My 9 year old lied to us last night and for a punishment, her daddy told her that she's grounded to her room with no tv for 2 days. I'm gonna back him up on what he told her but it seems a teeny harsh to me. I'm all for a grounding and lying is the worst offense you can have in this house, but to her room for 2 days? Am I being a softy or is this harsh to you too?
She's a good kid, but in the last year or so, she's lied to us at least 4 or 5 times, so we need to nip it in the bud.
Yes, S.H., she blatantly lied. We asked her if she ate all the whipped cream and wouldn't have cared if she just told the truth, but she fessed up and that's why she's grounded.
Thanks ladies. He let her off the hook for the 2nd day if she wrote an essay about why lying is bad. She did and it was really funny. :)
I think that is great! It's only 2 days, it gets the point across, and you know where she is and what she is doing! Good job Dad!
She does need to be grounded i agree. But totally secluded in your room for 2 days doesn't quite fit the crime, especially with her good record. 4-5 times in a year is great, in my opinion.
In her room (especially with destractions in there), she isn't going to learn anything because her feelings will be that of anger and not reflection, and she won't have that follow up and drive to do good when she is feeling like an outcast. Really it's more important to spend family time together than anything.
For problems like this, my parents sent me to my room and made me write an essay on what I did wrong, why I did it and what I should do in the future.
Personnaly, I never thought that sending a kid to their room (where their toys are) is much of a punishment at all. I would make her write something like "I will be honest and truthful to everyone" 100 times. You could spread it over 2 days - 50 times each day. My son is 8 and has been doing this since age 6 - "I will be nice to Rosco" (our cat :) I always try to make the sentence positive EX I will be honest vs I will not tell lies. Any kind of extra chores are always great too.
I've done more for less.
I agree with your DH-it is a good punishment for what you call the worst offense in your house.
You are a softy. and 2 days is nothing. if this this is a repeated offense I'd prob have said a week.
Lying is a serious offense in our house.
Well, most kids have a lot of stuff in their rooms so grounding to their room may not be as bad as it may have been 30 years ago. Sounds like it was his way to insure she doesn't catch some tv when someone else is watching.
Lying always makes it worse so I think he is right on target....she will think twice before she lies again if the punishment is effective. Make sure she understands that the punishment would be less for whatever she did if she hadn't lied about it.
2 days is ok. Our 9 year old does the same thing and she was not allowed to talk on the phone to her school friends for a whole week. DH set that punishment while I was at work. I followed through and she learned a hard lesson. So yes, 2 days is fine and seems like a week. Now DH limits it to two days and not a week. We have to give our kids tough love.
I know you already dealt with this....but NOPE, I do not believe in grounding. I do not think it is an effective way of dealing with kids and their busy lives and it avoids dealing with the real issue.
Check out the answers to this grounding post, especially mine and Peg's:
http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/5861432648941043713
I think it's an appropriate punishment. I have handed out this same punishment to my 8.5 y/o for a similar offense. She was bored silly yet found a way to be productive with her time.
Of course, be sure to follow up with a post punishment debriefing.
Nope. I don't ground or do any sort of takeaway. Instead I discipline by teaching how to do things the right way. If my child lied, I would call her on it and then reinforce that it is "safe" to tell the truth.
My discipline strategy is basically follow through so that the right thing to happen DOES happen.
I hope you all discussed it with her? The reason why it is the utmost 'worse offense' in your home????
And did she lie blatantly?
I just say this because, once, my Husband thought our daughter lied about something... he gave her a harsh scolding. She was crying so hard saying it was not her fault and KEPT repeating that. I took a different tack on it.... on the side, I asked her "WHY" does she keep repeating that it was NOT her fault???? And then, in between her sobs... she said Papa took her the wrong way and she was confused about what her Dad was talking about... she THOUGHT he meant something else... and answered for what she honestly THOUGHT was the answer, at that time. Well my Husband... didn't bother asking her "why" she 'lied' or IF she understood what he even meant.
So... both parties... took each other the wrong way. And my Daughter is NOT one... who 'lies.' She has no track record of lying anyway... so I thought the whole situation... was not read right, by my Husband.
I then had my daughter (along with me there)... Explain to her Dad... what happened... and my Husband listened... and then realized.... he jumped the gun on accusing her.... he was also in an irate mood anyway... with the kids. BUT... he listened to her genuinely... and then he apologized, to her. Then they hugged.
My daughter... then Learned a valuable lesson in all of this...
So, it depends also on the OVERALL behavior... of your 9 year old... and if this is a chronic problem of her lying... or not... and if her behavior is generally good. And this is an aberration. But regardless... you make CLEAR to her.... about your rules.
all the best,
Susan
I never punish my kids. The simple answer is that parenting without punishment raises great kids. When we attend to the needs driving children's behavior and set limits with empathy, we're not only guiding immediate behavior, but also nurturing long-term emotional intelligence. So we're raising children who are more able to manage their own emotions, and therefore their behavior. There's no denying that punishment gets immediate compliance. When humans are threatened with force, they usually comply, right? And even a timeout is a threat of force, because if the child won’t go into timeout, you do have to use force to get them there. Which is one of the problems with punishment -- we have to keep escalating our use of force. Of course, we'd all like our children to just straighten up and do what they’re told. But even adults have a hard time with that. These are kids; their brains are still developing. (In fact, the way we respond to their behavior actually shapes their brain development -- do we help them learn to calm or to escalate crises?) It's a big job for kids of all ages to learn to manage the emotions driving their behavior. Making a big deal out of whipped cream won't improve your relationship. Punishment also teaches a child to fear getting caught, that’s why your child lied to you.
http://www.ahaparenting.com/BlogRetrieve.aspx?PostID=1886...
Here are some parenting tips.
1. Focus on the relationship, not on discipline. You’ll get no respect if she doesn't feel connected to you. 90% of parenting is connection.
http://www.ahaparenting.com/Default.aspx?PageID=1280585&a...
She may not "need" tucking in at night, but that shouldn't stop you from lying down next to her to discuss her day and having a few minutes of quiet connection. I find that time just before bed to be the time my daughter is least distracted by other things, and most willing to open her heart to me.
http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/communication...
Create regular times, at least once a week, when you go together for brunch or a manicure or a walk, and make the most of those opportunities to connect. For ideas on conversations to have with your preteen, check out 100 Family Conversation Starters and the other articles in the "Talking with your kids" section of this website.
http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/communication
2. Emphasize your child. Of course set limits but with empathy such as "You like the cookie, don't you. I know you want the cookie but now it's lunchtime. You can have the cookie later." Or if he asks you to buy ice cream and you don't want to. Instead of saying "no!", say "Not now, I will buy it later." Every flower has roots. Find the root of her behavior. You pay as much attention to emotions as to behavior, because once kids can manage their emotions, they can manage their behavior.
Read these articles.
http://www.ahaparenting.com/Default.aspx?PageID=1934759&a...
http://www.ahaparenting.com/BlogRetrieve.aspx?PostID=1965...
http://www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/why-dont-you...
http://www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/timeouts-whe...
http://www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/toddler-biti...
We found that the child's room is usually the exact place they want to be because all of their favorite things are there! So we decided to ground the kids to the family! We made a list of ways to serve others, such as, cleaning the soap dishes on the tubs, shining shoes etc, and for each day grounded, a good deed and positive behavior had to be done. They had to do what they were asked and had to do what the family did. The unexpected blessing was that the kids actually became friends and we really came to like being together even through the teen years!
My kids are all autistic. I send them to a corner. It helps with the behavior. My sister spanks her kids. So hard that they can't sit. I don't agree with that.
My oldest is six, and I guess it is an okay punishment. However, it is vague to me. I like ot be specific. At my house, it would have been no tv for a week or no barbies for a week. And some chores. Something more like that.
