Friend's Daughter Really "Tomboy"ish

No offense, but why would you want to force this little girl into a societal stereotype if she's not interested? I would be more concerned if it was affecting her health or her happiness, but if it isn't I say just let her be herself. I too was a massive tomboy when I was a kid mainly because I wanted to be like my dad and my two brothers (they always looked like they were having more fun). Eventually I grew out of it, if only slightly, and can still knock the wind out of my mom when she sees me all "girlied up". I still like wrestling, and I love hanging out with my male friends doing guy stuff rather than the women I am friends with, and it hasn't affected me negatively. If anything, I fit in so well with "the boys" that I feel it has given me an upper hand in life in that I don't have to work harder and prove myself just because I am a woman. Just be happy that she's happy and leave it at that.

Maybe it's just me but I don't get why anyone should be concerned!! So what if she's more boyish then girlie, if that's the way she likes to be then why change it just so she can be more like the norm or what you want her to be. I say let her be, she's not doing anything wrong.

Sorry, but isn't that her parents' business?

Aside from that, no they shouldn't be concerned. I was the same way and the only thing it caused was that I happen to be a great, sporty mom to my two boys.

Why are you concerned? The measure of a woman is not in how much pink, frills, and lipstick she wears. Our society is too hemmed in to gender stereotypes. The only part of your post that might cause me concern (with a girl OR a boy) is how rough and aggressive is the wrestling? Has your daughter been hurt or expressed fear or discomfort about it? If so, that certainly must be addressed. Otherwise, let the child express her individuality as she feels comfortable and rejoice that your daughter is open minded enough to enjoy a friendship with a little girl who doesn't feel the pressure to conform to outmoded societal expectations.

why would this be a cause for concern? Some girls are tomboys, sometimes they outgrow it, sometimes they don't. I'm going to play amateur psychologist and guess it might have something to do with the divorce, and her attempt to be more like her dad. It's really normal. It's really normal even without a divorce, frankly. I think she should be encouraged to act however she wants (as long as she's not being *violent*, wrestling is normal, too). There's nothing wrong with being yourself.

Yes, indeed why should you be worried?

"Tomboyish?" So what. The greatest mistake is to try to force her to be someone she's not. All the adults in her life just need to lighten up, and love her for who she is. Instead of pushing the dolls and nail polish, let her join a soccer team or some other athletic activity that she could have a real passion for and would let her talents shine.

Personally, I find the whole idea of encouraging little girls to play with make-up and nail polish to be more than a little creepy.

im a tomboy too. id rather be playing soccer and watching nascar. theres nothing wrong with it. i hung out with boys mostly. i wouldnt foorce her to do girl stuff it could make her rebel r be upset. im sure there are many things your daughter and her can play that they both enjoy. they obviously enjoy each others company and thats what matters. besides you dont have to be playing with the same toys to be in a room together and just conversate.

Don't know if you still need responses but I was just like your friend's daughter growing up. I hated dresses and played football and other sports. I didn't engage in many games with the girls. Looking back I think I just got along better with boys and I had two brothers so it was natural to me to play with boys. I did have dolls and played with them occasionally. I was quite the tomboy though. I can even remember a specific instance in middle school where I had made the math team and the dress code was dresses or shirt and tie. I told my teacher that I refuse to wear a dress and he said the only other option was a shirt and tie. So low and behold I showed up for the math meet in pants and a shirt and tie.

In the long run I grew to be very feminine in high school and am just like any other woman who loves to get my nails done and go shopping. On the flip side I can jump in and play a great wide reciever on the flag football team too, I like to think I am very well rounded. ;o)

sounds to me as if the fear isn't 'is she a tomboy?' but OMG she might be gay!
she is who she is. her parents should (and probably do) love her for herself, and i'm glad they don't feel the need to try and force her to be anything else.
if she's too rough with your daughter, address THAT. if that's not the issue, then just what precisely do you think her parents ought to be doing?
khairete
S.

If it is the wrestling you are concerned about, can you teach your daughter some ways to politely tell the girl she doesn't appreciate it? If, after your daughter tells her that it hurts to wrestle and she would prefer not to be touched, the girl keeps up the rough play she will eventually lose your daughter's friendship and learn a tough lesson about boundaries. However, this doesn't really have anything to do with what kind of activities she enjoys. If she prefers sports over dolls more power to her.

Why would this be something of concern? is it wrong for a girl to be a tomboy? Is it wrong for a boy to play with dolls? I am not sure I understand why it is an issue. it sounds to me that everyone in this poor child's life is concerned for no good reason. I feel for her that this would even be brought up. What happened to letting children be who they are? For goodness sake leave it alone. Why is there such an issue the "gasp" she might not be straight! Who cares let her be who she is and enjoy her childhood.

my heart hurts that this girl is being judged so harshly just for being herself. i could understand you butting in if she was doing something harmful, but good gracious, this is her parents' business, not yours.

oh my goodness just let the child be. I was a tomboy when I was little and in many ways still am. I didn't like dolls much and most of the girlie things were boring. I have 3 brothers and they always seemed to have more fun so i jointed them. I played sports (even on boys teams when I was young) and I had fun. When I hit high school, I still played sports and made lots of friends that way.

Do not shame this girl into thinking something is bad or contagious - she won't 'infect' your girlie daugher into being anything she isn't.

What's wrong with being a tomboy? Is the real concern that the child will grow up to be a lesbian? Maybe she will, but that is not going to "rub off" on your daughter. And so what if she is gay? I was a tomboy as a child and I am totally straight. The thought of forcing little girls to play with dolls and wear dresses and use nail polish makes me want to gag.

I grew up as a total tomboy during the 50s when it was not as well accepted as it is today. If your friend's daughter doesn't want to play with girlie stuff, that is perfectly fine. If your daughter does not want to wrestle, she has the right to make that statement and you need to enforce it.

Whether or not the tomboy's parents should be concerned is up to them. You only need to worry about your daughter's needs and preferences. I would not encourage or require that they play together just because of your friendship; both girls are old enough to decide if this is the kind of playmate they want or if they only want to be TV-movie friends.

I turned out OK, and am a nurturing person, I just didn't like dolls and dressing up. I prefered to play cowboys and work with tools with my father. Each child is different (and it is a wonder and blessing that they are), so allowing them to be themselves is very important.

Please quit worrying about this little girl and just let her be herself. First, unless she is hurting your child or forcing her into these "wrestling sessions" this is actually none of your business. If your daughter likes her and enjoys her company let the two to of them be friends and be grateful that your daughter is growing up a lot less judgmental about people than her mother.
The world is made up of a lot of different types of people and all of them are unique and have contributions to make. If this girl likes sports and wearing comfortable clothes, instead of playing with dolls and dressing up that is her choice and nothing to worry about.
My daughter's best friend through elementary school has always been into sports and other guy type things, while my daughter would rather read a book or organize a game of pretend play with her friends. As they have grown up, these interests haven't changed much, but the tomboy friend has had at least a few boyfriends now that the girls are teens, and my daughter's thoughts about boys (or girls) just don't go in that direction.
Let the other child be herself and your daughter enjoy her friend's company.

I don't know that they need to worry just yet. I do agree that the wrestling should stop, for your daughter's sake. Is the Mom really girlie? Perhaps she just needs to be around other girls more, learn to play dress up and stuff. What about helping introduce her to girlie things without being too girlie.... clear nailpolish, hair bands/ponytails, clear lip gloss, etc. Or maybe start with cute shoes, skorts, capri pants and such.
M.

Dara Torres, Whoopi Goldberg, Ellen Degeneres, A. Earhart, Dana Patrick, Venus and Serena, Gloria Stienham..................the list of successful women who are Un-girlie are endless and impressive. The thought process that a girl is somehow 'less than' because they don't live up to some glossy cover model idealogy is so passe'. It's 2009, be thankful your child is smart enough to be friends with another who comfortable in her own mind. body, and spirit- what a true blessing.

My daughter was a tomboy. She even wanted to be called "Michael" (we refused to call her by any other name than her real name.) She was rough and tumble and TINY!
She played all types of sports with boys (even tackle football) and outplayed many of the boys. She was chosen for all-star teams. She did not like to wear dresses or have her hair done. Her grandmother had to "bribe" my daughter with a child sized Army uniform to get the child to wear a dress and be the flower girl in her aunt's wedding. She had friends of both sexes but her closest friend was her male cousin who was 9 months older.
In middle school she started leaning more towards the "girl" sports but still did not like to be girly dressed. She preferred jeans and t-shirts.
In high school, she played on all girl teams and won a college softball scholarship. After college, she joined the Army.
Today, she is 28 years old, a CAPTAIN in the Army. She is MARRIED and has a 1 year old DAUGHTER (and she is still tiny - only 5 feet tall and barely weighs 115 lbs.) She has won physical fitness awards in the military and has been chosen to serve in some very influential positions (she has beaten out both male and female candidates for these positions.)
She was a beautiful bride in traditonal white. She will sometimes now dress "girly" but prefers khaki pants and polo shirts (often the shirts are girly colors.)
I have no regrets for letting her be HERSELF and part of that was the tomboy in her.
Unless the little girl is REALLY agressive - I would not worry. You could continue to GENTLY try to get her to incorporate some of the more traditional "GIRL" into her everyday life but don't force it. As long as she is happy and well adjusted and not hurting any other children with her play - let her be herself.

There is nothing wrong with your friend's daughter being tomboyish. Not all girls like to do "girl stuff." I know I never liked to wear dresses or play with dolls, or paint my finger nails. I preferred to wear tshirts and pants or shorts. I preferred to play baseball, tumble, swim, climb trees, play in the mud with matchbox cars and gijoes. My friends were into the "girlie girl stuff" but that wasn't for me. Everyone has thier own interests.

Sorry if this is late, but I had to ask the important question of why does it matter at all. Lots of girls are tomboys and grow up to be very happy and successful, I would tell her dad that this society needs to let girls be happy being who they are. Also, lots of girls change their mind right around puberty, so you may still get stuck with it. But most importantly love your daughter for who she is, don't try to change her, that will not work out for you I promise!! I would in the Psychiatric Medicine department and I can't tell you how many kids come in quite disturbed essentially because they were not who their parents thought they should be and not in a bad way. Be careful!!

Why be concerned? Just love her the way she is and she'll be fine!

This is by late and by all the responses, the vote is certainly unanimous - being a tomboy is more than okay!

As for dealing with the wrestling, tell dad to get his daughter into Brazilian Jiu Jitsu/grappling. It is a fantastic sport for girls and is not strength-based (like tae kwon do) so much as it is technique. These are fantastic life-long, street skills and self-defense moves she can take well into adulthood and beyond.

--M.

Are they concerned that she is gay??? If so that is completely ridiculous. I feel that you are born that way. I was a Tomboy growing up, I preffered to play with "boy toys" and I had mostly boy friends. I am now happily married to a man with two sons. I would be more concerned with her developmental skills and not what activties she prefers. If your daughter does not enjoy playing with her then that is a whole other issue, but as far as what toys she chooses I would not be concerned at all.
(Sorry for the spelling errors)

I wouldnt worry... We have two neices that wanta be boys!
( girls ages 5 & 6) They both wear boys attire & mostly only like sports & boy kinda games. One does occasionally play with dolls. Neither will wear a dress. Know one from either family seems to be worried at all about either of them, they r both really great happy girls! I think part of it may be a control issue, at this young age they want so badly to be the boss of something, anything?
& If what they choose to wear gets a rise( attention) outta folks then it's even more fun!
You can Relax, its okay ...even if they dont out grow it, its just part of who they are~

Raina,

I wouldn't worry too much about your daughters friend being "tomboy"ish unless the wrestling with your daughter bothers your daughter or is too rough. I grew up very much a tomboy and am now very happily married for the past 24 yrs with three beautiful children, 2 boys and a girl. My daughter is girlie with the hair and nails and the clothes. Not all girls like to play with dolls or play dress up. I was much happier being outside playing with nature's creatures or helping my dad work on cars. I had two older sisters that were girlie, I just prefered spending time with my dad than with my mom baking, cleaning house and what not. I'm not saying I loved my mom any less, I just prefered being outside. We're all different in our own ways and you shouldn't be worried if your daughters friend does't like the same things as she does. They'll find things that they like to do together and learn more about the world with their differences. My best friend when I was your daughters age was girlie, but we did some of each that we liked and have been friends all this time. She's still girle and I'm still tomboyish but it never hurt our friendship that we did not have the exact same interests.