I love my DH very much. We have one 18 month old son, both work full time, and when we are not working, try and spend our time as a family. A friend offered me free tickets to an event this evening, and my husband indicated that he wanted to go. I was really looking forward to this evening, as we would be getting a sitter, going out to a "grown-up" dinner prior to the event, and actually having a true date night, and I shared my excitement with my husband in an email. This morning, he blew up at me, saying that he didn't want to go, that he didn't want to spend the money on a babysitter, and that the whole thing was stupid. I told him that I was going to go anyway.
Perhaps this is an indication of how our relationship has been going lately, but I don't feel like he's interested in making an effort for us anymore. I am bothered that he wasn't excited to spend the evening with me (the money isn't really the issue, we can certainly afford to spend money on a sitter). We each left the house a little agitated this morning, and didn't really resolve anything. I've cancelled the sitter, and am basically planning on going to this event by myself tonight. I guess I don't really expect him to change his mind now, but I'm looking for suggestions as to how to talk with him about investing in our relationship, and maybe ideas.
It sounds like you're leaving something out? It just sounds like a weird blowup over nothing. Why don't you call him at work and try to work it out? Go do something different than the event?
Wow, S., are you sure you are not married to my husband?
My heart breaks for you, because I know exactly how you feel. Sad is definitely the right word.
I really wish I had a magic solution, because I would use it.
DH and I talked the other night and I told him it made me sad. He just said "Whatever, we will just do whatever you want." Gee, thanks.
I do wish you luck. Try talking to him heart to heart when he is in a good mood. Maybe this event is really not his thing. Try another outing as a suggestion. You may have better results than me. I sure hope so.
I would see if there's something else he wants to do. Even just go see a movie (of his choice) with a quick, casual dinner beforehand if you can afford a sitter no problem. I remember those days - both working, young child who is really demanding, being tired and stressed etc. My husband was the one who insisted on doing some date nights. I really didn't want to. I felt guilty leaving our children, I was tired and really not all that fond of him lately etc. But it made SUCH a difference. It was amazing. Getting out and not having any responsibility for awhile! It is so different than goign out with your child... Try to talk to him and see what's going on and tell him how you've heard about people not wanting to do a date night but then being really glad they did so how about trying it once? And a movie puts less pressure on to enjoy each other for hours.
Was he having a bad day at work? If he said he wanted to go then blew up about it something must have happened in the meantime. I would call him during your lunch hour and talk to him. Tell him how wonderful he looks all dressed up and how much fun it will be just to spend time with him. Don't talk about the event specifically but how much you want to spend time with him. Keep your attitude as light and cheerful as you can. Hopefully he will go, continue to be cheerful all evening.
Hopefully you can sit down for a talk over the weekend. It's hard to keep up the romance if he is feeling pressured to provide. You have a child and bills to pay. Maybe the pressure to keep all the balls in the air, so to speak, is getting to him.
You are making me sad for YOU. Sending you hugs!!
I don't mean to rub it in but my hubby is the opposite and is the one calling the sitter and making dates for us.
In our relationship we make sure we do date nights multiple times each month because we know it is soooo important to nurture our relationship as lovers/husband/wife so we don't just turn into roommates raising kids together.
How about you call the sitter back and say it is back on. Maybe the event sounds "stupid" to him and maybe you don't really care about the event but more that your hubby doesn't want to simply go out with you. How about you say to your husband that he doesn'tt have to attend the event but that you are going out alone to do something.
Ask him what he would like to do. If he can't drum up something then have some ideas already to chime in with. Make it a point to let him know that it is not so much about the "event" but the grown up night away from home and responsibilities and time to be alone together.
Red flags go up in my head when a man withdraws and does not want to spend time with his wife doing things that make her happy..and things that nurture a loving relationship. It is not healthy or loving to respond with making you feel like it is a stupid thing to be going out. You need to get to the real root of why he doesn't want to go....heck...what would you two be doing tonight instead if you don't go??tv, computer,reading,housework?? He should be be looking forward to alone time with you.
I would talk to him about how much you want to "date him" and go have adult fun together. Stresses with you both working and responsibilites at home and with a toddler are enough reasons to take a breather often and go have fun. It is a time to relax and release some stress. Take that angle and not so much of the "you hurt my feelings...you are being selfish...don't you love me and want to spend time with me" angle. I don't mean that you would say those words but just the angle most of us women folk take that totally puts men on the defensive.
How about you talk about some of the things you would both like to do and make a list. Do one a month and check the things off of your list. Me and my hubby have come up with some fun things over or 15 years to do to keep the dating spark alive. I'd be willing to PM you with some if you are interested.
I wish you luck. Hope you have fun tonight with or without hubby but I hope it is with him!!
The first few years adjusting to a child in the house are incredibly stressful.
You're both busy, working FT and a lot of times, the "couple time" is the first thing to bite the dust--out of survival necessity!
Just tell your husband that you miss your couples time, and even if it's not going to be tonight, you'd like to get a sitter so you two can go out like grown-ups. You have to talk about it or it will never get "better"! Good luck!
I would get the sitter back and still have a date night. It sounds like you need it. So if hubby doesn't want to go to the event at least have a nice meal together. If nothing else this will allow you two the chance to talk kid free and maybe get some feelings off of your chest. If he won't talk in public do fast food and go "parking" like you did when you were in high school. You two def need to talk and I wouldn't put it off.
Well, what was his reason? He just rudely proclaimed that out of the blue? Or, did you guys have kind of an argument over something and he threw that out there out of frustration? Is he stressed out about other things going on and taking it out on you? Usually when my hubs and I have an awkward fight, it's usually b/c one of us is stressed about something.
I would talk to him about it again, just call him up, calmly and nicely tell him you are sad you parted this morning in such a way and ask how you two can make it up. ask him if he really does not want to go, or if he has thought about it further. Tell him you think you two really need to spend this time together and are excited to go out with him, that you guys can have a lot of fun. Tell him you feel like he is withdrawing and ask him how you two can smooth things over and reevaluate things.
I'm so sorry :(
When you are both calm, try to talk to him about your feelings. Ask him what HE would like to do as a couple. I know I am more interested in going out than my husband is (he is such a homebody!) but we do take time to go to dinner, movies and the occasional concert or show. Some times he gets tickets to a baseball game and we go together, not really my thing but I'm happy he wants to take me :) Of course it's easier for us because we no longer need a sitter but we did make an effort when the kids were younger because we always felt better after some quality grown up time together.
Good luck, I hope he "hears" you and cares enough to make the effort!
Is it an event that requires your husband to dress up? I know the last thing that my husband wants to do after the stress of life with a baby/toddler is dress up and attend an "event". He WOULD, however, absolutely jump at the chance to go watch a movie or have a casual dinner b/c you can just get up and go and decompress. Your husband sounds like he's making a huge effort to spend time with family when not working so that already tells me his priority is family so I think maybe he was just stressed about the idea of dressing up adn going someplace. Call the babysitter back and tell your hubby you miss him and would love to spend time with him and suggest a more lowkey event if that was the issue. Best wishes,
