Feeling Insecure About Husband and Female Coworker

Probably nothing to worry about..but firefighters, cops, ambulance drivers and emergency med people, like to take chances. They are adrenaline junkies. Don't lop my head off for the generalization! What I am saying is, trust and verify.

Next time she texts ask if you can answer. It can be as simple as

This is L B, hi, he can't get back to you right now, I let him know you are texting again.

Lets her know, where she stands in importance, You see the texts, and that you are annoyed that she is texting him again. Enough said.

Be open about how you feel. You should not be ashamed about how you feel--sometimes you can't help it. Ask him how you would feel if you had a male colleague texting you at night. Ask to see the texts and maybe invite her and her significant other (if she has one) over for dinner.

So, if she was a guy you'd have no issues with them being friends?

I don't see any reason here for any concern unless hubby is a cheater.

I am much more comfortable with guy friends instead of female friends. Most of my dearest and best friends have been guys. Even when they were married we still were friends. We didn't do road trips and stuff anymore but we still talked and spent time together playing cards and stuff. The wives were welcome to come along if they wanted.

If I truly had any interest in them in a sexual way I do believe that I would have taken time and made an effort to have them when they were single. I didn't so I guess I wasn't really interested in them that way.

Aaaw, your post is so sweet! Why not show it to him, or just TELL him? Love can make the toughest if us feel a little vulnerable. Let him know how the texting makes you feel, ok? Give him the chance to reinforce his love of you, too.

:)

Some people who answered here have no clue the comaraderie that exists between first responders. Pay no attention to them.

Yes, there is the possibility of male/female co-workers hooking up in any work situation, but there is a greater chance of it happening when men and women have to live together like firefighters, who have to live and breath the same schedule and job. When an office co-worker has an emergency, say his computer crashes, his job and life doesn't depend on his co-worker.

But for a firefighter, in an emergency, his job and life depends on all his crew. When you face death and destruction every day on the job, it tends to affect you physically, emotionally, spiritually...everything. There is no way to separate it sometimes when you have a dangerous job and sometimes you have to depend on your co-workers to get through it.

This female firefighter and your husband may very well have a special connection - who knows how many times they've saved each other's life. She may be basing her actions on gratitude, respect...or she could be basing it on pure lust as well. Whatever it is, just remember what firefighters go through on the job, find out how you can continue supporting your husband and just keep an eye out for excessive attention she gives him.

You can try to get to know her, no matter how snotty she can be. If her intensions are bad but then she gets to know you as a real person, then maybe she'll let go the fantasy, if she is indeed after your man.

One more thing...for every firefighter who leaves his family for or has an affair with another crewmember, there are hundreds and thousands who don't ;)

I agree with 'Beenthere'...next time she text ask hubby if you can answer and then do just that...'Joe asked me to get his phone, he is busy and will get back to you when he can', this will show her 2 things, 1: That you read his texts... and 2: That your husband asks you to read his texts! This should give her a mental check and reminder that he is married and you are aware of what she is doing.

I would be concerned by this as well. Is he forthcoming on what the texting is about or better yet let you check his phone with no grief? If so, this should ease your mind! My husband is 100% transparent in everything he does/has, his phone his e-mail, everything!

It would bother me - alot - too.

That being said, I think the worst thing you can do is get mad and difficult with him. I would work on making my marriage as strong as possible so that it is resistant to temptation.

I would talk to my husband in a nice way and let him know that I am just nuts about him and don't feel super comfortable with off-duty texts from other women (even co-workers).

JMO.

Chances are, she didn't warm up to you because she doesn't have many female friends. She works in a physical world with all guys. Chick relationships might be hard for her.

If you trust your hubby, then trust him. He probably looks at her like one of the guys. She texts him and he texts her back. Just like any one of his crew.

I'd get to know her. Make some brownies and bring them over to the firehouse with the kids. Consider her like any other co-worker. Don't make yourself crazy over it. Especially if you fully trust your hubby.

Check the texts, if it's business, fine but Absolutely no social texting. No, no, no.

My husband works with very good looking women. One is soon to be his boss and sometimes she sometimes socializes a bit in her texting but it is always business related to begin with. I trust him 100% but I find it offensive to be texting my husband late at night. If it weren't business related, I would be picking up the phone asking her to please not text my husband socially, and that you are busy with family time, kids, etc.

If she is socially texting your husband, ask him to stop replying. Thats easy for him. And if she asks him about it, he can just say family time is family time and he doesn't text during that time.
If she doesn't stop, I would have NO problem asking her to stop texting. It's not being insecure. She should know better, sometimes guys are naive but women should NOT being texting a married man in a social matter (or vice versa).

It's black and white and is your husband thinks you are over reacting, show him the responses.

If I spent time worrying or wondering about every female colleague who texted my husband I would never be able to get anything done. Especially when your husband is the leader of a group he will have more interaction/communication with his crew. Please don't waste any time and energy on this, unless your husband has given you reasons to doubt his character or integrity.

Either you trust him, or you don't. Do you think that because he enjoys having sex with you that he's going to do it with other women? If so, yep, there's probably a problem.

From my perspective, cheaters cheat not because they are 'a hornball' or because they're so damn good looking that women can't resist them because they are married, but because they are looking for further validation and are dishonest people. Do you think that your husband is really engaging in unfaithful behavior, or did you just have a bad dream?
Has something changed in your marriage or your life so that you feel insecure about yourself and what you have to offer your husband? There are some women who are just not chatty and have a more 'male' personality (you mention she is chummy, but not flirting, right?)... which is why she might be drawn to the work she does.

I wouldn't go looking for trouble just yet. :)

It would get weird for me with the texting. How often? Like everyday? Does he text with everyone in the crew everyday about work? Or is it just her? That would bother me, if she was texting him frequently, if shes the only one doing it, even if its work related, if the other crew members could do their jobs without texting him, why does she have to? Men can be pretty naive when it comes to women flirting with them. He might not want to make an issue out of it because its uncomfortable for him too. Trust your husband and give him the benefit of the doubt. But let him know its her you are concerned about and if you are right about your gut feeling that she is flirting and maybe has a crush on your husband, he should be aware and very careful not to encourage it because nothing good can come from that. It's bad for the whole crew, rumors can get started from nothing that can undermine his authority and rapport with the crew.

i think its healthy to get jealous J. a bit occassionally as long as you reel yourself back and and use it in a positive way.

So if you're feeling a little insecure, step up things in the bedroom at home to make you feel better with your relationship.

I text guys more than girls and some are married men and some conversations are filled with pervy jokes and comments but never is there any intention on either side and all spouses/signifigant others know about the friendship and conversations.

I would just keep the lines of communication open with your husband and focus on your relationship with him, not this other woman. I would also ask him how he would feel if you were texting with a male coworker during off hours. He needs to look at it from your perspective. An occasional text or phone call seems reasonable to me, but unless there's an emergency or some other urgency, work matters should be dealt with during work hours, and that woman may need some boundaries.
I would find it annoying if ANY coworker, male or female, was consistently texting me during my time off.

Her personality is worrisome, sorry. Women who cannot be nice to spouses are not OK. Even if she's shy, she should be polite in a way you can feel in your gut when you look her in the eye. Also, firefighters or not, the texting is not OK if you are uncomfortable with it. If they are together that often, she doesn't need to text him outside of work. Work-related how? In a way that can't wait until she sees him at work? In a way that she's the only person who can let him know what's going on? And sorry, the single mom angle is worrisome too. I'm a single mom who would never target a family man, but I've seen some disturbing behavior and flirtation from some single moms I know. If you're husband is an immovable rock who never sends any overtly friendly signs, she'll shove off, but if he's the least bit jovial and nice (probably is) she'll keep putting out her "Adorable vibes". And we all know how work relationships naturally become "close" even if only on a friendly level. Not trying to freak you out, none of this means that something is going on, but your feelings are justified.

Now, how should you HANDLE it? Tricky. If it's innocent, then you'll look inappropriate for saying anything, but honestly, it is inappropriate for them to be texting. But now that they do it, you'd have to be the bad guy to "forbid it" and you can't really, so they'd have to sneak the "innocent texts"-making the whole thing worse.

Since this looks on the up and up so far, I think you need to befriend her a bit more forceably. Keep your enemies close. Pop in, say hello to the hubs, make a point to chat with her, have her over, visit her, whatever. It takes a REAL scary ho to try anything with a woman's husband when she's a friend of the woman. She'd have to be a real jerk to give you the cold shoulder when you're trying to be nice. Get her number, text her, "Hey, Rhonette, I'm trying to pick a surprise present for Sweetie at work, what does your break room need? Scented candle? mugs?" It's a lot easier for a woman to flirt with a married man when she doesn't really acknowledge the wife. And if she's INNOCENT and NICE, you'll have a new friend and so will she.

I know it sounds AWFUL to do any of this "territory marking" but what's she gonna do? Tell everyone what a psycho you are for being nice to her? What's your husband going to do? Get mad at you for interfering by being nice to his friend?

I'm a soon-to-be-divorced scorned wife. My ex is the lead singer of a band so it's probably the same culture as fireman groupies only with way more chicks flocking. You've only got one to be worried about. None of the hos who "got to" my ex knew me. It was all the ones who pretended I didn't exist and had secret texting and email relationships with him. Women who met me, looked me in the eye, spent a little time with me, went on their way after that even though I knew they had crushes on him.

I was always the busy, cool, trusting wife who wasn't all possessive. I had my own life, my personal FB page wasn't a band page like other wives, I thought that the wives of band guys who were constantly public about their status were bored and insecure. Actually they were smart. Lost of them are still happily married because they put a lot of energy into fending off the fans. It wasn't for me but I get it how it works. Don't EVER feel bad to stand up and be noticed.

Also, no harm in saying the texting bugs you. Just say it in a kind way like, "I know I shouldn't feel odd about a single mom texting my hot husband outside of work, but I do. Sorry. And now that I've said something I'm afraid you'll hide it, so please don't. If you guys need to text you have my permission to do it in front of me anytime." Affectionate hug, kiss etc.

And stay on your game being a sweet, loving, attractive woman. Don't let this make you difficult to deal with or insecure or she wins. Be the awesome wife that you are.

You're not "overreacting" bc you're not flipping out and questioning everything he's ever said or done. A little jealousy is completely normal. You have a right to your feelings and to peak your radar. Befriend this girl to ease your insecurity. Your husband just being aware of your feelings should help. Guys can be pretty dumb when it comes to this kind of thing. He may not have even realized it could make you uncomfortable or was going further than you would prefer.
Try not to hold him responsible for his actions in your dreams ;)

Next time he's on duty, send him a dirty text to let him know you're thinking about him.

I so hear you on this. My husband is in sales and a certified bullshittin' charmer, without a clue about women's subtlety. I am more introverted/guarded, and even moreso when I feel like he has left the barn door open. I don't see how her "personality type" would allow her to be chummy with a guy and cold toward his wife, unless she's just a woman who doesn't know THE RULES. There are unwritten rules of engagement with married folk. Part of interacting with them appropriately is knowing how to engage with their spouses. Now, maybe your take is perceived and not actual, but you still need to do some things to help yourself feel better.

Since you've told him that you are uncomfortable with it, ask him to show you their correspondence. Don't call him up and say that you'll want to see the texts later on. Ask him when you are with him and he can just hand the phone over. You don't want to give him a chance to delete anything that he might deem iffy. What you find will determine your next steps. Stay calm. Ask questions if you want to know something.

Because you hosted an event in your home for the new crew, the door is open for you to engage with them. Show your face at the station. Bring him dinner once in a while. (My father was a firefighter, and I dated two firefighters, so I know the drill.) Get chummy right back with her and pay attention to how she responds to you. People respond to different people differently. Some connections are immediate, and that's okay. Maybe she just doesn't mix well with you. Maybe she's not comfortable with women. I am totally relaxed with men and on edge with strange women, but I know how to engage the wife. You might have to teach her how to engage you, even tell her that you are making it a point to get to know the woman who sleeps with your husband when he's away from home. She should get that joke. And laugh. And know that you are on your game.

Maybe it would help you to get some understanding of how he sees his role in this position. Not that you shouldn't be able to ask him about work, but he has involved you in his work life, so the door is wide open for you have conversation about it. Maybe he takes personal interest in his crew and he's trying to treat her like one of the guys. The thing is that she isn't one of the guys, and he's got to handle her a little differently, but he might not know how. If he needed to talk behind closed doors with her, that's different than talking with a man. It just is. Ask him how he sees himself handling something like that. Keep the lines of communication open. Let him know how you feel. I have told my husband, "I don't like this." I tend to not tell him what to do, because he is an adult and can do what he wants. However, I will let him know when something is an issue for me. If he gets frustrated, it's not necessarily because he is in the wrong. It could be that he is at a loss for the perfect way to handle it.

ETA: Just occurred to me--Isn't there a Lieutenant for every shift? That would mean that when he's home, they're home, so nobody's calling or texting from work. If he's not hearing from everybody like that...would be big problem for me, especially if she doesn't engage with the wife. Hell, they see each other every other day, so unless they're getting their families together...no need to stay connected individually. Even if he is hanging out individually with the others, it's just different with a "girl", and he should recognize that. I am a guy's girl, so I get wanting to just fit right in, but I can't deny the fact that I have breasts and curves...so it would be a different story for me to show up out of uniform at a bar. Double standard it would be.

If you feel something is inappropriate than I think you are right on track with talking to him about it. I think I would not like them texting each other, what would they need to speak about in between shifts that would warrant texting? And why is she standoffish with you? Maybe if she was friendly to BOTH of you, you wouldn't feel so bothered by this.
I am not saying anything is going on but if you were doing that with another man, would he like it?
I hate when I too become insecure or jealous because I really have to dig deep to keep my emotions straight, your husband picked you out of all the females he had met before you and I am sure you are a wonderful wife to him, try not to let anyone steal your self confidence about you and your relationship with him.

I can see why this would bother you, it would bother me too. But not because anything is going on, it's just uncomfortable and you don't like it! I totally get that! Not to stereotype, but since she is a female firefighter she might just not be a girl's girl and is more likely to get along better with men. Maybe that was the deal at your party?

If it was as easy as 'don't worry about it', you wouldn't be. I say let this work itself out. You are feeling insecure, don't fight it so hard, just let it settle in. But remind yourself that anyone would feel insecure under these circumstances. He has given you no reason to believe anything is happening, so let that sink in as well. Sometimes we learn that we trust people by having the opportunity for them to prove why! So when you have a yucky feeling moment, just tell yourself "I don't like this feeling, but it's normal, and it will pass- he is a great guy and he is MINE, and I know he loves me and I trust him". This will start to be the prevailing feeling.

As for the texting, just keep an eye on it. If it seems to be her texting him more than the rest of his crew, let him know you don't like it. Not because you're jealous, just because when he's home you like all of his attention on the family! Good luck.

I'm pretty sure I'd be feeling the same as you. And I think (and from what others have told me)...it's perfectly natural to feel that way. No matter how strong your marriage is you will and can have moments of insecurity.

My husband has a position where he often manages a full female staff...college aged usually and their job requires a lot of phone calls and texting. A few nights of texts after 11pm and I made it perfectly clear to him that I understand he can not control who calls/texts him, but when he is home and not on the job it is inappropriate for employees to be texting him...ESPECIALLY after 8pm. Anything after 8pm can wait until he is back at work.

Would he understand if you told him you felt it was inappropriate to get texts on his off days? Maybe you should try to get to know her more? Remind her that you are his wife. When she texts him - you should text her back and be overly friendly. It's a little sneaky, but it keeps you from looking insecure in front of your husband and might get her to back off a little bit.

He might think of her as one of the guys/little sister or something to that effect and that is fine. He probably has no intentions of seeing her any other way, but until you get to know her more - I would be wary of what her intentions are. And most likely she sees him as just a coworker/big brother so you probably don't have anything to frett over. Just stay calm, make yourself known, and ask him to keep the texts to a minimum when he's off duty - that's family time!

So, do the other crew members text their Lt., your husband, off hours, like the gal? Or just she texts?

If she's such a good friend of his, then I think you would all be getting together and you'd get to know her better. Talk to your husband about this happening. Don't hit him with "OMG are you having an affair with her?" just show an interest in getting to know his friends better.
On the slim chance something is going on, the coworkers will know and will act a little shady, covering for them. If everyone seems comfortable that should reassure you.
I feel like my husband and I know each others friends.

I think this sort of jealousy is a form of insecurity.
He picked YOU to marry out of all the other choices he had.
Hang onto that.
YOU are worthy and a good life partner.
Trust him.

IF there's EVER any sort of hard evidence he's having an affair - then nail him to the wall and throw the bum out.
Texts about work or who's bring the donuts next shift are not evidence he's sleeping around.

Anyone who can't see or loses sight of what a great wife I am can get out and not come back.
I'm not interested in hanging on to anyone I have to BEG to stay with me.
The man who's with me should understand it's an honor and a privilege and should be thanking his lucky stars he's found his perfect soul mate.

Let go of your uncomfortableness and work on your self esteem.
When you are not feeling insecure, you'll feel a lot better.

I'm not sure what your question is here, but I would let this one go. She's chummy with him and standoffish to you... pretty typical. If you trust your husband to do the right thing, then there's nothing to worry about. She can lust after him all she wants... he comes home to you!

For what it's worth MANY men (the good ones at least) are pretty clueless when a woman is hitting on him. My own husband being one of them. Very long story short, he reached out via FB to a girl he went to college with because we needed her professional opinion on something. She offered to meet with him (not us) over a glass of wine and discuss it. Umm... no. He wasn't sure what the problem was, so I asked him why a nearly 40 single woman would want to meet privately with a married father to discuss something that needed to be discussed together. He didn't really need to respond to that, but the message got through.

I'm sure there's nothing to worry about. Do the other firefighters text him as well? Probably.

I am a teacher and my teaching partner is a male. Not very common at the elementary level. WE text all the time. Sometimes work related, sometimes not. We are both married and there is nothing going on. His wife has responded back to me if he can't get to the phone, and that is fine.

They work together at an intense job. She may just feel comfortable around your husband because he is a nice guy. She may even feel MORE comfortable because he IS married, so there will be no thoughts of "does he think I am flirting with him?" when she is not trying to. (You know how a single guy might take it. Where as your husband is "safe" because he is not "available". I feel that way about my work partner. Everyone knows that we are both married so there is no gossip.

What I would do is ask to see the texts between them! Honestly you probably have nothing to worry about. From what I know of fire fighters they are like family so she's probalby like a sister to him.

I have learned that when you show jealousy or insecurity, your partner gets a joy from it. I would not show irritation as he will tell her and she will definitely do additional things to spite. Instead, when you see a message from her, immediately erase it and pretned you know nothing about it... She will see that he does not repsond to her texts on weekends.

I totally feel for you. Totally!

I have been with my husband for almost 11 years. Married for 9.

Before there was him, I had a few serious boyfriends(two of which I was engaged to be married to......like a month away from each wedding when I called them off). In the end of each, I had cheated and needed to come clean. My second call off, I had met my husband and was getting to know him..... Before I cut it off with my fiancee.

All this being said......I have constantly feared him cheating on me. He was and still is the only man I will NEVER cheat on. I have always feared as my punishment for what I did to the other two guys, I would eventually be met with the fate of a cheating husband.

In 2006, I was pregnant with our second child. He was working at Starbucks in Downtown Seattle. Which gave him the weekends off because his store was in the heart of the downtown corridor which never stayed open on the weekends.

To make some extra money, he started working the Husky Football (UW College Football team)home games. Which meant he was gone literally ALL day on Saturdays(only during Football season).

All this being said......There were some Saturdays I would drive him into Seattle and then there were some he took the bus in. All depending on weather and what else was going on that day.

There was one Saturday, I dropped him off...and things went very strangely for the rest of the day. When I would try and call he would forward my call to VM. He had me drop him somewhere totally away from where I normally left him off for work.

A couple weeks later, I was feeling overwhelmingly scared he was seeing someone else, I went through his phone. There were two saved texts messages from a co-worker named Becky(this is someone he had been trying to get me to want to hang out with for months...saying I would think she was awesome because we both had done ballet almost professionally and what not). The Text message went as followed....''Hey are we still meeting where we had discussed? I can not wait to get to hang out with you''.....The other message was her asking if he had told me he was working the husky cart on Saturday. Too see what their day was going to be able to in-tale together. There was not a saved response from my hubby back to her. I kept what I knew a secret for a very long time.

When he kept pushing me to try and be her friend, I let what I knew out of the bag. I could no longer handle the idea of him going with someone behind my back.

He of course denied any wrong doing. He said that they were meeting in Seattle to get up to Husky stadium. That all in all, I was seriously overreacting.

To this day I dont know the truth of this situation.

Did he have a relationship with this girl? I will never know. I eventually told myself I had to just move on from it. That without firm proof, I would be tearing up our relationship one accusation at a time. I did not/ could not live that way.

After a few months he had totally disconnected his ties with her and even the store they were working at together.

The moral of this story, you have to be very careful how you handle this situation. I totally understand and feel for where you are coming from. There is nothing worse then the idea of your spouse stepping out on you. There is no comfort anyone could give you to make this feeling go away.

I would put money of the fact your husband has no idea this is making you crazy. Being lieutenant, he is naturally the leader. Meaning he has to be close with his crew. They may just have to save each other's lives. so being close to each other is pretty understandable in their line of work.

Where you need to draw the line as his spouse is by pointing out that you feel insecure about how close he has become with his female coworker.

If you make your conversation based on ''I'' statements...HE can not get DEFENSIVE. Because they are feelings YOU are having and even though you know how much he loves you, they are feelings that are there all the same. Being married means for better or worse. Sometimes the worse can be insecurities about your relationship. All of which is acceptable and reasonable.

Chances are as soon as you bring this up to your husband, you will feel a sense of relief that is well deserved for you at this point.

My biggest fear as a wife and mother to my husbands children is him finding someone else he can love more.....and leaves me to fulfill that picture perfect life.

It sucks and will possibly be a bit embarrassing, you need to talk/ work this out with him. He would probably feel better knowing you have these insecurities and you can work on them together. Then to find out down the road you dont trust him and think he would go as far as cheating on you to satisfy his needs or desires. Right now your for better or worse is being tested. How you go forward will pave the way for you guys to become a stronger couple.

Good luck and remember not to overreact on things you may not have the bigger picture too yet.

If your gut is telling you this girl is on the prowl, then you are probably right especially if the "jealous wife" is not your norm. As for hubby, he deserves trust but VERIFIABLE trust! He should let you see the texts if they really aren't a big deal. Tell him you want to see the funny picture of the sleeping guy too. Also, as others have said, he should let you reply to a text or two to let her know you are aware. If you flip out and get crazy, that will turn off hubby but you should still keep an eye out. Let her know your presence. Do you have time to take dinner, cookies, whatever to the fire house sometime when they are both working? Just say you wanted to do something special for everyone. Give hubby a sweet kiss and a simple "Love you" on the way out (in front of everyone). Do you have a girl's night out - maybe invite her along. Make her see and acknowledge you. Also, does hubby have a photo of you and kiddos on his desk? If not, get one on there. Out of sight is out of mind. I trust my husband 100% - truly, I do. That said, I know who the vultures are in our office (we work together but not in the same department). I regularly gift him (b-day, Xmas) updated, framed photos of the kiddos; I gave him a framed wedding photo for our anniversary, etc. His office has 5-6 various photos of our family. It's not over the top but his status is pretty clear when you walk in! He has a coffee mug with the kids' photo on it (we all use coffee mugs to cut down on waste so they are quite visible in the office kitchen). This past Valentine's Day I gave him a photo mug with photos of us and a gushy line (part joke, part offensive move). I do it b/c he loves the gifts but it doesn't hurt that it makes his "married" status quite obvious. Don't go nuts but don't let your guard down either!

I don't think your feelings will go away over night and you are most definitely entitled to them.. This, whether they are warranted or not. That said, maybe you need to sit down with him again and talk about how you feel about her texting him while away from work...

IS there a lot of AFTER work business to discuss.. "Hey, we sure did a great job putting out that fire" did you see that gorgeous hook and ladder go by........Hey Joe, we need a better water main."

Seriously, I would ask the questions that are most definitely on your mind..
Also, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, not everyone might find him as attractive as you do.. You are coming from a perspective of being in love.. those whom are not in love with him, may find him just another guy.. so you really may not have much to worry about... Either way, until you speak to him again, it's gonna haunt you.. I believe it's best to just get it all out there... and then go from there..

My hubby is a firefighter and no I have not been in this predicament but I would not be happy with another woman texting my hubby while they are off. I hear some of the drama that goes on between stations & i am so blessed that my hubby does not have this issue although he has worked with women @ his first station but she welcomed me with open arms. If she is stand offish, BEWARE!!! Best wishes!!

Been there, not ALL fireman, police officers etc. are adrenaline junkies. So cliche!! Unless you live with one you will never know!

Women' intuition is always right!!!!