Drama King

I don't think this is head games or sibling rivalry. This is a three-year-old stage. I have two very verbal daughters and when they express themselves well, I tend to forget that they are still developing through normal stages. Three-year-olds need to learn to make decisions. When you say, "Do you want to go to the store or stay home?" his answer is really, "yes. I want to go to the store and I want to stay home." Tell him before you give him a choice that he GETS to make a decision. Then give him the choices and tell him you are going to take his first answer. When he cries and says he changed his mind tell him that next time he can make a different choice. Stay calm and remember that he is learning a new skill. The more consistant you are with how you handle his choices, the quicker he will learn.

He does this because he wants to find out what will happen. My youngest turned 3 in June, so she is in this phase as well. This is the age where they will push you and push you, saying "no" to everything, then whining because you didn't give them whatever they just said no to. It's a classic power struggle and they're testing their limits.

My older daughter did this as well, and what I learned going through it with her is, whatever she asked for the first time, that's what we did, and I ignored any further complaints. For instance, if she said she wanted to go to the store with me, then off we'd go. If she started whining in the car saying she didn't want to go, I'd keep right on going to the store, and tell her, "You told me you wanted to go, so we're going. Next time if you don't want to go, don't tell me that you want to go!" And then refuse to discuss it any further. Whatever you do, don't get drawn into arguments with preschoolers. They don't argue using logic, so you won't win and they won't get anything out of it except the knowledge that they can drive mommy insane. Trust me when I tell you, this is something you don't want them to know until they're much older... =)

I hope that helps - good luck!

Oh, boy does that sound familiar! I have a boy who is now 5 who has always been very intense. I have been working with a counselor for over a year now and her advise is helpful, I'll share with you some things she has told me. I also love the book "Raising Your Spirited Child", it's a great resource for solutions to these kinds of situations.

First, he feels what he feels, some kids have very strong emotions - we call it drama but to them it's just what they really are experiencing. Trying to stop them expressing the feeling only makes them push back harder as they feel opposed and misunderstood so they try to make it even clearer for us, lol.

So for a lot of kids, especially these smart, very verbal, emotional kids, validating their feelings and giving them words to describe them, can be helpful. It's mainly about guiding them into a better way of expressing those strong feelings. You can even say, "I see you are having some really strong feelings about_____. It's frustrating when________." Sometimes feeling listened to and understood helps defuse some of the intensity of the emotions. And it avoids us inadvertantly teaching kids to 'stuff' their emotions. So reflective & empathic listening is a big tool to use with our highly emotive guys.

Emotion is big with them, naming it and accepting it lets him get his needs met without him needing to take that emotion and make it GREAT BIG to be noticed. I think that's what they are really saying to us - MOM! My emotional bank is really really big right now, and my account balance is low. NOTICE THIS please!! The problem being, they are not yet old enough to recognize and identify their own emotions and needs and ask for what they need in ways we would like. Role modeling this recognition and asking is super important with our spirited little ones. It's something they need to learn.

Also, our counselor says that the best response for a kid in a highly emotional state is not to express your desire in an emotional way yourself. Do your best to deliver your message in a flat unemotional voice. Because they pretty much always feed off our mood and take it up a level, next thing you know they've frustrated us, our level goes up, so they ramp it up another notch and soon there's a full on argument/tantrum etc. going on.

One thing that helps with my boy is instead of telling him I don't like something (that makes it worse)I flatly state in a boring voice what the rule is. "The rule is, no swan diving off the couch" (he watched a lot of diving in the Olympics, lol). That keeps me from lecturing, which also seems to ramp him up into a higher worse state. So instead of "Stop hitting! How could you be so mean! That is not nice!" or threatening, or whatever, you just say: "the rule is no hitting."

We also went thru a long phase where he did what I called "I want it/I don't want it" exactly as you describe - asking for something and then rejecting it, then throwing a tantrum because I put it away... wanting one food for lunch, changing his mind, then getting upset that he didn't get it... Very frustrating. I started prepping him ahead of time trying to avert the confusion, telling him we were going to choose one thing and not change our mind, that sometimes it's hard because you want two things even though you can't have two things at once. It sometimes helped, sometimes not, but he has outgrown it for the most part.

I don't really think of these as head games, it would be if an adult did it, but I truly believe that it's simply the kids' confused attempt to get a need met, a need they cannot identify and have no clue how to ask about. If we look behind the behavior to the need, I think it's often possible to find ways to meet the need before things get escalated.

One thing that has helped me is to find time to spend with my five year old, just the two of us. Since his sister came along, he's felt really left out but didn't know how to express that and started just getting mad. So now I take him for "juice dates" at the cafe, and I make sure I'm the one to tuck him in and spend a few minutes at night snuggling and whispering.

hth :) I know it's frustrating.

i dont know if my experience is really so much like yours, but my son has been a drama king lately, especially when his dad is gone for several days at a time and i have been at my wits end. something that i realized is that the more i can involve him in decision making for little things, the easier it is to get him to go smoothly through the rest of our day. i will come up with lots of little decisions for him, from things about his meals that just pertain to him to things like which way we will drive into town (beach or freeway) and i think it helps him feel in control, as many of our struggles seemed related to control. also, if you do feel like there is some sibling rivalry, you can allow him to make some decisions regarding his brother or emphasize that these are decisions he gets to make because he is older or whatever. also, like the car situation you describe, it seems best for everyone if you dont let him run the show with his wishy-washy-ness. this seems like a control thing and really the lesson for him to learn is that he has to commit to what he says. if he wants this, then that means he wants this. not just for 3 minutes until it doesnt create enough of a reaction. this is valuable for his whole life. mean what you say and follow through with it. thats a lesson many adults dont have down.

S., I am going through the same thing with my 4 year old. he started at about 3 years old. I think it's a controlling thing trying to get attention and see there boundaries. My son now is going back to talkign like a baby and winning like a baby when he doesn't get his way, or eve telling me ad his father that we are mean when he doesn't get his way. He is the only child at this time, but I think there are alot of simularities with your situation to. I think ( not facts) that it might be a fase, same with us too.

In your case, since there is a new arrival of the family, there might be a bit of jealousy there going on with the baby, or he jsut feels neglected because he has to share mommy and daddy with new baby. I would suggest trying spending more one on one time with him as well, if not already. But I am thinking this will happen for us too when we have another baby. LOL! Things will get better, they always do, he's just acting normal to the situation.

I wish you guys luck, keep me posted on what happends.

Best,
C. Z

A lot of it has to do with setting boundaries for the kids and doing some planned ignoring if they keep repeating or changing their minds (i.e. Catherine C. below is right). Plus, spirited children need advance notice as to what's going to happen next. At the same time, there could be an underlying problem that needs to be checked out. If he's rubbing his head or any part of his body hard, it sounds like he has a form of SID (Sensory Integration Disorder) where he requires more pressure touches than the average child (i.e. underactivity to touch). My daughter is one of the top students in her 2nd grade class, yet she has this disorder. An occupational therapist would recommend that you brush him every 4 hours with a soft bristled brush for a period of time. I would suggest that you call your county services for someone to evaluate his level of SID (varying levels from minor issues to major issues) before your son gets any older and doesn't qualify for the free services. The county services would send a specialist to your house to evaluate him for free. From there, all county referred services are free if your son qualifies. Here's a website with information on SID...

http://www.healthatoz.com/healthatoz/Atoz/common/standard...

I remember feeling this way as a kid. I sometimes woke up feeling frustrated and would stomp my way through the house ready to emotionally lash out. Who knows why I felt that way. I whole-heartedly agree with the comments below about remaining unemotional in your responses to your child. One particular morning sticks in my memory, I was probably 5 or 6: I stomped out to the breakfast table and sat down looking mad and waiting for someone to notice me. When my Dad said good morning I grumped at him. He asked me if i wanted Cereal? "No!" Pancakes? "No!" Toast? "No!" Eggs? "No!" Cereal? "Yes!"

It was then that I realized that I didn't even know what I wanted, I was just mad. As my Dad systematically worked through the list I decided that I wanted cereal, but I was too mad to admit I wanted something I had said no to. Luckily for me he was patient enough to start the list over.

Good luck and may you have lots of patience!

This sounds just like my family, my oldest boy is 2 1/2 and my youngest boy is almost 1. Every morning its no to everything and the only way to change it is to tell him that his younger brother wants to do it, then he wants to do it too. I figure that this stage should pass soon (hopefully) good luck and have time out as your friend. S.

As sad as it is this is normal 3 year old behavior. They know enough to say what they want but what they want changes every couple of mintues. It can be exsuating and drive you nuts. He is not trying to drive you crazy he just really can not make up his mind! Also the transitions seems to be the hardest part for him. Leaving the house, getting in and out of the shower. You might want to try to give him a 10 mintue warning before something is about to change. Make sure he knows that he does not have a choose about the change. Like is going to take shower or is going to go where ever. It might help. Give it try.
A.