Friend Approached Me with Touchy Subject: Part II

If you could see her face to face it would be better. Barring that, the email expresses what you want. I am sorry ES. You deserve a faithful friend.

it's nicer than i would be.
khairete
S.

(sigh) okay, this post changes things.

based on your "sunken-in face" comment, my concern/fear is that your friend is not The Bad Guy. I automatically & wrongly assumed....that you meant that you were overeating.

Soooo, do you have an eating disorder? Are you anorexic/bulimic? Please, please address this!

I completely take back what I said in the other post. Now I fear for you. :(

If this will make you feel better, do it.

You can thank her for her concern and ask her to drop it. You stated you didn't want to burn bridges but really, I would just thank her for her concern. Leave it at that.

Bottom line is you have to do what you need to do to feel right.

Think on it overnight. Go with your gut. If your gut is saying - no - then don't write more. Personally? I would call her and talk with her about it. Or even ask to meet her for coffee...talk with her in person so she can see your face and hear your voice....

Good luck!!

Smiles, ES. Only you know your friend. How do you think she will take it? I don't think we can really answer that...

Good luck with your decision!

Dawn

Her comments hit a nerve with you - she hurt your feelings.
I'd say something along the lines of
'thanks for your concern but my weight is something that is between my doctor and myself and it's not something you should feel the need to discuss with anyone. As for looking older - maybe I do and maybe I don't but getting older is a natural progression of living a long life and it sure beats the alternative'.

I say, do whatever makes you feel better. If you feel like you need to address that part of her email, then definitely do it. I don't think it really matters how your friend will take it, because it's something you feel (I assume) needs to be said. She obviously felt like she needed...for whatever reason...to say what she did, despite how you might take it. If this nags at you, then send the email. It's not harsh, in any way, and worded kindly.

If I feel like I'm really bothered by something, I typically say something about it. In the nicest way possible. I feel like we have the right to address something hurtful.

E S,
I read both of your posts and I'm unclear on this.
In the first post you mention "eating issues."
Now, I don't know you so I don't know what that means.
It could mean you have an eating disorder.
It could mean you're just naturally thin.
If the former, maybe your friend is just scared for your health and well-being. And trying to offer help and support?
If it's the latter, then it's truly none of her business! And I would truly question the motivation behind her comments.

I only started to heal from anorexia when my friends said something. At that point i agreed to be hospitalized. I don't know what your "eating issues" are, but if your friends noticed it, maybe you should take her concern to heart.

I think that's sounds like a great way of letting her know your feelings, while also letting her know that you know she's speaking out of concern.
I'm glad you're getting help to get yourself healthy. Take care!

Anyone who doesn't live under a rock knows you don't comment on your friend's weight. I wouldn't dignify that letter with a response if it were me!

Updated

Anyone who doesn't live under a rock knows you don't comment on your friend's weight. I wouldn't dignify that letter with a response if it were me!

I'm sorry that this is upsetting. The recommendation I have is to pick up the phone or meet with her if she is local. So much is lost in e-mails and it is so easy to dissect every word.

Good luck!

The thing is:
some friends will tell another friend about what others said about them. Why? Because, they feel they should be honest/open and tell their friend. So that, their friend knows what is being said about them.
Then, some friends will not say... to their friend what others are saying about them. Why? Because, they censor... what they tell their friend and don't tell them everything for whatever reason.

But in no part, did your friend say to you, what she said to those women... as a retort, in your defense, as a friend.
Meaning, did she just stand there, deaf and mute while those women commented? (ie: some people do just stand there saying nothing. Because, they don't know what to say, or feel they cannot... stand up to certain others).
Or, did she speak up and sort of defend you to them? Or did she just witness it all?
Or is she a "meanie" and did want to actually tell you, you look old?

Your letter is fine if that is what you want to tell her, being she is supposed to be your good friend.

And if she is a good friend, she will still be your friend after you telling her this.

I think that you should leave out the part about why you think they have that opinion. You don't know what their eyes see, and you don't want to open the door for a debate. The fact that you mention that sounds like you are looking for confirmation, grasping for possible reasons that someone might think that you look older than you are. I think that you should remove the sentence that begins with "Because".

Otherwise, I like your matter-of-fact tone. I like the brevity of the message. I didn't sense any lingering hard feelings or nasty vengeful attitude. You sound like, "Thanks, but I'm good. Pass the butter please." With a genuine smile and a clear intent to move on.

If you call her, if you speak with her face to face, if you sound uncertain or offer any further explanation (thinking that you're telling her off)...you will be opening the door for this to be discussed. If you truly want this to be the end of it, send your message (minus the "because" sentence), and let that be it. If somewhere inside you long to talk about it, acknowledge that and seek out a trustworthy confidant(-e). Don't be ashamed, and don't isolate yourself.

I have also struggled with body image and eating issues throughout my teen/adult years. After working on it for years and years... still comes back to bite me (or not bite as the case may be), especially when things are stressful. As someone who has also been down that path (like others here), I understand that when someone mentions ANYTHING about your body, weight, looks or what you eat/don't eat (even in a flattering or observational way) it makes you incredibly uncomfortable and immediately self-conscious. When we feel that way, we find ourselves defending/explaining/avoiding... lots of different coping strategies none of which are particularly productive.

Having said that, I would eliminate the second paragraph entirely. It's not necessary and deflects her message which wasn't meant to be commentary on your looks, but a concern for your health. The second paragraph comes off as "snotty" (just being honest).

Use the first paragraph. Nothing more. In this case... if you value the friendship than less truly is more.