Over the past weekend my 2 month old daughter got very ill. I wont go into too many details (because I feel they aren't important to my question and will be very long and drawn out) Friday we went to the er to be admitted into the hospital then transferred. At the next hospital she only continued to go down hill and was transferred again to children's hospital in dc. At first they were going to take her by ambulance and then decided she needed to be air lifted. (yes she's is fine now and we are back home) I've been getting a lot of back lash over the situation because I never cried. People take that as I just didn't care but really it's not that I didn't want to cry it's I knew once I started I wouldn't stop and me crying would only make the situation worse. I won't lie I was scared to death! (as any mom would be) now I'm being told that I bottle too much up and it's unhealthy for me. I don't know how to explain to people that I had to be strong for my family. (I have other children that were scared of the situation) do you ladies feel that it isn't normal for me to "bottle it up" and put on the strong face for my family?
Thank you so much! They truly made me feel like something was wrong with me. Yes everyone around me was breaking down and I could have cried at any moment but I knew inside it would only make matters worse. The people that have said something about it was people I go to church with that told my best friend. It took a lot out of me and like someone else said I've had nightmares every night since we got home. To make the very long story short they thought she had bacterial meningitis but she had viral meningitis.
TOOOOOOOOTALy not their place to say ANYTHING! Holy cow!! You can cope with things however you want. Yes, I would be bawling like a baby, but that's me. NOT you.
**Oh and when my dad died suddenly and when he was in the hospital and we all had decided that we should pull the plug, my grandpa broke down and balwed in my shoulder, at that moment all I could do was just tear up. Every moment is different like a mom said.
Everyone handles stress differently. I cry but not everyone does. I have a friend who gets angry, one who laughs, one who does nothing at all. Everyone is different. I'll admit that I don't understand those reactions and have a hard time seeing those reactions but it doesn't make their reaction any less valid.
So wait. Let me get this straight. You just watched your two month old baby become and endure an illness that required hospitalization and transfer. This happened quickly, and you were pulling it together for her, yourself, and your children.
AND PEOPLE ARE CRITIQUING YOUR REACTION????!!!
Wha...??????
Feelings, are actually IN our body. They are little chemical messages that our brains send out. So your body said, KEEP IT TOGETHER. Just get through. You felt scared, and you mustered strength and you did what you needed to do to take care of yourself, your child, and your other children during a *terrifying/out of your control* situation.
So, you don't care????? Because you didn't fall to bits while you couldn't?????
That's ridiculous. I grieve in a way that works for me, in my own personal context. Sometimes it's messy, sometimes it's contained, sometimes it's unproductive...but it's just what it is. Comparing the way we grieve is really, really silly.
"Sorry folks. My process, my reaction, my business." "It doesn't have to look a certain way. It's life, and I was doing the best I could."
That's what I have to say. I'm pretty good at holding it together in stressful situations. Afterwards, I fall apart. I need rest. I need support. During, I don't want to process, I don't want to cry, I don't want to pathologize my emotions, or intellectually try to make a story of them...I just need to get through until I *can* deal and sit with the aftermath.
Sorry to hear this is the reaction you are getting, rather than, "Wow. That sounds hard. What can I do to help, and do you want to talk about it or would it be okay if I brought you a meal and left it on your stoop/washed some laundry/came over and took care of things so you can have a nap?"
My mom was always good in a crisis but fell apart afterward. I noticed that in myself when she died. I was 8 and a half months pregnant! I should've been emotional. Nope. All 3 of my brothers and stepdad were useless. I stepped up, took over, handled business. Planned the funeral, figured out how to pay for it, Didn't shed a tear. My family thought that meant I didn't love her or something. Not the case. I was a mess for a long time after., I had nightmares and went over every detail in my head and lost a lot of sleep over it. But during that time, my brothers needed me. I think women are stronger than people give us credit for. Either way, it's noones business how we handle stress or grief. If they are asking out of concern for you, than take the time to listen to thier concerns and reflect. Do YOU feel you bottled it up? If so, maybe talk to a counselor to help work through this stuff. Do you feel you were being a tower of strength for your family and you had a good outlet for your stress afterward? If so, you might still want to talk to someone! But no, I do not think anything is wrong with being strong when you have to and crying in private.
I'm sorry - the stress must have been incredible!! I know how I was when Nicky flat-lined on me in the NICU - that was an experience I don't want to deal with again....
The people who told you that you didn't care - they are worthless and not a true friend or family member...
EVERY PERSON deals with stress differently...like you - I would've kept a stiff upper lip until I was alone - then I would've let it all out....I probably would've come home and steam cleaned the walls! :)
The people that told you that you bottle up too much - that's THEIR opinion...and that's THEIR problem - NOT YOURS...you deal with stress the way YOU NEED TO for your family...don't worry about what anyone else says or thinks...
If my husband (I don't think it was) had said that - I would've b$$ch slapped him as he SHOULD know me better than that...urgh!!
i'm glad your daughter is well and home now...I hope she continues to grow and thrive!!!
BS!!!
Oh, some people!!!!
It's called "being good in a crisis".
Personally, I never cry in a crisis. AFTER the crisis has passed? Sure I'll melt down then. But not when I'm actually NEEDED. Not when I need my wits around me. Not when I need to not scare my child.
It may not be 'normal', but being good in a crisis is NOT a bad thing.
I wouldn't consider it bottling anything up. You have the feelings you are just not outwardly expressing them.
I don't know, I suppose I am assuming you are like me. The crying can wait, at the moment you need to be cool and level for everyone else.
Surely those that were giving you grief didn't know you well.
As long as you DO let it OUT ~ by yourself in the bathroom, in bed at night, in the car away from your other children, what you did was the right thing for you and your family! Screw everyone else. but it is Healthy to let it all out at some point mama!
I'm so glad to hear she's home and fine !!!!
tell them to go to he!!!!! my 3 sons were all born with bilateral cleft lip and palate, which means lots of surgeries for all of them. one of my twins even had to come home with a NG feeding tube because he couldnt finish his bottles. i had to be strong for them and my husband. I was crying on the inside though!!! my oldest had his palate repair when he turned 1, my mom was able to fly out to be here. when they took him down the hall to surgery i was about to burst into tears. i looked over and saw that my mom was crying. my tears went away and i felt like i should comfort her. just because they didnt see the "physical proof" of your sadness and concern doesnt mean it wasnt there. tell the people who complained to you to pi$$ off!!
I do that too. It's not so much bottling up for me, but I want my kiddos to feel secure and not wonder why mommy has come unglued. Both of my kiddos have each been in the ER once. Both for somewhat serious things. I remained calm and upbeat throughout our visits. Fine all night. Get kiddos tucked in bed...great. Then had a complete melt down. Cried in the shower, got it out and felt better. But in both cases, I kept a brave face.
We had our 4 year old grand daughter in the hospital 2 weeks ago. She had severe strep and some other virus on top of it. After 4 days of IV Rocefrin and other stuff she was still running a fever of 103-104. Her R tonsil was pushing the L tonsil out of its way, her uvula was completely hidden, and her throat was nearly swelled shut. Her tongue swelled up until she couldn't swallow or close her mouth. That is supposedly from being dehydrated though. I thought we were going to lose her one day when she was choking on mucus, the nurse fixed up the clear container on the wall that they can do a "Mr. Thirsty" through.
I didn't cry either. I did however cry my eyes out today watching season 1, disc 2 of Warehouse 13. When the guy had that scorpion looking thing attached to his back and he is trying to commit suicide by killing it with a super powerful generator. I bawled and bawled. I had to stop the DVD so I could hear it over my bawling. The kids came over and started patting me on the back...made me cry more.
It hits everyone at odd times and all comes out when it gets to the level that we can't contain it anymore. Just tell everyone who has made it their business to tell you what emotions you are supposed to be exhibiting to the public that your heart cried every moment but you didn't want to scare her.
Wow J.. I cannot believe anyone would say ANYTHING about how you handled such a scary situation!!!! WTH??? Of course you were scared. Sometimes when I'm scared I actually laugh. Wonder how people would react to that?? I'm glad your baby is doing better. I know you're probably hurt by people's comments (I know I would be) but try to brush it off and focus on how everything turned out :)
Whenever I worried about what other people said when I was young, my Daddy always told me "Pi$s on em, they don't buy our groceries!" I live my life that way, and I'm a happier person now.
Feelings and the expression of them are not things that people can control or should be embarassed about. Just try to remember that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. You felt what you felt and dealt in the way that you considered best for the situation. No one has the right to judge that as they are not you and have never been in that precise situation.
i believe that is for you to decide. if you feel fine about it then you are probably fine. but your fine may not be their fine. why are they so worried about it. if its because you are getting tempermental then maybe you are holding it in. i beleive there is a place and time we can safely let our feelings go...in the shower at home while you are gathering your strength to head back to the hospital is one. then when you arive you are ready to battle the next day. it's good to let it out and as parents we do need to find the right time. maybe a firm 'I'm good thank you for asking though' is in order from now on in a serious, appreciative tone!
I wonder if now that your daughter is back at home you will finally release the fear and other emotions. When my daughter was ill at 4 weeks old, I didnt' cry until she started getting better. And you're right; once I started I couldn't stop. If you find yourself alone in the car and theres a sad song playing, and you feel the need to cry, please cry! It is healthy to let it out, even if it's after the fact.I don't think it's at all unusual though to hold it in. Everyone deals with stress differently. Don't let others make you feel bad about it, but do make sure you are taking care of your own needs as well as those of your family.
Until you are in that position, you don't know how you are going to react. My oldest daughter has been sick since she was 6 wks old. We have almost lost her from hemmoraging from her tonsilectomy then when she had her knee surgery she aspirated and turned blue on the operating table. If it had been another few seconds, we would've lost her. People couldn't understand how my husband and I were like robots when it came to things during our lives with our children and I just simply tell them that I'm sorry but I haven't yet picked up a copy of how to handle the near death of your child but when I do i'll let then know how i liked their flippin book! You handle things the way you need to, you cry if you need to, laugh if you have to or just do whatever it is that you need to in order to get through those painful moments. No one knows what someone is going through and for someone to judge you or comment is pathetic. I have lost or maybe benefited by some people having nothing to do with me anymore by my way of handling things. Best of luck to you and your precious little girl. My 13 yr old is reading this over my shoulder & she says good luck too :)
My son had a seizure 3 weeks ago, and I ashamedly admit that I fell apart. I knew I needed to be strong for him, my self and my other child, but all I wanted to do, and all I did do for a good 2 weeks, was curl into a ball and try to ignore what happened.
I always thought I was a strong person, and I really surprised myself that I was so blubby and weak! But like your scenario, I was SO unbelievably scared and shocked by what had happened, so scared that it was going to happen again.
I think you are normal, everybody is different, and experiences emotions in different ways.
It is really wrong... for others to have judged you, just because you did not cry.
That is really, a low blow. And so.... inappropriate to say to you via telling others behind your back, and, considering what you went through as it happened.
And, I hope your Husband, is not one of those that judged you that way.
Me: I am one who contains myself, very well. I can modulate, my emotions. Except when I am PMS'ing.
And sure, as a Mom, you try to be strong, so your other kids, do not worry... about the situation, and then about you. Their Mommy.
Kids, worry too. When they see their Mommy break down.
I am very, cognizant of that... and I know how my kids are.
They really feel, for me.
So even more so, even if I am at my wits end about something, I put on a brave, face.
That is what you did.
People judging you for not crying, is just plain MEAN.
They were GOSSIPING about you.. and given the situation, that is really really.... hurtful.
It's amazing how the adrenaline kicks in when our little ones are sick. You have to be strong for your baby and once this all settles down, you'll feel it for sure!!
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