Found Out Husband Slept with Someone Else While We Were Dating.

Hi C.,

Ditto what the other two have said!!! I bet he wishes he could go back and not do this...if that helps at all...

hormones are in control of you....& you need to let go. You are imagining a situation where none exists.

Find a babysitter & get out of the house. Or take the kids with you. Sounds like you need a "ladies night"!

Soooo, did he tell you....or did you find out from someone else? If someone else told you, perhaps you need to look at that person's motive. Just saying....

If we had agreed to be exclusive, even if we weren't engaged, then I would be pissed, and quite likely pissed enough to leave over it.
If it happened before we decided to be exclusive, then he didn't break any promises because none had yet been made - no harm, no foul.

Everyone has a past. Leave the past in the past and move on.

You have a family and your priority should be your family. He has been a good father and husband, why uproot your family over something in the past?

Your youngest is 4 weeks and your hormones are still crazy. Don't let the hormones make you do something crazy like lose your family. Hang in there and look toward the positive future with your family.

Check out this site. http://survivinginfidelity.com/welcome.asp
Even though it has been years since he cheated and you were dating the information still hurts and that is normal. The above site will have people who will be helpful and more than understanding.

I am so sorry to hear that. I'm sure that makes you feel terrible. I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you, but I wish you all the best in dealing with your feelings and figuring things out!

C.,

I am so sorry! I am sending you a virtual hug---:) I know news like this is beyond horrible to hear. The best piece of advice I can tell you is to journal, journal, journal about it. Write out all your feelings and don't be suprised if you go through all five stages of grief around this. This was a huge breach of trust and your husband owes you a heartfelt apology. Tell your husband that you don't know how to feel about this and that however you feel, he needs to support you and love you through it. Hang in there and get some time for just you. Pass the baby on to your hubby and go out alone for a few hours. Take care---M

So sorry. It was a long time ago, you have a life together now. If this was early in your relationship, please think of how your life has grown since then. Go to couples therapy if you must. Hugs and good luck

How did you find out, and why now? Did he tell you? Depending on the circumstances of "how" you found out, could explain why it's bothering you so much.

If it came up in casual conversation because you were talking about people you've dated in the past, forgive and forget. Everyone has a past. You probably have one too. No point in being angry about past lovers. In the end, you chose each other and that's what matters.

If it came up because he's been talking with this person again, or never lost contact with her, or he's been thinking about her...then you've got problems.

Whatever the situation, if he was stupid enough to bring it up after you just gave birth to a baby (hormones are on over drive so of course you're going to be feeling threatend)...he deserves what he gets and you absolutely have the right to request a full discussion about it, and a you have a right to vent. Tell him your feelings, get it on the table, forgive him and then get over it. Dwelling is counter-productive.

If however, you find he's cheating emotionally or physically with her in anyway get marital counseling and take it from there.

ouch, I am sure this has happened to many and it may continue in your mind for awhile. I am sure his reasoning was (as so many people are prone to think-)or say- well, I wasn't married. So, examine what is now: you have three daughters whom you love, a husband whom you love, and your baby is just 4 weeks old. Yes, unless he is a serial cheater you have my permission to forgive him and move on. Might not be everyone's thinking but it is mine. And believe me that came from years of thinking. And being married: twice. You see also, he loves you but from what my husband describes and I still don't get it, really, but have to kind of accept it is that while lots of us may fall in love men can just go find some skanky you know what and do you know what because it is a physical thing and they don't need to be in love. I suppose some women are like that, too, but I'm not really or lots of us women went to bed with people years ago because we thought the guy actually cared about us. I have since learned lots more. so, if you can, because you have a little family and it sounds nice, is forgive him. You really don't need an extra woman in your house.

Well, you are rather hormonal right now, so the news is a bit harder to deal with.
On the other hand, he had options and guess what - you won! - he picked you to spend his whole life with and raise a family! - and he dropped the losers.
I had several suitors before I married.
It bothers my husband a little bit but in my prime - I was darn desirable and he had some competition.
I picked the best man - the best mate - for me and our future.
I tell him - "Relax, Honey! You won first prize. I chose you and the other guys lost.".
The two of you picked each other of all the other people you had in your lives.
This is nothing to be upset about - the past is in the past and your family is happy and just grown a bit larger.
You'll feel better once you are a bit less sleep deprived.

Why did someone tell you this after all this time? I don't think it's something to end the marriage over, if that truly was the only time and things are otherwise good with you two. BUT I would be furious too! Then I'd try to find a way to get over it. It might take awhile. Honor your feelings for awhile until it's not so raw...if you just swallow it, you might feel a lot of resentment later.

And take some time for yourself and be alone for patches of time while you're healing.

Great advice from these gals! BUT I would add. Be angry, be mad and work it out the way you need to. Journal, write out a scathing letter (then burn it).Exercise all your personal demons on this situation. It is OK to be mad as Heck . . . .
but then, calm down, take all the other great suggestions from other posters to heart - especially the "leave the past in the past" and move on enjoying your life and your family and don't skewer your hubby with this every time he disapoints you, etc. don't pull this card out again:)
((hugs))

Take a deep breath and a hot shower. I understand the feelings and agree hormones and all that have a BIG part to play in what you are feeling right now. He may have had sex with her but he MARRIED you, meaning 1) not only was the sex probably a horrible disappointment and he probably immediately realized that the grass isn't greener but 2) he was in LOVE and made a really terrible mistake. Take pity on the man. To know you cheated on the woman you've built a life with before you were married? Ugh. Such guilt. And for something that I'll guarantee you wasn't worth it?

When my husband and I were dating, (we dated for a long time), he broke up with me because this girl he had a thing for for a LONG time called him up and wanted to get together. He ended up going out with her, probably had sex with her and called me the next week saying he had made a horrible mistake she was horribly boring and there was zero chemistry.

This is a different lifetime, now. You have a deeper connection with your husband than ANYONE else on the planet has to him and that's a BEAUTIFUL thing. Tuck that away in your heart and know that you are worth WAY more than any cheap encounter with any woman out there.

Well the past is the past and it was before you were a couple. You can't change the past and it was his past not yours. Have you not done something that you were not proud of? There may be a few skeletons in your closet that are not so good either.

Let it go and move on. He did marry you and has children with you whom he loves. If he didn't want to be married to you he would not have married you. Men are weird or strange in the way they feel/think about the mother of their children and women in general.

So stop beating yourself up and live and love for the future.

The other S.

Your marriage - are you commited or involved?

For example - in your breakfast, the pig was commited (ham), the chicken was merely involved (egg).

with a new baby of course your emotions are not your friend, either. i say grit your teeth, get through the next few weeks, and let things settle down a bit. of COURSE it's upsetting.

thing to remember though, is are you 100% certain he hasn't since? that's the big thing for me. if you can say that honestly, then you just have this shock and temporary setback to deal with. (doesn't make it hurt less, i know) but if there are doubts then that is where the real trouble will start. it will seriously eat away at you.

just turn TO him, not away from him. i hope that he feels really terrible about this and will be willing to be your support through this. that would go a long way, with me.

Wow. Everyone makes mistakes but that is a big one. Like others have said, you have to keep reminding yourself that you were the one chosen - you were the one who won. Be the kind of wife that your husband will always want to come home to and you will never have to wonder or worry.

Do not dwell on this. Do not ask questions. Do not make it any clearer in your mind. Every time it pops into your mind, tell yourself out loud (if nobody is around) that he still chose you. Then go do something for him that will remind him that he made the right choice.

You will only feel crazy and sick to your stomach if you keep dwelling on the negative. Pull out your wedding album. Get some more photos of the two of you printed, framed and hung. Plan a hot date with your guy (even if it is in your bedroom after the kids have gone to bed). Put all of that negative energy into your marriage.

Was he drunk? Not to make excuses for him, but so many of us have done stupid, stupid things in that condition. Has he proved trustworthy so far? He married you and that is what matters. It would have been the best ever if I had remained a virgin until I was married, but the fact is, is that I wasn't unfortunately. Leave the past where it is and focus on the present, which sounds wonderful. :) Whenever your mind goes back, just keep pushing it out and maybe you can write down a few things that you are presently grateful for. Blessings to you and your family.

I am sorry, I am sure is a tough thing to digest.
This happen last night and I hope you can call a friend today and go for a talk.
What did your husband said? Did he apologize and recognize he did wrong but let you know is all in the pass?
We all make mistakes, I don't know the status of your marriage now, but I will like to think that you guys were doing good until you find out about this.
Put all in a balance, we all can make mistakes some times, has he made the balance in all these years go in his favor?
If so, talk to him, let him know how you feel, how can he help you to move on and then if he is worth it, then really move on and don't look back at this, don't bring it on fights.
Hope this is soon let in the pass and you can keep forward with you loving family.

I didn't read all the answers but liked B's. I agree! Look at it this way - you won! He married you! I found out a couple of years ago I guess my husband was still kind of dating when we were and I'm pretty sure sleeping with at least one other woman but I just look at him and shrug and say, well, I had other options too. Obviously you made the right choice. I like feeling like he wasn't desperate and married me bc there was no one else! And I think reminding him of that actually makes him appreciate me more. There's a reason he married you vs this woman. Be proud! There was a guy I was very tempted by too when I was dating my husband for quite awhile and knowing I stuck with my husband and am glad actually is beneficial. You are likely super super tired and hormonal now so be upset if you want and talk to a friend. But in the back of your mind, know you can and will get over this.

This is tough to face -- even though it happened before you were married, so it's not technically "cheating", it still *feels* like cheating, doesn't it?

Had he committed to being exclusively with you, or did you just assume he was being exclusive, with you not dating anyone else? You see, he may not register it as "cheating" (even though that's how your heart feels), because he didn't assume exclusivity (at least on his part; I doubt he would have been happy had you dated and/or slept with someone else). So, even though it would have changed your actions at the time (you say you probably wouldn't have married him, and I don't say I blame you!), the fact is, you *are* married to him now, and unless he has cheated on you since you were married, even though you're hurting, he hasn't done anything worthy of you divorcing him.

My husband is several years older than I, and was not raised to be particularly "conservative" shall we say (though I daresay he was a lot less "active" than the average guy today is!), though after he became a Christian, he didn't sleep with anyone or hardly even date anybody -- for ten years before we got married. And although I knew that before we got married, it didn't bother me much until we did get married (I was a virgin until our wedding night). Before, it was sort of mental assent that, yes, this did happen, but it's no big deal, right? Afterward, I had the same thoughts that torment you, about his past girlfriends, faceless girls from the past, imagining *them* with him as only I should have been. Talk about jealousy, anger, resentment -- all sorts of negative emotions, heartache, and heartbreak!

I would say that as much as you can, put it out of your mind because it is in the past (unless you drag it out into the present, and beat your husband over the head with what he can't change, which will only make you look like an unforgiving harpy and make his past girlfriends look better in comparison), and focus on the present and the future. It won't be easy, but it is necessary. It may take some time, but every time those thoughts crop up, just say to yourself, "No, I will *not* think about that!" and force yourself to think of something else.

You also say you're 4 weeks postpartum, so you still probably have some pregnancy hormones hanging around, and post-pregnancy hormone fluctuation happening, so be aware that these can affect your thoughts and moods, and DO NOT MAKE ANY WEIGHTY DECISIONS AT THIS TIME, especially permanent ones. Give yourself six months, and during these next six months, work on putting it out of your mind *every* time it comes up in your mind. It *will* get easier.

It's in the past. You've got to forgive him, and until you do, it'll be a cancer growing inside you. It's like a bag of rocks you'll carry around - doing NO GOOD, just being a burden. You've got to drop the bag and you'll feel sooo much better.
You may want to look at the motives of the person telling you. Did they want to break you up? Was it your husband confessing? Was it just someone trying to hurt you? Let it go - it'll only keep festering and causing a chism between you. NONE of you needs that.
It was before you were married - let it GOOOOOOOOO.

My dad did exactly the same thing to my mom when they were dating. I have a 1/2 brother that's 7 yrs. older than me. My parents got married in May of '59 and my brother was born in Sept. of '59. She forgave him and they are still married to this day. Hope this helps you feel a little better.

Updated

Will keep you all in my prayers.

=( I'm sorry. I know many people will J. look at you like you're crazy and say it's all in the past, which it is, but for you it may feel like it happened yesterday since thats when you found out.
My story was much diferent I found out through letters my ex saved that I wasnt his one and only and he was with someone the whole time we were dating. There was some proof that it continued after we were married and had our daughter...letters but nothing else, although he admitted he was never in love. To this day some of my family still says I overreacted and that it was all in the past, but for M. it felt like I was lied to for 14 years..like everything was fake.
I think your sittuation is a lot diferent if it was a one time thing and not a full blown affair. I think you should go to counseling or have a weekend away and really talk and reconnect and let all of the emotions out..I'm sure he's felt guilty for years about it. For him you knowing may be a relief but for you , you have to grieve and get over it, and not hold it over his head. I would say use this to grow closer together instead of apart. You can come out stronger if you're both in it for good. Also he should be sorry and trying to make it up and be sweet to you. IMO he should realize even though it was years ago for him it J. happened for you.

Goodluck=)