Friend Invites Hubby to Girls' Weekend - Need Perspective on This!

This is horrible communication.

How I read this is that Mary is coming into town with her son and found a place halfway between you and Jane.

This is not a 'Girls' weekend, JMO.

A ladies get away, to me, would not include kids and would include a date and destination picked by the ladies going....no kids...no significant others...and no...coming into "visit" anyone.

It sounds like Mary found a place to stay in town and invited you all. It's up to her to set the parameters of this visit, which in fact she did by including her son.

Since nobody defined how this weekend was supposed to be, and since only Mary booked the place she is staying at, you need to let the husband thing go.

You all need to define what you mean by 'get away' and take it from there.
But in my opinion 'a place to stay halfway between households' does not equal "get away".

ETA: I agree with Marda...what does this have to do with 6 friends from college.
LOL, feel like I just read a mathematical word problem: 6-3+1husband +5 kids divided by 4 adults divided by half the distance of the two households......

If you are renting a three bedroom house, then you split that cost by 3, as she and husband will be sharing a room. I don't know what the other costs are.

It sounds like you let it go on too long already, so he has to go. If you were going to insist, and reasonably so, on a girls' weekend, you would have had to do it right when she first mentioned bringing her husband. But since you didn't put the kabosh on it then, now you have to put up with it.

Hopefully he's a fun guy.

The time to have the conversation with Jane is before the trip, not after. If you don't, then you will resent his presence & it will take over the fun atmosphere. If you absolutely can't go minus kids, minus men isn't unreasonable. Be blunt.

When kids were invited, it became a family trip not a girls' trip. So I'm not surprised she is bringing her husband.

Assuming he will be babysitter for all 5 kids?? Very presumptuous.

Split the house by the number of rooms each family occupies. When you eat out, each family gets separate checks.

It sounds like you are renting a house for the weekend? Maybe planning on buying food and cooking? Otherwise, I'm not sure what there is to split.

We just returned from a family reunion. We all stayed at a hotel (each with our own separate bill). Every time we went out for a meal we asked for separate checks. It might have been annoying to the staff, but we did tip well!!!

I think the fairest way is to have a "per adult" cost and a "per kid" cost. Say the whole bill is $1000. Maybe charge $125 per adult and $100 per kid. That would equal $1000. You'd have to play around with the numbers a bit, but I think you could make it work.

You need to clarify with all when you make the plans.
Is it 6 women?
Is it 6 women and a bunch of kids?
Is it 3 of the 6 women and a bunch of kids?
Is it just 3 women?
Is it a family thing?
We are not even sure reading this, so how is Jane supposed to know?

If you are staying in one big condo I would split costs according to how many bedrooms each family uses. If a family of six takes up half the bedrooms they pay for half the condo. If you each use 1 bedroom you split evenly. Meals out...each family pays their own way. Meals in...each family takes charge of a meal.

Well my girls weekends never included kids, so maybe your friend sees this more as a family weekend? I don't know, it does seem strange, I mean I don't know ANY men who would want to go and hang out with a bunch of women and kids all weekend.
As far as the expense, everyone should pay for their own room of course, or, if you're renting a house split it three ways. It's not like the husband is going to be in his own room, right? Three families, three rooms, split it three ways. That seems fair.

If this was a true girls weekend then I would have advised the direct route and said, "Jane, this is a ladies only trip. Dick is not invited." because sometimes people need that level of directness to get a clue. *

My answer changed as I read the details. If you're all bringing your kids, this is not a 'girls weekend' that is exclusive to adult women. Under these circumstances, I see no reason to exclude Jane's husband under the circumstances you've outlined. Perhaps you and Mary should bring your partners as well.

What costs do you need to split? When my family took a vacation with another family (4 people + 3 people) we rented a two bedroom condo and each family took a bedroom. Condo cost split was 50/50. The price of the condo did not change whether or not there was 1 family or 2 families, nor was it influenced by the number of people in each family.

If there are admission tickets involved, each person pays for their own. Meals out means asking for separate bills per family.

*On occasion, the real issue is a controlling/abusive significant other. They don't allow their women to have weekends away from them. Or if they pretend it's fine, but use emotional manipulation to be included or get her to cancel. Sometimes the woman leaves for the trip but is fielding constant calls and texts from him the whole time. This would be a circumstance requiring special handling by one's friends.

Was it worded as a "girls weekend"? Maybe she was confused because kids were coming and thought it was for families? Are you planning on sharing accommodations? When Jane began including her husband did anyone tell her that he wasn't invited? Did you ask her why she invited him? If her husband is coming I would bring the other two husbands and split it three ways. If you are not sharing accommodations, then you each pay for your own place and it doesn't matter who stays there. My guess is it is a misunderstanding, and she is going to show up with her husband and wonder where the other guys are.

I am confused. There are 3 college friends or 6? If it's just 3, why mention 6? Are.you renting one place/house for all of you to stay together? Will the husband be staying in same place with all of you? I suggest that part of the reason for confusion is that plans weren't clear at the beginning. Then you excuse your not clarifying at the beginning because Jane was being pushy. What? Not possibly offending Mary is more important than working this out with all 3 of you so all of you can enjoy the time? Sounds like Jane is clueless to your feelings and doesn't know she's offended you. Or she knows their is tension and doesn't know why.

I suggest that if you 3 do not come to an agreement, this weekend will be a disaster because of the tension. You already resent her including her husband. You resent that she's not told you why she's bringing him and yet you haven't asked why. You've made no effort to clean this up. Why do you think you can just ignore your own feelings and have a good time? Why do you think her choices as one person is more important than the choice to get together without husbands made by you and Mary?

Did you or Mary ever tell her you wanted it to be moms only? We're you insistent? I suggest that you and Mary are responsible for creating this situation and either accept that, let go of your resentment, and focus on having a good time while including the husband or start over with plans. I suggest you use I statements as you tell how you feel about her husband joining you. Plan to have a somewhat lengthy conversation about how to plan this weekend together. There are some obvious ways to compromise. Be open to making changes. I urge you to let go of your irritation long enough to repair relationships before starting the get together.

You ask how I and my family and friends split costs. Family and friendships are way more important than being sure each one pats their share. We trust each other to pay what they can afford. It's common for one person or one family to rent the space on their own and invite the rest of us. It's equally common for one person/one family to get the check for one meal and a different one to get the check for another. If you're cooking, perhaps you could share expenses by each mom being responsible for a couple of meals. You could shop together having a budget for the entire number of meals. Or each mom could decide and shop for herself. This is more complicated. I would just have the entire food amount divided by 3 or 4, however the group wants to divide it. This is a group decision.

You and Mary want it divided 4 ways. Have you talked with Jane about your reasons for that or are you just wanting to avoid the hard talk to getting agreement?

I suggest you're getting bogged down by details when you state your goal is to have a good time. Apparently the details and good time are mutually exclusive. Decide which is the most important for you.

ETA: Wait - kids are coming? If kids are coming it's NOT a girls weekend. It's a "mom" weekend. Then just make it family. Ask husband's to step up one night so that you and the girls can go out.

When we vacation with friends? We each pay our own way. Period.

If we go out to dinner? We typically split it 50/50 unless one person is drinking a LOT of alcohol. Sorry - but if you are going to spend $50 in drinks at dinner? I'm not going to split that.

I would tell my friend that this is a GIRLs weekend. NOT a couples weekend. IF her husband comes? It will be you two on your own. Sorry. But we want GIRL TIME not couples time.

It ain't a 'girls weekend' if a guy comes along.
For that matter it's not a girls weekend if kids are coming either.
What the heck is she thinking?
If Jane is that attached at the hip with her Hubby - then she's not at a stage where she should be going on excursions like this - she and Hubby can go do all the things they want to do together as a couple.
If it were me?
If I wanted a girls weekend and Jane's Hubby is coming along, I'd cancel out and not go.
OR if all the Mary agrees this is an intrusion, then you both explain to Jane either she comes without Hubby or she shouldn't come at all.
This would be just as weird if the guys were doing a fishing/hunting trip and one brings his wife along.
How can you chat with your buddies and complain about your 'better half' and/or kids if they are all right there?

Well, you have just learned that if you want a Girls' Weekend in the future, you are going to have to be very specific about that up front.

In this case, since your friend, Mary, had already planned to bring her son from the very beginning, it was never a girls' trip, and I can see why Jane assumed that families would be included.

But, that's the whole problem here. Assumptions. Whenever you are making plans, if you know the kind of trip you want it to be (where to go, where to stay, what to see, which family members are coming), you have to be very clear with everyone involved from the beginning.

Also, if three different families are renting one house, the cost is split by three FAMILIES. You don't "charge extra" for her spouse. That is petty, in my view.

If you are going to be cooking and eating at the house, again, I would split the grocery bill by three. Unless there are some really specific dietary constraints or highly unusual preferences, my guess is you are all going to be eating pretty much the same things. So don't try to estimate ahead who will be eating the most food. Just split it by three families and be done with it.

To avoid problems when you dine in restaurants, ask for separate checks up front so there will be no potential for problems and resentments to develop. Each family pays for their own meals when dining out.

See how this trip goes, and this information will help you plan much better for future trips. If things don't go well sharing a house, accommodations for future trips may need to include hotels, resorts, or separate condos. The key is to learn what works for this group and then to be very clear and specific when making plans.

For this trip, realize that this situation was created by unclear communications; try to let go of the resentments that seem to be brewing, and just enjoy the time with your friends.

This just happened in our family. My siblings and I are getting together in the fall and one of my sisters mentioned bringing her daughter along. No other kids coming.

I just said that no other kids were coming. Can you not just say that? That your men aren't coming? When I did that, my sister said oh, she misunderstood (when in fact, we hadn't been clear in the beginning, so wasn't her fault). She decided to not bring her - once she knew.

That's what I would do. If she still brings him - then in future, if you do this - I'd specify at the onset - women and kids only.

ETA: I think Marda summed this up really well. Was anyone clear from get go or did you all just make assumptions? You assumed she'd get no men were invited, and she assumed they were - but has anyone clarified this? You leave that part out - so it's hard to know if Jane is being pushy.

My suggestion if it's all really awkward is (if you can't just be honest and direct with her) - send out email or text or however you communicate and say "Me and kid will arrive at ... " or something so Jane gets that you're not bringing men. I mean, what happens if she brings him and then feels like an idiot when your men don't show?

Hard to say. If you are including kids, then it is hardly a "girls' weekend" in my book. Maybe "Mary" was just following that logic. But, if neither you or the other girlfriend said anything at the very start, then it's hard to see why you are taking issue *now*...

As far as splitting, we have generally split things up by rooms or by family. In most cases everyone uses the same rooms. If there are small children involved, they often stay IN the room with the parents, so no extra accommodations needed. Or if it's all family (siblings and grandparents) and the children are old enough, the kids all share space and the ones with kids divide up the cost of the 4th (or 5th or 6th) room. Sometimes it's just a function of how badly you want to get together, and who can afford what. If you can afford it, and you know they are on a tighter budget, I'd likely ignore it. Not worth the drama or hurt feelings or whatever.

As far as eating out, we always pay for ourselves. In most cases it really isn't a big deal to ask for separate checks. In many places, if you have a large table (varies from place to place if that means 7 or 8 or more) your server has the option to automatically include a stated percentage of tip to the bill. They still do this if they divide the checks. But, for example, in our family, my parents often share, one sibling had 4 teen kids, one sibling had none, and one had 2 toddlers. Those are drastically different costs to go out and eat fresh seafood. Just ask for separate checks.
-----------
After your SWH:
Well, for you and Mary, it may mean a "girls' weekend plus kids", but hello? That is a family get together. Not "JUST the girls" no matter how you slice it. I think there is a lot of assuming going on between the three of you and you are using the same terms to define something completely different and aren't being clear. I don't think Jane is being rude at all. I think she sees her husband as her family, not unlike you bringing your kids (regardless of the reason behind bringing them).
You can say it's a "girls' only weekend" until you are blue in the face, but if you are both bringing kids, it is not, in fact, a "girls' only" weekend. If you want no husbands, then you need to say a "weekend with no husbands" because what you have done, the terms you have used, are whacked. Sorry.

It's not a girls weekend if the husband goes and it isn't if the kids go either. Girls weekend is ONLY the girls in my opinion.

That being said, if it were me, I would not make a big deal this time and take advantage of him watching all the kids while you girls hang out. OR I would invite the other husbands too and call it a day.

But whatever happens THIS time, I would make sure that NEXT time, it is very clear from the beginning that it will ONLY be the girls.

As far as dividing the money, I would divide it by the 3 "families", but only the rental. I would not make her pay extra for the husband UNLESS he declines to babysit. Everyone pays for their own food and entertainment. Good luck.

If you have your kids, this is not a girls weekend.

Most people split by family for trips. It is always awkward though. Some want to split per person (and count 3month old sleeping in same room as parents as an equal charge).

I would think to split by room. So If Mary shares the room with her child, Jane uses 2 rooms, you use one room, then I would split per room and have it split 4 ways (Jane pays for half).

Your friend is bringing her son. Are you bringing your kids? If you have kids joining you? It is NOT a girls weekend. It's a get together. You can't tell her not to bring her husband when your other friend is bringing her kid.

Tyler and I just got back from a 10 cruise to the Mediterrian (Italy, Crete, Croatia). We went with two other couples to celebrate their 20 years of marriage. We paid for our way. We didn't split anything. We asked for separate checks.

I agree - you're going to be pretty limited if you're going on a weekend getaway but are taking your kids.

Perhaps Jane's husband is coming along but plans to do his own thing - like just read by the pool, or be away from his office, or sit at the bar, and he won't be participating in any "girls" activities. Maybe a weekend at home means looking at the lawn that needs mowing, hearing the sink that drips that needs repairing, and being away from home means he will get to relax. Maybe he plans to drive down to a casino a few miles away, or go to a car museum or go fishing or whatever interests him.

You really won't be able to "do your own thing" because you'll be guarding your kids at the pool, or taking them to the restaurant, so I'd call this just a getaway instead of a girls' weekend. Re-phrase it. Enjoy room service, enjoy not having to wash dishes, get a margarita poolside while the kids splash and play, and if Jane's husband is there, well, since your kids are there, you really won't be discussing intimate details or sharing gossip about the Kardashians or the Real Housewives of Wherever. You'll be talking about back to school, you'll be telling little Susie to stop splashing little Josie in the face, you'll be telling Tommy not to run in the halls or beside the pool.

Maybe you can plan, while you're there, to plan a real getaway, without kids, without partners, in the next couple of years or sooner.

Is this your first get together as a goup since Jane got married? Was she one of the last ones to get married? Maybe she is just one of those people who does EVERYTHING with her husband and would never consider going away without him. I have a couple of friends that really would never even consider a girls weekend. So maybe if she's in a relatively new marriage, that's a factor. It's also possible, like you say, that her husband is controlling and wouldn't allow her to go...as if we need permission!

As for splitting the cost 3 vs 4 ways... Does her husband coming require you to have an extra bedroom? I mean, would she have shared a room with you or Mary if her husband wasn't along, but now they need a bedroom for themselves? If yes, then they should pay a bigger share of the lodging expenses. If Jane would have had her own room anyway, then I don't think I would ask to split the lodging four ways.

I would not be comfortable splitting the bill three ways at restaurants. They would definitely have to pay more if they are eating twice as much as you and Mary.

I guess as a general rule for the finances - if the husband's presence adds extra cost, like meals or paying admission if you go somewhere, then you split four ways. But if him being there is no different than if he weren't, like for a rental car or something, then you would split it three ways. Hope that makes sense.

Sorry he's going on your girls weekend. That would make me crazy!! My friend and I get together with just the kids every year and I love it.

Not only does a girls weekend imply no husbands, it also implies no kids. If I understand your post correctly, y'all are bringing your kids with? Then it is not a girls weekend - it is a family trip. If it was a girls trip only, meaning no husbands and no children, then I would have told her that her husband is not allowed to come - and if she insisted on bringing him, I would tell her not to come. However since this appears to be a family trip (any trip with kids is a family trip), then she has a right to bring her husband.

Okay, so you have decided not to rock the boat regarding her husband coming. BUT, you are both schmucks if you allow her and her husband to mooch off of you. You MUST tell her that they both have to pay. If you don't, they will mooch off of you forever.

I agree that it's not a girls' weekend if the kids are coming. Maybe Jane doesn't think she can have any fun if she has 2 little kids to chase after, and she needs her husband's help? Maybe he's adamant that she can't go and leave him with kids to parent? Maybe the reason you all get together less than you used to is that it's too much of a pain with kids?

I gather you have already said something like, "We always do it, just us women" but the kids in the mix throw it off? I agree with you that she sounds pushy because you say she's been so insistent, but still, I'd reevaluate what the purpose of the weekend is. If it's for the women to meet each other's kids, then I don't see why partners/husband should be banned. Unless you want to get away from the men! I'd sooner leave the kids at home with the partners and get the women away. But if Mary is visiting with her son, maybe you don't think it makes sense for you all to leave your children at home. So maybe you need to reassess the whole thing, bring your husband and perhaps Mary's? But if Mary is traveling, that may not be feasible, especially after the plans are all set. And maybe your man couldn't care less.

I think you may be better off just going with Jane's plan, and let her see how weird it is...or isn't. If she and he decide they're going to have some alone time while you babysit the kids, that's unfair. If the 3 women can get some time together (because after all, it's you who don't see each other much) while Jane's husband does childcare, great. If that doesn't work out, and if he's a stand-out pain, then you can set the ground rules very firmly for the next time, with plenty of advance planning so that the other 3 women in your group can also come. If he wants to be a fun part of the group and just listen while you 3 reminisce about college, maybe there's no harm. Maybe he'll be a 4th person to clean up the kitchen and pick up toys, so maybe it works out. If he hates it and says this is the dumbest idea Jane ever had, then future gatherings will be much more pleasant because everyone will know what the alternatives are.

Anyway, if you are renting a house of some sort, I say to split the bill based on the number of bedrooms occupied. If it's a 3 bedroom, you each pay 1/3. If it's larger but all the kids are bunking in the extra room, you still split it 3 ways. If you are not charging "by the child" (you have 2, Jane has 2, Mary has 1), then I think you divide by 3 families. If you are buying groceries and cooking, I can see that their family of 4 will cost more than you and your 2 kids, but you will cost more than Mary and her son. So maybe you just split it and be generous.

If you go out, then everyone pays their family's share. Once you get into who had the chicken fingers and who had dessert, let alone whose kid ordered but didn't eat it all or which adult had 2 glasses of wine while someone else had none, it gets crazy. I'd just ask for separate checks and be done with it. It's a little bit of extra work for the server, but it's way better than the time it will take to collect money or pick apart a bill at the end of the meal when kids are anxious to leave.

So, it's a girl's weekend but everyone is coming but your guys? The kids are coming too?

If the kids are joining you then it's not a girl's weekend it's a family getaway. I think if you really want to have a girl's weekend then you need just you girls, the adult girls. No kids, no guys.

Otherwise it's just friends with kids hanging out at the same place, joining up for a joint vacation.

The room, one big hotel room or something like that, is split per family. I would draw the line at a guy sleeping in the same room as me that I'm not married to so I'd be telling this friend that she needs to rent her own accommodations because guy isn't welcome in your bedroom.

If it's a cabin or VRBO sort of place with a bunch of bedrooms and some common spaces then I'd probably do it by family group. If everyone is staying where they are in the same vicinity but not in the same cabin/room then it's each on their own.

As for food, entertainment, anything like that it's on each family to pay their own way if they want to go. If they don't then it's their choice to not go.

No way I'd pay for anyone else's entertainment or food or activities or anything. I pay my way and my kids way, period. That way I can say what we do or don't do.

,

I think it is bizarre she would bring her husband. I would ask her if her husband knew it was a girl's weekend and that he would be the only man and that the other SO were staying at home. I am also confused however why you are all bringing your kids. 5 kids going to girls weekend doesn't sound like a "girls weekend" get away to me either.

Have a great time!

Ok. Mary would hate me by now. I would be the one in the group to instantly shut her down. No men at girls' weekends ever. If our other friends didn't back me up, I would not go. The next time we got together, Mary would not know until afterwards.
Secondly, I pay by family because we got burned. We drink water only, occasionally split one desert for the entire family, almost always split dinners, and always tip. Occasionally we order surf and turf which is really expensive here. One family orders an appetizer, a drink, and a desert for each person. They always try to split the meal evenly and I always tell the waiter up front "Our family includes us and we will be paying on a separate ticket."

When my family (with my parents, siblings, etc) travels and rents a house, we split the cost by room. So as a family of 5, I take at least two rooms, sometimes 3. I pay the most money. My parents normally pay more by taking care of the fees, heating the pool, etc...but when it's broken down by rooms, I take the most, I pay the most.

It's also NOT a girls weekend if kids are coming. So why would a husband coming be a problem? It sounds like a family get together weekend to me.

Also - did he or she say he would babysit the kids? Just because he is there doesn't mean he is willing to babysit all of the kids. But that's just my thought on that.

This whole thing seems off to me...