Etiquette? - Los Angeles,CA

What's more important...joining in a celebration for a friend and having a great time or proper "etiquette" being followed to let you know of the celebration in the first place? Is ones attendance contingent on whether or not the proper steps were taken to invite one in the first place? If this were my party I would be pretty upset that proper etiquette was more important than the event itself.

Sounds like the original planner stopped taking care of details and left the poor b day girl to deal with the planning. Sounds like she's doing the best she can and could use a friend to help not judge

I'm assuming this was not a surprise party? So, I don't see what the big deal is that the party girl called to see if you were coming. Maybe the party giver is a little flaky (and seeing as you never got the evite that sounds probable). So now party girl is worried about this half assed attempt for a party, and feels bad about her friends that were contacted, and worries that they all have no idea what's up. I'd feel bad for party girl. I can totally see myself in that position, and I'd call my friends too just to make sure everything was clear! Is she a good friend? Give her a break. As far as party giver, who knows what happened. Who cares? Go to the tea, celebrate your friend, and enjoy yourself!

The promised invite did not arrive - to me that means that whoever was organizing the party "dropped the ball". I can understand the party girl's concern regarding confirming the number of guests. Unfortunately, a lot of people DO forget to show up to parties they were meant to attend. Case in point - by following your "etiquette" I sent out written invitations to my 21st party 1 month before the time. I had 60 guests CONFIRMED (in writing) and I just trusted that and catered for 60. On the night in question only 15 that's right INCLUDING FAMILY ONLY FIFTEEN PEOPLE SHOWED UP!!! We had enough food to provide the homeless with meals for a week after the party! I seriously can't fault her for wanting to ensure nobody forgot her special day. Bad manners is saying you would attend and then just not pitching!

Yup, I so wish things were old school. It takes the awkwardness out of situations.

I will say, however, that I feel sorry for the birthday girl. I mean if your friend said she was going to throw you a party and then dropped the ball like that, what would you do? I would feel compelled to see if anyone was actually attending and if there was, in fact, a tea party still in the works. She was put in the awkward position of following up. I would be so pissed at my friend.

ETA - Geri brings up another excellent point. The RSVP'ing to a party. I know when I have thrown a party I have felt almost compelled to call, and call, and call, because no one does it anymore and then when they do, they change their minds or have a change in plans and then they don't call and tell you that part and so you just never know. I have never done the phone stalking party planner thing, but man have I wanted to. Just another way we have forgotten out etiquette.

I would have asked what happened to the evite. A bit odd for the party girl to call and not the one throwing the party.
I'm not sure on the timeline in inviting people to a party. I invited my sons friends to his birthday party, 30 kids, 3 rsvp'd that would total 7 kids, and only one showed up. I even sent out invites a month ahead of time. I won't do it again.

Clearly someone wasn't very organized in the party arrangements. I think some people just don't have a talent for party planning. I know I don't. I don't know if it's something you learn, or if it's just a talent that's within you automatically.

The e-vite never arrived so that was the first flaw in the "planner's" plan.
It sounds like if the party girl didn't contact people, the party might not happen.

I wouldn't hold it against your friend if things haven't gone according to traditional etiquette, especially if someone doing the planning didn't have the bases covered.

I don't know if it's poor manners or poor planning, but you have a choice to attend or not.
I would attend and not make a big issue of it unless it conflicts with your schedule.
You HAVE known about the party two weeks in advance.
The party girl may be trying to salvage a party planning gone bad situation.

I hope the party is fun regardless of the communication malfunctions.

Best wishes.

I think it is strange but not necessarily poor manners. It sounds like the party giver might be flaky, and the birthday girl may have been approached with questions by others on the invite list since it sounds like the the only true invite to the tea was an informal email. Birthday girl was probably just picking up the planners slack.

So the birthday girl is the one following up to get a headcount instead of the person throwing the party? Yeah, that is a little strange to me...

Evite will also send out the reminder automatically if you use it. I wonder if she's not getting RSVPs and/or her organizer let her down so now the birthday girl needs to do it herself.

It is in poor form but I've had experiences where some of the Evites don't get where they should go. Been on both the receiving and sending end of this. Maybe she was trying to help out her friend if they suddenly found no one had answered through Evite. There is a feature to see who has looked at it which helps. Then you know if it got missed but it does sound like maybe the friend dropped the ball..

That said, I agree with you but I guess we have to take things in the spirit sometimes and ignore the rest. That in itself is having good manners. Doesn't mean you're not a little peeved ;-)

Not any more. It also saves trees so is considered to be "green". It's going to be more this way as time goes by.

I don't know if it is poor manners,or maybe just very casual and disorganized.

I love beautiful invitations, but the mail gets lost so I usually also do an envite.

Otherwise just an evite to save trees. But I do worry when I have not heard from people and will call just to make sure they knew they were invited. A few have said they had not received the evite, so I was glad I had checked. This summer 3 of us had a joined 50t Bday party, almost 200 people were invited. We invited them because we really wanted them all there. We called to ones we had not heard from. Not to harass them, but to make sure they knew they really were invited. This is when we released some had not gotten the invite.

Maybe they can't figure out how to use Evite?

In any event -- people usually give themselves their own 40th birthday -- so while the original idea may have been for someone else to throw the tea -- clearly that gal has neither sent invites in time, nor followed up on RSVP's.

So the birthday girl has come out from behind the scenes to take charge.

Not all parties have formal invites. I'd just go with the flow -- the birthday girl clearly wants you there so enjoy

I think it is poor etiquette, but it sounds like the party girl doesn't feel very confident about the friend who is throwing the party. I'd just go and have fun (as was mentioned by another smart Mama) and let it go. Have fun, Mama!

I usually send a 'save the date' email 3-4 weeks before followed by a printed invitation or a e-vite 2 weeks prior to the party. I also do reminder emails or calls because people usually forget or don't RSVP so I need to find out who is coming. If it was for my personal party, I would expect that the person throwing the party would take care of those details but there are a lot of flaky people who don't know how to follow through too.

Sounds like the evite got misdirected... perhaps it went into the spam folder?! And perhaps the birthday girl was calling to follow-up because she didn't feel comfortable giving out your phone number to the party planner.

I would have just replied "Oh dear, I never got the invite... I'll have to check my calendar and get back to you." Then you can decide if you want to go or not, and call her back and let her know. You're not lying, since you were waiting for an evite you never received (even though you actually knew about the party). You could have easily followed up the original email with "I haven't seen an evite, is this still happening?"

You have to decide if it's poor manners for the birthday girl based on what you think her motives are. Did she invite you because she wants more presents? or did she invite you because she wants to share this special occassion with you?