Feeling Frustrated with 4-Year Old

I gave my son "Request Tickets." Each request cost him one ticket, and he only got a few for the afternoon, so he had to think more carefully about what was really important to him.

It can be really tiring to be the "source" of all good things, can't it? It sounds as if you have two real issues--one is working with your son to help him become more independent, and the other relates to how many snacks are healthy.

Regarding the second, I would consider his total food intake for the day. Some people--not just children--do better with lots of small, frequent meals, while others prefer "three squares." If your son is a nibbler and is eating healthy foods, I wouldn't worry too much about how many times he eats every day. It's just important to make sure all the snacks are healthy parts of his overall nutrition--fruit, water, whole-grains, etc. When my daughter was little, there was a basket on one of the cabinet shelves, and one in the fridge, and she was free to have anything from those baskets as a snack. I'd put in string cheese, fruit, maybe a yogurt or a small plastic bottle of milk in the fridge, plus crackers or pita, and maybe some dried fruit in the cupboard. I just checked and refilled each morning as needed, and she did the rest. We did have a "snacks closed" time, before dinner, after which she had to wait, but for the most part she was able to take care of herself outside of regular meal times.

There are other ways to work with your son to gradually increase his ability to play independently. I would start by talking with him, and maybe making a list with picture cues of things which he can do on his own--drawing, legos, listening to stories on cd's, playdough, whatever. Then, start taking "mommy time" for really short periods at first--maybe five minutes at a time, a few times during the day. Set the timer, and remind him that he can use his list. Give him lots of praise and attention if he succeeds in amusing himself until the timer goes off, and do something--doesn't have to be really long or intensive--together once he's succeeded. Gradually you can increase the length of time as he becomes more self-sufficient.

These preschool years are demanding, but if you are like most of us, you'll look back fondly on the days when all your son really wanted was you! Good luck!

I have felt this way before......and I'm not very proud of it. I had ALOT of guilt when I realized that my kids were "in the way" of me getting things done....

But honestly, kids are kids...and until they are off to Preschool or Kindergarten, they are our priority, above all else.

When I was going through this....I learned to say YES to everything that was asked for by my son(s), and then I followed it with a BUT..... For example, "Mommy, will you help me make this puzzle?" My response, "Yes, of course I will, just after I put the clothes in the Dryer...go ahead and get it ready and I will be right there". The trick was JUST putting the clothes in the dryer, and nothing else :O)It was hard for me not to rinse a few dishes on the way back to the table, or whatever....but keep your promise and only do the Dryer. It's about YOU and HE feeling good through this, not just him :O)

Saying YES allowed me to feel better that I was being more positive instead of using heavy sighs, and possibly hurting feelings :O( Adding the word BUT was always my bargaining tool. After ahwile, you can add "if you help me I'll get done quicker"...usually he said "no", there was occassional "yes's"....either was OK with me.

Saying YES had me adjust other areas of our homelife, though. I didn't want to send him off to school expecting everyone to say YES to him...So, instead of saying "NO", I talked him through what answer I should use....for example; "Mommy, can I have another Fruit Roll?" my response..."Hmmmm, let's see....I want us to eat lunch in 10 minutes, and if you have another fruit roll you're tummy might not have enough room for lunch....what do you think I should say?".....At first, he would still try to talk me into the fruit roll (or whatever) but honestly, sensability came out of it.....Also at first, I do to do some more "convincing" (or mommy persuasion) in order for him to choose the right answer :O)

Feeling frustrated is normal....but me...it came to a point where I felt almost "resentful" at times because i had this big, dirty house and no time to clean it, or shop for it, or decorate it. So, when I realized that I was "resentful" towards my kids, I knew I had to change, because that was NOT the kind of mother I wanted to be. Needing a playmate is normal, I mean who wants to play alone all day??!! (ME!!!) But especially not a 4 yr old boy :O)

He will sense your frustration if you do not "shift" your mindframe. That's something you don't want to happen because then he will take it personally, and you will have other issues to resolve with him.

Just relax and try my YES PLAN, even just one time to see your response and his reaction....I began to feel better right away. I hope it works for you, too.

~N. :O)

My main recommendation is to establish some rhythms to his day. That way he can always expect breakfast, snack, lunch, nap, snack, dinner at around the same time each day. It can also get him to play on his own. Get the book "You Are Your Child's First Teacher" by Rahima Baldwin Dancy and look to some Waldorf education books, as well. If you use a bell, or xylophone to signal it's time to play with a certain toy, or it's time for mommy to read after snack time - at the approx. the same time every day, he will come to expect (and crave) the structure.
Begin meals by lighting a candle and once you are finished, he blows it out until the next meal or snack. No snacking in between. Are his main meals full of enough calories to hold him over? Protein, veggies and some wholegrain bread or pasta?
Email me if you want more suggestions. We have a little boy who always wanted mommy or gramma to play or read with him, but since attending a Waldorf class and reading the book I recommended we have had great success with our son.

I know how you feel. I have a 4 year old boy as well.
I don't worry about his snacking as long as he has eaten the previous meal. Snacks must be "open and enjoy" type foods. The kitchen is not open for cooking, except for regularly scheduled meals.
My son also likes a lot of attention from me. We have tried to establish a schedule that I will play with him from 10:00 am till lunch time. That way if he wants me to play at other times I can tell him no without feeling guilty, because we have our designated time. If I have time in the afternoon I may take a break and play for 15 minutes. I also encourage my husband to play with him for a while after dinner.

As for time to work without a helper or give yourself a break we have "quiet time" from 1PM- 2PM. My son has to go play quietly in his room. He may not ask me for anything or come out, except to use the rest room.
All of these things take consistent practice, but soon he will figure out the schedule and work smoothly with it.
and on those days when you feel like pulling your hair out, just think it won't be long before he will be in school, all day, 5 days a week. What will you do with yourself then?

He shouldn't need to snack all day. You can tell him "no." Or lay out a healthy snack tray that he can pick from. He can drink water, which he should be able to get for himself.

If he's a child who needs a lot of attention (I had one), try to give him at least 1/2 hour to 1 hour of undivided attention a day. Then you can feel okay when you have to tell him that he needs to play by himself.

Try not to be annoyed. He's just a little thing. This is just the kind of child he is, and he can't help that. I spent a lot of time being annoyed with my high-needs child, and I regret it now. One day he won't want or need you any more, and you won't be able to get that time back.

I can so relate...My four year old is the same way. She wants snack after snack after snack, and talks constantly. She plays well with her siblings, but when the older ones are at school and the baby is napping she wants my full attention. As far as the snacks go, I have decided that she is a growing girl, and it is better to snack through out the day then to eat several large meals, so I keep a lot of healthy snacks on hand. When she is in a snack mood, I make her a plate with a variety of snacks and set her up outside or with a movie, this way it will take her awhile to eat them, and she is not coming to me for another, right after the first. Some examples, are baby bell peppers, salami, cheese, and mandarin oranges, or apples, walnuts, yogurt and toast. I cut things up small, so they take longer to eat. I figure if they are healthy snacks, then it is okay to let her graze. As far as the attention thing, I find if I tell her that I will play for ten minutes and then I need to go do something for ten minutes, then that will usually fly. I also set her up with projects that she can do by herself such as painting, playdough, or coloring. Setting a timer migh† help, saying "the timer is set for ten minutes," when it beeps you can put away your playdough and we will read together." Gradually set the timer for more time. Good luck!

Your 4 year old is asking for things all of the time because it is working for him. He is persistent and gets what he wants. 4 years is old enough to understand that adults have needs, too. As a teacher for many years, I find that this has changed over the years. Parents are now much more reluctant than they were in the past to set limits on a child's behavior. Many parents now want children to be happy all of the time, but this is unrealistic. Children will not be damaged by having some wants delayed. Sometimes children wants things that they do not need to have at that moment. It is healthy to teach this to children. Children are developmentally self-centered during their infant, toddler and preschool years. It is up to adults to teach children that other people have needs, too, and that includes their parents. Obviously an infant is not ready for this lesson, but a 4 year old is.

With the snack and drink issue, make sure that you offer your child healthy foods at meals. Then allow your child only one snack time between meals. This is reasonable. And make sure that the snacks are healthy foods, too, not junk food. He will continue to hound you for snacks if they are junk foods that he likes better than the meals. He needs to learn to set limits on his eating, too or he will have a weight issue.

Get a small pitcher and glass that your son can use independently and fill it with water for him to pour for himself when he wants a drink between meal and snack times. He is old enough to learn some independence, and allowing him to do things he can do for himself is a good way to start letting go. He no longer needs you to do everything for him like he did when he was an infant. It is helpful for you to set the expectation that he is capable of doing some things himself. He may protest this at first because he likes that attention he is getting by having you do things for him. So you have to be consistent, gently assuring him that you would like him to try, and you know that he can do it himself.

To get your son to play independently for a time, by training him to do this. Start him on an activity such as building blocks or legos, playdough at the kitchen table, etc. tell him that you have work to do and that you would like to have him play with this activity by himself for 10 minutes and then you will play with him, read him a book, etc. for 10 minutes. Gradually increase the amount of time you ask him to play independently. He will learn that he can have your undivided attention some of the time if he lets you do what you need to do. This is better than being with him all of the time, giving in to his demands and then feeling resentful and angry with him. When you constantly give in to his wants, you are teaching him that he is the center of the universe and does not need to consider anyone else's needs. Children who have been taught this have a very difficult time adjusting to the school environment. They are whiny and demanding at school and do not make themselves popular with the teachers. Please teach your child to have consideration for the needs of others (including you). His kindergarten teacher will thank you!

Is there a way that you could start showing him how to do things himself? Like if he wants a drink, how to get it, put snacks in a drawer that are just for him, show him how to open them, let him help you cook, give him a chore to do (mop the floor, sweep, vacuum, help dust), these all are life skills he will need as he gets older and as part of the household it's a good idea to get him started feeling a part of the house now.
He's 4 and it sounds like an only child so you are his only "play friend" in the house. Maybe invite some neighborhood friends over to play once or twice a week.
Have a time when he has to read books, take him to thelibrary and for an hour a day he has to read.....or color.

good luck
K.

oh and snacks, I let my kids graze until about an hour and a half before dinner or a meal.

Hi

I agree with Page and would also add, what types of snacks do you give him? I ask because certain foods do drive hunger, such as too many carbs. Additionally, is he getting enough water? Sometimes people mistaken thirst as being hungry not to mention, think that giving a child juice is as good as giving water. (it isn't) Before you give him a snack, I would first give him some good ol pure water. then see if his hunger slip slides. Also, add more fiber rich food that will take more time to digest, anything processed simply jets thru you and raises one's bloodsugar and then slaps it back down.. hence, you feel like you need more food to pick you back up. Now, he may be experiencing that without your knowing since he can't really tell you specifically what is going on other than, he wants another snack. Many parents give their children too many crackers and stuff like that, it really doesn't do too much to thwart hunger in the long run. Oh another thing that might help is soup. My son's grandmother makes my child homemade minestrone soup for which he eats a huge bowl.. it's good for him and fills him up. you don't have to make homemade soup, but you could find a nutritional non-salty one and hey, this might help his hunger pangs.
best of luck to you :)

I am in agreement with many of the comments and wanted to add that it's a great time to enlist your 4 year old to help. Mine were enlisted to help as young as 1 1/2. No, the laundry wasn't folded properly and the toy pick up could use some help but the little help taught life long skills and over time they were really able to clean up and be a big help. It will give him something to do while giving you time to get things done as well. Not only did it help my kids become independent but it ultimately gave me the help I needed in accomplishing the tasks I wanted done. We now celebrate with "fun" time after chores for all of us to enjoy! Best of luck.

Hi - you got some great ideas and responses. To add to what the last mom said Kerry M Yes, do look at the total food intake. If you are wanting to get away from the snacking do your best to hold off till meal time and make sure he is getting full on the meal so he won't snack as much. Keep in mind kids snack that's what they do.
As far as the always asking you to play. Not to repeat everything the mom's have said about preschool. Bu tI tell you they get so much from it. My son is very social also (now 5) and I don't know what I would have done with out preschool. He needed the interaction, play, not to mention he's now in kindergarten and is much further along education wise than the kids that did go or have very little pre school. It paid off.
Just remember when he's on your last nerve - it's just a phase.
Good Luck.

It sounds like you need me time. The only way you are going to get that and make your child happy about being around other kids his age is putting him pre-school part-time. You can do 5 days a week for 4 hours or you can do 3 days a week for 4 hours. He will be starting kindergarten at 5 years old and he needs to know how to play around kids his own age.

He is probably bored that is why he is eating all those snacks. The reason he does not play independently is because he wants someone to play with him. That is why I think pre-school is the answer.

Lots of good suggestions... but I wanted to add... I remember feeling so much like you with my toddler. Found out I was anemic, very anemic. No wonder I had no energy or patience... Something to check out perhaps...

I'm just going to chime in one more time on the subject of a good preschool--a parent cooperative nursery school could be just the ticket for both of you--your son will get the chance to interact with others kids his age and not just need you as a playmate all the time. You will get the chance to interact with other moms AND other kids and see that your kid is perfectly normal, and most of the coops have parent education and you will learn so much about the skill of parenting--these kids don't come with how-to manuals, but there sure is a plethora of really good teachers out there! If you live on the Peninsula I can recommend a couple of great coops, starting with Carlmont Parents Nursery School in Belmont, where I and my three kids attended.

Have fun!

This is why it's so hard to be a stay at home mom. This is also why, if you don't thrive on this stuff 24/7 (like most of the rest of us sane adults), you need to put him in preschool, at least part time, or hire a sitter on a regular basis. When you are able to take a break, get some things done around the house, and, just as importantly, spend some adult time with adult friends, you will have much more energy and patience for the time you spend with him, and both of you will enjoy it more.

As for the snacking, how much you let him snack is up to you, but you need to make a routine. If you want to allow him one afternoon snack, say at two o'clock, then tell him he can have one snack, at two o'clock, and he can choose from, for example, an apple or a cracker (give him only a very limited choice). Then stick to it. When he finally realizes you mean it, he will stop hounding you for snacks at other times. (Of course, he will drive you nuts asking what time it is... and you can start teaching him about telling time.)

Routines are really important, not only to you getting relief from constant begging, but also for giving him a sense of order, that is, that things happen at certain times, in certain ways: you get up at certain times, you eat meals at certain times, you have naps and baths at certain times, and you go to bed at certain times. You can add routines for lots of things, and you may want to start with a "snack routine." Good luck. It's not easy.

Yes, I remember all of that. =)
As far as snacks, I have always found that if I ask what is wanted...it's nothing but trouble. If I put out a selection of things they would just eat it all. I like to put a plate with a bunch of those tiny glass bowls, with different things. A little soup, some cottage cheese, some fruit some chicken, some celery, etc. I have found that kids often get sick of just one thing, and think they are full, because they don't want to eat it any more, but they are not actually full---so if they have a little bit of several things, they eat bigger meals and can go longer between the meals.
If he wants to play but you have things to do, maybe you can work it out so he can "help" or at least be with you. So if you cook or do laundry, he can hand you things. It might slow you down, but not as much as if he is bored and lonely and wanting your attention.
Also you can try setting a timer for how long you will play or how long he has to play alone.
You can help him come up with ideas for things he can do along, and put those items out to help him remember. Little ones tend to have their minds go blank sometimes about activities or directions, because their memories are shorter!

I'm glad you're getting some helpful replies here. I spent several years as a preschool teacher and definitely noticed a good handful of very zesty, engaging, perhaps needy 4 year old boys over the years. A good school or day care community seemed like just the right thing for someone so hungry for interaction and input. Also, the routines were so firm and clear, they were pretty much inarguable as the whole group was going along with it. Maybe a half day at something like this would be fun for your both?

I think it is essential that kids learn self reliance early on, this includes going to sleep on their own and playing by themselves for a reasonable amount of time. A routine really helps, reading a story before bed time, putting out a basket of legos for him while you do laundry or check email. I don't think moms should be "playmates" because our kids need to test themselves against peers to gain true self confidence. Why don't you watch a friend's child in exchange for her taking your child to play at her house for a few hours each week?

When you need quiet time I would suggest not being around your son, having an activity play basket that is large and colorful and a special rug for him to play on. Explain in normal language called emotional scaffolding openly (and not when you are in the midst of a situation with him that frustrates both of you) that Mom loves to play with 4 and answer his questions, and when it is *(select an hour) ((according to his biological clock and after some running outside, tricycling and areoblic activity)) show him the basket that could include a few interactive toys that are challenging and do on your own challenges i.e. rubric cube, age appropriate self interactive toys, and a book and get him settled and tell him I need you to have some rest and relaxation time with me. R and R time.

When you tell him and show him ahead of time what you expect you are being caring. Also even if he doesn't totally understand the words and the picture at first your calm and caring tone of voice at a lower key will be soothing and help him.

Then give it a test drive. When he leaves his R and R space talk to him calmly and lead him by the hand back to his R and R space. We already ate for now. Have you looked at your book yet?

Bathroom and a snack ought to occur before R and R and after playing outside. Make an appointment for you to go and get a massage. Make a daily r and r time for 4 and you. Structure is what children really hunger for and when an adult implements a structured day consistently everybody's emotional needs can be met.

P.S. When you get frustrated with 4 get into some physical activity. Good for both of you. Turn on the radio and dance and get him to move also.

L. Vahle, M.S., M.F.T. http://www.thedisabilitydigest.net/160.html you can follow me at the email address below where for free you can talk to experts, make extra money at home, and get connected.

I am not going to add anything more to what everyone else has said except that everything they have said has great merit. I suffer the same issues as you and I have four children from 7 to 2. I will definitely be using their recommendations myself and I am so grateful for this resource. I think the best thing is the allotted time and the list of things that can be played with alone (as reminders to him). I also agree with the healthy snacks available, but also would say limit the time distance from meals, to ensure he eats a proper meal. I found that my children were snacking all day (I would take things with me in the car in case of melt downs etc) and they weren't eating the things I had labored over for their meals. A routine is always the way to go... with sleep, food, and now I am realizing with play and quiet time too. I never did the quiet time and wish I had. Start now!
Good luck.

Dear S H,
I know it's hard to juggle everything. I had two kids and my elderly father-in-law who had dimentia living with us. Bless his heart, sometimes he was worse than the kids. I couldn't take my eyes off of him for a second. I had one kid who needed help with homework, another kid in diapers and Grandpa who might decide out of the blue that he needed to build a fire when it was 90 degrees.
You have to get creative.
My daughter had to read so many books a week so I would park Grandpa in his chair and have my daughter sit by him and read out loud while I cleaned the kitchen or folded laundry or started dinner. My son was fascinated by keys. I would lock our office door and give him a key ring with about 20 keys on it and he would stand there patiently trying every key. I also had a little lock box that he could sit and listen to the story and try to open. He was also fascinated by the vacuum cleaner. I bought him a toy one for Christmas and he would "vacuum" for an hour.
My kids and I had "happy hour". After my husband got home or we had someone else to keep an eye on Grandpa, that's when we let loose. We went to my room which was a separate part of the house and danced, sang, played dress up, did puzzles, played games or cards. We did it every single day and if there was something they wanted to do like play candyland or chutes and ladders, they put it in the happy hour basket and we did it when we could shut everything else out.
At 4, your son is old enough to be given a task like vacuuming. It doesn't have to be perfect, but you can tell him it will really help you if....
Kids who can entertain themselves are worth their weight in gold.
Preschool even a few hours a week might help him gain some independence.
I think some kids who want to snack all day get in the habit of doing so because they aren't doing something else.
My kids never napped, but they had to go in their rooms for rest time. I started that when they were babies and there was never any arguments because I never made it about sleeping. It wasn't a punishment, it was just quiet time. In that regard, they understood mommy having quiet time too if I needed to pay bills or be on the phone without a kid on my lap or bugging me.
It takes a little work, but you will get it figured out.

I, too, was surprised how when my children were babies, how much attention they asked for, so much attention I did not have time to do all the housework and take care of my own needs ( eat my meals, shower, go to the bathroom...)

At 4 years old, my question is: does your child go the a preschool program? May be it is time to find a place for him to play with others, not just you. His needs to interact will be met, as well as your needs to get time for yourself and time to get done your other obligations.

There is nothing wrong with your child wanting to interact with you. You might be successful playing for longer periods by himself starting at 3 minutes at a time, a slowly increase it, giving him specific activity and instructions.

Your frustration is an indication that it is time to move on to the next stage!

D. Orr
daliacoachesparents.com

Hello SH, as the mother of 5, having been a foster parent, and now the Grandparent of several sweethearts, I want to respond.
I know that children can be a bit over whelming. Why did you have your child? I did because of having someone that was very special and magical love in my life. I have been very blessed by my children, they invented the term ADD becasue of thier Curious George way of doing things.
Please look at how you have your day set up, ask yourself just how much time are you spending with your child instead of placing other things in front of the child. Having 5 children and sometimes more all at once I learned that they came first not the house, the yard not my personal time. I have seen the damaged child, that was 3rd of a persons to do list. Chhildren are only young for a short time. So don't cheat yourself or the child out of sweet memories by not playing, reading, flying a kite, heck when was the last time you took your child out to see the stars at night or the clouds in the daytime and how they change. This child is a treasure. I want to suggest that a child/adult will fill their empty time with food. We learned this with our various children. So if you are going to have set meal times so they are regulated and then snacks that are inbetween but not excessive that works-- on the otherhand if you don't have set meal times, then what may happen is there is constant hunger. There is a feeling of needing to be filled up-- sort of like while we are cooking we start tasting everything or snacking while we cook. I wish you and your child well, Nana Glenda