Edit - Not Inviting Daughter's Friend Over

You are right, you can't exclude her. When her mom asks for special favors how about saying, "sorry, that won't work today" and leave it at that. You don't need an explanation, just say no.

When just one friend is coming just steer her toward another friend, in a nice way--"let's give some other kids a chance to come play with you today You are so awesome we need to spread the joy!"

Does this said friend have a lot of siblings? If so, the friend's mom may be wrapped up with the siblings and not even aware of the situation.

Some people are very introverted and they really don't like to have others in their home, it causes them anxiety and even panic attacks. I can not say this is the case for this family, but there are sometimes reasons people don't have others kids over. They might have a dog that bites, and they are trying to protect both your daughter and the dog. There could be any number of reasons why they don't have people over. If this girl is a friend of my child's I personally would not care if they ever invited my daughter over as long as the girls had fun when they were together at my place.

As for the favors, there is an easy solutions, just say no. "Can you give X a ride?" "I am sorry, no. We would love to have her stay but you will have to provide transportation, if you can not we can see about doing it some other time".

As for the money issue, next time you are inviting her to something like that just say "Hey, we would love for X to join us ice skating, she will need $10 for entry and money for lunch"

I personally would never punish a child for her parents behavior. I mean, to even consider excluding her from a whole class party? That is just flat out cruel.

When I was a child, friends were not welcome in our house. My dad would be polite while they were there but he would be very angry after they left. If someone drove into the driveway he would usually say something like 'who in the h*&L is that" . My Mom put her foot down and said she would invite her parents and siblings and their families but most of the time no one else came to visit. My dad always said 'you don't need friends'.

Don't ask me why -- he was a bit crazy.

This child may be going through the same thing. Until you live in someone's house you have no idea about what goes on behind closed doors. Every one always thought my dad was the nicest guy but in truth he was a mean -- a very mean man.

For the party: extend the invitation and then just be firm with your "no's" when the mom asks. "You know, I'm swamped with stuff to do before and after the party... so if your child can't make it, I completely understand. I'm just not able..."

It doesn't matter if the family is healthy and wealthy-- this is about you making boundaries and learning to be comfortable giving either a firm "no" or a genuine "yes". Do not invite this girl to anything that costs money, or if you do, be prepared to treat. That is what we do. I'll never invite someone's kid to something with the expectation that the parents pay.

and in the future, if a playdate means doing a drop off or pick up, consider if you want to do it... if not, then say "well, it won't work for me to do that, so if you want to schedule this for another time..."

Know, too, that for many families, esp. one with multiple children, running kids back and forth to playdates CAN be a lot of work. I'm the mother of a singleton, and I understand that it's far more convenient for me to be a little flexible than it might be for the mom who has multiple children and is being pulled in different directions. A little awareness/understanding of the fact that multiples do add more complications will be helpful.

Invite her to the party, if the mom asks for last minute favors say I don't have time, sorry.

Stop doing the extra favors. When she asks, tell her you're not able to this time.

I used to invite any of sons friends inside. One day, I looked outside and saw my son sitting and waiting on the porch for his pal. I called him over and asked what was up. He said Hilton's mom would not it let him in. That was the end of Hilton entering my home. When he asked if he could come in, I said no because my son cannot come into your home.

I actually wanted that message to go home to his mom!

Say this word out loud. NO Say it again NO

Now that we have evidence that you "can" say NO it will do you a world of good to practice saying it when you're looking in the mirror. This way you'll get used to saying it to someone else.

She thinks since you don't have other kids or a husband there that your tie is free.

She may also just think of you as a really nice person who doesn't mind doing favors for your friend.

I'd go ahead and invite the girl to the party but if the mom starts asking for a favor tell her that you just don't have time. That you are busy getting stuff together for the party. If she insists just tell her "Oh, well, I guess we'll miss XXX today. I am really sorry you can't bring her. Gotta go, Bye".

If she accepts your answer of no then be happy you've set a simple boundary with her.

I would stop inviting her over for one-on-one playdates, but you can invite her to a party. If the mom asks for last-minute favors for the party, you can simply say you can't do it, you're so sorry. Your daughter will have other friends at her party so it won't be a big disappointment like if you had to cancel a playdate.

I understand that you want to give your daughter the best, but you're not a doormat! Just stop inviting the girl over! Or if you do, don't tell your daughter. That way when the mom asks for favors you can politely decline.

People only walk all over you because you let them.

Your daughter sounds like she has lots of friends. If she asks about why she hasn't seen the one friend, just simply say you'd like to have her over but it's been difficult to coordinate.

This mom sounds similar to my best friend's mom. They lived a block away and her mom's theory was that since my mom was already going to take me, it should be no problem to take my friend. This was over 30 years ago. We are still best friends. I am so grateful that my mom didn't hold it against my friend that her mom acted this way!

Now, something like picking her up when you are hosting a party, I think you could honestly say that you are going to be too busy getting things prepared to be able to pick her up. I think it would be wrong not to invite her with all the other kids since she has done nothing wrong. Also, perhaps you could call the mom on occasion and ask if she could watch your daughter while you run errands, etc. She may just be clueless or feel awkward inviting her over, but if you ask would be fine with it.

I would say to try and let the resentment go. You can't change these people and you don't want to penalize your daughter. However, I agree to turn her down if favors put you out. If she asks you to pick up her daughter on the way to a party say, "Sure. I would love you to bring my daughter home! All this running around is getting to me and I have resolved to ask for more help!"

Okay so I have two views on this. One view..she is taking advantage of someone who seems to be a nice person and thats not cool. My second view...you gotta learn to say no. If you did then the resentment wouldn't be there. Let the girl come but start turning down extra favors.

I think that you are doing great in having friends over for your daughter. You sound tired and stressed doing it. You might want to go more low key. let her have friends over without it being a big production. You can't buy a kid to make up for a father or siblings not being in the picture. Let her invite a friend to play. and then leave it on the other parent as to whether or not they can get their kid over.

as far as other parents taking turns. Are you doing this as an I can keep your kid today if you keep mine tomorrow? if you are then you need to voice those expectations to the parent and not take it out on the kid. The kid has no choice in whether or not her mom or dad pays or drives etc. unless it is spelled out ahead of time.

First if all, learn to day no when someone asks a favor and it's out of your way or too time consuming. No! It's a beautiful thing and you owe no explanations.

Second, are you expecting reciprocation? Why?

So you're judging this family based on what you think they are... Wealthy and healthy. Stop judging because you don't know what you don't know. They could be one of the many who live way beyond their means just trying to look the part of wealthy healthy.

Our daughter had 1 sweet friend who was here most every Friday thru Sunday unless it was her dads weekend. Her mom had her hands full with her daughter, special needs son and trying to manage on her own. I did do a lot of extra travel, movie tickets, six flags tickets etc because I knew that mom couldn't. I never ever expected her to invite my daughter over, entertain, etc.

We have an an only daughter and most of the time, I was the one paying for extra activities , etc. My motto is..... If we invite, we pay. If you can't afford to pay, don't invite.

Lastly don't micromanage your daughters social life. She needs to figure out how to get along with others, make her own friends, and be herself independently of you.

I do applaud you you trying to engage your daughter but she has responsibility in choosing friends and activities as well.

If you expect reciprocation you're likely to be disappointed. My goal wax to have an open home with open communication for daughter and her friends with no expectations.

The resenting the mom for not reciprocating is just punishing your daughter if you start excluding your daughters friend. It is not this girls fault that her mother is odd.

The learning to say no when the mother asks for favors, is your responsibility.

This is simple, you invite the DD because she is your DD's friend, then you say no to pick-ups and such.

Oh and maybe mom isn't a kid person, just because you like to do all of these things for your DD, doesn't mean other parents will or should.

They don't realize how much work it is because they don't have to. It's alawys nice for others to accurately anticipate and meet our needs without our input, but that ain't gonna happen. You need to ask for what you want. Create the situation that you want. If you want money for activities, tell her. If you do not wish to assist with the "additional favors", don't. Just say no when she asks. She doesn't know how you feel about these things if you don't use your words to tell her. Don't assume that she is feeling entitled or is just oblivious to your plight. She just understands that she must ask for what she wants and not leave it up to you to figure out. Don't hold that against her. Or her daughter. Or yours.

Wow. That other mother is extremely insensitive. I guess in each scenario I would be direct. I'm sorry, I am too busy to pick you daughter up. I hope she can still make it. I'm sorry, I have my hands full today so I cannot drive her home. You will have to come get her or arrange a ride. I was thinking of taking the girls ice skating. Can you send your daughter with the $7 needed and any money for a snack if she wants to buy one? Or tell your daughter, honey, we hosted last time. You and your friend need to coordinate a playdate at her house for the next time. Ask her next time you see her. Only invite this little girl over if she has hosted your daughter the time before. That is what I would do anyway. Or if you are talking to the mom say, oh, I hosted your daughter at our house last time. If you mean you are taking the girls to your house this time that would work out fine. Stop worrying about sounding rude and just be direct with that mom. I guess some people need that.

i would resent this person too.

i have a friend, nowhere near as bad as your example, but i did say something just to her regarding my son's b-day party. i let her know since it is a pool party any child under age 5 will need an adult in the pool even though i hired lifeguards. She ended up not coming to the party.

I think it is your right to invite with a stipulation. "Hey Jen, Abby is invited, but I will be very busy getting this party organized so i need you to drop off/pick up on time." Most have common sense to know this, but your story makes her sound like she may need to hear this. Hearing this might clue this lady in on how to behave.

You can still invite the girl to the party, and if the mom asks for a ride or whatever, just say, NO, sorry I won't have time to do that, maybe you can see if someone else can pick your daughter up (?)

It's up to your dd, if she really likes this girl, then keep having her. You should put your foot down though....if she asks to come early, say no, you won't be home. I always figure that if we invite, I plan to pay...so you probably can't get too mad about that. I have an only child too and I do most of the inviting...especially with some kids who have a lot of siblings. If there's a party, go ahead and invite the girl, but say no to any special favors....she might be able to get a ride with another kid.

You just have to be open and honest. To the other Moms that do that.
Say you don't have the budget to pay for all the happenstance activities.
Say with a pleasant face and tone of voice being an only parent is busy... you don't have extra hands.
I would.

I have 2 kids. I have LOTS of play dates for them at our house and sleep overs. And if my kiddo tells me that they want to invite their friends over, I say, right there, that either it is 1 friend or none.... Mommy is tired this weekend and have lots to do etc. and they have homework etc. I say it. To my kids. I don't pad it. I don't feel guilty of it.
And, if I simply cannot take them out and pay for it/their friends, I SAY so. TO MY KIDS, and their friends. And I tell the Moms too. I say it in a normal everyday voice. It is just life, after all. And kids, well my kids and their friends, understand. And the Moms understand too, when I tell them. I say, everyone has a budget, after all.

I ALWAYS, tell my kids... how many kids or NOT, they can invite.
Always.
They know it. And they don't argue about it. I always TELL my kids, my thought process about it, so that they understand life and that, there are other things to think of too.
And if I am just tired, and don't want any kids here, I say so too. I say to my kids "Not this weekend. I'm tired and want the house to myself."
And if a Mom asks favors of me... and if I cannot or simply don't want to... I SAY so. Right, then.
And I don't feel bad about it.
I just say I have time constraints, or am busy, or simply can't.

If you don't speak up, then you will continue to be, resentful about it.
Or just tell them you are a single parent and have lots to do and juggle.
Since they don't even consider that.
Or they are taking advantage of the fact that you only have 1 kid. Therefore, they think they can have you do more and have more kids at your home... because, you only have 1 kid, compared to them and have less to do...just because you have 1, kid.
And that is not, right. Nor polite.

Just speak up.
And TELL YOUR DAUGHTER, yes or no, to play dates.
She is old enough to understand.

Per reciprocation of play dates. Well, not all parents do. Again, I have lots of kids at my house all the time. And most of the time I don't mind. But, at no time, do I "expect" the other parents to reciprocate. I don't have play dates for my kids, JUST so that, others invite them to their house. Some people just can't handle play dates at their house, or their house is small or messy or whatever. Or they have a fussy Husband who doesn't want kids at the house etc.

Also, you can make play dates a pot-luck. In my locale, the other Moms of the invited kids, always send something over with their kid. Be it snacks or food or drinks.
And if I don't have a feast to feed them all, I say so, too.
But the kids still have fun.

Well although I am married my husband works very long hrs. I am 90% of time the parent driving, picking up and hosting playdates.

I am friends with all of my kids friends parents...some better friends than others. I dont mind having my kids and their friends over..but I agree it does sound like your being taken advantage of. I was letting this happen with two ladies. Now I am still friends with both of them. I still have their kids over..however I have slowed down when they ask me to do a favor. I am usually ready to help someone out. When I needed her to do something very small in comparsion to the favor I did for her she said no.
My other friend is constantly asking me to do favors. I only receive a phone call from her when she needs a favor. Never to say hi.
The last couple of times I was polite but I told her flat out no. She ask me favors left and right.
I would invite that girl to the party..be the bigger person. However I would stop inviting her to your house. If it comes up in conversation ( not you bringing it up) I would say well Sarah has been over our house the last number of times. Be polite. Some people really dont have the social graces so its possible they dont get it.