Facing Miscarried Baby's Due Date :(

I had quite a few miscarriages before I had my dd. I had my own little private memorial service for my lost babies. I did this by myself, but I think it helped.

I always remember my angel baby's due date and although I won't forget it, it does get easier over time. Now, 8 years past, I take the time during the day to go somewhere quiet, say a prayer for that baby and a prayer of thanks for my kids who are with me. I never commemorated it in any way, except privately, in my mind. I still keep the pregnancy calendar I had started in one of my drawers though - I don't really look at it, but I can't get rid of it either.

My prayers go out to you and your children including your angel.

The first year, I thought about it a lot. Years following, I didn't. Mine was very early on - I had just gotten used to the idea and then the baby was gone. Take some time for some self-care.

I think Wild Woman said it very succinctly-- we do learn to deal with it.

I had three miscarriages before becoming pregnant with my son. The first two didn't get far enough along for me to know a due date or keep it in my head, the last one was much harder for some complex reasons. Suffice it to say, I think finding something constructive to do to honor that little life is a great idea. A perennial plant which will bear something which feeds your soul (fruit, flowers) is great. Or you might consider making baby blankets or knitting baby caps for the NICU or a shelter in your area.

Sometimes, you can also find meaning in writing a letter to the baby and then letting it go, either burning it in a meaningful fire or letting it go in moving water. After my second miscarriage, my ex husband and I went to a favorite park with a stream and blew bubbles, let our notes to 'baby' go on the water down to the Willamette River.

As for what to say to your kids, first- try, if you can, to cry alone. I sometimes would say "oh, I have to go get something, I'll be right back" and go alone to sob for a few minutes. If they ask, you can just tell them, 'oh, you know, I'm a little sad, but it's not about anything you did" and move the conversation back to what they are doing in that moment.

Healing happens slowly, but it does happen. Remember that there is nothing we could have done to prevent the miscarriages-- they are just one of the hard parts of life and they *happen*. If you find you are still feeling this grief so strongly a while after the one-year mark, do talk to a grief counselor or someone else who has experience discussing pregnancy losses. Sometimes we have more going on that just the loss of the pregnancy-- there are a lot of facets to this sort of loss, so be kind to yourself and get help if you feel you need it.

Hugs to you.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I miscarried my twins 4 years ago, and it was one of the most difficult things I have ever endured.
That first year was the hardest; we got pregnant again very quickly, and I spent the whole pregnancy mourning my twin girls.
Now, we are 2 baby boys past my miscarriage. But I still think about the twins. My kids all knew, and they talk about them too. We have 5 kids here, and 2 in heaven, and that's just the way it is. I don't get sad very often at all anymore, but I can't tell you how often I have teared up in the darndest places, when I see twins.
Give it some time, and allow yourself to grieve in whatever way you need to. I have read books that have helped, and I have chatted online with women who went through similar things. Those things did help.

I'm so sorry for your loss.....

I've not been in that situation, but you've gotten a lot of good posts.

Could you do something, like plant a tree, to commemorate the date, without explaining it to the kids? I don't know if you live in a house where that could be done, but maybe you could sponsor a tree to be planted somewhere? What about at a favorite local park? That way, when you see the tree, you know your angel baby lives on, even if it is only in your (and your husband's) memory.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I miscarried my first pregnancy. I rarely think it. I quickly told myself nature has its ways of making things as they should be, and I looked at it as a bittersweet blessing.

I then got pregnant 3 months later and just looked forward...

I had a therapist when I was a teenager that said, you get a week to mourn a loss, but then you have to get up. Get the tears out and then look forward. I've always found this helpful.

I'm so sorry about your baby. My mom suffered 4 miscarriages, 3 after me, then 2 healthy babies, then a 4th miscarriage. By the time of her 4th I was about 10 years old, and she told me about it, and then also told me about the first 3. I am glad that she did--my older sister and I bent over backwards to make her happy during that time, and she had people she could talk to about it. If your kids are any older than 10, I'd seriously considering sharing the story with them. I've always loved knowing that I have 4 angel brothers in heaven watching over me.

August 23rd is a hard day for me. And that will be 9 years this year.

That's when my Alexis was due. I was 22 weeks along. You learn to deal with it. i know that sounds cold, but you do. You will find posts like this hard, and it will drudge up all the old feelings, make you cranky, whatever...that's what happened to me last month - I was foul - SUPER DUPER foul and couldn't figure out why - then my girlfriends helped me through it.

the first year is the hardest. I will tell you that. Each year gets a little better. it will NEVER go away. Not that I have found. You will always have a piece of you missing. But you learn. You keep your feet moving forward and you don't look back - you can - but don't linger for long - live in the here and now, not in the past and what could or would have been...

Blessings to you. you are not alone.

I did a lot of crying. It took me about two years to feel ok with mine. About that time I finally became pregnant again and was blessed with a little girl. The first year was really hard, though. If I thought about it at all, I'd start crying. Just such a hard loss, the little life that you will never know here on Earth. I know someday we'll meet and reunited, though. I'm sure of that. Hang in there; I'm so sorry for your loss.

This is harder to go through because no one knows. You need to find a friend to talk to. They can be your sounding board and you will be able to move forward instead of stagnating in mourning this child.

i'm sorry for your loss. i wish i could give you a big hug. i had one very early on and i tried not to think about it but that did no good. so i just let myself feel the sadness. now i don't feel so bad. maybe you can talk to someone about it.

I, too, had a miscarriage, back in 2010. Mine was also in late November. Intially, I just tried not to think about it, but I think that was unhealthy. Within a year, I was able to talk to my husband about it. I still think of the miscarriage occasionally, but not too much. I still can't watch some movies that show it though like "Up."

I don't really have an answer, but I wanted to thank you for posting. I had a miscarriage in December, and it was a similar situation -- unplanned, would have been my 3rd. We were excited, but I was extremely anxious the whole time I was pregnant (about 8 weeks). I would've been due late July/Early Aug. The reason I was so anxious, and the reason we may not have more kids is that my husband has bi-polar disorder and has been on disability for almost 2 years. I'm a full-time mom, about to start looking for work. So emotionally and financially, it would have been a huge challenge for us to have a 3rd, especially with our youngest not yet 2 1/2. At first I was relieved, because I had been so anxious. But lately I get sad when I'm around pregnant women (which is unfortunately often given our age). I'm okay with the first-time moms-to-be but those expecting #2 or #3 are hard to be around. Especially because they probably have their lives together enough to have chosen to have another. I haven't told anyone about this either -- we also usually wait 12 weeks. And I do occasionally talk to my husband about it, but I don't know how to bring it up to friends or family (even those who've experienced similar losses) without it coming across like I'm looking for pity (which I'm not). I really like all of the suggestions you've gotten about planting a tree or doing something to commemorate your loss. My baby brother (one of triplets) was stillborn, and around my youngest siblings birthday (thank God 2 survived!) my parents and siblings go to the cemetery where he is buried. I think having some sort of ritual commemoration is helpful for them every year. I think if you planted a tree, you could visit it every year around the date (due date or miscarriage date, whichever is more meaningful for you) and have a grief/loss ritual of your own. While I often shy away from these things I think they can be really helpful and I really appreciated reading your post and all of the responses. Thank you for speaking up, and I'll be thinking of you.

Had one years and years ago. We didn't have ultrasounds or find out before our period was late. We usually had our pregnancy confirmed at 10 weeks. I had not gone to doctor yet. Had an appointment but knew I was pregnant. Only missed my period five times in my life. When I started to m have the misc I knew something was wrong. Went to doc and it was all confirmed. Went on to have one more baby. Four total. So what I am saying is it was very different then. You never really had that great attachment because you never really knew if you were pregnant. By the time we found out we were pretty much past the stage is misc. Just take time out for yourself that day. I assume because e your kids did not know it was an early misc and not later misc.