Moms,
I've written a lot asking for advice about weaning, sleeping, etc, and you have been most helpful and I've taken many of your posts seriously and have implemented your wonderful strategies. I am in the early stages of the first trimester of pregnancy and the fatigue is hitting me like a ton of bricks. In addition, we're moving to Europe in 4 weeks. Our daughter has become a much better sleeper over the last month. We put her down around 6 or 6:15...I'd like for it to be later but when she only takes one, morning nap, and refuses an afternoon nap, there isn't much we can do; she falls apart by the early evening. As opposed to the usualy 3 or 4 night wakings we dealt with for months, she now wakes once a night. It's not ideal, I wish it weren't that way, but it is what it is. I decided several weeks ago to cut out the night nursing because I know she doesn't need it, it's just behavioral, and it was perpetuating the cycle. However, my theory has not held true and night weaning has not resulted in a baby who sleeps through. That's fine; we just find other ways to soothe her and usually she babbles for a while and goes back to sleep. Occasionally, it can be a real pain to get her back to sleep....LIKE LAST NIGHT! She woke up at 1 am. I stuck to my guns and refused to nurse her. I went in about 4 times to pat her back, etc. There were long stretches of silence where we thought she went back to sleep, only to have her start fussing again, asking to be nursed. My husband who usually has luck getting her back to sleep, was unsuccessful. Finally, after over 2 hours, I caved in and nursed her. I was so mad and felt like she won. On the other hand, I saw how tired she was and how she was trying hard to go back to sleep but for whatever reason could not. She was not wet or dirty, and did not seem in pain. She was just up, babbling, practicing all her new vocabulary words. IS THIS NORMAL? Do your toddlers wake up and babble? We thought because she was up for over 2 hours, she'd "sleep in". Nope. She was up at 5:20 and I was so wiped out, I brought her in to bed and let her nurse. Again, I feel like I failed. The only thing I've been consistent with the last 3 days is cutting out the morning nap nurse. I plan to give that a week and then begin cutting out the one before bed. I guess I'm just feeling really upset----really tired and really nervous that my baby has some kind of sleep disorder. Any encouragment would be much appreciated as I'm just feeling like my 16 month old is somehow manipulating me in to nursing her...which is not a good feeling to have towards a little pumpkin who I love to pieces.
Thanks for the support. I'm sure once I rest and am less emotional about this, I'll be able to have a better perspective. She is teething, but orajel rubbed on her gums usually does the trick---last night was really unusual. I can't remember the last time she was up for over 2 hours. We do have a special song we sing and it calmed her down immediately, followed by quiet stretches and then more crying...so we knew something was bothering her. She has two blankies and a bear that she adores. I've never played music for her as she's failling asleep; before bed she goes to sleep beautifully so I'm not sure if I should introduce it during the night when she wakes up or if that will serve to stimulate her. I tried offering her water before I nursed her and she got pretty mad. My husband feels that maybe I should have just nursed her right away when she woke up at 1 and then we all could have gotten sleep. But, I've been pretty consistent with not nursing her during the night and I didn't want to give in...perhaps I should of. I know many have suggested I try to move her morning nap to noon and then give her a later bedtime, but I'm finding it quite difficult to do that. As an example, she is already back in her bed now...and it's 8 am...she's clingy and clearly very tired. Ultimately, I know it will all work itself out, and perhaps moving to Europe will actually help to sort of reset her internal clock. Maybe I'm trying to do too much at once and nursing her once a night isn't such a bad thing, even if I'm pregnant. Thank you again and I hope you all have a meaningful holiday today!
Have you tried talking to her about? Actually using the words "At bedtime it is time to sleep, so I will not feed you at night anymore. It's time to sleep like a big girl." I struggled with my son at that age, until I realized that he understood what I was saying and all my different techniques were not nearly as effective as explaining the situation to him.
If you can live with another 6 weeks of night nursing 1 time, you may be better off. She's teething AND you're going to be moving. That's upheaval city for an adult. It may help, calm and comfort both of you to wait till the changes have passed. I nursed my guy till he was 2.5 years old, so it's possible but not everyone can do it. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're going through a lot and you'll both need all the sleep and comfort you can get.
You are never a failure if you do something you know will make your baby more comfortable or sleep better. True when you first wean it's hard on the little one, as they are used to that comfort but you are pregnant, moving and I am sure she senses the stress and just wants mommy. At this point schedule be darned and do what will give you and your baby the most rest and comfort. Good luck in your new country and adventure, let us know how the moms are handeling it over there!!
You are not a failure when you are doing your best and following your mommy heart and brain.. You are pregnant and you are exhausted. You must take care of your health. You all are also about to have a huge move and change in your lifestyles, so again there are going to be transitions.
Yes, it sounds very normal for your daughter to not want to take an afternoon nap.
But she really needs that afternoon nap. putting her to bed at 6:00 means at about 1:00 she could be wide awake. If you could push that sleep time to 8:00 or 8:30, it is going to help YOU have normal sleep.
What I would suggest... is to tell her during lunch time, is that "mommy needs a nap". "Will you please help put mommy to bed and lay next to her quietly so she can rest?"Have HER read you a story, have her pat your back..have her put a blanket on you this will give her some control and some close time with you.
We always played quiet music for our daughter each night. She liked Vivaldi.. We played it quietly and eventually she would hear a few notes and just drop off.. As she got older we found some childrens books on CD that she liked to have played as she fell off to sleep.
When your daughter wakes up in the middle of the night do not turn on any lights. Try to do it all in the dark. Use a very low voice. and try not to make too much eye contact. You could also have a sippy cup of water or milk ready for her. Tell her "mommies milk is too tired". Or if you are ready to stop BF all together, some moms have suggest putting bandaides on their breast and saying "there is no more milk."
Hang in there. We have all been in the same spot..
Have a wonderful holiday. Give your babygirl a big hug. Our babygirl is now a junior in college far away, so she is not here till Christmas. This time with your child really will fly by.
Hugs to you, you sound like a caring mama who wants the best for her little one. No, she is not manipulating you into nursing, YOU are manipulating yourself w/your guilt. At 16 months she is physically and emotionally able to be weaned if that is what you have decided is best. She is also able to understand what is going on if you just talk to her. I have found w/any transition my daughter and I are going through that talking to her makes all the difference. Let her know that there will be no more nursing. Take her to the store and let her pick out a stuffed animal to hold close. Keep talking about what is happening and how much you love her. Now is also a good time to institute a special bedtime routine. My daughter and I have a special song we listen to before bed each night. I started this when I weaned her at 12 months and it has carried on now for 3 years. We each still get to have that closeness, just in a way that works for BOTH of us. You don't want to confuse her by going back and forth with the nursing. If you tell her no more, then keep your word. Hang in there, mama, be strong and if not nursing is what is best, then "stick to your guns" lady! :)
Sometimes you do what you have to do to survive. I wouldn't be to hard on myself if I were you. I have a nearly 2 year old that still wakes up in the night. I give her a drink of water and change her diaper. Add a snack before you send her to bed and see if you can slowly move that morning nap later. If you could get her to stay up until noon things will go much more smoothly. Be prepared that no matter what you do now it will be disrupted with the move. Go take a nap when your little one does. Everything will feel better after some rest.
You remind me of me! Sometimes I think it is easier to jump in to either full attachment parenting or the type of parents who feel just fine doing Cry it Out. Being in the middle means making a lot of little decisions and dealing with the ensuing guilt when you feel you are depriving your child and also the resentment when you feel overburdened by all the needs of your child to the point where you feel manipulated. I have felt both these extremes and finally realized I needed to make my decisions not out of fear of coddling my child or fear of public opinion. On the other side of it, I try not to make decisions in fear of my child's reaction either! It is not always easy since I tend to be a nervous perfectionist but I can't apply that standard to mothering.
Some kids are easy sleepers from practically birth with only minor setback when teething or sick. Some kids (like mine and it seems like yours) will cycle through periods of crappy sleep every couple of months as they develop new skills or have new stresses in their lives.
Try to center yourself a little when it comes to this issue and many others--you need to consider your needs right now being pregnant like you are. If YOU are ready to wean (not your friends) then commit to weaning. I weaned my daughter from 12 mths old to 16 mths. She was not night nursing anymore and did not nurse to sleep for naps or at night. I started that at 7 months because she was such a bad sleeper. I felt like she could handle it and running a daycare while nursing was difficult. She did fine dropping the day nursings but the before sleep nursing was the last to go and I did it at her pace. For a time she seemed like she began rejecting the night nurse and then suddenly voraciously wanted it again. I had finally learned this was not manipulation on her part it is just part of being a child. Don't feel bad about night nursing her when you were desperate --we all do this kind of thing and yeah it'll make the next day a little harder to get back on track but you are not back at square one. Be patient with yourself and your toddler.
I'd recommend Baby Whisperer or Elizabeth Pantley No Cry Sleep Solutions for advice but in the end you have to feel confident in making decisions for you and your child.
REPEAT AFTER ME: I am not a failure. You are human. You need sleep, you react with what will work. At sixteen months she is not manipulating, she is doing what she knows what works too, letting you know what she wants (good job mom, assertive child!) and YES, it is normal. So, enjoy your Thanksgiving, your wonderful little family. We all feel like failures at times. This is not a failure so toss that out the door...window, your heart wherever. One day she will grow and if she is manipulating you to do deceitful things or obtain things she shouldn't have you will know it. IN the meantime, enjoy any moments of rest you can. There are many more important things in life than this being an issue.
awww don't feel bad!! She is used to nursing and hasn't adjusted to self soothing yet, I don't think she has any sleep disorder. I think that she is just very little and wants her mama. My oldest is 3 and I always rocked him to sleep as a baby. Do you know that the rocker is still in his room?? We still rock him every night:D Of course now it is just for a couple minutes while we say prayers, and then he crawls in bed but he is used to it and "needs" it. My lil on who is 10 months old has never been rocked and sleeps great. So I don't think she is manipulating you at all, I think she is just little and having a hard time too. Do you have any music playing in her room when she goes to sleep. I put on very soft music for my little one and he loves it and knocks right out. He is used to hearing Twinkle Twinkle little star and he drifts off. Maybe playing a very soft cd of lullabies would help. Soon she will associate that sound with sleep. If I lay my baby down awake I always put his music on and he drifts right off. Also, what about a favorite little stuffed toy to cuddle up with. Babies her age are so cuddly, so maybe that would help. I think you have done great weaning her in the day, you could always try to do the night weaning when you are out of your first trimester. Some children nurse until about 2 years old, so I don't think it would be bad for her and it might help you all rest better since she is down to only waking once a night. I don't think it will be a problem later, we tried to potty train my son too early, went back to diapers and some months later, he is potty trained and doing great. So sometimes you can go back on something you thought was time to do and just pick it up later without a big issue. Take care!!!!
I do remember that feeling of "caving in" too and being upset with myself over night nursing. Listen, we are human and sometimes you need your sleep. You can get back on track and your daughter will wean. You haven't suffered a set back, you are just still running the race. You are doing well. You have a lot of concerns to deal with right now and you are dealing with them all, so you are doing a good job.
I wonder if she is teething. I feel that when my son teethes, the two biggest indicators are a rash around his mouth and disrupted sleep,including being up in the middle of the night for 2 hours (this happened when the molars were coming in) he really doesn't show other symptoms.
Maybe talk to your pediatrician for some reassurance, but I feel she doesn't have a sleeping disorder. I think you lack of sleep is making you fear the worse.
It is nerve wracking to think your baby ma\ight be manipulating you. I have had those feelings and it certainly "raises the stakes" on how you handle things. I try to remember that I have time to work things out and to be mindful of not adding to what I fear may be a power struggle. To be a power struggle , you have to have the idea that you are in a fight, but you are not, you are just trying to teach her a new behavior.
She is NOT manipulating you.
And don't worry about what is NORMAL.
You know your own child better than anyone else does.
NORMAL is whatever she is doing, as long as she is healthy and thriving.
I'm wondering if cuttng back on nursing at this time is a good idea
since you're moving in a few weeks.
Moving is teribly stressful.
Nursing would be a stress reliever both for you and for her.
Particularly on the long flight.
Please don't mess up your internal self awareness/concept
by feeling like a failure.
You are NOT a failure.
You are a nursing mother doing the best you can.
Which is a very good thing.
This may go against the grain but since you are moving to Europe in a month I would just stop and let her nurse. I know that you are pregnant and such but the change right now is only going to set her back when you move.
I have moved several times with small children and when it is this close to the move I continued to do what was a routine until we got settled in the new location. Besides you are going to have time changes and things to deal with and everyone is going to be tired for a good month after the move. By the time you get everything back to normal the other baby will almost be here. So stop beating yourself up and enjoy her nursing because once she is done you will miss it.
Have a happy holiday season and an uneventful move to Europe.
The other S.
PS I hope you have a dictionary for the country you will be in other than England so that you get familiar with the language.
i could have written this post a couple months ago. i definitely feel your pain of many night time wakings and feeling manipulated into breastfeeding and being pregnant all at the same time:) this is my 3rd pregnancy while nursing a toddler and my other 2 weaned on their own because the milk starts to taste funny and is not as abundant:) my littlest one only recently dropped his night feeding and definitely seems less interested in nursing to sleep. i find it usually happens when i'm about 5 months pregnant.
also, this may not work for you but putting a full size bed (fenced in) in his room instead of a crib has seriously changed my life. i decided my sleep was more important than weaning or self soothing. i now just go in and lay with him in the middle of the night and we both go back to sleep in his bed and he doesn't wake up anymore. since i started doing this i have been in his room much less often and he will even sleep through the night sometimes:)
i know this phase seems so yucky especially when you're so exhausted already, but it does get better and soon enough you'll have a new one and this one will be older and this will all be a distant memory. good luck to you and your growing family and happy thanksgiving!!
Just to know my 8yo will still wake in the middle of the night hungry if he's in a growth spurt ... but when he was a toddler it was every night. I just had food ready to be zapped warm during growth spurts (he needed a whole warm meal), and a bottle full of milk during every other time. Having something solid in his stomach was 100% necessary for him to get back to sleep and STAY asleep. I mean... I could spend 30 minutes soothing him to sleep... but he'd just wake up an hour or two later all over again.
Can you save some dinner for her that can be reheated easily? Might be worth a try, at the very least... takes longer for her to digest and it's less exhausting than nursing.
When my daughter waslittle, my motto was: Hungry children will not sleep. Sometimes a child might want to eat because of a habit, other times it's due to hunger. You have to evaluate each instance... Especially with growth spurts, the impetus my change for week to week.
You are doing fine! My one rule for myself was that sometimes I had to go with the flow and it didn't matter what was "right" - I did what I needed to get through it. She might be teething, as mentioned, or hungry, or feels your stress level. One thing I didn't see when I skimmed the responses was that sometimes when they are on the verge of a developmental leap it can mess up their sleep patterns. Their little brains are busy processing vast amounts of information and it can keep them up at night. This might not make you feel better right now, but it is really a miracle in progress! Little ones have fewer mechanisms for dealing with these things (as an infant, the only methods for relieving their "stress" is suckling or crying - and I know which I as the mother preferred to use).
I also nursed my first while pregnant with my second. It's not recommended, but it is certainly possible to do so in a healthy way.
Good luck, and nap when you can also.
your 16 month old is most likely getting on some molars and needs to nurse to relieve pain. This is why i coslept so i could roll over , nurse her for 2 minutes and then wed go back to sleep. you gotta wake all night to pee so whats the difference. your 16 month old is planning at night on how to manipulate you...you need to do what is best for you which is more sleeep at night. Look at it that way and i have a feeling youll find the right answer
Stuff her to full capacity during the day, all day, every day, give it a few days to register in her system that she has been eating more calories. She won't need to eat during the night, she's WAY OLD enough not to. And yes, at that age, she's manipulating you. But she won't even be awake to manipulate you anymore if she's full.
You seem a little too aware of everything she is doing during the night. Is she in her own room? Let her sleep deeply and independently and don't interfere. She'll feel much better when sleeping at night is the norm.
