Fighting with Grandparents

I suggest that when they go over, you go over there and be there with them. Then bring them back home when you get ready to leave. That way you are there to discipline and correct bad behavior. Also you are there to prevent them from teaching them the wrong things.
That is the only way you have to do it. That way they see them and they do not learn bad habits. When they are older, the foundation will be there for them to deal with it themselves

Goodluck.

I would not let him go over there anymore until they comply. Is grandpa drinking while he is there??

First, if there is a lot of drinking going on, he shouldn't be there. Perhaps restricting visits to mornings would help. If there is drinking in the mornings already, then he definitely shouldn't be there.

Second, if they are not taking your calls, then problem solved, for now. Don't allow yourself to feel punished for taking proper care of your kids.

Third, consider a "we" approach. "We have noticed John is having some trouble, and we are taking certain steps at home to fix it. We would really appreciate if you could help us by enforcing these rules in your house too." If they don't think you are blaming them, and it is an across the board enforcement, then they might feel like you are really asking them to be part of the process and help. If they still won't help, then you should consider not taking your son there except for visits when you and your spouse are present.

Fourth, at three, your son can probably grasp that if he behaves a certain way, then certain consequences will occur. Make this his problem, too. Kindly make clear that if he yells and kicks when you pick him up, then he won't be able to go again for a week, or whatever.

If I make this sound simple, I admit it is not. Been there, done that, etc. But you get to be in charge of how your kids are raised. Also, if these are your husband's folks, you need to get him to bear this stress and ask his parents to get on board with the program. Good Luck!

Dear N.,
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. One thing I've learned in life is we teach people how to treat us. If you give in, you are telling the grandparents it's okay how they are acting. It is not your problem if they do not take your suggestions well, as long as they were given in a spirit of love and concern for your son. The grandparents are grown ups and they are not the child's parents. They need to respect your wishes and not allow the child to get away with anything. It confuses your son. Children love and need consistency. I feel you are right to set boundaries with the grandparents. If they cannot agree to your rules and your wishes, they are forfeiting their right to see the grandson alone. No child should be subjected to a Grandpa that drinks either. That activity alone will make Grandpa's moods inconsistent and lead to an unhappy child. If Grandma is a total pushover, your child will come to disrespect her and that isn't a good scenario either. This is a rough situation, but if it were me, I'd stick to my guns. This is your child. You get to decide who is an influence on him and who is not. Do it in a loving way and not as a martyr and they will see you are doing what's best for the boy. Good luck! B.

N.,
There are alarms bells here. If we are talking about a 3 year old that normally behaves well, but not after visiting his grandparents then I would say something is off. I would have to agree with your husband. If you would like your Grandparents to visit with your child then you should be there with him to keep an eye on things. You cannot make your grandparents change, but it is your job to protect your child from whatever it is that upsets him. You are a good mom to be concerned, and a good grandaughter to consider your grandparents. Don't give up grandma and grandpa, but stick around when you visit and stay by your child. If it is a babysitter you need, then try and find someone that will do as you ask when it comes to dealing with your son.

Hi N.,

I wanted to let you know that I think that Stacey gave incredible advice.

Also, let the grandparents own their behavior. I had a mother-in-law that would tell the kids that she loved them and would go anywhere to see them. We finally had to quit telling them when she was coming until she was in town (she would flake out at the last minute) and we had to lay down the law (don't make promises you can't keep, etc). Anyway, you should definitely sit down (you and your husband) and in a neutral way discuss your concerns with the grandparents when they are on "speaking terms" with you again.

Good luck!

I think your son is telling you in the only way he knows how that he doesn't feel safe over there. The drinking and lack of "discipline" (which may really mean your son is being ignored and not interacted with) are serious problems, as is the fact that they don't respect your own views. The fact that they are ignoring your phone calls is even more disturbing. That is foolish, childish, and potentially dangerous. Now that the battle lines have been drawn, your child will definitely not be in the best environment if he is left alone with them. Why is this so important to you? I would start inviting the grandparents to come over for dinner, meet at the park, walk around the mall...whatever you can come up with that brings all of you together. That way, they see their grandchildren, and they also see how you and your husband interact with the kids. Your children see your grandparents with you, which is important in helping them understand context for who these people really are and why you want to to spend time with them. But overall, they sound like very immature, perhaps unsafe, people to leave children with. You have to decide what is really important here, which is your child's emotional and physical safety, and your and your husband's views on behavior, and draw a line (nicely). If the grandparents can't respect that, then you try to find something that works for everyone without compromising your children or yourself and husband. If that doesn't work, then sadly, they have just removed themselves from your family. It's all a choice. Best wishes.

You may want to write a letter to the grandparents and begin by expressing your love for them and listing the wonderful things about them, and why your appreciate your relationship.

Then tell them how much you want those same benefits for your children. Acknowledge that you know you have a different parenting approach than they do, but you feel certain this is the best way for YOU to parent YOUR children. Because you know how important it is for children to have consistent teaching in their early years, you want that for your children.

Because you have different parenting approaches AND your children need consistency, you are going to stay with the children when they go to visit the grandparents. This way everyone benefits and you are not demanding your values be taught by them.

Thank them and apologize for not seeing the issue more clearly before. Tell them you're sure they will understand you are just trying to be the very best mother possible.

If this doesn't work, then very limited and supervised time with the grandparents may be the only answer.

Do NOT compromise your values---you are doing the right thing for your children!

With drinking and lack of discipline being issues, it goes without saying that you ARE doing the right thing by not letting them go over there. Children are too impressionable.
Your husband is right. For right now the kids shouldnot be going over there. Let them know either by voice message or my mail since they aren't talking to you (or a surprise visit by you or you and hubby) that theyare more than welcome to come over to your house and visit with the kids but that the kids will not be coming over to their house until an agreement can be made on what is ok and what is not.
You have all the say so. How you raise them is your choice. Yes, Gram and Gramp should have some leeway (candy sometimes even tho mom said no) because that's the fun of them getting to go but when it comes to pressing issues like not making a child mind...that makes it hard on you. There is no need for you to put yourself in the position of having to start over with what is ok and whats not after every visit.
If they refuse then it tells you that what you say isn't important to them. Then you will know for sure to agree with your husband.
My dad thinks that my 1y/o should be able to face forward and that my 55lb 7 y/o should not need a booster. I told him flat out, this is how it is or they don't go with you. Period! He would risk me not letting the girls go places with him so he does what I ask and just sticks to giving me guff about it all the time. I'm okay with that.
Best of luck to you. Iknow standing up to family and holding your ground and risking them not talking to you is one of the worst feelings in the world. Believe me, I know first hand. My family has been that way since April when we moved away from them in Utah to move back to Dallas.
Just keep telling yourself that it is for the best interest for your children.
Best of luck to you.

It is difficult enough to deal with grandparents when they are not drinkers. I had to deal with a similar situation. My kids were not allowed to be near this grandparent without supervision. You are the parent. Are these your parents? If they are, then fine, you should be dealing with them. But, if not. Make sure your husband is dealing with the situation. Or else, you will be the horrible daughter in-law. You are doing the right thing. It is their choice. Don't feel guilty. You should not have bad influences around your chlildren. In our situations, it helped the grandparent understand that it was our way, or no way. Things are wonderful now! I still have issues, but not safety issues. Just typical mother in law stuff!!!! Stacey gave you absolutely great advice!!! Stay away!!!!

I agree with your husband. If your son isn't going to behave, then he doesn't get to go over there. If the grandparents want to 'pout' about it by ignoring your calls, then fine. Until they start listening to you about your parental views, then they have no one to blame for not seeing your son but themselves.

With the drinking going on, I personally wouldnt leave my kids alone with grandpa, but I think I would still visit. With that being said... the visits would be short and maybe not so often, I would stay and not just drop off my kids, and if the environment became one that I didnt want my kids to be in, I would pack up and leave. I know that I dont want my kids being aroung partying. I do also know its normal that some adults may have a drink and I dont see the harm in that.So its a matter how its all being carried out and your values. But you and your husband have to decide what you want your kids to be around and see as they are your children.
As for grandma, its kinda normal I think. My mom says that she loves being able to spoil the kiddos and not have to worry about discipline and teaching wrong from right. She says she dealt with it already raising her kids and now she doesnt have to. I will tell you at first it killed me and we did argue about it alot!! And my mom was letting my oldest run wild. It backfired on her though. And then as a few years rolled by and more grandkids came along she wisened up to an extent. At least the jumping on couches and beds has stopped, but Ice Cream even when you dont finish your dinner has not stopped. But I can deal with it. Also now that my son is older he has a smart mouth among other things and she is finally not allowing that.
Best of luck to you. If I you need to talk more,email.

K.

Dear N.,
Perhaps it would be a good idea to meet at a neutral location, like McDonald's play place or at a public park. Even some malls, like Stonebriar, have play areas.
That way you would not be at the gandparents' house. These visits could be short, an hour or so, allowing your children to see them in a fun setting.
Obviously at this point of their lives, your grandparents are not going to radically alter their behaviour just because you get upset, so you're going to have to decide between your children's welfare and their wishes to see them. People who "drink alot" and "don't believe in discipline" are not good examples for children and should have limited contact even if they are relatives.
If you have the courage to set some ground rules (and stick to them), you can continue to let your children see them occasionally, especially since the visits seem to have such a terrible effect on your son.
You need to ask yourself why you need to seek their approval over the welfare of your children. They need to come first.
Just pray about it and follow your heart.
Good luck!

Have you tried talking to a family councelor. I would speak with a councelor and see if there is any way you can have a 'group counceling' session. If the grandparents are not willing to follow your parenting rules, then I agree with your husband by not letting them see the kids. The reason is, you have the 'attitude' problem with the kids once they get home. Kids do not understand the difference from place to place, and the rules of each place. It is confusing for the child, and that is not fair to the child. The only other thing that you can do is go to the grandparents, you and your husband, without the kids, and sit down and talk to them. Discuss the issues and explain the ramifications of what happens once the child comes home. Maybe if you sit them down and explain then they will understand. Let them know how you feel, and that you want them to be a part of the kids lives but that you want certain 'rules' for the child followed. If they are unwilling to consent to your rules, then in my opinion, they do not really want to see the child. Good luck, and I will keep you in my prayers!

Maybe you guys should stay at the GP's house with your son and have shorter visits or meet in a public place. A 3 yr old is old enough to have talks with and explain that that behavior is not allowed. If that doesn't help, there are a lot of kids that don't get to see their Grandparents and vice versa. Question......if they aren't answering your phone calls, therefore don't see their grandson......What's the problem???? Hang in there, and don't let them stress you out. It will shorten your life, and make you an unhappy person. Get too busy to deal with them and relax some.

We didn't have drinking involved, but we've got a set of grandparents that do not discipline our son. We'd always have trouble with him after the visit and report of bad behavior during the visit. Once he bit Grandma and nothing was done. We disciplined at home of course, but Grandma played like it was no big deal!

We decided to pass up the confrontation and only let him go when we could stay too. One day they may bring up the question about why we never let him stay on his own, and we'll be honest. Right now it's working though. Grandma and Grandpa get to see the grandkids and we get to be the boss since we're there. Sure it's nice to have a free babysitter, but at what cost? My husband and I had to make our own decision about the situation. You've gotta make yours, too.

I have no problem saying:
Do not ever send your precious child to a situation where there is drinking involved and where the best interest of your child is not a priority. Maybe they can come to your house and visit but he should not be left alone and totally helpless with them.
Just because they are "grandparents" does not mean that certain rights are just a given. They have to tow the line. And who are they to not take your calls? That's not what a grandparent is. You never stop being a grandparent no matter how old your kid gets. I know how hard it is to come to grips that your family is not perfect. Everyone has their issues.

Your son is 3 years old. He sounds like he is coming home tired due to lack of structure. Please remember not to take any mean things he says personally. Its just his way of testing his boundries. Always keep your cool and be the calm voice of reason. Be very consistant with time outs etc and he will get it. He is the innocent one in all this.
good luck

Im all about Family closeness... but in your situation you might just have to cut off the grandparents. First of all, I don't think its a good idea to leave your kids with any one who is drinking PERIOD no matter who it is.

Also, they are your kids, and you DONT have to let your children stay at the grandparents unsupervised. if you want them to see them then go for a visit together. but it does not sound like a good environment for them and its best to put the kids safety and mental health first over what they think you should do.

Hope that helps... Ps visiting with the granparents is supposed to be a time of love, fun and building memories and it sounds like what is going on is not going to make memories you want your kids to have.

A. J

so you drop y our sons off with a drunk and an old lady who lets them run crazy then they yell and hit and are negative.
HUMMM if they weren't your grandparents would you let your children around people like this at all?
Probably not.
I would have them come visit at your house where you can control things more, but not let them over there not for a while at least.
I suspect that will help things alot.
And if they ask why the kids can't be at their house any more, just say something like, "oh I know they are such trouble at your house, lets see if you can have a better visit here"
I wonder if there is more going on in their house then you know about. Do they yell and and belittle each other all day long? Is that why your son says mean things to you when you pick him up? I suspect this could be the case.
I hope you do get it all worked out to keep your family a bit happier and definatly healthier.

it sounds like they don't deserve to see their grandchild. but if you want them to then i would stay over there with him and not let them be alone. that way they can see their grandchild but don't have to worry about their (non)disciplinary actions.

Thank God your husband has sense. I would not let them over there at all unless I was part of the package. I am raising a granddaughter and the I am violating the courts if I let her go to her grandpas,my ex, because they drink.Three yrs ago I was going to take her to them while we were visiting my mom and he would not allow me there so he did not get to see her. It also may have been his last chance as he now has cancer in both lungs. My daughter said it would be ok with her there but I am told no. I have to be there. We have not spoken but a few words in 15-20 yrs but the fact that when my son was living there and he chased him through the house mad at the remote to the tv because he asked my son to change the channel and he did not know what show he wanted to watch. My son called the police on him and was scared and he was about 25 yrs old at the time. My ex is huge and before the cancer weighed over 300 pounds. The wife drinks herself to sleep every night is what he wrote me in e-mails. So I forwarded those to the social worker. You do not want your children around drinking more accidents happen when people are drunk. Also when they do it all the time the more has to be consumed to achieve that high. You are putting your children at risk and he is acting out he does not want to go. May not feel safe there. You want role models around your children and I would write then a letter get approval from hubby and send it since they will not talk to you. Explain that your son is acting out and does not want to go. That you feel you need to be there on visits since they are not handling the discipline as what you need for your children. It is hard to deal with without hurting their feelings and usually it is their son you would have to deal with but he sounds like he has lived there and knows what it is like and has a head on his shoulders. So try to do it as gentle as you can and plan things as a family all of you not let the kids there alone. G. W

sometimes, you have to stay away from the grandparents for awhile. They brought it upon themselves. There is no need for you to "reprogram" your child when you get home. You and your husband are the ones that live with the children. Guide them, direct them in the way they should be (your kids).

Personally, I would cease all visits until an arrangment is made that Grandpa will NOT drink AT ALL around your son. Irresponsible and unacceptable behavior from Grandpa can be a HUGE influence on the unacceptable behavior from your son, not to mention the long term effects of bieng exposed to alcoholism at such a tender age.

Why would you as the mother send your son to spend time with people who drink heavily and do not listen to or respect your parenting. You are putting your child in extreme danger. Maybe you should act like a good mother and protect your child and keep them away from dangerous people.

I always believe in communtication!! I would go to their house and sit down with them and discuss the situation. Do it when your son is not there. If these are your husbands parents then I would definatley make him go with you. And make sure your both on the same page. I would explain what you notice every time your son goes there..this,this,and this, happen. Explaint to them that you try very hard to instill proper discipline in him, and that if they are going to adhere to those rules that he won't be able to come over for a while. If they refuse, then that is their loss. I had a great aunt that was the sweetest lady, and she loved my daughter to death, and would ALWAYS be willing to keep her on weekends whenever we needed a babysitter. But then we started to notice the same thing, that she never disciplined her. So every time she came home she would be extremely difficult. So I finally sat her down, and explained to her the problem w/that. At first she was quite defensive, but I just had to spend a little extra time showing and explaining to her the rules we use. Verbal warnings, time out, etc. She was open to it, but it took her some time, becuz she didn't know time outs, they didn't have those when she was young...but she didn't want to lose that time w/my daughter. Now all is well. But to important part is to talk to them first, and really explain to them, that they have to do their part, otherwise they are just making it ten times more difficult for you and your husband!

Hey N.:
Are you taking the kids over just for visiting purposes or is it for the grdparents to babysit? If it is for the latter I would suggest making the grdparents come over to your house to babysit. That way they are out of their own environment and won't be so tempted to drink etc.. Then maybe your son as well might behave better being in his own surroundings.

A. C.
safenhappyhome.com

You can't allow others, even family, to dictate what you believe and know is best for your child. As long as you and your husband agree, (because there definitely has to be unity and the same type discipline there) the grandparents should respect your wishes. Your child has to know that the rules are the same everywhere, otherwise he is confused and will end up being manipulative & selfish. You also need to tell the grandparents that although you appreciate their care and concern, you will raise your child the way that you and your husband agree. You want your son to have a loving relationship with all parties involved. But if they cannot help you keep a stable environment for your son, then the time with them will have to be limited, not as punishment for them, but concern for your child. The drinking issue is also worth great concern and one you will have to work out.

Have the visits at your house. Your house your rules. Let you son know by actions more than words that rules are different at different places. He will soon learn. Family is important and so is your sanity. Keep visits short and sweet and if your son acts up. Tell him no, not is our house.

I understand that you want the grandparents to see your son, but I would have them come to visit you at your home. I would NEVER leave him with them - grandpa drinks (DANGER!!!) and grandma doesn't believe in discipline. Who knows what he's witnessing when he's there in terms of their relationship - screaming, hitting, etc.?

I personally do not trust my own mother's judgement and would not leave my son with her. Sounds like you need to do the same kind of thing, and if they don't like it, too bad. Your son is the person that needs protecting. (If he's just misbehaving, that's one thing, but the way you describe it, it sounds like he's acting out because of the situation). You're husband's right, and it sounds like he'll support you if you decide to draw the line with them.

Good luck, stay strong.

It's important to have grandparents in a kids life but this sounds intolerable! Why not tell them they can visit the kids at your house and offer to make dinner for everyone. Do it once or twice a month and see how that goes. Good luck!

I see the last two responses were what I would recommend, don't allow your son there unless you are too. If this seems to be better, you can try allowing him a short visit without you but you also have to remember that even when grandparents are "normal," your child is going to do this.

My mother does not allow any child in her house that is not well behaved but one of the reasons that kids are holy terrors when they get back from grandma's is because grandma is able to give the child undivided attention. Even if you are a SAHM, you have to cook and clean. Grandma knows she can do that stuff when the child is not around so he goes from an environment where he is truly the center of the universe to home, where he of course receives a lot of attention but in a different way.

Grandparents also do not have to deal with the proclivities of children on a daily basis so they truly do not get irritated when the kid takes 20 minutes to put on his shoes because he decides to unlace them first. Whoohoo, this is amusing, let's put them back and then put on the shoes and go. Mom's reaction, probably not so much even if she tries not to be aggravated, the kid senses the change underneath.

So, while you may be absolutely right about why your child is so difficult when he comes home, it is also pretty much inherent in the grandparent dynamic. If grandpa is crocked much of the time, I would not allow my child there without me, or I would make sure that it was early in the day when hopefully he had not been drinking already.

As another woman suggested, if the grandparents wonder why the change, be honest with them and ask your husband to be the one to tell them since he made the decision to bar visits and you seem to have experienced the backlash for that.

You know, grandparents are wonderful but if they are countermanding everything you are trying to teach your child, you do not have to allow them to see the child. As much as it would hurt to make that decision for more than a temporary fix to the situation, if that's what it takes, you do it. Nobody said that parenting was easy, some of the decisions are very hard and/or painful.

Drinking is an issue even more than the discipline. If they are not going to respect your pretty realistic expectations, I would suggest that they either visit at your home when you are there. Or you can take them there to visit. I would not just leave my child there if they are not going to respect your wishes. Basically, they can visit under supervision. That way you are still allowing them to get to know your kids; however, just under your supervision. Just my thoughts. I am assuming that these are not your parents?

Frankly you and your husband are your child's parent, his legal guardian, the one who makes the decisions as to what is best for him. If the grandparents house is not a suitable environment for him then he doesn't not belong their. If there is a person who can act as a mediator and help you discuss this with them that could prove helpful. Honestly it doesn't matter if your and your husband's choice is the best choice... or if the grandparents agree, since he is your son it is your choice to make.
That said I think your husband's choice was a good one and a break could allow some time to think about it. Downside... the thinking might not be productive or helpful and might make them more disgruntal than just ignoring phone calls. So, again, getting a mediator to even plant a few seeds of your perspective could really help.

Hi N.,a 3 yr old is mature enough to understand a punishment given when you return home for something that happened earlier in the day. Let your son know very clearly what you expect from him at grandmas and what will happen if your expectations aren't met. Explain it to him on kid terms such as "I expect you to act just like you do at home even when we are at Grandma's, if you don't you will have to _______ when we get home." The same idea will work when you go into a store, church, meeting, etc. Just make SURE you follow through when you do return home. It will only take once or twice before he realizes that you mean business. At his age I do suggest still giving a warning though so he understands exactly which behavior you don't like, if he talks ugly, hits, etc the first time just remind him that he would not do that at home so he is not allowed to do it at Grandma's either.

As for Grandma, maybe she needs her son to come home and throw a walleyed fit, scream at her, and hit her. Let's see if she stands back at takes it...

I'm not sure I understand, what does going to your grandparents house have to do with your son not behaving well. Your children are your children, they need to be taught and disciplined by you no matter where they are or who they are with. Do they behave badly if they have a playdate with a friend or a babysitter. The bad behavior is what really needs to be addressed, they need to understand that they are making a choice and if they choose wrong they will suffer the consequences. This is a routine that should start right now because it will be used as they grow older. You can't be with them all the time but they have to know what the right choices are and that they need to make the right choices whether you are there to guide them or not.

N.,

Have you tried telling your son that if this is the way he behaves after a visit with the grandparents, he can no longer go there?

You would be surprised how much a 3 yr. old understands.

However, my best guess is that he DOES NOT want to go for reasons he can't express. Perhaps he is freightened by grandpa's drinking. Maybe he just flat doesn't like these people and is showing you in the only way he knows how.

God bless you.
D.