Friends... - Roselle,IL

I have been there too and it really does stink. I eventually came to the conclusion that I have a lot to offer in a friendship and that is something of value. If the people around me don't want it or they make me feel bad about me, then it is not worth my time to be around them. I slowly withdrew myself from these toxic "friendships" and focused my energy on more fruitful relationships, even if that meant I was just with my family. Also, friendships are like dating...some work and some don't. We are all different people and that is what makes the world go around.

I know you already posted the "so what happened" but I had to comment on this too...this exact thing happened to me too. It really is a little infuriating how exclusionary people are. We also focused on becoming friends with others. Our situation involves kids and mothers who live on our street and around the corner from us...so it's in our face all the time.

It's not easy, but we really did focus on making friends with others...especially since the kids of all these people leave my dd out now too.

Sometimes these "lovy dovy" friendships blow up and they all become enemies. I've found it's best just to be polite and not get too close, especially when there's kids involved. Keep a wide circle of friends, then all of this drama doesn't seem so important.

I am sorry that you are feeling excluded. Does your husband know the other husbands? It kind of sounds like he doesn't. Maybe that's the ticket.

Host a little get-together with the two families so your husband can get to know the other husbands and then see if that changes things. If not, there's not much else you can do. I agree that if you say something, you will make everyone uncomfortable for the foreseeable future.

I do want to say that just because you are not included with the other parents, that doesn't have to affect your child's friendship with one of the girls, especially the one she will be going to school with next year. Even if they don't see each other over the summer, they will rekindle the friendship in the fall as long as you don't say anything to/in front of your daughter about the situation between the parents.

Again, sorry you are feeling bad. Cheer up - you have a wealth of mamapedia friends!

Oh My! I'm reading this and you could be me! My situation was very similar to yours and here it is in a nut shell (I hope!) - if you search through my questions, I think I posted something similar... Myself and another mom are neighbors and have girls the same age (in K now). When we moved in I introduced myself to her 2x, gave her my numbers, she promised to call - nothing came from it. I ran into her again, she said I've been meaning to call - we have to get together (she didn't give me her number tho). Fast forward a couple years and our daughters are in the same K class. Now we see each other walking the girls to school and we start to talk, getting along pretty well. Then another mom moves into our little block and she and the other mom seem to click right away, and I'm clearly left out. Although, it's a bit different in that I never had a real connection in the first place - plus I'm funny when I meet new people - don't know why that is yet....

So they click and I'm feeling like you are feeling now, even the party thing (I got an "oh and you can come to" - because I was standing there - gee thanks). So I post on here and the best advise I got was to get off my block and start making new friends for my daughter and myself. So that's what I did. I asked my daughter who she liked to play with in school and we started inviting them over to play. She met a great girl who has become her BFF and I get along great with her mom.

Turns out my daugher doesn't get along well with the neighbor girl anyway (she's too bossy and pushy) so WE'VE had to distance ourselves from them. And as my daughter has made more friends, all of a sudden our friendship is more desirable....

I'd say, don't talk to them about it. I could not find a way in my head to talk to my "friends" about this without sounding desperate or paranoid or some other undesirable thing - 3 is just a funny number when it comes to women and friendships...

When you run into the other mom at the new school be polite, say hi, chat if it happens naturally, but focus your energy on other kids for your daughter to be friends with - don't be afraid to call moms you don't know and invite their kids (and them) over to play if your daughter shows interest. Rest assured, your daughter will make other friends, as will you.

I can understand your hurt feelings and worries. But at least try not to take it personally. It could simply be that they just "clicked" a lot more than with you. Maybe their husband's "clicked" a lot better. Maybe they have other interests that they are passionate about that you don't share. Maybe they "feel" like better matches--same line of work, same family histories, similar theology (if any of you are religious), etc.
It could be a whole bunch of totally innocent stuff that has nothing to do with them "excluding" you, and only to do with them "naturally" bonding with each other.

But don't jump to the conclusion that your daughter will lose her friends b/c you aren't buddy buddy with the other moms. One thing you will begin to find very soon, is that kids make their own friends, regardless of whom us parents want to hang out with. If the other girls enjoy your daughter's company and friendship, then they will ask to include her when it is appropriate to do so, and they will play with her at school, etc. If they prefer each other's company over your daughter's all the time, then are they really the girls you want your daughter to look to as her best friends?

I wouldn't say anything. I would let it go. Sometimes even "fast friends" like these may have become don't last.. so I wouldn't get all jealous too soon. Just look around and see if there aren't some other ladies/families that might mesh with yours and see what happens. Eventually, the girls will be grown and gone, and wouldn't you like to spend your time with YOUR friends, and not friends of other parents that are only so-so acquaintances or whatever?
It can be tricky navigating the parental friendship arena. It would be AWESOME to have mom/dad's best friends be the parents of your kids' best friends, right? But that doesn't happen too much. So try not to think of it as losing out on something everyone else has... because they don't!

I am not best friends with ANY of my kids' best friends parents. They just don't "mesh" with me/hubby. They aren't bad people. They aren't unkind. They aren't "anything" except just not folks I would hang with if the kids weren't around. Ya know? The ones we ARE best friends with, don't have kids our kids' ages. Their kids are grown.

You'll feel better about this when you find another family who complements your style and you theirs.

I think a lot could be going on. The husbands get along better with each other than with your husband? One of the wives is very social and instigates things while maybe you're busier/not as accessible/don't invite them either? And sometimes it's more effort to plan something around 3 schedules. If you knew them first, it also could be they're just trying to solidify a friendship on their own. Do you invite them over? It may have happened than an impromptu dinner came up and then the one who didn't host felt she should reciprocate while you haven't had them over anyway and she figured she'd keep in simple. So unless they start to actually snub you, I'd act normal and definitely invite them over for dinner w/ the families vs wait for their invitation. Maybe you will have to put forth more of the effort at first but at least give it a chance if you like them. If you suggest or invite a couple of times and nothing changes, then bummer but I guess you'll have to write the parents off as good friends.

I DO understand your feelings, but please don't take it personally. Friends change, and they will continue to change throughout elementary, middle and high school.
There are SO many reasons. Sometimes the kids just get tired of each other and the parents don't want to say anything, to avoid hurt feelings, so they just move on and hope you take the hint (I've been on both sides of this.)
My kids are now 19, 16 and 13. I learned LONG ago to focus on my OWN friendships, because the relationships I build with my kids' friends' familes are fleeting. My husband and I had bonds with a few couples, people will hung out with all the time, our kids were practically cousins, we even TRAVELED with them, and for whatever reason, we all grew apart. It was by far more painful for me in the long run than it was for my kids. I'm the one looking back on the photos asking, what happened? My kids moved on YEARS ago.
I hope this makes you feel better, not worse! I'm just saying you're not alone and there's nothing wrong with you. Keep your chin up, smile and move on :)

I would feel exactly the same way as you-my feeling would be very hurt over this. Most people's would. The only thing I can think of is the husbands...for some reason do the other husbands not like yours? Or the other women for that matter? If one part of a couple is just not compatible with the group for whatever reason that couple usually gets excluded. I wonder this because from the way that it sounds it was ok when it was you three and then you started to get the husbands and kids all together and it changed.

I would not let your daughter know what is going on here. The good thing is she will be going to K where she will meet a ton of new friends. Just kind of let the old ones fade away. And don't feel too bad because it would most likely happen anyhow. Don't push for her to be friends with the girl that will be in school with her either. If it happens it happens but make no extra effort. You will also end up meeting a lot of new moms at elem school. I am really not friends with any of the preschool moms now that I used to hang out with. The kids have gone seperate ways and so have we. Just the nature of adult friendships.

I've only kept one friend from pre school. Our daughter's went to pre k together but they went to different kinders. I see her once or twice a year. Usually for each kids bday and maybe one other play date. We enjoy that time to catch and stay connected.But we are living two different busy lives. My daughter also kept one kid from the public school when she moved to private. I think you just have to accept it is what it is and get your kid involved with other outside activities to meet more kids to widen your kids circle of friends. As she got older I became a lot less involved with the parents of the kids she has made friends with. You check them out of course and get to know them but I do not hang out with any of them.

Why not host a little get-together -invite everyone-don't be hurt-it's probably not what it seems-and you sound very sweet! I hope it turns around for you-in fact, I will add you to my prayers!

Relax. Don't take it personally.

Take charge of the situation. I suggest that you become a play date planner and invite the ladies and their daughters over for play dates. That way, your daughter will see her friends and you can continue to invest in your friends.

Your child's schood friends parents are NOT your friends and they are making it abundantly clear. Don't waste your time, energy and money on having a party for people who probably won't show up and if they do, are not likely to change their attitudes.

Invite your real friends and/or make some new ones who will appreciate you.

I wouldn't take it personally. It sounds like they've clicked more with each other than they have with you. It sucks, but sometimes that's the way it is.

This is why I like to have different friends from different areas of my life, that way none of this weirdness happens, and I don't have all of my eggs in one basket. Also, not all of my friends have kids or kids that are my daughter's sex or age. I choose my friends based on several things, and having a kid the same age/sex is low on the list, because if I did that I'd be limiting myself.

There are so many other potentially good friends, why worry about these 2? Friends for you & your DD will come, some may stay, some may go, and it's a normal part of life.

Your DD will have her own friends & you may or not "click" with their parents, and you don't have to. It's okay to have your own friendships, outside of the parents of your child's friends.

I definitely wouldn't confront them because you'll be "imagining" things if you do. No need in being upset over something you can't really control. Time to maybe let go and take it for what it is & work on making other friends.