hi ladies, just a quick question. my (6 in sept) son has never known my dad. there is a lot of old drama there (and plenty of new, too!) that i don't need to get into, suffice to say i have my reasons. just thinking after reading some "estrangement" questions on here, i know eventually he will ask about him. my niece knows him as her grandpa. but her cousin, my son, doesn't. we just tell him "that's (cousin)'s grandpa." if it comes up. (it only ever came up because they lived with him for awhile and we had to tell my son that we couldn't go to visit his cousin's house at that time. we told him it was because she lived with her other familiy, and we didn't know them, so we don't go to peoples' houses that we don't know. technically "I" know them, but he doesn't!)
any tips, useful phrases, for explaining something like this? i am just waiting for the day when he says, "mommy, why don't YOU have a daddy?" how can i explain to him in an age-appropriate way? i can't very well say, "well mommy's daddy is an alcoholic jerk and mommy doesn't want him hurting you like he hurt her so mommy doesn't allow him to come around."
you are always full of good tips and insights mamas...what do you think? i would love to have a short, sweet explanation ready when the time comes....thanks in advance!
You don't need to give details, but you could say something like.. "When I was growing up, my daddy did some really bad things. I just don't want you to have to be around that. I have other people in my life now that love us and care for us."
You don't have to give details, or anything.
Be honest. We, adults are the idiots, who have issues. My SIL is a nightmare. My brother isn't ALLOWED to come to our home. His sons thought the grandparents were MY kid's parents until this past April and they are 5 and 7. Really???? They had no idea I was their aunt. Oh well. It made me wonder what she's been doing with their Christmas and birthday presents and cards that read, "Love, Aunt Jen and Uncle Rob." LOL
My son asked why they can't ever go to their cousin's house and I replied, "Because Aunt Sarah doesn't like me." My son was 4 and looked strange and said, "Hasn't she heard of the Golden Rule? Treat people the way you want to be treated?" I chuckled and responded, "I don't know, honey."
It is what it is. He should know that it's his grandfather, even if he doesn't have a relationship with him. It's going to come back on you.
Be honest. They can handle honesty, as long as you don't add drama to the mix. You can be honest without giving ALL of the details. IF HE ACTUALLY ASKS, Maybe try something like, "Your grandpa sometimes drinks too much alcohol and then doesn't make good choices. I really want to be certain that you are safe and I can't be certain when he is around. I love you so much." THE END.
I've already done a little of this. My son has asked about my mother, her name, where she lives.
"Her name is X. She lives here in Portland."
He has asked if we will see her. I have told him that, no, we will not. Gently, emotionally-neutral voice. Why?
"Well, Kiddo, because she's not a nice person and she's not a safe person. So we don't visit her and that's okay. You have Gran and Grandpa, and Mae Mae and Papa who all love you very much." (They are my husband's folks and my bio-dad and his wife, respectively. He has good relationships with all of them.)
I imagine that when the questions become more specific, I will try to help him understand things on a child's level. "You know how some kids aren't kind with their words (or their bodies-- when he's much, much older)? Or how some kids hurt other kids on purpose? That's what my mother does. So we don't see her because she just doesn't know how to be nice."
I will not go into any specifics until he is much, much older. He told me once that he wanted to meet her. I told him that he could choose to do that when he was a grown-up, smiled at him, hugged and kissed him. I want him to know that his desire to know her isn't bad and isn't going to hurt me. When he's older and has a better capacity for understanding, I can tell him more, because I do want very much for him to guard his heart. She was more than a lot of people could handle, even many adults. So, when the time comes, I'll be honest with him, but for right now, we are focusing on the family (blood relatives and good supportive friends) that he does have.
To my six year old daughter I always explain in terms that she would use to describe a problem in her school yard. I had to explain why my grandma doesn't like or visit grandpa's sisters after 56 years of marriage. I used phrases like ' she felt like she was getting bullied' , 'she felt they were trying to be her boss' Her reply; "that sure is childish and they should all mature and act like grown ups"
You should consider that your son will probably be less interest in details than you may think. Good luck.
I have wondered what to tell my kids about my mom when they get old enough to ask. My parents are divorced, so they still have 2 sets of grandparents, my inlaws and my dad/stepmom, plus a friend from work whos grandkids all live out of state has unofficially adopted them as hers, lol. Im hoping they never notice that theres someone missing from the picture, maybe your son wont either. He might never ask. If mine ask, I am tempted to tell them she passed away, but that seems so wrong.
