My husband is very smart, a chemical engineer and a whiz with numbers, but I am not sure what is going on lately with him. I have always thought he lacked common sense somewhat, but lately too many things have been happening. I am worried and wonder if it something more. We have a two year old and a three month old, and he is not sleep deprived because I am breast-feeding and getting up with the baby at night. He does stupid things and thinks they are no big deal, but I feel like they all add up. I have been making a list for him to go to the grocery store, very specific with brand names of items, and he comes back with the items, but whatever brand he felt like buying, disregarding the list and telling me that I am too picky and to get over it. Once he lost the list while he was in the store, called me from the store and asked me if I remembered what was on it. This past week alone has been tough. I asked him to fix our computer while I was feeding our daughter, there were problems with it all day and he said okay. I went downstairs after wards and saw he was on his computer and asked if he had fixed ours and he said no he forgot and was working on our taxes. In the mean time, our computer crashed and we lost everything, including all our pictures. I know this is not his fault but wonder why he said he would look at the computer and go and do something else. He also had a dinner for work this week and I had an appointment with my therapist that evening. (my mom passed away three months ago, so I have been talking with someone) and I asked him if he would be home in time to put our son to bed, and he said he would be home a half-hour before hand. That never happened and he never called to say he was going to be late, and I was extremely frustrated with that. Yesterday he went downstairs and ate breakfast for a half an hour while watching sports center while he told me he was going to go downstairs and get something for my son and bring it back up to us, which he forgot to do and got side railed with feeding himself. Last night he put my son into a tub of water that was 130 degrees, which thank goodness he did not have to go to the ER but there is no excuse. We have a thermometer on the water as it is going into the tub, a digital one, as well as the one in the tub and my son was screaming “ow, ow, ow” and when I walked in the bathroom he was trying to get out of the tub and my husband was folding my sons clothes from the day. I pulled him out of the tub and I said what were you thinking? He said he wasn’t. I have asked him what is on his mind that he is so distracted and he always says nothing. (My husband normally gives our son a bath, so this was not something new) There are so many more things I could share but I think you get the big picture. I don’t know what to do. I don’t trust him, and I am actually starting to wonder if there is something more seriously wrong with him. If you have any ideas to share I would greatly appreciate them, I just don’t know what to do…..
I think it's normal! Mine is like that and so are several of my friends' husbands. I know there are some that are not like that but it can't be more than 10% :-)
Hang in there! It's tough when you have a little one and a toddler. I have finally just accepted some of the things my husband does or doesn't do.
I think it is time to call a doctor, this is totally bizarre. I think this goes beyond the normal forgetfulness of a engineer. Sorry, not an attack, but people that are highly intelligent in fields like this tend to be absentminded and get sidetracked. The grocery store stuff sounds like a few I have known and totally normal. But the other stuff does not. This would be driving me crazy! I am so sorry for you. But I agree, please don't leave the kids with him and get him in to see a doctor. You should really go with him too, in case he doesn't explain what it going on. He might not even realize the extent of what is happening, and I can see a guy just kinda playing it off. If he even got to the appointment. Good luck to you.
If this is a new behavior then you need to speak to his doctor right away. It isn't normal for a father to nearly scald his child. Ane there is no way you should leave him alone with the kids. A 2yr. old and an infant are not able to fend for themselves if he forgot he was watching them....
I'm sorry you go through this and can rely.
My husband is also highly intelligent and at the same time missing common sense.
We went through exactly the same shopping behavior (buying what brands he felt like or loosing the list).
Once, we had guests over for dinner and he went upstairs to pickup something he just bought and wanted to show. We were all chatting and at first didn't noticed he didn't come back. After a while (like 30 minutes), I went to check on him. He was on pyjamas, programming on his computer: he had had an idea for a program he was working on, began to test it and forgot we had guests! I was mortified!
We sat down and talk about his distraction to find solutions.
With time and experience, we both now know that when he has a stress about some problem he needs to solve (whether a computer program or a personal issue), this problem takes over his normal thinking. He can wake up at 2 am because he found a solution/idea to try. He can forget guests in the middle of a dinner in our own place, chatting loud enough to be heard from his desk. His entire focus and attention is towards the problem/solution and the rest of the world vanishes.
He has been like that for ever. In general, I know I can trust him. And, he always sets up reminders for appointments with alarms (being home on time so I can go out goes in his appointment list) in his computer and phone. However, when he works on a hard project, is very busy or especially stressed because he's looking for a solution/idea, he specifically asks me not to leave him alone with the kids. He tells me that at that moment, he may not be able to focus on them as they deserve and I take a baby sitter.
The very distracted/stressful days are the exception, not the rule, and he is great with the kids. But, when he has a problem, I know I will have a silent distracted husband at home (this has lasted for up to one week in a row), so distracted (or better-said,so focus on his task) that he forgets to eat or sleep. In these exceptional moments, I just take care of him, forcing him to come eat and rest. By chance, most of the time, he is just a wonderful husband and dad, focusing his energy on the family.
In my husband case, he was always like that. In your case, it seems "new" and the incident with the baby is a red red flag. His behavior is putting the children at risk. I would list his odd behaviors and show the list to him as the starting point for talking with him (to avoid denial).
Then, talk with him. If you can't discover any "reason" (stress, fatigue, personal issue), then agree that he should see a doctor to rule out medical reasons.
When his problem is personal, my husband usually doesn't talk about it. Either because it's about me or because he doesn't want to worry me. But, he would tell me that something bugs him and that he can't think straight until it's solves.
Best of luck.
While you say he should not be tired, he still may be. The addition of a second child can be a real stressor. Some of what you describe really just sounds like forgetfulness. Is this new? He also may be feeling a little over controlled. You may also be feeling somewhat more stressed. While children are the BESTEST, all the research suggests that they do add a lot of stress to marriages. I might try to easy up a little. I would fix the hot water so that can't happen again. And then think about the items that really matter. do the brands for the foods really matter? A part from the computer crashing, would it have mattered if he had done it a little later and on his own schedule? And maybe organize to have a babysitter and go on some date nights. If in a while you are still feeling frustrated, you might have a good discussion with him about it all - trying to have a discussion rather than an argument and finally seek counseling. But it sounds like this may be a stressful time for both of you as your family grows and there is likely so much going on. Good luck.
I'm wondering if it could be passive-aggressive behavior. That tends to be a typical male response to a woman's controlling behavior. (I'm controlling, so I know.) Are you controlling, by chance? Always demanding that things be done a certain way? Obviously he can't be putting your son in hot water, but that kind of thing doesn't sound too unusual for a male to do.
I think you should back off on your demands on your husband, and accept that you will ALWAYS do more than he does. If there is anything that absolutely HAS to be done properly (saving photos and bathing your son, for example) do it yourself. Leave things to him that don't matter as much. If he forgets things at the grocery store, that's not really a big deal. Stop giving him lists, and stuff. Let him decide more things for himself, and I bet you will find out he's completely capable.
My husband passive-aggressively fought me in a similar way for years, so I know how it works. Back off him. You won't be able to change him.
P.S. Just reading the other posts, and I've gotta say this: LADIES, LADIES! Listen to us all, don't you get it?! We are all completely controlling. The men are all tired of being harped on. YES, the sexes are different. YES, we are better at most things. YES, if it weren't for us, the kids probably wouldn't make it to adulthood. That's why the word for "nurturing" is "MATERNAL", not "PATERNAL." Make life easier for yourselves, ladies, just do it yourselves and stop harping on the limited ability of the males. Just be happy you are superior. And we ARE superior.
Sounds like he is becoming very forgetful/out of it? Is he under crazy stress at work lately? What else has changed? These things are odd. I just wanted to validate your opinion on the "odd" behavior, although I don't know him so I do not have past behavior to compare this to. Does he have ADD? Just a thought...
You have already gotten alot of responses, but I just wanted to put in my 2 cents - mostly because I thought perhaps you had married my ex :) He, too, is an engineer, and absent minded doesn't even begin to describe him! He has also done things that have been terribly dangerous. To him, it seems like there is no "level" to the things he does - he treats them all equally - as if they are no big deal. He has left gas burners on, forgotten to buckle in car seats, left doors open, as well as the standard forgetting the groceries, doesn't remember to come home/call when agreed upon, etc. To be honest, it is one of the reasons (but not the only one) that I ended our marriage - I simply couldn't trust him. However, in the long run, that was kinda dumb because now he takes the boys to his house and I can't catch him when he does stupid stuff :) He comes from a family of engineers and they are ALL like this! It's a wonder any of them survived this long . . .
The only thing I could ever figure out is that people who do that type of job have a mind that works a certain way - while they function very well at their jobs (I'll bet your hubby is a whiz at his job), they fail on the day to day stuff. Multi tasking is simply outside of their skill set and they are easily distracted and their brain is rerouted instantly to the new distraction (i.e., folding clothes and not listening to ow ow ow).
I did make my ex get checked a few years into the marriage - I was SURE there had to be something wrong. How could one person do so many STUPID things every day and not have some kind of medical issue. Alas, nothing was wrong . . . I am certainly not suggesting that you end your marriage over this, but it may come to a point where you simply have to decide that you aren't going to let this bother you and come to terms with it. My guess is that, like my ex, it is never on purpose and completely innocent - however, as a mom, I simply couldn't get past the "Oh my God, do you realize you almost burned down the house AGAIN!"
Good luck :)
Are you sure you're not at my house?! My boyfriend will open a drawer or cabinet, take what he needs... and leave it open! WHYYY?!?! He wonders why I've become SO OCD about little stuff around the house... because if I don't do it properly myself, it will be done wrong if it's done at all! My kids can put their dirty clothes in the hamper... I think the closest my boyfriend has gotten is getting the clothes NEXT to the hamper. I've given up on asking him to run errands for me (we have a 2 month old, so we're kind of in the same boat here)... while yes, an extra set of hands to help is nice, IT'S NOT HELPING IF YOU'RE MAKING MORE WORK FOR ME! This is just the way guys are, I'm convinced. You can try your hardest to train them and teach them, but ultimately, they just don't have the 'stuff' it takes to deal with the mundane womanly tasks we deal with on a daily basis. They're just built different. Instead of getting upset and frustrated, try to find something he CAN do, something 'manly'... if you give him something to help with that he's actually a little interested in, he may be more prone to do it correctly... and no, I can't think of one helpful thing that guys WANT to do ;) GOOD LUCK!
go turn down your water heater so theres no chance your son will get burned. i have to do this for my mother who has dementia or she will scald herself. are there any other things you should check and or remove so your child is safe? sometimes we have to hurt others feelings by saying "since you seem unable to do this, i have removed the danger from the situation by removing or replacing with a safer item, etc". good luck with your husband.
Without reading any other response I'm tending to lean towards having him checked out physically--Please don't be frightened of what I'm going to say, but it could be something physiologically wrong with him-have him see an internist about his forgetfulness. My husbands grandmother started losing focus and her memory has been fading slowly. Last week she was found to have a brain tumor. PLEASE PLEASE--don't let me scare you, that is NOT my intention, I'm just merely throwing out suggestions.
Good luck
I was going to say he sounds passive-aggressive until he almost scalded your son! That in inexcusable!
I say your husband needs a thorough check up and he might need to speak with a mental health professional since he is unwilling or unable to speak to you about what's going on with him - and yes, there is something going on.
Good luck.
Well, you've gotten lots of responses and the only think I can think of to add, is maybe it would help you guys to get a babysitter (or like we do, switch off with another couple who has kids - you watch their kids one week and they watch yours the next) so you can go out and have a date night. Yes, maybe he has some condition or problem or stress or something that is causing this, and that should be looked into or dealt with, but you guys need to spend some relaxed time together and real, intimate conversation. Perhaps through doing that, going on a date, talking on an intimate level, you will discover what is really going on with him now and learn to love him and begin to trust him again. Maybe you will then see the good things he does do, and try to really focus on the positive and being really positive and encouraging to him, "championing" him if you will. It's really hard if you only get negative input from your spouse (my hubby and I are dealing with this issue too - he's got a problem with negativity and I'm starting to get pretty critical too. It really affects him.). Men need to feel loved and respected, and if you can try to say something positive and encouraging to him more frequently it might really help him become that. It is hard to continue to trust him when bad things have happened before (my husband has done stupid things too like this, like when he put our son in a frame backpack carrier on top of a 4 foot countertop, and went to grab something, and our son managed to get the backpack off the countertop and he took a 4 foot dive headfirst onto the floor, and its a miracle he didn't have to go to the ER. I thought it was common sense to not do that, then I was just thankful nothing worse happened and he was ok, and mention that its never safe to do that, and remember that i've done stupid things before too...). It is important though to really put hard work into strengthening your marriage because if you've lost trust and respect for him, its just a downward spiral from there, and so do anything you can to invest into your relationship and give your ALL! A good marriage takes hard work, commitment and sacrifice.
Everything you said up until the bathtub innocent sounded very much like a majority of husbands to me. Most of what you said sounds just like my husband and is probably one of our biggest arguments. Every time we discuss or talk about something I get ok I will do it tomorrow. Some days we laugh because I will look at him and say wow that list just keeps getting longer and longer. Example, I have a box of heavy copy paper he was supposed to carry into my preschool on Monday. I just keep taking sleeves out each day because the box is still sitting in the back of my truck. LOL He forgets half of what I ask him to do. Most times I just fluff it off but sometimes it does really get to me. My husband like yours is very intelligent, and it is funny sometimes I wonder how he holds such an important job that requires order, and organization LOL. Like I said it all sounded normal until the bathtub incident.. I would talk to him in a calm moment, maybe go out to dinner and express your concerns. If he is so overwhelmed at work or stressed it could surely preoccupy him. Good luck I hope things work out for you. Please keep us posted, because if you find answers I want them.
Updated
Chemical engineer can equal absent minded professor. Is something happening at work that hubby can't get his mind off? He sounds super distracted. I've been like that recently because of a new stressful issue in my life. I open the fridge, why am I looking in the fridge? I have car keys in my hand and literally 3 seconds later can't find them. My husband tells me about an important event, which I automatically tune out and have no recollection that he told me anything. I am not paying attention and crashing into things in the house etc. Something is stressing him out. When my hubs asks me what's on my mind I also say nothing because it is nothing I can ever really pin point at the moment. I can say I'm stressed he'll want to know why and then I get overly nuts when he wants details. If your hubs almost burned your son that is your last straw and you need to tell him I can take the "I forgot blah blah blah, but reality check you almost seriously hurt our son" Tell him he needs to go to a therapist a doctor, someone. You make the appointment and you take him there. He might resent the control aspect but your concern is for him and also that you can trust him being alone with your son. Because I am aware of how I am being I have taken steps to get help. But it is a slow process so get on it now, because you also don't need the additional stress.
I am sorry to hear your husband is just like mine!!! I have to give reminders all the time and to tell you the truth I am sick of it also. I still have my Christmas decorations in my kitchen because I cannot reach the attic even with a ladder. I remind him again and says ok just let me know when you want it done!!! HUH???? Trash day is on the same day the 10 years we have lived here. He has remembered once. He says I need to remind him at 5am before he leaves for work......!!!! But he can remember boys night every Thursday without being reminded or when the football game is on. He remembers what he wants if it benefits him. I am going to use sticky notes, maybe that will help you as well. But as far as him not checking the tub water........I would be really upset and mad about that. Being late would aslo get me mad if I had an appointment. Why did;nt you call him on his cell phone. I would def get a Dr. appointment for him or try again to find out why he is not connected with you and the children. I wish you luck!!
I think the book CHANGE YOUR BRAIN, CHANGE YOUR LIFE by Dr Daniel Amen would be very helpful. He also did a special on PBS you may be able to view online. He describes similar behavior and offers real remedies.
What you describe is very similar to my experience with family members who have been diagnosed with ADHD. Dr Amen addresses ADHD and other challenges including toxins that cause these problems.
seriously he might have something else going on medically I would ask him to get to the doctor. Or maybe he's doing it on purpose which sometimes I feel like my husband and son do to me because they know they will get a rise out of me.
I think it is time for the two of you to sit down and have a really indepth conversation about this. Hire a babysitter and get out of the house...go to a quiet restaurant or someplace that both of you feel comfortable.
Don't take an accusatory approach with him,tell him how much you love him and how worried you are about some of the things you have observed.
I wouldnt be too worried about the grocery list type of thing...that is just typical behavior for a lot of us. Getting on th computer while you have guests...I can see my husband doing that if he wasn't particularly FOND of the people who were having dinner with us...lol. But the bath incident is scary, there is no reason for something like that to happen. His entire focus should have been on the safety of that little one in the tub. After finding out how concerned you are, if things don't appear to change at all, I would urge him to visit with a doctor....maybe you could convince him to let you go along so that you could give the doctor some background as to why you are concerned.
There is actually, scientific studies on the differences between the male and female brains. Men can only concentrate on one thing at a time, whereas women can think on multiple levels in a given moment. Did you know that the brain of a woman asleep is as active as a man's when he is concentrating?!?! Scary stuff. That said, you will have to be vigilant when he is watching your son. In fact, unless you know your son is safe in his care, I wouldn't leave him alone with your little guy.
I would also realize that his main job is to bring home the money and, although I think parenting is the hardest job on the planet, when he comes home, he needs a break from the rat race. Pass on the honey-do lists and do as much as you can without his help. Is it fair? Heck no, but it will work.
I am sorry to hear what you are going through with your husband. If this is new behavior, maybe you could call your or his doctor and ask what to do. I know my husband would not go to the doctor to check something that I am worried about him, but maybe yours would. If you are just noticing these behaviors more now, it could be that he was always that way, but you are getting tired of it. That is the case with my husband. He totally lacks common sense and just does not think quite often. Either way, good luck to you and know that you are not alone.
Sounds like he may be suffering from terrible twos! Just kidding, but I wonder if he is having trouble accepting his responsibilities as a parent. I would reinforce your concerns and suggest you speak to your therapist. Don't expect him to do anything with your son for now until whatever this is can be resolved.
Hi Jennifer,
It looks like lots of readers have identified with your problem....dealing with a husband whose brain is busy somewhere other than on day-to-day basics.
What hasn't happened is that no one has offered you a real solution. If your husband identifies this as a problem and is willing to work at it, there is help. Each body is wired a certain way, but we can influence it. One of the best and quickest ways to influence how the brain processes things is throught acupuncture. This time-tested practice (2000 years or so in China)
works by rerouting the energy in the body. I see the results of this daily in Chicago where I'm studying the field. Pacific College of Oriental Medicine in Chicago offers a low cost clinic, but there are other practitioners in your area. If you want to explore this with me further feel free to contact me through this site.
It almost sounds like a memory problem. If his memory is having problems, is he taking any cholesterol medication? I had a horrible memory and joint reaction to a statin drug I was taking. The problems I was having disappeared within a week or two after I quit taking the medication. When I began taking it again, the problems came back. I had to stop taking that medication. The side effects were making life very difficult and it just wasn't worth it.
Sounds like Adult ADD. I deal with the same with my husband.
Just wanted to let you know you can try and take you hard drive to Frys electronics or even best buy they have a service that can get data off your hard drive and possible get your pictures back. I find Frys Electronics in Downers Grove more price effective.
As for your husband if this is a new behavior it doesn't hurt to have him get checked by a doctor there could be something wrong. It may be stress as well. I went through a period of time where I truly lost my memory and could not remember a thing yet I did not realize how bad I was until I got my memory back. Is he taking a good Vitamin? Does he take vitamin complex its great for stress. I also started taking two Natural Products ProVitamin Complete and Fruta Vida. My memory is better my stress is down I sleep better and I have incredible energy. Maybe worth looking into for both of you. Having a new born can be tiring and a little stressful. and Nutrition can help. oh yeah I get the product from http://proimagenutrition.com/21488 Lots of great information on the site You have nothing to loose but all to gain by trying something new.
Good luck I pray you get your pictures back.
Prayers and blessings on your situation.
MG
When I was reading this I thought you were describing my marriage! My husband is also an engineer (trained electrical, practicing software) and he is also lacks common sense. When I told him about this post, I said "there is a woman who has a husband just like you - a chemical engineer who is clueless" he said "he's totally different from me, I'm a sofware engineer." I agree that people who are so talented with numbers and technical stuff are less, um, talented at other things - like day-to-day things. I also think that the stress of another child is probably effecting him too. He's probably shutting down a bit more that usual also.
With my husband, it works best if I give him one task at a time, and make sure I have his complete attention before I give him that task. Get him away from his computer (or whatever else is distracting to him) and say can you do XXXXXX. I need this done because XXXXXX. Yes, he should do it just because you asked him and you should not have to justify it, however, with my hubbie, it helps him understand why what he is doing is important to me, and gets me a better result.
Also giving time limits and lists works too. Our hubbies are bright men, so it sounds awful that we need to speak to them like they are children sometimes. Good luck.
Are there stressors that he ios not telling you about? Potential for job loss, not feeling right? I know until you figure it out possibly enlist others to help you with your kids, ensure their safety until you figure it out. Ask him to have a full physical includintg bloodwork, ask to speak to the physician without him present so you feel free to present your concern.psych disorders present at different ages so this as well as family history would be something to explore.
We all can be forgetful frm time to time and the shopping for other brands well I could see my husband doing that cause for whatever reason he thinks its better,but as for the tub that is another situation and he had the reminder of the temp. cause your little one was saying "ow" I think seeing a Dr would be a good idea. You need to be able to leave the kids with your husband once in a while and with this problem Im sure you wouldnt be able to do that without great concern. I hope things work out for you best of luck.
Wow. I'm sorry you are having this issue to deal with, especially while getting over the loss of your mom.
I agree with the other mamas, this sounds like something more than just occasional distraction.
Has he been exposed to any chemicals in his position that could have neurological effects? Other personal issues that he may be dealing with? I am an adult with attention issues, but I have never, never let it affect my ability to take care of my kids, or do my job. Will he see a doctor at your urging? Is his family supportive? Those are routes to go with I think.
It might be time for you to start documenting EVERYTHING that is potentially unsafe or "off" for him. That way, if it gets to the point where you need him to go to the doctors, or what ever else could happen (God forbid), you can present him with a clear representation of what's been going on. It stinks that you have to be in this position, but for your sake and your kids' safety it needs to be dealt with.
I hope you are able to figure this out soon!
Seems like he’s tired of being told what to do so he’s choosing not to listen to you. Like, you gave him a list that was so specific, it not only had the food item but the brand of the food item (a little over controlling) And he responded by purposefully not getting the brand-name and telling you that you were too picky. You are breast-feeding the baby you tell him to fix the computer and he purposefully chooses to do something else and then say “Oops I forgot” to not have confrontation, But yet shows to himself that you’re not the boss because he got away without doing what you said. Having kids so who are so young is always a big huge change and sometimes we overcompensate and handle things poorly. Hopefully you became less restrictive and he became more of a team player and you even yourselves out and you are back to normal by now. It has been eight years LOL
Has he always been like this? Has it just gotten worse recently? Can you pinpoint a time when it started to get worse? If this is more recent behavior, maybe he has something wrong with him medically, and this is the way it is manifesting itself. He should go in for a check up with his doctor, if this is the case. Maybe the death of your mother is affecting him too, emotionally and psychologically, and that is why he is behaving this way. Maybe he should go to counseling also. Men don't like to share their feelings, they think it makes them weak. If he doesn't want to talk to you, then he should talk to someone. Maybe you can suggest that to him. Be sensitive with him, as you would want him to treat you and have a serious conversation about his behavior and how it worries you. Tell him that you don't trust him alone with the kids and that that scares you. Maybe that'll snap him out of it. Good luck and let us know what happens!
has he always been like this or is it something new? If it's a new behavior it may be an actual mental disorder, sign of illness or other issue that is causing it. If he has always been like this but you just didn't care as much prior to kids, then I'll tell you what my husband and I say to eachother - you knew what I was when I married you.
Definitely get professional help. Maybe have him see a neurologist who can diagnose brain conditions, if no one else can seem to find out what it is. Having had two parents with Alzheimer's myself, I can tell you that it starts out very subtle then becomes more obvious over time. I'm not saying it's Alzheimer's, I'm not a medical professional, but that is the best reason to have him checked--asap.
Best wishes,
M.
Some if it sounds like all too common "guy stuff," just not seeing domestic details as very important and getting distracted/not multi-tasking well. But I wouldn't ignore it if you are getting a bad feeling about his behavior.
2 things come to mind from my own situation.....as others mentioned, i'm worried about early dementia signs with my husband. His dad had dementia, although not Alzheimers--his was more about behavior problems, being completely inflexible, and short term memory problems. So I feel like i'm on the look out for that (it's a type that is often passed on, and step mil says that in hindsight there were definitely signs at least 5 years before the diagnosis).
That said...my husband's way of dealing with his stress/fear of becoming a dad was to basically be an Ahole. He couldn't just admit that he was scared, so he had to put on a tough guy "I don't have a problem so you must have the problem" act. Minimizing my concerns about everything, acting put out if I asked for help, etc. So, being distracted/stressed about the change in family dynamic can cause some new behaviors as well.
I'd say talk to your therapist about it, see what s/he thinks. Maybe you and your husband can go in together. It doesn't have to be with the preface that it's just about him, maybe that you feel you guys are out of sync or that you want some help with figuring out how to find balance as a new family of 4.
That might be all you need or, if there are other issues, a therapist will pick up on it.
Good luck!
I think you are right not to trust him right now. Something is going on and it needs to be addressed, and soon. It could be stress, it could be ADD, it could be a lot of other medical things, but you are not equipped to figure it out. If I were you I would definitely have your husband visit the doctor. The behaviors are putting your family in danger. Neither one of you can take back the damage if something really bad happens. Get him in asap and get this checked out for everyone's sake. If you find out it's not medical and it's just behavioral, then at least you will know which direction to go. Best of luck.
I'll bet your husband has some weak executive function skills to begin with (lack of common sense, as you wrote), but it sounds like something else (stress?) is exacerbating the problem because the behaviors have ramped up somewhat. My guess is that your husband can't help it, at least not in the most obvious way (like stopping the behavior, lol), and getting mad at him on a regular basis isn't going to help matters for either of you.
I'd sit down with him and have a good talk - just lay it all out there for him, tell him what you see (use a lot of "I" statements such as "I feel that lately it's been harder for you to remember things" or "I see that you've been getting distracted a lot more lately", not "you keep doing this or that" sort of thing that will immediately put him on the defense). Talk to him of your concerns re: children's safety. Maybe he does need to see the doctor and that may be one of the solutions you both come away with after a discussion.
Some of the things you listed sound somewhat normal; however, you know more than anyone else what is normal for your husband. There is a condition called Early-onset Alzheimers. It usually affects people in their 50's, but can sometimes (although rarely) affect people in their 30's or 40's. This article gives an overview of the condition:
All men share one brain and they all have to have a lil piece of it to use, sometimes the few cells are busy and then they just act like themselves which in return makes us so insane that we wonder why we are still with them... Even though we love them!!!!!!!!!!!
Definitely have your husband go to a doctor. His behavior could be the result of anything from depression to ADD to something else. I would also suggest counseling. I feel that his behavior is not fair to you, and borders (and then some ) on arrogance. The bathtime event is extremely troubling, and the fact that he takes absolutely no responsibility is deeply disturbing, as well. Please have him see a doctor, and go to counseling with you, too.
Yep, time to seek professional help. Several of the items you mention are annoying but ultimately harmless, but a scalding or near-scalding means his behavior is putting his loved ones at risk.
Could be depression, could be a bunch of things. He needs to consult someone pronto. Ask your therapist if you need help with the approach, or get your husband into the therapist's office for a joint session.
Best of luck.
First off, you need to seriously push the having him communicate with you issue. Let him know how it is affecting you, and making you feel. I would like to think it's something maybe work-related that has him all flustered, and a good round of communication is the way to go for that.
Medical, One who I have a friend with it, and two that I have personal experience with(and pray it isn't with you):
Just because he is sleeping, does not mean he is not sleep deprived. My friend found out when in her early 30's that she has sleep apnea. She may sound asleep, and look like she's resting comfortably, but she wakes up exhausted. She went to a sleep specialist, and got help, and now is well rested.
If he is not consciously doing it on purpose due to an issue, then there is this question: Do Seizure disorders run in his family? There is an absence spell type seizure that happens where folks space off. It may change patterns later, but some types(like partial complex) begin with absence spells. It doesn't always appear at an early age either, nor give immediate signs(family member, and it started at a later age).
There is also another one(that I hesitate mentioning, but since it happened to a family member(different from above person), I'll mention it, and also state this is VERY RARE--Early-Onset Alzheimer's. Starts off being forgetful, spacing off, total bewilderment at how they got from point A to B, yet be fine an hour later...There's more to it, but only a doctor in the field could diagnose that.).
I hope this helps. I wish you the best dear.
you have a lot of responses so i hope you got some good info.....my husband is almost in the exact field as yours & we have some of the exact conflicts with the "common sense"......my husband is checked regularly for radiation contamination so i know it's him over a medical condition, lol........when you have a highly intelligent person & throw a man in the mix you get very little common sense, try to not give him to many tasks along with a deadline & tell him how important it is to you to get this done.......but i would also like to say that having 2 young children & you are sleep deprived & the passing of your mother that you may need to seek help (medical) for yourself........my husband & i always had what i thought were major issues right after i had a baby.....we were in marriage counseling for sometime & i really learned how to recognize how i was contributing to my husbands behavior.......please dont think that i am undermining your husbands negligence, he needs to be more sensitive to your needs....i wish you the best, hang in there & sorry about your mother xoxo
Aside from the scalding hot water thing which is quite scary, I agree, most of your complaints sound somewhat petty. I mean, it's not like he's out getting plowed--he's doing your taxes and going grocery shopping. To be honest, the tone of your complaints sound like you treat him like a kid, and he might be rebelling like a kid. If his behavior is passive-aggressive, and not simple forgetfulness, I think that it's both of your problems, and not just his alone. In other words, he may be acting this way because you are giving him lists with "very specific brand names" etc., and he knows that no matter what he does, it won't be right, so why not just do whatever...that is the vibe I get from your complaints. And eating breakfast amd taking a half-hour for himself instead of getting something...I mean, is that important? Really. Think about it. Is it? I dunno. For me? No. For you? Maybe. I try not to sweat the small stuff with my mate and vice versa. But if it is bothering you so tremendously, have a talk with him and let him present his case as well and see if there isn't something going on underneath the surface of things.
That said, putting the kid in too hot of water is scary. He needs to know that certain things (ie your child's safety) are too important to mess up versus the small things that don't really matter (ie not getting the right cereal or whatever).
For yours and your kids' sake, let him "mess up" a few things and cut him some slack so long as he doesn't mess up the important ones!
I would wonder if he might have Asperger's - a high functioning form of autism. My 17 year old son has it, and likely my husband and his dad do too. They are highly intelligent, yet lack common sense. They have a low emotional IQ - do not understand other peoples subtle cues at all. There are a lot of examples I could give - but usually they have few friends, and no concept of time and why being punctual could be important. My son can build and wire computer boards all day long, but cannot remember to tie his shoes without being prompted. In the meantime, you are right to not trust him. He likely does not intentionally do things to harm your son, but it could happen.
sorry if I'm going to repeat things others may have said but I haven't read any of the responses. My husband is the same way and after me complaining about all of his "oops", he finally said it seems like the only time I talk to him was to complain and never once did I ever say "thanks for doing this or that, you did a good job". I was shocked he actually said that because I felt after nursing 2 kids and taking on most of responsibilities daily, I would never once expect or need him to say to me "thanks for XXX" so it would never dawn on me to have to go out of my way to tell him "thanks for changing a diaper you did a good job". To this day, I still think that's crazy.
But, it showed me that he deep down inside just felt neglected. My husband now does most of the grocery shopping as well - but I turn it around and always ask him "do you want to stay with the kids or would you rather go shopping". 100% of the time, he'd rather go shopping (whereas I'd rather stay home, but I don't let him know it). That way, he also feels like he has a say in the matter :)
Second part of would be that he might be growing tired of the responsibility he has and may think if he screws it up, you'll take on that responsibility as well (that's my true feeling on why guys tend to screw up the simplest things) - but each time I mentioned my thought, my husband denied it, but I spoke to other husbands (and I don't know their wives) and they all admitted that they've been known to screw up something on purpose so that their wives don't ask them to do it again.
My ex husband did many of these similar things, and he turned out to have obsessive compulsive disorder. He spent a lot of time thinking and obsessing about things so he really did not realize some things at times Also you might ask your therapist to describe what passive agression is. It is quite possible that he is overloaded at work and wants to come home and not feel loaded and although it is noble you giving him lists might not be what he needs. He perhaps needs a little break. (sorry not from you but in his day from lists, chores, assignments, etc.) and a passive agressive personality is someone that is angry, does not express it and does other things so you will stop giving him assignments instead of saying straight out 'hey I need some time, too'.I have a sister who was particular about her lists also. She screamed at me when I brought home the wrong spaghetti noodles (she wanted Prince and I brought home something different). Good heavens what difference did that make? At any rate, I agree that it is scarey that your son could have gotten hurt and things like that happened with my ex, but I do not want this man to become your ex so... If you need someone to babysit when you go to the therapist is it possible that you can get a babysitter or bring the little one along? In addition, hubby might be grieving in his own way also for your mother, or perhaps he is actually fostering an illness or condition of sorts. I would think the therapist you go to would shed some light on this.
I might also suggest this: look around your home and see if it is a healthy home, there are various molds that can cause some peoples minds to get somewhat foggy and that is worth an inspection. In addition you did not say how old your husband is. There are also the very extreme circumstances that he is maturing a bit earlier and just overwhelmed and becoming forgetful. Good luck~!
All of those things sound very serious. My condolences concerning the loss of your mother such a short time ago. My heart goes out to you. And I hope that within all of the happenings, concerns and responsibilities that you take some time for yourself.
In fact I think that is part of the issue for you and hubby. He may very stressed at work and just looking to escape when he gets home. These are very interesting times that we live in and work can be a bear. Home can be a bear too. There are several kinds of time that a family needs. Time with the kids, time for self and time for each other including negotiating time. If you want to take the high road, offer some time for him to decompress. Take the lead and be the time manager by being creating the atmosphere of communication that you want in your family's home. After all you have the dominion there. Men usually aren't too bright in this area and it takes a savvy woman to use her talents and powers. That sounds very traditional, yes it is and it works.
