I just wanted some opinions from mothers with more than one child about how their second (or more) children do with the whining and competing to be heard (screaming, really). My oldest is almost 4 and my youngest is 2 1/2. My youngest has a very strong personality and needs a lot of physical attention and affection, which I try my very best to give her (along with my first child). She has always been a 'screamer' ever since she was born - it's like it's her first response to a lot of things! She literally screamed and screamed as a form of communication until she was about 18 months. She doesn't have any medical problems and always checks out fine at her well baby appts. and she eats and sleeps well. We don't have a 'loud' home - I keep the TV off unless they are watching a DVD or show I have selected (which is only a little each day) and we don't yell or anything like that so I don't understand why she has to scream all the time. I try to talk in a calm voice and tell her to use her big girl words (she speaks pretty well) yet it's like she won't ever change. I've been trying with more determination for the past 6 months to focus on that behavior but it seems as if we're getting nowhere. I know that being close-in-age with her older sister is surely part of the issue, but I know she is not neglected or short changed just because of the older one. I am not perfect, but I make a conscious effort every day to give attention to both my children according to the type of attention they need. Ugh! Anyone have experience here? Does it ever change?? Do they just grow out of it?
I wanted to do another update on this request because I know I am not the only mom ever to deal with this issue. I understand that most people think when a child is screaming that the parent has done something to reward the behavior, however that is not the case here. I have tried all the 'typical' approaches, like ignoring her, telling her when she is ready to talk like a big girl I will listen....but she doesn't stop for HOURS. I am a very strong willed person myself, but letting her get so hysterical seemed borderline neglectful to me. It takes a lot to get me agitated, but I couldn't go on with it. She is a strong willed child and very sensitive and I think the combination is the problem. I certainly haven't been a perfect parent, but she has literally been a screamer since she was born. My first daughter was a very easy baby and at age 4 has never gone through the 'terrible twos' or any kind of thing like that. They are so different! I think if I my second child hadn't been 'a screamer' then I would never believe someone who said this stuff either. I just wanted to encourage other mom's of children who are 'screamers' that if you truely aren't rewarding the behavior, then chances are it is something that they'll just have to grow out of. The main thing that has helped my daughter since I posted my request was that I gave her MORE attention and validated her feelings and she literally dried her tears in SECONDS!!! I showed my husband how to do it and he said it was like magic! She is a different child now and I am so glad!
...well I wondered the same thing for about 3 years, but my little GUY finally is coming into his own and apparently, he has quite a personality. Several friends would ask me what was wrong with him, give advice, etc.... but here was the best advice:
1 validate their feelings -- "I understand you don't want to blank blank, but....."
2 read "The Strong Willed child" by James Dobson
Actually my third child is the one who had the problem. When she screams, she is sent to her room for a time out. It's starting to work. Patience. Good Luck. A.
A.:
First off - THANK YOU! to you and your husband! His service and sacrifices to our country are VERY MUCH appreciated!
Welcome back to the US! Being a former military family - I understand moving and being abroad! What fun!
Okay - now for your baby girl. When you go out in public - does she scream? When you take her to a restaurant, does she scream? I guess is it screaming or talking loud? You know how everyone has a different view of things - my boys are loud.
If she does - have her hearing checked. Talk with the pediatrician about this.
If she doesn't do this in public or elsewhere, it's how she deals with you and the rest of the family at home. The issue would then be how you handle it and address it. As long as she is getting attention ("we use our big girl words", etc.) she is being recognized and getting what she wants - therefore, in her 2 year old mind, she is getting attention.
If you can ignore her - I know how hard that can be, but don't give ANY credence to her behavior unless it's what you want. If you are doing something together and she starts screaming - walk away. When she starts talking the way you want her to, go back. If she screams "why did you leave me?" answer her back "I don't play with people who shout and scream."
I know she's "only" two and it appears she is VERY smart and manipulative. But in reality, it's like she's training or controlling you and her behavior is being rewarded - whether it be good or bad, it's being rewarded.
We have simple rules in our home - do unto others as you would have done on to you. My boys don't like my yelling at them. So, they don't yell at me. Yes - I do yell sometimes.
Again, thanks for your sacrifices and your husband's service to our country!
I hope all works out for you.
Best regards,
Cheryl
Hi A.,
Different personalities !
I have 3 myself and let me tell you they are all very different in their own way. My second child was very much a screamer and the instigator but now that she is 13, she is very quiet and hard to get her to open up. I know this has a lot to do with teenagers. But as a child she was a totally different person with different needs than my other two. She was very much more demanding. But they do out grow it with your help. Now my first child was a boy, and I have noticed now that my 3rd child was another girl that GIRLS are very dramatic. Naturally. My guess is that it maybe harder because your girls are with you all day fighting for your attention and for the most part getting it until you are exhausted. I would suggest maybe planning some outings to give you a break, play dates to were her butt out. Also my husband was very guilty of giving in to my daughter when she was screaming just so he could have peace. VERY BAD IDEA. It gets worse when you do say no. I would put my daughter in here room when she began scream and shut the door and just very calmly tell her that when she stops then she may come out. But she needs to use her words.
I only have an eight-month-old, so I'm not sure I will be much help...but here's a try:
My sister has a screamer (also her second child:)). When her daughter screams or yells while talking, my sister calmly says, "I can't understand you until you can talk softer" or something along those lines. Her daughter just turned 3 and seems to be learning.
Good luck! I am sure that with patience "this too will pass":)
Although your little one is screaming, he is old enough to understand the inside voice. My 2 year old is always whining and screaming. But then again so did I at his age and I'm the first child. With guidance they do grow out of it. Both my children love to watch Little Einsteins and I've been able to incorporate the musical terms to everyday life. I tell my children to decrescendo their voice - quiet their voice and they do. They know what decrescendo means without me using the word quiet. Although I do still use the other terms so they remember them when other use them. Work with your little one and he'll be fine. I sometimes get frustrated when all day I get whining and no words (even from my husband). I make everyone in my family use their words or they get nothing out of me. lol, it works. Hope this helps. God Bless
Oh MAN! Did I write this? I certainly could have, except that mine are boys 4 1/2 and almost 2. So I don't have much advice, except for keep the faith and don't ever give up. ;) I'm hoping that with an expanded vocabulary, he'll stop the screaming. I also give him other ways to express himself in certain situations. It's working a little, but repetition is the key. For example: when he watches a Thomas the Tank Engine dvd, and one of the engines crashes (it happens all the time on Thomas) he lets out a blood curdling scream! I tell him to say UH OH instead, and he has started doing it on his own. We also use sign language to try to cut the frustration factor. That works a little as well. If he's all done, wants more, something to drink, no, Mommy, a banana, not grapes... that sort of thing... he can sign to me. He's starting to talk more and more, but the sign language has helped a great deal over the past year or so.
So... good luck and know you aren't the only one... you aren't doing anything wrong, and we're pulling for you. ;)
~J.
You don't mention specifically, but I assume you've had her hearing checked several times to make sure something hasn't occurred to make her hearing decline. If it truly is nothing physical, then I agree that at this point it's most likely a learned behavior. The ignoring worked for us with our son when he did things repeatedly that were unacceptable so I would be certain you don't reinforce the loudness in any way. Also have you tried whispering games? My son at one point would walk around whispering things and it drove me crazy that it wasn't loud enough for me to hear! Good luck.
I don't think the birth order has any connection to your child's screaming. It is just her personality. You sound like a good mother. If no one else in the family is a screamer, perhaps she will learn to tune down a bit. AF
It's a horrid law of the universe that whatever behavior you dislike the most, it's probably the behavior you pay the most attention to--and end up rewarding. Try working on the other end of things, and rewarding her with lavish attention when she asks for things in a normal voice. As for the screaming....buy earplugs, and grit your teeth. This is a tough one and believe me, I know...
When you described your second born as a screamer since birth, I figured your second had a lot in common with my second. However, I don't think its the "second" that decided their temperament. I think she would have been this way if she was the third, or fourth, etc.
The important thing is to stop responding to her EVERY TIME she is too loud or not an appropriate volume. Also, she has to go someplace to scream where no one else has to hear it. I'd be happy to share more, like where you need to go in your heart when the tantrums come because the noise is all she can do (and she doesn't know how to stop - yet she does...she just never had to look before)... and the noise may have something to do with sensory integration, ask an occupational therapist experienced with children for a few options (my daughter needs lots of trampoline time, and wrestling...and a variety of artistic outlets). Sorry, I have to go, feel free to write me for more- anyone.
Don't know if it will help. I have a (just turned) 3 and 5 yr old. I tell the younger one that I cannot understand her when she is screaming. Then focus attention elsewhere. Wait 20-30 seconds and ask if she is ready to calm down. Repeat until she is willing to talk calmly. I try to avoid giving her the attention when she screams, so I'm not rewarding the bad behavior. Cooperative play between the two has improved in the last 6 months too. Keep the faith.
I had a child just like this and the only thing that made him change was to instead of giving her attention when she is screaming...Totaly and Completly ignore her..100% of the time..dont give in even once.She is old enough to understand you,so tell her before you turn to ignor her,that you will only give her the attention or answer her or what ever it is she is demanding from you when she talks in a calm big girl voice like you are,and then turn your whole body away from her and go about your other duties.She will freak out at first and even try to get louder...but your patience will pay off I promise you...it took a while with my youngest because I had taught him from the time he was a baby that his screaming would get a response from me...so it is totaly our fault!!! So I had to re-teach him that only calm voices gets attention...and now he speaks like every other normal child.Good Luck!
Well for one it is her personality. But it's being fed from something. You talk as if you do nothing to feed it but would she do it if there was no gain. So what you need to do is make sure you don't respond at all when she yells for things. (don't punish, don't answer don't respond in ANY way) Ignore her completely. If you feel the need to say something Right when she first starts yelling Say "I only answer to get things for people who ask polity and quietly." Thank don't say another word. After going through this over and over in a day and maybe a few days she will stop. I believe the reason it goes on is because she is the sec. child, when she would do these things when she was younger you were trying to shield the older one from her loudness by answering quickly to quiet her. Well you taught her the louder the quicker you respond. Good luck
I agree with the other moms. She's got to be getting what she wants when she yells, or she wouldn't do it - as often anyway! Tell her you only listen to people who talk and ask nicely, not people who scream. I expect the stage will reassert itself occasionally, at least over the next year or so until she really learns, and you just repeat the process. Be patient, firm and consistent. You sound like you don't ever yell back and that's the case, keep that up. That helps your blood pressure! And shows your kids you can stay in control, that they're not able to "get to you".
She'll probably throw a few tantrums when she realizes the old system is not working. Ignore her as much as possible.
S. K
Being close in age may not have anything to do with it. My boys are 5 years apart and my little one still hollers at the top of his lungs about everything. He's just a loud baby. Don't know why this is, but you're not alone. My first was very quiet, but his little brother makes enough noise for the two of them all by himself.
BTW: Good for you on homeschooling. We are also home schoolers....there's nothing like it!! :)
Since your youngest is 2.5, she is old enough to understand to use an inside voice. When she whines or yells, don't respond to her request. Ask her to use an inside voice or to ask nicely. Tell her that we don't yell in our house. You need to be consistent. If you let her have what she wants because she's yelling, you've perpetuated the problem. It's going to take some doing, but you'll manage.
YMMV
LBC
