My husband and I have been together for 8 years, and his 12 year old son has always lived with us full time. We now also have a 2 1/2 year old daughter. I do not have stepparents, so I need some practical advice from other women who have gone through it too. I have always treated my stepson the same way I would treat any other child of mine. I do have expectations that he does his part to help around the house, but he does not have many chores compared to most kids. I have always felt free to correct him, or to ask things of him, but ultimately, the big punishments have always come from Dad. We have gotten along really well until recently.
At this point in time, he seems to hate me. All his aggression is directed at me. He does not say hello or goodbye. He did not invite me to his first skateboarding competition today. I have gone to EVERY event in his life for the last 8 years. Even ones that NOONE else made it to. I jumped into this wholeheartedly. Now, I cannot even ask him (politely) to clean up his mess in the kitchen without him arguing that it was not his. I am giving up on even being able to ask him to do the simplest things for me. He pushes me out of the way on the stairs when I am walking my toddler down the stairs. I understand that 12 year olds are generally a pain in the butt, but he does not treat anyone else as bad as he treats me. My husband is very supportive of me, but he is caught in the middle. I do not want to put anymore on him, he just wants a family that gets along. Or even just one that can do things without conflict, once in a while.
I am at a breaking point. I have an autoimmune disease that has left me unable to walk, and sick many hours of the day. I know that some of the responsibility falls on me, because when he acts this way, I get very upset, and I end up yelling at him. But I do not start out yelling, I just get pushed there. Once he pisses me off, it is very hard for me to be nice. I am beginning to resent him, and I do not want this at all. I guess I am really hurt, because I am the one who has been there for him, and his Mom has not. But he adores her, and hates me.
I guess I am wondering from you seasoned veterans, where did you draw the line with your stepkids? How do I remove myself from the discipline, but still not feel like a doormat? What level of respect can I ask from him, and what is my job as the adult to swallow and let go? And how do you let it go when you want to scream at them? I know we need counseling, but that will take time. What tips do you have in the meantime. I do not want to hate him, but I am getting closer everyday.
Please, any advice will be greatly appreciated.
I would treat him the same as you have been. Post a list of rules and consequences. They apply to everyone.
(Try to be flattered--he's not singling you out--he just sees you as the often-under-appreciated mom in his life!)
Hi, Erin, I've been a stepmom for almost 30 years, 25 officially (after we got married). Our 5 kids were between 8 and 13 when we got together, so we went down this road in spades. First off, don't take it personally. The worst behavior is always at home, because it's a safe place to be a jerk and still have people love you.That doesn't mean there shouldn't be consequences for bad behavior. As far as discipline, you are in fact the mom. Dad can't be there all the time, and if you have no authority, you have no respect. You said you feel like a doormat---well, you're acting like one. A parent isn't there to make friends or be liked, so stop tiptoeing around. I say have a family meeting (with the little one asleep) and make house rules. The 3 of you decide what the rules will be, and then you all decide what the punishment will be for breaking each rule. Spell it out in black and white. Then when he breaks a rule, he knows what the consequence is. No yelling, no drama, no negotiating. Everything he has and everywhere he goes besides school is a privilege, and if he doesn't want to treat others with respect, then he will have food, clothing, and a bed, nothing more until he earns it. A teenage will sit in a room stripped of all entertainment and not be bothered, just to get your goat. Add chores for breaking the rules---housecleaning, picking up dog poop, washing the car, whatever. Keep him busy instead of bored. This isn't about you or him, it's about the whole family, and you all have to have a part in making it work better. Good luck, and get into counseling asap, all of you together.
For starters, why are you asking how to treat a step-son after you have spent the first 1/2 of your letter saying that you treat this boy like a true son. Keep doing that. Yes, this is normal. Twelve year old boys are GROSS! And it may not get much better for awhile. In my experience boys pick on their Mom's the most. I think it is a combination of trying to be independent (hence Mommy's are embarrassing reminders of the child in you) and knowing that Mom will love you no matter what you say or do. I would take his behavior toward you as a borderline compliment because I am not a step mom and my boys did similar yucky stuff to me.
Here is my advice:
Grow tougher skin. Ignore what you can and Pick your battles.
Avoid anger as much as you can. It only stokes the fire.
Apply appropriate consequences.
I could go on, but the "Love and Logic" books explain it best. Grab a copy. It will really help.
I'm sorry. It hurts, but he doesn't hate you. He loves you. He is not comfortable in his own skin and you are a safe target. Hang in there. By the time he hits 20 things should turn around.
Is it possible that this has come up since the new baby came? He could be afraid that his new sister is taking his place in your heart. A friend of mine recently brought a new baby home and her older daughter told her dad that "mommy doesnt love me anymore because she has a new baby."
On another note, my husband's stepsisters and brother have only recently started accepting his mother in their life, after almost 15 years. The final straw for one sister was when she realized her real mother didn't even know her daughter's name. I wish I had more advice for you, but I'm not a step mom, i'm just sharing other stories. I hope some other mommas can give better advice and it can get better for you.
In many ways he sounds like a typical 12-year-old. Many of them become "haters" of their parents. My daughter's friend (12) doesn't want to be seen with her mother (bio mom not step) and they fight constantly about stupid things and she is just embarrassed by her mom and every single thing she does. I know other families with similar problems, and it seems to aways end in yelling and hurt feelings. It is an awful stage sometimes -- these pre-teen and teen years. I would say keep loving him and expecting him to treat you with respect. Develop a thick skin and pray that this stage will pass. It usually does.
Since he has lived with you for 8 years he IS your kid. Treat him NO differently. And NO hubby is not in the middle, you are both his parents. He should tell him to respect you as he would say it of the bio mom. He is 12 and frankly they are all hateful at this age. You need to put your foot down and say, I get it this is a transition time for you , you are entering your teens, you want to be independent and you want to be a grown up, except that you aren't yet. I expect you to complete your chores and to speak to me and treat me in a kind manner. I have cared and loved you for 8 years and DO NOT deserve this treatment. Also Your hubs must stand up and you two are on the same page and give your SS a strong front.
I feel for you. I was a stepmom for 10 years and my stepson treated me very similarly, except it was like that from the get go. My stepson was only 6 when I entered his life and I think he still had the misguided notion that his mom and dad would someday get back together. At first, I didn't do any of the discipline when it came to him, I always let his dad handle it. I tried to be his friend and even went out of my way to do nice things for/with him.
I grew up with a stepmom and I remember how much I resented her being my parent so I tried to avoid that trap. Eventually, my stepson pushed me to the point where I couldn't take his disrespect another second. I had to establish that in my house I was a person of authority.
I seem to remember that it was right around the age of 12 that things finally came to a head. I was pregnant with my 3rd child and we had him for the summer (mom shipped him off to us because she was pregnant too and he was having some behavior issues at home as well).
You have a right to expect your stepson to treat you with at least courtesy. While you may have been the acting mother in his life at this stage he is not going to see that and probably won't till he is much older.
Just like with any teenagers (mine included) it is not unreasonable to expect him to clean up after himself, say excuse me, please and thank you just as you would expect from any stranger on the street. Tell him that he doesnt have to love you or even like you but you deserve to be respected in your own home.
Remember teens and even pre-teens go through this stage where their parents are aliens from another planet and the last thing they want to do is recognize that we are people with feelings and deserving of respect.
I agree that for all practical purposes, you are your step-son's "mom," having taken so much responsibility for him, and having been a primary authority figure for most of his life. I suspect that your self-labeling as "step" parent figures into your relationship with him, in that you may be allowing him to get away with more disrespect than you might if you were his birth mom. I don't think you have to do that.
But his behavior is really pretty typical for the age – big changes, hormones, stress, anxiety, new interests, confusion, and peer pressures all figure prominently in the life of an adolescent, and they can lose their bearings (translate that as "go a little crazy") for a few years.
I don't think you should remove yourself from discipline, but it may help if you can see it as teaching/leading/helping rather than punishing. Rather than crack down hard on him to try to regain control, which has the unfortunate effect with many adolescents of simply driving a bigger wedge between you, I strongly suggest you read a most wonderful book called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. The techniques are sensible and mutually respectful, will help improve communication and understanding, and I think you'll be amazed at how quickly the stress levels in your relationship will be reduced.
I used techniques like these when I tutored at-risk high-school kids for a few years, and they really helped these young people find the will to get their own behavior under better control, without a heavy-handed adult trying to "make" them accept responsibility. Good stuff – and it's easy to start implementing.
You must remember you are not his mom, and can not discipline him. Only his dad can.
Tell your husband it is his job to make his son have manners even when he is not present. It is unacceptable to mistreat you. If your husband has trouble choosing between you and his misbehaving son, remind him that he married you and teaching his son manners is good for him.
No, if, ands, or buts!
Sometimes being a parent is no fun at all. It must be all the more painful and difficult to deal with because of your health struggles. Try to emotionally disengage. I know it's easier said than done but reacting to his bad behavior by yelling just gives him justification for treating you badly. It's twisted logic but hey, he's twelve.
I second the recommendation on the book below and also suggest the sequel..."How to talk so your teens will listen and listen so your teens will talk?.
