First Birthday - Morton Grove, IL

Hi L....

First let me just say how sorry I am that you are going through this. Even under the best of circumstances, divorce is ugly.

I went through it 13 years ago. My ex was unfaithful and walked out on me and our then 7 WEEK OLD son. The divorce took about 2 years to finalize. Even though he cheated and left, I was the one who had to file (a very common scenario, I understand) and then he tried to get full custody (he didn't). I don't know the circumstances of your situation, and no matter how similar, they are all different because people are different.

I agree that you need a network of friends and family for support. I would suggest a few people rather than a bunch and stay far away (if you can) from those individuals who are discouraging, even if they mean well. Smile, nod and walk away.

I would also suggest a support group type situation. Not necessarily counceling, but a small group, or single mom group. I became a Christian during that time and I was involved in a single parent Bible study that was a great encouragement.

I also have some thoughts/suggestions regarding being a single mom with such a little guy. It is a very different situation than with older kids. My son never knew mom and dad to live together, and while he adjusted in some respects quite well, there were other areas that I am STILL dealing with the repercussions of...the biggest of these being that it was just him and I for 6 years, and I often would come home from work and tell him about my day or get his input on dinner etc. Well, without realizing it, I was setting the stage for him to think he was on the same level as me. Imagine how that went over when I remarried! It felt like there were 3 persons in the marriage. I cannot tell you how many times the words "YOU ARE THE CHILD" have come out of my mouth! There are also some strong selfish issues (his dad is a "Disneyland Dad" with no clue about responsibility) so my kid just doesn't get it that we don't always get what we want, because at Daddy's, he does.

Anyway, I really feel for you and I hope I have helped. If you want to "talk more", or even just vent or unload, feel free to email me back. If I think of anything else, I'll reply again :-) Hang in there...it WILL get better and you are not alone...

L.,
I am so sorry you are going through this. It is hard enough without it having to take so long. Was it yor decision or his? I am guessing yours and he does not want it right? Just because you said it is going to take a while.

The only thing I can say is be strong. You are obviously doing the right thing, and the good thing is, it is happening when your child is only 9 mths and will not remember any of the gory details ya know? Keep your chin up. I am thinking about you during this hard time.

S. Bailey CLD
Aurora
www.tendermomentsdoula.com

L. - I've been through that - and have 2 boys -ages 4 and 7. I work fulltime - and had to learn to juggle it all by myself. Yes the guilt gets to you - but if the home environment isn't stable and volatile - it's a bad environment for the baby to be in. As I told my boys when we went through the divorce - it's better to have 2 happy homes than to have mommy and daddy living together and everyone is sad; mad or whatever the situation was. feel free to email me directly - at " ____@____.com " if you would like to chat more.

Good luck - and hang in there - it's tough and takes a while for it to get easier - emotionally. But if you hang in there - you'll be a better mother in the long run!

P.

Do not let the gulit of your sitaution bring you down. This was the first lesson that I had to learn when my ex left me. He was unfatihful and yet i listend to people when they said that it was all my fault. It takes two people to get a divorce.

1) When going for a visitation agreement get one COMPLETELY spelled out in the divorce decree and stick to it. No devations. Have holidays, vacations etc all put in there. Because your child is so small dayvisits work best. Have a medaition clause for when there are disputes in the vistiaon agreement.

2) Keep a journal of your child's behavior after visits with the other parent and through out the week. This will kind of give you clues when something is just not right with your child. just a few quick notes statign the facts leave out your emotions.

3) Settle all money issues via the divorce decree and stick with that as well

4) Always be the mature one. Never tear down your ex in fromt of your child. Your child is learning from you how to handle stress and anger and respect.

5) Do not ever think it is your fault when you ex and this happens a lot for the first couple of years when he shows little intrest in your child. It has been an on and off gain intrest that a lot of non custodial faters show. From other single parents I learned this is pretty common for Dads to do. They go from not seeing them at all to being Disney Dads.

6) Do not get remarried with in the first two years after your divorce there are healing issues that need to happen for you and an adjustment for your child no matter how small he is. I have seen a lot of my single parent friends rush into antoher marriage just to be going through a divorce again because there were still a lot of issues. This advise actually came from national satitcis the longer you stay out of marriage the more chances the 2nd one will actually work.

7) Set aside at least one night where homework waits until after child's bed. I work full time and go to school at least 3/4 time in the spring and fall semesters. It is hard on my daughter but she understands now that I go to school and work to make our lives better. The one night a week helps us reconnect. There are tons of other things that you can do to stay connected through out the week. ust notcing a pretty picture that my daughter has done makes her feel I am still with it.

8) Be open and honest remind your child now even though he is small that you love him and he had nothing to do with your split. I have never told my daughter that her father cheated but she understands that there were disagreements. Belive they ask as early as two why Mommy and Daddy are not together. Elmo helped here there was a show about the diff. types of families and that all are speacil. I can't remeber the title.

9) Find a support group that you can trust. I have one through my church and as well as for awhile Parents without Partners.

10) Get a few books and workbooks on life after divorce. See a consulor when you are feeling overwhelmed. Some churches consulors for free. There is Divorce Maginzine for single parents and Parents without Partners mag. too for on the go reading. There are also a ton of books on the single parenting.

11) Keep the ex's family involved with your child. My ex's parents have been great about taking my daughter to give me a break!!!

I know I wrote a book but the main thing is remember you ar not alone. I still don;t know it all or have as nearly the handle that I would like on this whole single parenting thing! It will seem like that a lot you are alone in this all. When you are feeling like this reach out. Please feel free to drop an email any time ____@____.com

I am so sorry to hear that you have to deal with something like this...it's a hard situation no matter what the circustances. I divorced my daughter's father when she was 2 years old and it was very hard...financially, mentally and it took a physical toll on me as well.

One thing that may be a little bit of comfort is the fact hat you son is so young so at least he will grown up with his situation being at least some what normal versus if he were older.

My daughter, who is now going to be 8 adjusted well to our divorce, she knew that both mom and dad lived separately becasue while we still both loved her we couldn't live together because we didn't get along.

The only advice I can give, which worked for me was #1 always keep your family and dearest friends close, they will be your greatest source of strength when things seem to much to handle and #2 no matter how much you ex and you may disagree or just not get along...don't let your son see it, even as a baby...and I think this is the hardest part for any parent going through a divorce becasue sometimes is so hard to not show our feelings even if they are negative.

I wish you all the luck in getting through this tough time and I wish you a much stregth as you need to deal with all the obstacles ahead of you...if you ever want someone to talk too...shoot me a message, I'd be happy to listen!

S.

Hi L.,

I haven't been through a divorce, however I'm not sure it isn't in the cards. My husband and I have been having a hard time for the last year or two and it suddenly occurred to us that we are on the brink. We will be going for counseling soon and hopefully we are able to work things out.

The reason that I'm responding however is to encourage you to follow through with what you feel is right and best in your heart. You see, I lived through my parents very emotionally and verbally abusive marriage. My father was just a horrible human and my mom, although she cared deeply for me, felt I needed a father in my daily life and decided to stay married. I believe she was also scared to be on her own. It wasn't until I left at age 18 that my mom followed me and eventually got divorced.

While I would never want anything different from my childhood, as it's what made me who I am today and got me to move from AZ to IL where I met my husband, I would never make the same mistakes my mom made. That is why my husband and I are going to be going to counseling. Because if we can't make it work and get back to good, a happy couple again and happy people, then neither of us believe in subjecting our kids to the daily stress and tension, even if it kills us inside to break apart their family. I just hope it doesn't come to that.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but I'm sure you're doing what's best for your son. As far as specific advise on how to handle this, I don't have any. But I'm sure there are lots of other moms who can shed some light in this area. Take care and good luck.

~Jen

Dear L., I just signed up this morning and saw your post and thought I would offer some advice.

Most importantly is that you learn from the mistakes, make sure the new people in your sons life are "worthy" of his affections. Try to do the best to build your own self esteem and that will carry on to him.

Many children suffer from divorce but I sometimes believe they are stronger people having gone through it. Be his rock, his teacher, his friend but most of all always be his spirit. The relationship you will build with him will be lasting and wonderful.

Good luck and remember to take it one day at a time and DON'T sweat the small stuff, not worth the time, the energy or the pain. You are a woman and you can do this and do it well.

Best of Luck! L. :-)

I went through a similar situation in November 2004. At the time my children were 7 and 3. I work full time and they had to change schools and leave their friends. It was hard at first. Believe me, your son will thank you later. I have noticed such great changes in my daughters' attitudes. They are happier. They don't have to listen to fighting (even though I tried not to fight in front of them). They don't have their dad yelling at them anymore. My older daughter now knows that it's better that mom and dad don't live together. Just give your son nice peaceful surroundings and love and he will be the happiest child around. Also, try to include his father in events as he gets older. That way he knows that both of his parents love him. They just couldn't live together. I hope this helps. Just my two cents.

I was in your shoes but my son was 3 months old. It was the hardest thing but you know you have to do whats best for YOUS'! I got into counceling and it HELPED me alot. The worsest thing about my situation is my Ex was a rotten human being during our divorce. Then at the end of the whole thing since he figured out nothing he was accusing me of was true and he wasn't going to win he GAVE UP ALL HIS RIGHTS to his SON. I was more heartbroken that this man would take it out on his son like this. Its been 4 years now and I COULDN'T be more HAPPIER. I found a wounderful man who I am marring Sep.2,2006 (next week) and he is going to adopt him.