Feelings of Lack of Casual Friends.

I know exactly how you feel. I've 'outgrown' all my friends too. My counselor has suggested taking classes or joining a hobby group to meet people with the same interests. I've also heard from coworkers that they reconnected with friends from high school, and others have made friends with their husband's friend's wives.

I'm divorced, and my son is autistic so none of those options work for me, but they might for you. My philosophy is to just be friendly and smile at everyone you meet. You never know who you may strike up a conversation with.

I feel exactly the same. I am in the exact same situation. Where do you live? Maybe we can get together?

I joined several mommy n me groups.... my baby is 8 months old now. It just took the population, and brought women together who are all in the same boat. Some also work part time. You bond with some, & then making plans is up to you. I met 2 girls there that I hang out with all the time. I would be very lonely if I did not join the group. Out of a class of about 20, it allowed me to make at least 2 very strong friendships.

I joined Southbay adult school and also take a class at MYgym. I also take a swimming class, although you don't really meet people there.... Good luck!

A few people have mentioned " meetup.com ". I just wanted to say I second that! That is where I met all of my current best friends. I was able to find a free mom's group in my area, that was very "flexible" (the organizer would name a spot and the time was always the same -> 10am on Tuesdays. If you came, great, if not, no biggie).

There are also lots of other kinds of groups on there such as different hobby groups, language groups, religion groups, etc, etc.... All you do is go to "find a group" and type in your zip ;)

My personal answer is that I too feel similar to you. After college, all of my best friends and I dispersed, either to graduate school, internships/jobs, or back home. It's 7 years later and I see those friends once a year, at best. I still have my best friend from grade school who I see 1x a month, but like you, it feels lonely. I've tried mom clubs, even starting my own, but everyone's just SO busy... it's sad. So I can't exactly give advice based on personal experience, because I'm still trying to find that new "grown-up" friend... but here are some ideas:

What are your hobbies? Maybe you can find a group based on that somewhere.
Spiritual or faith-based feelings? Maybe find a church where you can eventually make some friends who share the same outlooks.
Gym? Maybe taking a class at a gym or walking on a treadmill next to someone who looks interesting could spark up a conversation.

I think of it like dating. You have to kind of check people out, talk to them a bit, then "ask them out"... Like dating, you'll have your fair share of flops, but every once in awhile, you'll find someone who you want to see again. Maybe they'll be "the one".... Good luck! :-)

I had the same problem...plus it's hard to hang out with the friends you had before the marriage and kids when they may not be in the same boat as you. When my son turned about 6 months old I decided to get out and join a play group. Not only for me but for my son. It was the best decision I ever made. I found women that are exactly where I am in life and great to hang out with. After a few months of going to events through the group, a few of us have made our own bonds and we do things separate from the group events which suits our kids and what is going on in our lives. So we aren't always stuck with the structure of the group. It has been a blessing!

It felt super awkward the first few meetups because it's like someone else said on here, it's like dating. You are looking to find some friends that you can click with and that mesh well with you and what you have going on. But after the first few meetups I felt like I could really connect with a few of the women. Plus my son has been having so much fun hanging out with the kids in his play group and I think that is so important as well.

I went to www.meetup.com and just looked around for a group that suited what I was looking for. Not sure where you are located but one of the groups I joined is free, the group is called Fun Moms of Carlsbad: http://www.meetup.com/Fun-Moms-of-Carlsbad/ it's a group for Moms in or near the Carlsbad area and has all different ages of kids. The organizer is really sweet.

I think it'd be worth a shot for you to check out, worse case scenario, it doesn't work and you know you tried. :)

Good Luck and you are definitely not alone in your scenario...

ETA: I just looked at your profile and noticed you were in Yorba Linda so Carlsbad might be a bit of a drive to meet some friends. I'd look on Meetup.com and check things out and see what you could find.

P.S. I'm originally from Yorba Linda (well some of my family still lives there but I have been gone from there for 11 years).

D.,
I lost most of my friends when I left the Corp world. I became a SAHM while running my husbands company and working a side job for extra cash and adult women companionship. Well that really didn't work for long because they had their own lifes and being together for our shift that was enough. A year into all this I join Mary Kay to make extra cash with less stress at my small job. I found that I was able to meet way more women. Because I am my own boss I can choose to be with my family and schedule girl time. Everyone love a party even it is a part for 2:) Mary Kay may not be for you but really what I am saying is find something that you like to do and you will find other women who enjoy those things as well. Scrapbooking (start with a shop that sells supplies for classes) Work out class (start with the local gym or parks and recks) Host a BBQ or Girls Night (Pot luck style so you are not out all the money).
I am sure you will find all the casual friends you need:)

Hi, D. - I hear you and feel you. It is tricky to maintain a balance between family and personal friends, but it is important for you to carve out "me time" and "girl time" so that you maintain your identity as an individual that is not solely defined by your spouse and kids. My situation is a little different from you as I do not have stepchildren and we lived in a big city for the first 7 years of our marriage without kids, so it was easier for me to find time to hang out with my girlfriends (and sometimes guy-friends!). Well, right around the 8th year of our marriage, not only did we have our first child, but we also moved to a new city! I was happy to be settled in our new home, but I knew hardly anybody and it felt that my previous friends had just moved on without me.

What saved me was a local mother's group,and now I'm a member of TWO groups. One does require a yearly fee, but the other one is free. Through those groups I found a few good female friends who were also going through motherhood but also wanted to feel like a "real person" - so we do a lot of activities with our kids (at least once a week) but we go out to movies or dinner once a month. The groups also have a variety of events so there is a lot of choice, and they are very different from each other. Meetup.com is a good way to see what's out there and you can see if there are fees (sometimes it's as low as $5, sometimes it's as much as $25) and what kind of get-togethers they have.

I would suggest you look into what mother's groups are out there in your area - you may be pleasantly surprised at what you find. And if you're worried about group politics - well, take the good and just don't participate in the politics!

my heart goes out to you. you should contact your friends that have children and go out with them. I dont hang out with mine as much but when you reach out people will respond. good luck

How many times a month do I meet with friends, you mean, like ALONE??? Without the kids?? That never happens for me. I make friends with the moms of my childrens' friends and for the precious 6 hours a week that my youngest is at preschool, I go to a yoga class (not too much casual chatting going on there) and run errands that I can't stand running with my kids.

You are living in a hard time right now, your kids need almost constant supervision. My youngest is 4, and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I have been home with them since my oldest was 12 months (I worked for her first year and spent the whole year trying to figure out how I could spend more time with her). I love being with my kids, but I know how isolating it is, you can't even carry on a conversation at the playground with another parent until they are at least 3, and that is only if you have an independent, coordinated child. Whenever you get on the phone, screaming breaks out. At this point in your life, you will probably bond better with other moms, because you know what each other is going through. Join a moms group. Contact your old sorority sisters - chances are, some of them are feeling the EXACT thing you are feeling, because I think we all go through it. Good luck to you.

When your kids start pre-school or elementary school you'll find all the friends you may ever need. Many of my closest friends are people I met through school. Make a point of volunteering in the classroom or in other school functions. I felt the same way when I stopped working and stayed home with my son. In the mean time make a point of getting out and doing things you enjoy, even if it means doing it by yourself.

The same thing happened to me. I also worked in a predominately male job. When my kids were 3 & 6 I quit to be a sahm. I got involved in my kids' schools. My close friends are mostly the mothers of my kids' friends. The kids have sometimes drifted away but the moms are still friends. It is much easier to get together with other women when the kids get together. Occasionally just the moms get together for dinner and movies or just hang out but it's not often. Family and work intervene. I also do Mary Kay and it has helped me make new female friends. My friends are my customers and my customers usually become my friends.

Just get involved with activities that include women, get someone's phone number and call them to go shopping or go to the movies. My friends and I try to see R rated movies just because we so seldom get to with kids. You will have to put yourself out there and make the first move but it is worth it. My friends are my lifeline especially since my husband is out of town frequently. They are the ones who will back you up, pick up your kids, babysit for you and have a shoulder to cry on when you need it. If you are in the San Fernando valley I'm available. You can't have too many friends. lol

I have lost most of my friends as well. THey don't have kids or they have older kids and it's very different. I would be happy to email back and forth with you to see if we have anything in common. :) I currently live in Covina, but will be moving to the San Diego area soon.

Hi D., Cute Name!. I a lot of us go through this, see when were single our time is our own, besides work or school or both both were able to be very flexable with out time, so we have all this time to spend with friends, when we get married and have a family that flexability is less, for some a great deal less, because now we have responsiblilties that we didn't have before, our work load doubles and changes, most women to have girl friends at work, but sense you work around mostly men, that doesn't work for you, like for me I run a home daycare, but the women I meet are like my kids ages. I have my phone friends and e-mail friends, I have a very small circle of friends that I actually spen time with, my 20 year old daughter and I usually hand out on Saturdays together, but my main circle of girlfriends are in my church. We do Potlucks and Barbeques here at our home and have people over, we lov to entertain, occasionally my husband and I will have lunch or dinner with another couple, but those are far and in between. I have one girl friend that we do our christmas shopping every year together. Groups and clubs are cool at times, but can become very routine and mechanicle for some. Do you meet other moms at your childrens schools, invite your kids friends familys over for potluck and game night, game nights are fun, and most people will come, when you work full time and take care of a full time family you have to get inventive, thats what I do, and I'm the planner in our family, so I plan things and then let my husband and grown children know about it. I Have something I wuld to share with you called why we need girlfriends, if you are interested in reading it send me your e-mail address and I'll send it to you, it's something that someone sent me many many years ago, when I was feeling the same way you are feling right now. Oh and by the way it's normal. J. L.

You don't want to join a Mom's club but, the standard advise for making friends when you move to a new place or a new stage in your life is to take classes. What about adult school? Try to learn a new language or take something that would look good on your work resume. Mommie and Me classes are always a good idea. Get involved with politics at the local level etc. etc. Bible study, exercise class, a musical group, learn to play bridge etc. etc. etc. etc.
B. v. O.

I understand what you are saying and what happens to most of us is our lives revolve around our family and we tend to neglect ourselves of "me" time. Often the thought it would be selfish to take time away from the family comes up...

Its nice if you can find a friend in the neighborhood that you live in or at least near enough you can actually visit with each other daily and often have a little support thing going where you can help out with each other's kids or have dinner one night at the other person's house..it actually is fun... there are people on yahoo personals that are just looking to make friends, just put that in the search criteria along with your location and it will pull out people looking for friendship. You can start talking via email to break the ice then meet for lunch and go from there...and I mean women looking for other women who just want to hang out or shop or do fun girl stuff! Good luck!

I can see how working can prevent you from finding friends. Just about all my friends are moms I know from my kids' school, and we get together occasionally. I also get together with moms from a church group I go to, and I am also in a bunco group. I also keep in touch with old friends I used to work with and get together with them occasionally. Try to find things in your area, look in the local newspaper and they usually list events you can go to, and you might meet some friends that way, and if you go to church, get more involved in church, or try to go to more things with your kids' school and meet moms that way. Since you do work, try to find a playgroup that meets on Saturdays - there are plenty of them in San Diego. I don't know where you're from. Some playgroups even meet in the late afternoon. You can even try to meet moms at activities that your kids go to. It's hard to have lots of activities when you work, but if you want friends, you have to get out there to find them, and the best way, when you have kids, is to find friends through your kids (in my opinion!) Good luck!

Hey D.!
It happened to me too. But with a move. When I lived in Washington I had a lot of friends, despite the fact I was married with kids. Now we live in a real small town, up a dirt road. There are no neighborhood kids or anything. I live in Acton. Do you live near me? We can be friends! :)
I have an almost 8 year old boy and a 14 year old girl! Our kids can play! Or the teenagers can 'hang out'.

Hi
Have you tried www.meetup.com
there are meetings all over the place for all sorts of interests
Good luck

Funny - I just had this conversation with my 9 year old boy the other day, how when we're in school it's so cool to have so many friends but that when you're an adult it takes more work cuz we're all busy. I find that the friends I am able to connect with deeply are very few and far between, but I make sure to stay close so that our relationship doesn't fade away like most will. I have one best friend that I can say ANYTHING to (and her to me), and one that is also pretty close, then some acquaintances - but that took me a LONG time to cultivate (I'm 40). Your husband and kids should get most of your free time, but friends are important so invest in one or two you can relate to really well. Church is a great place to meet new families, that's where I met my friends.

Yes, I know exactly how you feel because I felt the same. Even with no small children, when we followed our routine of work and life, casual friends would fall out of our life because there was no room for those times. But that can be changed. I started my own business online, plugging into a huge online portal, leveraging the portal company, the system and the training. I can do work at home and make a very decent income. Now life's routine is different and I can enjoy the different hours of the day, different colors of the year from my home window. Life becomes casual. Hope you can find your way to make room for the casual times for friends and for experiencing life in its full flavors.

I know exactly how you feel! Most of my girlfriends have moved, and the "last one" is moving this month out of state. I work with mostly women, so I get that social interaction at work, and I really like the people I work with, but don't consider most of them "friends" where we hang out. I would love to be able to spend sometime with another mom who has a child close in age to my son, who is almost 15 months. I am expecting another child...only about 5 weeks pregnant right now. I do think working and getting absorbed with family takes a lot of time, and it makes it more difficult to make friends. You're not alone, I think a lot of women feel this way. I feel alot the same as you about mom playgroups, they never seem to work into my schedule. I empathize with you!

You're not alone! I've met some moms through Parent Participation (and Adult Ed class) that I was in with my youngest son. They are some of the nicest women. We have a variety of views on life which makes it interesting. We don't get together without the kids very often, but when we do it's well worth the time. It helps remind us that we were "women" before we were mommies! Thankfully, I have three sisters on whom I can call at any time. But, I know what you mean about having someone nearby who can be that "sister-friend" we women often need. I wish you the best in finding one (or more) for this season of your life.

Hello! I know exactly how you are feeling...I have felt like that sometimes as well. I do get together with friends at chruch, and occasionally get together with friends, about once a month, but most of the time we bring the children, so our husbands get a break, and our children our entertained by each other. On very rare occasions, I will go out just with friends,all women, about once every two months, it seems, and it is fun. When I do go out for dinner or shopping with friends, I have to remember not to feel guilty, as I am two a working mother of two, 4 & 2. I do not like groups either, because of the structure, too much for me.

I think it is just something that happens after people get married. I have lots of friends, but none in my geographical area...so I don't have what you are describing either. Maybe you could try to meet friends through the school that your child goes to. Maybe you and your husband could meet a couple that way and begin doing things together.

Best of luck,
J.

D.,
I understand all the feelings that you are feeling. I was an older mom by some standards at least by my peers at church. I was the same age as some with my daughter, but my son came 5 1/2 years later and others had children in between that time and much younger moms had kids my son's age when he came along. I felt very alienated because I was older. It did take a few years to move from that part of my life. I have wonderful friends and I looked at it as a time to spend with my family and children.
The other decision I made was that I love scrapbooking. I made a night monthly at my house and I invited several people to come scrapbook with me. I told them to invite their friends and so on. I made wonderful friendships through opening up my home to do something that I loved to do. Maybe that could be the key too.
This year I have decided to take a kickboxing class with parks and rec and I know I will have an opportunity to meet new people that way too. Put yourself out there, mom's group, exercise class, yoga, scrapbooking,whatever, do it and find your niche.
Hope this is helpful.

try on line groups. I am a part of a few and when my son was born 3+ years ago it really has helped. We get together for playdates and Mom's night outs. I have found a lot of really good friends.