Do Your Husbands Really Do What You Ask?

I don't think anyone likes to be told what to do, but most people that are happy and in love if spoken to and appoached right would compromise to make their SO happy. If he isn't willig to compromise then I guess you have to think about why he doesn't care to make you happy. But I think no TV for a week is a bit extreme and sounds like a punishment for him, how about no tv while the kids are up for certain days, or for a certain length of time?

I didn't comment yesterday...but was thinking about it. Could you guys afford to get DVR, so he could record his shows and then watch after the kids go to bed and you and he have some time together. Plus he could then fast forward all the commercials.

He wouldn't be missing his shows, just delaying gratification until later.

Just a thought.

Oh and no my husband doesn't always do what I want to do or want him to do...but he does listen to me think about stuff and will then decide what he thinks. Usually if it is very very important to me...he will make it important to him.

I've said it before S.... if I were married to the man you chose, he'd be black and blue from my teasingly loving paddlings and spankings. I cannot STAND men who are so jerkish/arrogant/unhelpful to their spouses!

I'd have given up on him a long time ago and may have found another man to supply me with the emotional intimacy I'd need. Being just a friend with my spouse wouldn't last long for me.

While he isn't home... remove the TVs from the house and store them at a friend's house.

Oh S.-

The TV watching/not TV watching is merely a symptom I think of larger issues IMO...

I, again, encourage you to go to marriage and family counseling...ask around for some recommendations from friends...co workers...pastor/clergy person...A good counselor/therapist will be of help. If 'he' won't go with...YOU go alone...It will help no matter what 'happens' or does not 'happen' with hubby. You will be able to sort things out with someone objective...who will help you refine/DEfine skills to help you WITH your marriage...or...with OUT it...

I send you cyber 'hugs'...

I have been where you are...

My ex was unwilling to give up his 'coping' mechanism (in his case, drinking)...

My SO (pete) would do anything asked...required...hinted at.....FOR me...because he LOVES me. I would do the same for him...because I LOVE him ...

It really is sometimes just that simple...

Hugs again!
Michele/cat

Bless your heart, S.. I know that you are legitimately hurting, and you seem to be spiraling out of control in desperation. Your husband seems to be sticking to what he knows and just kinda letting you do your thing. It feels so personal for you, but I just don't think it is. I suggest that you stop and take a breath and get some perspective. As you well know, you have daddy issues. That translates directly to what you choose in a mate. Consider that you might be hypersensitive to the whole attention thing because you want it from your father. If you really think about it, your husband is probably the same man he's always been, but you are evolving and having your eyes opened just a little more, becoming the woman you are meant to be.

This happens a lot when a woman marries a man before dealing with her issues. He meets her current needs and personality, which change over time. Then, she opens her eyes and wonders why he doesn't see what she sees. This is a dangerous transformation without the guidance of a counselor. If you do not have the awareness to look at yourself from outside yourself, then your good mental and emotional health requires a third party to offer perspective. Right now the state of your family depends on it.

(Oh, and this doesn't just happen with people who are less self-aware. We always marry who we marry for reasons not known to our conscious minds. We are drawn to what is going to help us get to where we're trying to go. Our mates are the biggest and clearest mirrors that we could ever look into. Investigate that concept and learn what you can do to bring peace to the situation.)

Keep in mind that this is your growth spurt, not his. Even as a married couple, you have your individual journeys, and you are trying to force your life lessons onto him. There is a way to grow together, but it can't be forced.

No my husband doesn't do anything I ask unless he wants to . He would laugh in my face if I said no tv...I read some answers you got and thought all of it sounds good but the chances of that working are slim.\
You can't be a dictator in your home by saying no tv for a week. You can't manipulate him into doing things with the family either. He has to want to becaus he wants to. Would it really feel good to know your husband is only hanging out with you and the kids because you promised him something in return? Would you really be having fun when in the back of your mind you know he really doesn't want to be there? I didn't so like I said in my other answer I quit asking him. My husband checked out of our marraige a long time ago and sometimes he seems to be on his way to checking out of our kids llives too,if it wasn't for football he wouldn't do much. I don't know what to tell you though. You sound like you really want your husbands attention and I hope you get it. I hope you don't end up like me one day,not even sure you love the man you married anymore but not sure if you want to leave him(then end up pregnant with a fourth kid and wonder how you will manage four on your own). I hope your husband wakes up,mans up, and realizes that he has more to do than go to work and have fun for himself. He has a responsibility to his family,he is the head of the household.

Husbands are not children. You can't tell them what to do. I don't get why some other wives think that they can just make unilateral decisions that affect other adults and have an expectation that their husbands will just comply. It clearly works in some marriages (like my parents' marriage) but not mine.

It's nice when spouses accommodate each others' wishes, requests, etc. but they should also be phrased as such. I think that declaring a "no TV" week without checking with your husband first is obnoxious and if I were him, I'd watch TV just to spite you LOL. Next time you want to issue a family rule, schedule change, or other command etc. maybe float the idea by him first and get his buy-in or negotiate a compromise behind closed doors so that you can still present a united front to your kids.

If your husband just came home one day and announced a new rule that took away something that you enjoy doing in your leisure time, would you be OK with that? Honey, no (sitting in the sun, reading a book, having a cup of tea, knitting, having a drink with a girlfriend, whatever you do to zone out and relax at the end of a long day) this week! Wouldn't you be like "yeah right buddy you can't tell me what to do" and ignore him?

Tread carefully on what is non-optional in a marriage. "Non optional" things are those which you would divorce over. Everything else is optional and negotiable between reasonable adults - he is not your child and doesn't need to do what you say, and vice-versa.

Have you read any books about how to communicate with hubby?
My husband used to criticize me too much, it made him feel like a better parent and helper around the house to criticize how i cooked, how i cleaned, how I shopped etc. Maybe I am just more sensitive than others. What worked is I finally told him, "If you are that unhappy with me, then I want you to leave and find a woman who will make you happy. I love you so much and I want you to be happy and you do not sound happy with me. I do not want to separate, I love you but I do want you to be happier." He was very shocked, cuz he had no idea there was a problem and here I am suggesting he would be happier if we divorced and he remarried! I worded it very carefully It was all about my love for him and wanting him to be happy not complaining about his behavior.
Make this all about your husband and wanting him to be happy. Honestly I thought about this after your post yesterday and wondered if your husband is depressed?? It sounds like he is even though he may say TV makes him happy.
When you have his attention ASK him why he doesnt seem to enjoy spending time with you and your kids. Then listen very quietly, he will prob say "but I do spend time..." calmly say it doesnt feel like enough time (do not mention the TV at this time, make this a separate issue, it would be the same if he was on face book or his cell phone or playing video games) You can easily find and print out articles that resesrach shows that the more a man is involved with his family and running his household, the happier ad healthier he is. Share those with him. When he is watching tv Try saying nothing more than but "I feel unloved when you ignore me for the TV" then walk away. You've expresed your feelings but dont want to hear his excuses. or "I feel so sad for the children when you chose TV over playing with them on such a nice evening" DON"T nag about turning it off, just tell him your feelings every single day.
As to your question: does my husband do what I ask. he has this passive aggressive thing where he wont do it right away, he may get very mad at me for asking (nagging) he doesnt do it the first few times I ask so then it becomes nagging. Then we may fight, then LATER he will do it, acting like it was his idea.

If I "ask" my husband to do something, yes it typically gets done. If I "tell" my husband to do something the fight is on. My oldest son is the same way. He will do anything I ask, but if I tell and demand he pushes against me with all he has.
I have learned to plant a seed or idea in my husbands head and let it swim around for a few days and then come back to the conversation later. He needs time to think about things and consider all the options. It took me years to learn this and has made a big difference in our communication. I make a lot of "emotional" decisions and my husband is the complete opposite. He needs time to process the info and take the emotion out of it. Of course, I am just referring to big decisions here, not things like taking out the garbage. That he does if I just say "hey babe, garbage is full, could you run it out?"
Good luck ~ I know you're having a tough time right now.
You know what else I do if there's something I really want my husband to do with the kids ~ I have the kids ask him :) he has a hard time telling those sweet little faces no! For example, last night after football I was trying to get dinner ready and my little guy wanted to go look for frogs. Obviously I couldn't so I said "go climb in Daddy's lap and ask him" Worked like a charm!

Girl, my husband wouldnt do that either. He does help me with the kids at night (when I ask him to) in between his TV watching and internet playing. We eat dinner together with no TV. After the kids go to bed, I do some stuff around the house while he lays on the couch and watches more TV. Then when Im ready for him, I tell him to come in our room to watch TV together. We watch TV, talk, do whatever really, but its just nice to be close to him at the end of the crazy day.
Now that I think of it, we dont make a big deal out of quality time together, maybe we should.
But, your not alone, like I said, my husband would giggle if I asked him not to watch the Cardinals! ;)

Come move by me. We can go shopping while they watch TV. ;)

This is the kind of thing that I wouldn't spring on DH, especially if he is/was hooked on TV. If I told him "Hey, this week, no TV/computers" (even in a happy fun voice), he'd be pissed. He doesn't like being dictated to or given ultimatums (even ultimatums painted to look like "happy, fun family time").

What I would do is address the issue with him specifically. If you don't want to point the finger at him and say "Hun, you're watching too much TV," I would say something more like "Sorry that I threw that at you. I'm just concerned about us not spending as much time together as a family, and that the TV (computer, video games, whatever) is really drawing us away from each other. How about we sit down and pick one or two nights per week when it's no TV (or whatever) and go do something like X (go to the park, go geocaching, get into a squirt gun fight, family game night, etc.). I know you love baseball, and I promise we won't do these activities when X team plays, but when other teams play, how about a compromise, like, we'll be home to watch the game by X or we can play to do family activity and bring the radio so you can listen to the game."

I think it's really, really important, also, to recognize & reward the positive behaviors you are seeing. (IE, thank him for doing the dishes). Men like to be heroes, and if he thinks he's your hero (and the kids' hero) and that doing stuff for them helps with that, it will probably help him to want to the hard/boring/not-fun stuff more.

The issue here as I see it is RESPECT. He doesn't seem to respect you. My husband does what I ask of him but there are times when I'm a bear and he just won't have me talking to him any old kind of way. During those times it is perfectly acceptible for him to correct me. I know when I have overstepped my boundaries and have been disrespectful to him.

The key for me to getting my husband to comply with my wishes is loads of praise. I praise him for all of the good things he does. I praise him to other people when he is in ear shot. I praise him in front of the children. He isn't all bad but when he does something good I praise him. I let him know just how thankful and grateful I am about him doing what he does and how he cares for our family. When I pour or lavish him with praise I get more good behavior. Often when I have filled him up with praise, I can ask him just about anything and he is willing to do whatever. Or even asking him like this, "Honey what do you thing about this?" shows him your respect his opinion on things.

Encouragement goes a long way to developing a good relationship with a husband. The male ego is a fragile thing.

Based on your last few questions, I can tell you are really frustrated with your husband. It's like you are trying to get him to do what YOU want him to do and he just isn't interested.
I felt sad when I read that he doesn't want to have a date night with you (using the baby's too young as an excuse) and even sadder when I read that you don't know how to go out alone or what to do with yourself without your husband and/or family.
I really, really think you need to spend some time concentrating on YOU. Your husband seems to be fine with the way things are, YOU are the one who is unhappy. No woman can change her husband. I mean sure, we can negotiate, compromise, etc. but only to a certain extent, and only if the husband is willing.
You need to spend some time exploring your interests. When my kids were little, I went back to school at night. It took me several years to finish but I loved going to class after being with the kids all day, and having reading and homework was a great outlet during the day while the kids were playing.
And as far as getting together with your girlfriends, I don't know of any woman (except those with brand new babies) who don't make an effort to get together with their girl friends occasionally, even if it's just to go for a walk, out for a drink or coffee, shopping, movies, whatever.
IMO, a woman can NOT be made completely happy by her husband and children, she NEEDS mental and physical challenges, and she needs the friendship and companionship of other women. I hope you are able to find some of these things for yourself.

I think what went wrong....was that you did not involve him in the decision-making process. You took it upon yourself to make a command decision affecting the entire family....without consulting him, & he didn't "buy" into it. Doesn't matter how excited you are about the prospect....it was a solo decision!

Based on your other postings, I don't think this would have made much of a difference.....BUT you're trying to change the rules of engagement without your spouse's input. Not quite fair!

Take a step back....how would you feel if you were on the receiving end of this type of behavior?

(deep breath)....one more question: from the time you've known him, has your DH always been connected to his tv? Has he always enjoyed watching sports/baseball & other programming? I do remember you mentioning that he plays golf....is that his only activity outside of the home?

The reason I'm asking is because this does factor into the issues in your relationship. You are expressing a lot of un-met needs, both wanting some time off & wanting time with him as a part of the family. Are all of these changes just on your end....or has he also changed? & that's where my question comes into play.....are you trying to change who he's always been - simply because you are the one in the process of change?

Please don't take offense at my questions/comments. You've been posting a lot lately about your issues....& I think it's all tied together. How much of this is you....& how much is him? Peace!

Whooooa! My answer to your actual question: rarely, does my DH cooperate. & it's getting harder & harder to get his head unstuck from a certain part of his body. 30 year anniversary in October! He's going fishing & I'm running off with my Mom! A perfect choice for both of us! Seriously!

He can't turn the T.V. on if the cable has been disconnected but I think in your situation that would only cause a fight and I wouldn't want to intentionally cause a fight between anyone.
My husband ......lol....it depends on what I'm asking. If I ask him to please cook dinner for me-he will. If I ask him to take the trash out -um sometimes it makes it other times it does not. If I came home and told him no sports for a week he would totally flip out-lol! That would be like your husband coming home and taking away something of yours that you enjoy way too much....it would make you mad. It kinda stinks that he won't support you in this decision and you tried to convince him so I don't know what else you could do without it causing a huge arguement which would solve nothing. Maybe you could sit down with him and have a heart to heart with him?? Maybe tell him how it makes you feel when he doesn't "support" you in these type of decisions. If all else fails go ahead and do it without him-I wouldn't allow my husband to dictate something like this. A counselor once told me because of the type of person I am-always giving in and always giving to others that it was "okay" to ask someone to do something for me in order to make me happy and if they weren't willing to do so well then they don't have your best interest at heart. Why wouldn't a husband or wife want to make their spouse happy? Within reason of course...........I agree with the other posters too in the way you presented it to him. I think I would have flipped out too if my husband walked through the door and just said this and that was going to change without discussing it with me first. We are a team and a team can't play together if they don't have the same game plan and commuincate that to each other. We don't always get it right but we try. Marriage isn't easy whoever said it was must be dillusional.

My husband would have agreed to this if we talked about it ahead of time. If I walked in and announced it (without a convo with him first) it probably wouldn't have gone over well.

It's not really about what he says/ I say- neither of us does something simply b/c the other "told me to do it". That sounds way too much like something a parent would say, not something a spouse would discuss. If I would like something done/not done, we talk about it. If it makes sense, then yes, of course he does it. If it doesn't make sense, then probably not.

You may want to start much smaller here, S.. Maybe no t.v for the hour after dinner? You may get further with this than a whole week of no television.

Mine does, and I will do things he thinks will be good. The reason I do it is because I know my husband has only the best interest at heart for his family and I trust his decision making. I've never asked him because this is a non-issue, but I assume that he feels the same.

I don't think there is a way to "make" an unwilling adult participate/cooperate. And would you really want to "make" him? That's no good! Hopefully, you'll be able to talk him into it by explaining why you believe no TV for a week would be beneficial for your family. **Also, maybe if you come up with fun alternatives and present them in a really nice way so that it's not like you're bossing him around. Try: "We haven't played ___ board game/read the kids stories for a while so I thought we'd all have fun with it today after dinner". Also, I agree with starting small and making it for about an hour. He is an adult and may use TV to unwind. Best wishes!

The best I can say to relate to this is my bf and maybe the news or hockey. I know his favorite news shows and his favorite team, so I know when he will be "busy" or "out of touch". I usually just plan my day regardless of what he does (I know its different when you're married but this is the best advice I've got). For example, he likes watching the news on PBS on Saturday mornings until 11am, this is when I go down and get coffee/donuts or just spend the morning shopping, whatever. When I get back home after that time and then we plan our day.

Sports is more hectic because the games are on different times and different nights, so sometimes I go a little crazy, especially during hockey season. This is when I usually end up saying something like "MY LIFE DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND WHETHER OR NOT A PLASTIC PUCK HITS THE BACK OF A HOCKEY NET, TURN OOOOOFF THE TEEEEEEEEEE VEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" .......And I grow horns and a tail and jab him with my pitchfork I AM WOMAN! :P

Maybe you could sit and ask your husband if there are specific shows he would like to watch during the week and maybe keep it to a certain amount of hours during the week. If he is like you say he is "Dad will do what Dad wants to do" then you either put your foot down and say I will destroy the TV before it destroys my marriage, or live separatly from your husband, as in do your own thing with your kids all the time (when you do this you run the risk of him feeling like you are pushing him away because he doesn't see that he is pushing his family away).

Good luck

My husband would die without TV for a week!
Yes--he does a lot of what I ask him to do, but that TV-less week would be non-negotiable.

So true! Free will is a booger some times, eh? I know I have mentioned ideas like this and my husband has, not really boycotted the idea, but put himself in the "exclusion" category. So, I went ahead and did - family game night, Breakfast together as our "family" meal, etc. guess what, when he realized I stuck with it and saw all the fun we were having - he joined in:)
Between you and me, I think a no tv week (news and all) is a bit dramatic and could have been a bomshell to him. It would be at my house - LOL!
Maybe talk with him one one one about the reason behind it (make it be about the kids and family, not him) and that you really need his support to make this successful. You can DVR Pre-season FB and he can watch it covertly before bed after kids are in bed - maybe you even offer to do bedtime alone for the week so he can use that time to catch up on his games, etc.
I don't ever try to TELL my husband to do things - I guess I put myself in his shoes and know how offended I would be that 1. he just decided and told me like I was a child and 2. that he didn't care enough about me and my opionion on our family to consult me on decisions such as this.
My 2 cents - good luck - sounds like a fun idea!!
Per your edit -NO "putting my foot down" would not work in my house. We are a team and try to work like one. I also rarely give anyone advice that is ultimatum based unless health or safety are at risk :) BUT I know each person's home is different . . .

S., all of our advice aside - it seems pretty clear that your husband isn't interested in listening to your wishes, desires, or requests. If he doesn't help around the house, doesn't spend time with the kids, and won't turn the TV off when you ask, what kind of relationship is that? I think you've got a bigger problem than just his TV habit, although it does sound like he's addicted to it and needs to get some help for that problem. Is it possible that he doesn't like his life and is using the TV to tune it all out? I understand that he's a "I'm the dad and I'm in charge" sort of guy... but how can that work if he doesn't respect you enough to listen to your ideas? It's not like you're asking him to quit his job so he can stay home and spend time with you. You're asking him to be involved in his family while he's at home. So, to answer your question - yes, if I had something this important that I asked my husband to do, he would do it. He might grumble and not be the most pleasant guy in the world about it, but yeah - he'd turn off the TV and start helping out with the kids and the house. In our 10 years of marriage, I've asked my husband to change his ways and he has. He's done the same to me too, of course. Marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship.

I think you've got three options. First, let things go like they've been going. Don't ask him to do thing because you know he's not going to. The benefit is that you don't have to argue. The negative is that you don't get what you want and your kids don't have their dad to play with in the evenings or on weekends. Second, you could sit your husband down and tell him that his refusal is simply unacceptable. Tell him that you understand that he likes to watch TV, but there need to be limits and that he needs to spend time with his family. Perhaps the deal will be that he watches TV only after the kids are in bed, and engages with them beforehand. Or maybe he watches TV on M, W, and Fri evenings and all day Sunday, but gives you and the family all of T, Th, and Saturday. Third option, and this one I'd only recommend if he won't compromise (but seriously - who can't compromise with their wife? I'm really having a hard time understanding how a guy could just say NO WAY) - stop doing whatever it is that is enabling your husband to treat you like this. If he won't help around the house, then stop helping him. Don't make him dinner. Don't pick up after him. Don't prohibit the kids from bothering dad when he's watching TV. And be upfront that if he's not going to put any effort into the marriage, then you won't either.

My husband never does what I want - His first answer is always NO. After he has thought about it a little, he may relent, but the not watching tv thing, would never go down in my house. It is his down time, he works hard.
I don't think I would be too happy if my husband said "righto, no computer for you this week madam, do as I say now, turn it off" I would laugh in his face.

My husband is similar to yours. I can't just put my foot down. He would take that as a hostile move on my part and get upset. Ideas have to be sugar coated and presented in a special way to get what I want LOL

If I came home and said it was a no TV week my husband and kids would balk too. Kids would get over it, husband would not. There's soccer on! I wouldn't want to do it either. But, your situation is a bit different than ours.
No, my husband does not always do what I ask. Guess what? I don't always do what he asks either. It's a give and take. I know my husband well and I know what would fly...no TV would not fly.
L.

You posts in the past few days, make me sad for you. You are a stronger woman then me. He has beyond checked out.

Yes, If I ask, my husband will do it. I rarely have to ask.

Some husbands are like some wives. Sometimes they will do what they are asked, but not what they are told. Some husbands love their wives and some wives love their husbands enough they would stop what they are doing to do what their spouses want. But look at the people on this site. How many women tell their husbands, "NO" just because they "don't feel like it". Where's the love? That reminds me of your husband not being willing to give up baseball.

I'm sorry your husband feels so strongly about baseball. To me it is just so many millionaires out having fun. They would change teams for a better contract and do so in the amount of time it takes to sign the better contract so its not like its a "home town" team with home town loyality.

Do what you can on non-baseball game nights. He may eventually have so much fun he gives up watching the millionaires play on his own. Right now he may be doing it for ego, in that he is "proving" he is his own man. Keep trying. Encourage your kids talking about how much fun they are having. Your husband may decide to see what he is missing.

Good luck to you and yours.

My husband really does what I ask, except when he doesn't want to. Does that make sense at all? If something is having a negative affect or its really important to my husband, I try to get on board and work on it, even if it's inconvenient for me. He does not. If it's important to me, but inconvenient for him, theres a 50/50 chance. There are some things that just aren't up for discussion. I think no tv for a week would be one of them! That's why I go the other route and coax him away from it. But if I ask him to do something that doesn't require a whole lot fo sacrifice he usually just goes along, no questions asked. Usually I don't even have to ask directly. I just mention that it needs to be done. I'll say, this weekend I need to get into the kids rooms and clean out toys and reorganize. I'll come home from work that day and the kids rooms are clean and organized. That's one of his decent qualities.