respond. She doesn't try, because it's not expected of her. Most parents spend time playing "What does a cow say?" kinds of games with their kids, and the kids are delighted to be able to 1. know the answer and 2. communicate it to the parents. If that dynamic doesn't happen, the speech patterns will be very different.

When my kids were so tiny that they could do little more than babble, I'd react with exaggerated interest to an interesting story - "Is that so? Well! I'm glad you told me! Who would have thought?" Some adults I know do the opposite and, quite playfully and in fun, say things like, "You're telling tales again. I think you're lying," or, "You don't know what you're talking about." Maybe I'm overthinking trhings, but that makes me crazy because kids can understand what people are saying long before they can respond.

Instead of approaching your friend, just try to interact with her daughter. Hold out two toys or snacks, ask, "Which one would you like?" and encourage her to choose one. (She may be reluctant or baffled at first, if no one ever actually gives her choices.) Name things for her - "What a pretty dress," or, "You like Elmo too!" while touching the object you're talking about. Name actions, too - "Watch this ball roll." See if she'll mimic "words" like "whee" or "uh oh" if you say them to her repeatedly and at appropriate times.

She may always be quiet, and there's nothing wrong with that, but eventually her speech skills should catch up; but, it might take until she's school age, if her parents don't spend much time talking to her.

my dad addressed this with me on my oldest and said he should be talking more than he is. he was right. he had fluid on his ears. now with my youngest I knew things werent right been there done that and he also had fluid. he is sevely speech delayed I knew he was delayed but I had no "normal" 2 yr old so I didnt realize how bad till I started seeing other 2 yr olds talking full sentences. now I dont need to be told about my youngest we are working on his ears and with eci.

I honestly with my first wouldnt have listened to anyone other than dad. now with my second I was aware of the speech problem but not how serious it was. it may have been I didnt want to accept how serious it was. I dont know. but I would approach it like this it may have worked with me. her speech seems a little delayed and she may have ear problems and for her developmental I would get her checked by a doctor or eci. eci is free depending on your income. approach it as you wouldnt want her to start school late for your not knowing something was wrong. even with my youngest i knew he was slow but didnt want to admit he was as bad off as he was. or didnt know it was that bad or both not sure which. I watched my youngest alot closer cause I had been there done that and deafness runs in his dads family I tried to intervene as early as possible but my intervention didnt work like i was hoping it would. I guess I was hoping if i intervened early enough I wouldnt have to do what I did with my oldest and my youngest is worse and has been diagnosed hard of hearing. tell her that fluid in the ear is invisible to everyone but an ent or audiologist. and it will leave scar tissue that can make her have some hearing loss. even with what i thought was early intervention I still think my youngest is going to have scar tissue which may make him hard of hearing even after the ears are treated and he may need more than most babies would. my oldest was shy and still is. i dont know if it had to do with he didnt develop right cause of his ears or it was a personality trait. i dont know that kids did or did not make fun of him cause he couldnt talk right. now my youngest is the most outgowing child you will ever meet. and they cant keep answering for her or she will never come out of her shyness or show she has problems with her ears if they dont let her interact with other people. I know your well intentioned and you only want to help the kid but be very careful about your wording you dont want it to sound to the parents that they are not doing their job right. people who are well meaning can come off this way sometimes. even with my son who is hard of hearing I can hold out and make him sign pec or talk before he gets somethings. the words come out wrong but he gets rewarded with his attempt to say the word by getting what he asks for and praise for saying the word and I say it back to him at least 3 times to reinforce he needs to say it and when he repeats again we cheer for him he loves that. we will also play games with him that if he says a new word we say it back and forth to each other for 30 min to help him learn he can communicate. and mom will respond to me. good luck and think about how your wording is going to be so you dont make them feel like bad parents. tis not that they are being bad parents its they dont know. give her praises for what she is doing right before a negative so she doesnt feel attacked for being a bad parent.

ps after reading the other responses I would if possible to volunteer to babysit for free to get the girl away from mom to see wht is actually going on with mom not around can you force her into talking does she babble trying to say the word but it doesnt come out right? or does she throw a fit when she doesnt get her way like a fit of fustration as opposed to a regular fit. my youngest does this and he pulls you by the fingers for something he wants. if you dont understand him he either lays down in protest or has a fit cause he cant communicate. or he will bring you a tippy or a can of food if he is hungry. he has another form of communication since he has a hearing loss. if she has ear problems she will find another way to communicate ex bring you a can of milnot to tell you she is hungry. or bring you the loaf of bread. or point to the milk or take you to the door to go outside and have a fit when you say no. this is how mine communicates.

My son was speech delayed and did not speak until he was past 3, but he had been seeing a speech therapist from the time he was 12 months old. We began by getting him to sign first. If I ever have another child I will teach it to sign too, b/c it's amazing how quickly a child picks up on signing before speaking! My son had some feeding issues and has been on a feeding tube from the time he was 9 months old. Long story short, food is something most kids want and is the first thing that they will begin to request, so this affected in some ways his speech since he did not care to request any food/drink. That would be a good starting point to "decide" if she has a speech problem. Not so much answering questions, but how does she speak when she is seeking a need such as food?

Along w/that I am going into a career in Special education and I believe if there is any problems that Early Intervention is the key to success. In fact, it wasn't until 1990 that Early Intervention was mandated and I can not even imagine where my son would be w/out Early Intervention. I had a friend who had a child who clearly had a speech problem and she wouldn't admit it. He is 6 and I still can not understand him and she will not approve the school for Sped services (w/out parent consent the school can't do anything). I have tried to talk her into letting them HELP, but it falls on deaf ears. I think you being more of a concerned friend than anything, so if you do talk to her be very gentle and careful of how you go about it. As a mother of a special needs child there is a mourning period to accepting that things are different. I am glad that I have embraced our differences and really nobody is "normal"! I always figure if there is a problem it's better to do something and be proactive rather than reactive! Good luck and your friend is lucky to have a friend who cares!

I know you care but you are making a lot of assumptions. First, not all kids can say please and thank you before they are two. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong. How do you know they don't talk to her? If her mom fills in the question for her daughter, that is saying to me that she knows the kid can't answer and she doesn't want to be embarrassed. BUT... Yes, it does sound that the child has a speech delay though. As her friend, I don't see any harm about mentioning something about her speech like "has her school mentioned anything about her speech" or something like that. Know that they may be getting her help and just not telling you. If they are not, mentioning something in a helpful way could nudge things along.

That would be so hard to address. I'm trying to be as nice as possible but they seem kind of negligent... like they don't tell her it's her birthday or talk to her. It just seems like they see her as an inferior, like they don't have to explain things to this child. I know it's a big assumption since I haven't seen the interaction myself. Are there any other things they do when they are around their daughter, like a detachment? Is there a way for you to help her yourself during play dates? They don't seem to care to teach her to talk, the way I took it anyways (because your friend just played it off as her being shy).

Is there a way to ask the little girl a question yourself and if the mom answers it be like not to be rude but I want your little girl to answer it herself. I have never heard her talk. The she answers for her you mentioned I have read in a book that it delays their ability to speak or wanting to speak because they have a rep who will talk for them.

I do agree with others that it is probably normal, I think my brother talked at about 4ish... he has some mental deficiencies but not anything serious at all (you wouldn't know from talking to him, you'd just think he's a little eccentric). My opinion was to bring it up if you witness any sort of detachment towards them and the little girl, that is what worries me. Is that she speaks for her and they don't explain things to her.

Because you are full of comparisions between your daughter and your friends, I would not say anything. There may well be a speech delay here, but you are too critical of their parenting and that will come across to this mother.

I have had three kids, one with a severe speech delay, but none of them said thank you or please before two. I hardly think this is a common. My 11 year old and seven year old are above grade level and it is the 7 year old that suffered from a speech delay and hours and hours of therapy. When they were finally able to test his vocabulary at four, the therapist found it in the advance range.

Do you have a mutual friend that could intervene for you? If your friend's daughter is delayed she can get a free evaluation and services before she is three through the state. After three, the free services are through the school district and not as wonderful.

By the way, your daughter sounds quite advanced for her age.

Lots of kids develop at different rates...stay out of it. It's not your place...

-M