Encouraging Kids Do Things They Don't Want to Do

If she doesn't want to do swim team, then let her find another sport to keep her active. I remember being 11. It was hard. Add to that putting on a swim suit in front of other catty girls. I remember once I refused to go to the pool because I had my period but I was too embarrassed to tell my mom why. So there may be a variety of reasons why she doesn't want to swim on the team. Or she just may not like it. I hated even swimming a lap at that age. I couldn't imagine being on the team. And you don't make it sound fun, with all that setting goals for improvement and body condition. It sounds like a chore, and no 11 year old will willingly do something that is a chore for them and not any fun.

I think 11 is about the time my daughter started to get moody. Start keeping track on a calendar and see if it is happening monthly. Her hormones may be starting to kick in.

In the meantime, let her know that sometimes we do things that are fun to begin with and then they get boring. Ask her what she likes and doesn't like about swimming. Maybe there is someone that is being annoying or rude. Just listen. Don't try to fix anything at first. Just listen. Let her know that sometimes we just need to vent and you are a good listener. Then tell her that she needs to finish this out and she can decide if she wants to choose another activity when it is over. But tell her that she is not allowed to act like a child. She is allowed to say that she doesn't want to go but will anyway, for example. Give her appropriate responses to her feelings.

She might not want to do the same thing that her brother does, especially if it looks like he doesn't have as hard of practices or has more fun at it than she does.

What are your daughter's interests? And/or natural talents?
She does not have to do what brother is doing.

For me, per my kids, they do what interests them and what they have a passion for.
Interests can also change.
Per age. Per stages.

When a kid likes what their interests are, there is less forcing it.

Maybe your daughter doesn't want to quit, because she can tell it is a family thing... that she do something. Or she doesn't want to seem like a "failure" in comparison to everyone in her family.
Or to be teased, by others on the team.
And maybe, she is afraid to say, what she really feels or thinks, or what is in her heart. Because... she is compared or feels she is.
And some kids burn out. Already. At a young age from a certain sport.
Her brother is a "natural athlete who loves swimming..." but she is not.
And that is okay.
She needs to know... that.
What is SHE a "natural" at?
Or what does she love to do?

Not everyone is an athlete.
Not everyone likes to play sports.
And not everyone has to.
But they can do it on a recreational basis, or via a formal team/organization or for fun.

My kids like to do tennis, bike, martial arts, art, and music So that is what they do.
But not both kids are the same.

Your daughter is already, at 11, "comparing" herself to her brother and others... and knows... she is not "as in good shape... and needs to condition her body."
That is a loaded feeling, for a girl, a Tween, who is 11 years old.
Body image concerns already.
Hmm.

When I was a kid, my parents, or more like my Mom, made me take piano. I HATED it. I did it though, because we were supposed to. But on my piano lesson days, I would actually runaway from home. After a year or so, she finally let me quit. All along I was told taking it was good for me, blah blah blah. So what. I didn't like it.
But I liked... to play the Oboe. And later, I was a track athlete. All on my own... volition and choice. And then, I really did excel at it. I was in the top of the team.
My sister on the other hand, was NOT an athlete type. So fine. But on her own, she did do fitness things or at a gym. Fine.
Everyone is different.

Also, at different age stages, the body of a girl, changes. They grow both horizontally then in height, then horizontally then in height etc.
Their body shape is not static. And after being in swimming for now, on this second year... she is still working on "conditioning" and is still not as in good shape?
Did her Pediatrician say, she is overweight? Or that her growth/height/BMI proportions is a concern?
If not, then I would explain to her that she does not have to fret over it.
A girl's body-image, as a Tween and Teen... for some girls, are really delicate.
Ideally, she can do something that she likes. And is unique to her.

All I can say is my daughter was a naturally gifted swimmer, made the county team her first year out (at age 6.)
I made her continue because of her talent and because I thought it was good for her. After all, what's so bad about an hour of exercise a day, especially for a kid, it's good, right? What followed was two more summers of fighting and tears EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Was it worth it? No. My daughter ALWAYS hated it, even though she was good at it.
Luckily she also played and actually enjoyed soccer (through middle school) and then volleyball (in high school.)
What a huge waste of time and money on my part, not to mention the rift it caused caused in our relationship.
Let your daughter choose her own sport or activity, it works out so much better in the end. Not all kids are athletes after all, some of them are performers or musicians or academics, and you don't need to be on a team to be active and healthy.

Hi! My son is 19 and has been on the team since he was 6 (he's now a coach) and my daughter has also been on the team since she was 6 and is now almost 17. Here's what I've observed over time.
Yup, moving up is tough. Instead of being the biggest fish she's the littlest. It stinks but it will get better as the season progresses.
She is younger and smaller than her brother. She is never going to catch up to him, she shouldn't even be trying. She can get him in other ways when she is older. My Sarah used to lament that Steve was better than her when she was little. We used to spend a lot of time discussing the unfairness of comparing herself to him (or anyone else). She has her own unique set of skills. She has grown to be an amazingly self assured girl who, while he can still beat her in the pool, can whoop him in a sailboat, skating (roller and ice) and, after him making fun of her dancing, exhausted him an a trial dance class.
Please don't make this about her weight or having to exercise, it's supposed to be fun, not a chore. They really have to be there because they want to be.
She has to decide what she wants to do. If she is going to be on the team she has to go to practice, whatever your coach's rules per week are. Being sick takes a toll on them in the pool, just because they're well enough to go to school doesn't mean they're up to swimming a mile at the end of the day. Let her have a couple of days to think about it.
Just encourage her to try her best. I've always told my kids I'm just happy that they made it from one end of the pool to the other without drowning.
Oh, swimming year round is way easier on them than just the summer season. If she swims all year she'll be blowing the competition out of the water next year.
A day without the Y is like a day without sunshine!!!
Tell I said to have a good swim at her next meet!

Are any of her friends on her swim team? My oldest was like her- didn't ever want to do anything because his friends weren't doing it. Now that he is in Middle school (high school next year) his friends have gotten him into so many things he would not otherwise have tried (the good thing about peer pressure :) ).

Are there any of her friends that might be willing to join the team with her to make it more fun?

11 yr old girls are pre-pubescent, often plump up a bit and have changes happening to their bodies. Is she developing more than some of the other girls? Is she perhaps uncomfortable with her body and showing it in a suit this year? This is a very self-concious age. Have a talk with her about whether she really does want to be on the team, and let it be her call. If she wants to be on the team, she MUST attend practices. That's part of the deal. If she doesn't want to be on the team, then take her off and let her find her own passion somewhere else.

Here's my thoughts on how to parent this. She is the child you are are adult, she needs to learn that parents sometimes make kids do stuff they don't like due to reasons the kids do not understand.....

If a child needed medicine but didn't want to take it would we just pat their hand and say "Okay sweetie, you don't need this medicine more than you need to make choices"...no, we would hold them down and put the medicine in their mouth and hold it shut until they swallowed. We would do what was right for the child and not argue about it. They would learn when mom or dad said they had no choice that meant to just do it.

Kids need boundaries, if they are given too many choices that should not be their choice to begin with they don't learn Independence they learn to be spoiled and that they don't have to do anything uncomfortable.

I have a girl who finds ballet boring boring boring. We went through the stage where she didn't want to go, kicking and screaming all the way to class. Once she got there and I scraped her clinging screaming body off mine she would walk over and start stretching with the rest of the class.

She loves Hip Hop and gymnastics/tumbling. There were times she begged to give it all up. She is very good at anything she does so of course she could do anything.

We made a commitment for dance, it is part of her tap/ballet combo class. Too bad she didn't like it for a while, it was part of her maturing experience. She runs to class now because she is in the class with her best friend.

The point is that we all go through phases of being bored, deciding to not like an activity for a while. It is normal. But I truly think that parents need to teach a child that parents need to make a rule sometimes and the kids just have to mind because...because they are mom and dad and know better than a kid does.

If she seriously hates swim team then next time it is time for sign ups consider her signing up again. If she needs the exercise then swimming is a good way to get full body work outs. At that time you and dad can discuss it and see how you feel then.

Until then just keep taking her and ignoring her bad behavior. She is getting a reward and things it will change your mind if she keep wearing you down. I would teach her that her bad behavior does not influence you to bend to her will in any way.

I am not understanding the part where you say she throws fits and doesn't want to go and then you say she doesn't want to quit?

OK this is the deal. I believe in choices. The world is full of wonderful choices and you should not have to be miserable about your leisure activities.
This may make your life more complicated but hey. All three of my kids were interested in different things. My oldest did ballet, my son played roller hockey and my youngest daughter played soccer.
We made the stipulation that everyone needed to do something that involved exercising their body but they could go toward something they loved.
Let her think about what form of exercise would make her happy and say now when you choose this I need you to commit to doing it with a happy face. Then when the season is over they can choose something different if they want. Some of mine did several different things, especially my youngest never found a sport she didn't like and did softball, volleyball & soccer but that is a whole nother issue.
Let her choose, do not turn exercise into a battle or you will lose. Parenting can be fun if you learn how to listen and be empathetic to your children but still have boundaries. Things should not be a battle.

If she doesn't want to quit, she has to go to practice.

If she doesn't want to go to practice, then she needs to quit.

Well, maybe she still doesn't feel up to snuff from the stomach bug. Sometimes it can really take it out of you. And swimming isn't for the faint of heart or body, when you are talking about competitive swimming, not just floating/lolling around in the cool water.

When you are absolutely certain that there is no chance she is still a smidge under the weather from the virus, then you can address things if she is still complaining. First, I would pay attention to her diet. If she isn't eating quality food, she won't be physically able to do quality "work". That's true for everyone. Even your son, who may be a natural talent in the water, will do worse on junk foods and better on good quality foods. So, take a peek at what she is eating and how she is sleeping.
Bodies need good nutrition and proper amounts of sleep. Those will go a long way towards helping her through the tough slog of "getting there" into shape. :)

sounds like you see your daughter is not healthy and you are doing what a good parent does and making sure your children are healthy. i suggest doing a personality test for her (if avalible for her age and noting to her that her personality will change it is not set in stone) then seeking the activities she would most enjoy. For me I love walking..at night...outside..in neighborhoods with lots of trees. I hate walking...indoors...in a gym...with others! I like nature so I enjoy lakes over pools. She might love a gymnastic class, or jazz class but not balett or the other way around. Hip hop or yoga. There are a ton of things she can enjoy. If she is not active I recomend beginners yoga as it is actually muscle building.

Eating healthy is key. Do you think she could be insulin resistant, diabetic, or have some other unhealthy form of eating? There are tons of healthy ideas on pintrest and my little ones are more apt to trying new healthy "yucky" foods if they help or make it themselves. It also teaches her life skills. Dont buy the junk food and have any in the house. If she is barely on the large end for her. This summer will be a great time to "health it up " in your family. Congrats momma for doing the right thing for your family. I know I wish our parents had made the effort to teach us about health and our bodys when we were younger. Mid twenties I had to go to a specialest to reteach me what is actually heathly for my body.

Maybe she needs a break? Maybe the fits aren't about the swimming, but about something else going on?

It might be worth it to get some insight from the coach. It may be that the swim coach has seen this before and can give you some helpful guidance. It might also be worth it to put the ball in her court; you'll happily keep her in swimming, but you would prefer not to have the big meltdowns that are coming with it. Maybe it would be worth it to call her bluff and just take your son to practice without her the next time she's making a huge fuss. (It's a sanity move--"I'm not buying into the drama")

By any chance are there other transitions coming up? Moving up to middle school? I know end-of-year can be hard for some kids... just a thought. Also, hormones can start to kick in for some kids at this age-- adolescence is so tough.

probably a no brainer, but have you talked to her about picking another sport? you mention volleyball, what about track, horseback riding, heck polo? it sounds like maybe swimming just isn't her thing...but she's 11, she should have some idea what she'd like to do. i agree with the need for her to do SOMETHING. but heck....i hate sports. and i walk on the treadmill and do kickboxing and love it. maybe something else is her "thing".

She says she doesn't want to quit but is trying to get out of practices by faking illness? What is it that's bothering her about being on the team? Is it that she's not improving? If that's the case, she needs to realize that improvement will only come from consistent hard work, not skipping practices.

Maybe she doesn't have the same talent that her brother has? That's okay, she needs to realize that she can still contribute to the team by showing up, working hard and just being a dedicated member.

I would encourage her not to quit, to keep at it even if only for the benefits of exercise and getting to be on a team! If there's another sport that interests her more, maybe look into that as well. Good luck! And have her watch this year's summer olympics!! That always motivates me to keep going!

She likes to swim, she likes to be on the team. But she's feeling a little self conscious it sounds like to me. 11 is THAT dreaded age where they really start comparing themselves to EVERYone else. I think I would keep encouraging her and make choices at home to eat nutritious "power" foods for "best performance" reasons without ever mentioning she is a little heavier than she should be.
Maybe see if she would like to do a picture diary and watch her body progress as she continues with her practices so she can really see how much muscle she's building in her arms and legs.
And by no means, don't compare her to her brother.
Hang in there, once you get to practice and she's actually chatting with her friends and in the pool, her attitude will probably change.