My husband and I are separated (he moved out) four months ago and started seeing someone. My kids visit him for the weekend two weekends a month. We play it off as visiting "the beach house" and I encourage them to enjoy the time they have with their father since this is really the first time he's spent a lot of time with them.
I just found out they are staying at his girlfriend's place. My kids love arts and crafts and so she gives them paper and stuff to draw with so in that way I'm not concerned. I'm concerned about them sleeping there considering she's not a permanent person (yet) in their lives and I don't want the kids to get attached to someone who is might leave them in the future. I know she means well and wants to play with them to show her affection for my ex but I just wanted to hear people's thoughts on this. Please NO emotional arguments. I know it hurts me but my firm stand is to do what is right for the children's emotional health. Is there a scientific argument for why this is bad or do I just think it's bad because I'm in a situation I don't like? Should I ask my ex to stop and require they stay at his apartment? My kids have adjusted very well to the pending divorce (mostly because they really have gained a father again and I try to make life normal) and they are happy when they come home so is it a worry if they are happy?
*Side note: I have no reason to believe my ex and his girlfriend are behaving "inappropriately". The only sense I get is that perhaps he may be depending on her taking care of the kids to share the weight of five kids except in my experience the weight has always been heavier on me (not that I minded although thinking back I should've forced him to help more).
To clarify, this is only the third time the kids have gone to dad's and he claims he doesn't live with her. I was under the impression they stayed with him in his apartment until I found out they stayed at the girlfriend's house instead recently. Whether this was true from the first day or only the last time,I don't know. I actually came up with the idea that he wouldn't have to watch the kids every weekend because I knew he had a girlfriend. I figured he's want to spend some weekends with her. A happy dad is a good dad as far as I'm concerned. I wasn't going to make a big deal about it as long as they were decent but I just thought to find out if it's something I should be concerned about (I sometimes am a bit too liberal). I just wanted to check myself to make sure I wasn't being too open when red alarms should be flashing.
I don't agree with what he's doing but I'll stick to biting my tongue for now. I do like the suggestion to bring it up if the relationship ends. I'll definitely do that. We have no divorce plan yet, we want to settle it amicably and hope to do it online.. but that's a whole new can of worms.
I would never allow it. Just my opinion. Everyone goes home to own apts.
at night. Non negotiable. Just not appropriate and sets a bad example for
the kids.
I am a child of divorce and for a long time there always seemed to be a girlfriend with mu father.. Some for months, some we only saw one time. Sometimes they stayed over, sometimes we stayed at her place..
It got old. We did not really become attached, but we did wonder why he could not keep a girlfriend....
And then if he had one for a very long time, she was always around, and sometimes, we just wanted to be alone with him. Only seeing him for 2 days a week or every other weekend, was not much time, when we were used to him always being around.
Not sure of your relationship, but do remind him, the kids want to see and be with him. They are on their best behavior around strangers and really need his attention and be able to feel like he wants to also spend time with them.
It s stressful for them to feel like company, instead of just family.
If you are really concerned about if this is having an affect on your children, take them to a family counselor. Get a professional opinion.
You are amazing... good for you for brushing aside the fact that he's kind of sort of... okay, COMPLETELY... being a jerk face, for the sake of the kids happiness!
No, I wouldn't worry about it if they're happy. You're already doing the kids a great favor by not reacting negatively. They'll figure out when they're older how messed up and too soon this is (even if those 2 live happily ever after).
Keep your chin up! You're being the bigger person, the kids are happy... for now, it's win win. Just document EVERYTHING. The second this effects the children's well being, you'll be prepared to pull out the big guns in court!
I suggest it's too late to change the effect this has on your children. They already know her and are already in the routine of staying at her house. To insist that this stops would add another disruption to their lives.
If this relationship ends then would be the time to insist on some boundaries before he gets involved with another woman.
I wouldn't introduce a new girlfriend/boyfriend to my children this early in the game. At the same time, since this has already happened, I'd accept it gracefully.
I dated a man that was married with a child...he said he was divorced. The mother had no problem with me and the little girl became very attached to me. We did a lot of things together and she was always by my side when she was in town. When I learned he was still married, I ended things pretty abruptly. He added, what about Ashlee and I told him to explain it to her.
I felt horrible for the little one, but felt it was not my responsibility to comfort his child when he was living the lie. I felt there wasn't anything I could do to make her feel better and that it was best to leave her alone.
At least some of your children should be old enough to talk to. Explain to them that until their father makes things permanent with your divorce and their marital status, she is just a friend. It won't hurt the friendship, but it will leave you room to explain, should things go wrong with their relationship.
She may be the most wonderful woman in the world, but personally, I think it is WAY too soon to introduce the kids to another woman. I would feel the same way if you were introducing a man into their lives at this point.
My poor daughter went through hell with her dad. He had a different girlfriend every time she visited him. She was very young and it was very confusing for her. I didn't care about his love life, but it was like he couldn't just spend time with his daughter unless he had a woman around. They entertained her and cared for her and she would get to like them and next thing you knew....they were gone and there was a different one.
I just don't think kids should be exposed to the "dating" situation. Especially when they are so new with the whole divorce thing. Kids can be pretty adaptable, but they shouldn't be exposed too much to the ups and downs of adult relationships. I don't think it sends a good message that if a relationship doesn't work out, you just get someone else.
Your ex should be able to date whoever he wants, but he only has the kids two weekends a month. It should be about him and the kids. Just my opinion.
I would be worried about the kids getting too attached to this woman as well. I know first hand how much my daughter hated the revolving door of women. This relationship may turn into something long-term, but who can say?
I wonder what your ex would say about you having a man in your house with the kids or you taking your kids around another man this soon.
I bet he wouldn't like it.
Asking him that question might be a way to get through to him.
Best wishes.
Ok, he sounds immature. Under no circumstances would my kids stay at my ex husband's girlfriend's house. Not a jealousy thing, but a common sense thing. Boundaries need to be set with this new arrangement of you two not being together. He needs to man up and provide a place for his kids that they can call home. That just seems odd to me. So they break up. Then what? Stay at the next girlfriends house? Then the next? How unstable. Curious to see the other responses.
A revolving door of girlfriends is not healthy for your kids. (I don't have studies to show you, sorry about that.) With 5 kids, he may feel he needs her as a second person to handle them. What I HOPE he isn't doing is leaving them with her so that he doesn't have to do the work of watching them.
When you get custody set by the court, you can put stipulations in the custody agreement. One would be that if he dumps this girlfriend, he can't bring them around another one until you agree that he has a relationship with a subsequent one. You can also stipulate that he can't leave the kids with someone else - he has to stay with them if they are with him.
Make sure you get what you want designated by the court. Don't leave it just to promises.
Dawn
Unfortunately you cannot control them. Is it the healthiest experience the kids are going to go through? No. But it is what it is, and it probably wouldnt hurt for you and the kids to go to counseling to get through this.
If they are taken care of and treated well at their dads, it will probably be ok.
Updated
Unfortunately you cannot control them. Is it the healthiest experience the kids are going to go through? No. But it is what it is, and it probably wouldnt hurt for you and the kids to go to counseling to get through this.
If they are taken care of and treated well at their dads, it will probably be ok.
Does he live with her already? Personally, I think he's making a poor choice in even introducing the children to a girlfriend at all when you're still only separated. I have strong feelings about refraining from dating until you're divorced for reasons such as this exact situation.
This woman may be the best thing that ever happened to your husband since you decided to divorce, and she may be very good for him... but that doesn't mean it's appropriate for them to sleep over her house until the ink is dry on the divorce papers. I think you have every right to insist that the children stay at their father's place, if indeed he still has his own place and he's not living there, until the divorce is final AND if/when he becomes engaged/married.
Most importantly, more than anything else I've said because what I said so far is really just my opinion:
Get to know this woman. ANY woman that your childrens' father dates and they spend time with is a woman that you should get to know. If she's a good person, she'll be willing.
I'm not a fan of people playing house when someone else kids are involved.
I'm sure it's confusing for them, is setting a poor moral example, etc. but I don't know of hard evidence. Sorry you're going they this. And, way to be an adult! Too many adults use kids as pawns.
A bit after the fact no? At this stage of the game it's done. They've met her, he lives with her, you said the kids have adjusted very well to the pending divorce. She has become a part of their lives. To say something now would make you look foolish, or worse, jealous. Be grateful she's kind and accepting of your children regardless of your ex's dependency of her. I don't think you should do anything at this point. Now, should this relationship end, then and there set the boundaries and tell your ex you don't want the children to meet every Tina, Toni and Tart and that he should regard his children before they meet the women in his life from that point forward. You can make this known in an adult manner, without anger or accusations.
My opinion is that parents shouldn't introduce dates or girlfriends to the children unless they were sure it was thought they were going to be serious and permanent. Can he know this in four months?
I also don't think they should stay in the same home together when the children are present until they are married? The message is that it's okay to live together, and it's okay to have premarital sex. Um, I'm not okay with that.
I think it can be very hard on children having to deal with different people in this position.
Do you want your kids to think that sleeping with someone who is not your spouse is okay? Then go ahead. That is what they are learning, especially if you condone it.
Ask your husband if he wants your daughter(s) to think that sleeping with someone before marriage is okay. If he's okay with your daughters having sex with guys when they start dating, then there isn't a problem.
Isn't there a clause in the seperation and divorce decree about not having adults sleepover when the kids are there? I would also ask the lawyer to ask for parenting classes.
No one should be introduced until after the divorce is final and the kids have had time to heal. Then, if the person looks like marriage material, the friend could be introduced slowly.
