Do You Feel You Do a Good Job Keeping the House Clean?

I agree with Grandma T! My Mom had to have a hyterectomy last Summer and I stayed with her for a week. My husband stayed home with the kids and had a better appreciation for me when I came back!

As for meals, I ASK him to give me feedback. "Was dinner a 1. Yummy, make this again!, 2. Okay, I'd eat it again, or 3. Please don't make this again."

Go on vacation without him for 2 days and let him see what a disaster the house becomes. Then he'll realize what you do all day!

It's such a hard balance. I get a big F at keeping my house up. I don't try hard enough, especially with Dh away, but like you said, it's clean up, mess up, repeat. Some days I just can't bring myself to do it again. The house is always messy, but not dirty, if that makes sense. I have a husband, who, when he is home, doesn't ride me about keeping a clean house because, frankly, he's even messier than the kids (and it drives me crazy)! I don't know what I would do if he was messy AND anal about it!

Sounds like you (both of you) need to develop the "Attitude of Gratitude". You should tell him "thank you" or "Hey, I like what you did" or "I really appreciate you're going to work today to provide for our family. I know you really didn't want to go today."

Even a stopped watch is right twice a day. Try and find at least two things each week to thank him for or praise him for. (Thanks for carrying out the trash. Thanks for putting your shirt n the dirty clothes. Thanks for mowing the lawn. ETC.)

After you have done this consistantly for a month, if he hasn't caught on, ask him if he appreciated that you "........" (washed clothes, cooked dinner, mopped the floor, scratched his back, etc. Choose something you would have really liked him to notice.) Then tell him it would be nice for him to say, "Thank you."

On the problem with Morgan's mom . . . Several ways to handle it. First, if you need a little extra money, tell Morgan's mom that you are going to do some occasional day care/babysitting to earn extra money for (you choose). If she wants to drop Morgan off for a day it will be $XX.xx. (You should have already called around to day care providers to find out what their one-day or holiday rate is.) Then name your price. Second, e-mail Morgan's mom and tell her school is going to be out and you'd like her to watch your child when she would ordinarily ask you to do the same. Third, when Morgan's mom e-mails you to watch Morgan, either graciously accept or tell her no or no, you already have something planned. Your choice. Fourth. Call Morgan's mom and tell her you want to surprise your husband with a week end away for just the two of you and you'll watch Morgan for the next four holidays if she will watch your child for some four-day weekend. If Morgan's mom says she's working, tell her that's ok, she can take vacation.

And be sugar sweet about it.

Good luck to you and yours.

.

you should find a reason to take a weekend off and leave him home with the kids and see how he fares without you? That usually is an eye opener for them. They just dont know what we do. WE KNOW THO.
I'm sure you are doing an awesome job, it ISNT easy!!

Hi,

Talk to him about it, but do it when he is not busy or in a bad mood or when the kids would distract. I would say he loves you because he is still with you, so let him know what you do because you love him and your family and just need to hear what a good job you do every once in a while. I would also ask him to help you out. If possible, get away with friends for a weekend (or better yet during the week) and he will be responsible for taking care of the kids and house. Maybe then he will understand what you do for your family.

My thoughts are with you!

You need to let him see what it is like to be home all day doing it all. Take a weekend and go somewhere. Leave everything - don't cook ahead, don't clean, don't make arrangements for the children... just go.
Let him figure it out.
Leave on Friday and return on Sunday after dinner. He will be most appreciative of you after that weekend.
When you return, you can ask him why the laundry isn't done and the dishes are in the sink and why he didn't vacuum. You can do it with a lot of humor, but he'll get it.
As for not having someone over all day - Don't do it. Stand up for yourself. He figures you're home and that one more kid is no big deal. He is WRONG!!! As a matter of fact, you might have that kid over for the whole day while you are away. :-)
Find a girlfriend and go shopping for the weekend. Let him figure it all out...
YMMV
LBC

Well, you are also being taken advantage of by your husband. You need to have a SERIOUS heart to heart with him-tell him everything that you just told us. Don't be confrontational or whiney-be firm and matter of fact. Tell him that you cannot live like this. It is obvious that he resents you for being at home.

Everyone already suggested the take a weekend off (or stop doing all the things you do at home). This can work in certain situations, maybe yours...maybe not, only you know how your husband would respond to it.

I was going to make another suggestion, didn't read all responses so maybe it was already said...I know I can keep going longer keeping it all together when I am having my "love language" met. (There is a great book called "The Five Love Languages" ).

It sounds like one of your love languages is the same as mine...it is called "words of affirmation". I HAVE to have my husband tell me that he is so glad dinner is on the table and if he enjoyed it...I NEED to hear him say it was a delicious meal. (Now occasionally I will make a dinner that bombs...but we laugh and he tells me I still have a 90+% success rate in the kitchen, and without a few mistakes how can the really good ones be fully enjoyed). I HAVE to hear from him that I did a good job straightening the house before he got home...or a thank you so much for getting all my work shirts washed and hung in the closet...without those verbal praises, I start to hate doing all those things. I start to resent him for not telling me that I am doing a great job.

Now my husband's love language is different...his is "acts of service" when people do things for him he feels loved. But he just doesn't need to hear about how wonderful he is and thank yous for doing things.

So for years he was doing things for me that drove me nuts...like cleaning floors I already cleaned, organizing drawers, taking my car to be washed...things that either drove me crazy or I could care less about (who cares if my car is washed...you want to help me bathe the kids).

He was showing me love by doing things for me, but it didn't make me feel loved I needed to be told how well I was doing. I was telling him how great he was (great provider, wonderful father, etc)...but was really dropping the ball on doing things around the house that made him feel loved (a hot dinner cooked every night, clean shirts in the closet, a straightened house when he walked in the door).

I read the book and realized how I wasn't meeting his love language and he wasn't meeting mine. So, it took us a while to work it out that I needed to give him acts of service and he needed to give me words of affirmation. It really helped that as I read the book I talked with him about it and we laughed about how we were coming from opposite sides. I needed him to "do" less and speak more and I needed to "do" more and "speak" less.

It has taken us a while to work out a lot of our issues, but it is so worth it when you finally start meeting each others way of receiving love. That way we feel loved and it makes the tough days easier...when all you seem to do all day is cook and clean...the never ending dishes, the butts to be wiped...the never ending cycle of cleaning.

Another thing that helped us was hiring a cleaning lady to come in twice a month. No matter how hard I cleaned it just wasn't clean enough for him. Now our cleaning woman cleans, clean enough for him and all I have to do is maintain her super clean until she come again. Maintaining is so much easier than deep cleaning to the extent my husband desired. (We gave up cable tv to afford her...it was that important to him).

Sending you a great big HUG!! This marriage thing can be difficult...but these issues can be overcome, if you both are willing to work at them.

If he doesn't like it, tell him he can hire a house cleaner once a week :) You'll get a few extra hours a week for all the other stuff you do, and once a week, you will walk into a perfectly clean house top to bottom. You still have to do all the day to day picking up, but this really helps.

I was actually laughing when I read the heading because my answer is "NOOOOO!" I try ,but cleaning is just not a talent I possess and although i honestly enjoy a clean house, getting it cleaned is another story. That said, my hubby does will not say anything but does give me kudos on the times
that our pigpen is halfway decent, I guess it is more because he knows it thrills me to get to that occasional point and the acknowledgment is icing on the cake for me.

For the rest of your post, I strong live by the adage, "only gamble what your willing to loose." For me it applies in all relationships. This way, you won't feel like you are being used or taken advantage of.

I am guessing your husband works full time and you are a stay at home mom. Am I right?

Usually, people who work full time have "work" time and "off/home" time. They do not understand the concept of never having time off. Yes, you have some "down time", but you are always on. You never have a time when you are free from responsibility.

So take some time for you when you know your husband will be the one that is responsible for everything in the house. Leave a list with him of all the things you do and/or need to be done while you are gone. Leave a schedule with him of what times things need to be done and/or are normally done so the house can run smoothly. If possible, enlist the help of a friend to make sure that he does it all by himself.

If that is not a possibility, then take a week and just don't do the things you normally do. Talk with your husband beforehand and say that he does not seem satisfied with the job you are doing, so you will no longer be doing it. He needs to find someone who can meet his standards. Maybe hire a maid? But for that week, DO NOT CAVE! Do not make meals for him. (For you and the kids, yes, because you need to eat and so do they. I'm guessing that your kids say thank you. But for your husband, no.) Do not do dishes or put things away. Do as little as you possibly can. If you can get out during the day, do it! That way your husband can't say, "Oh, you were home, you should have..."

I do this every now and again with my family. It really works. (My husband also does it with me. Trust me. IT WORKS!) We come to appreciate the other and are thankful for all they do.

I'm not that great at it, but I've gotten better over the years. Luckily my husband never complains and that is something I truly love about him.

Whenever I make a meal he ALWAYS says "thanks for dinner honey." It is so sweet.

I'm praying that your husband softens his heart a bit so he can see and appreciate the beautiful gem that he has in you. I really appreciate how you still try to please him, i.e., that your heart is still "in the game."

Good luck and hang in there.

This is such a difficult situation. I first have to say both my husband and I work oustide of the home and that comment aobut "off/home time" is a falacy. I hit the ground running at 4:30 am and don't stop until 10pm at night - neither does my husband.
I would sit down and really try to understand what it is your husband wants/expects. I had this round and round with my husband and came to find out that the reason he felt house was "messy' was becuase there were dishes in the sink -?!- Easy fix and it has been a peacful three years since I just asked.
ALSO, men are wired differently. They are not going to say "thank you" for doing your job. Yes, if you are a stay at home mommy (I have been for bursts of time too) that is your job to prepare nad keep the house. (read the passsage in the bible about the virtuous woman Prov. 31:10) it is what we do. Now, I too like to be thanked, so guess what I do? I call attention to what I did do. "Look honey, four weeks and no dishes in the sink! We are doing a great job. What next?"
Also the concept of "going on strike" is just crazy. Guess who will end up cleaning it in the end. . . you guessed it YOU. LOL!
Hang in there and it could be worth time to learn better ways to communicate and uderstand what you both expect from the relationship in terms of give and take. Maybe a pastor or marriage counselor can help open the lines of effective communication.
Hope this gave you some alternate thoughts on how to handle the hubby situation. good luck.

it might be time to go on strike! let him see how things snowball if you weren't doing everything you do. i'm sorry you live with such an ingrate. i don't think i could do it.
my husband, who works full-time, is much neater than i. so i try to push myself past my comfort level to clean more than i'm naturally inclined to do so that he doesn't feel compelled to spend his precious free time doing it, and he pushes himself to be a bit relaxed about the dust-bunnies that i don't even notice.
i hope your resolve not to be a doormat extends to your husband.
khairete
S.

He knows darn well all you do. He will never acknowlege it b/c he wants to get as much out of you as he can so he doesn't have to do it! Get rid of the silly desire to impress! Nothing will ever be good enough. If he were married to Martha Stewart, he'd still act unimpressed. Put yourself first and ignore the rest! I'm not trying to sound harsh, I'm completely on your side. But that is my take on the situation. I hope it helps.

I would tell him how you feel, that you work very hard and would like some appreciation. Have you heard of the Five Love Languages? It is a great book. Sounds like your language might be to hear affirming words. I know my hubs will not say anything about the house and then once I get it all cleaned up he will start commenting about the baseboards etc!! I told him to hire a maid :D It was all in jest, but I did let him know that when I am working hard I don't really like to hear any criticism, I need encouragement bc there is so much work and if in the throws of all that needs to be done he pours water on my efforts it makes me want to give up!! So maybe let him know that the way he is trying to help is wearing you down and ask if he could think of ways to be encouraging and if he could remember to say thanks etc. He probably does have your back but is just blunting thinking out load, a very man quality. You sound like an awesome wife, taking his suggestions, wanting to work hard. The only area you might have to toughen up in is speaking your mind a little more. Like when he says you could have the friend over all day say "Um, no if I wanted another kid to raise I would have had one!!" Then chuckle, it sends the message!! Or just tell him straight up that a little support for your decision would have been nice!! A few times when my darling has come home and asked what's for dinner and then not seemed to happy about what was being made I said "Oh your welcome honey!! It is such a treat to cook a hot meal while trying to clean and having the children under foot, thank you so much for that opportunity!!" I know, a bit sassy!!!! But hey, it got the message across, I have loving told him when he gets home I just want him to come in, love on us, sit down, shut up and eat!!!!!! LOL...kind of ;) I do try to make stuff he likes, but I don't care about praise anymore, just eat it!!! Anyway, maybe just speak up a little more so this stuff doesn't pile up and turn into a nasty fight but keep doing the great job you are, I think he does appreciate it he is just a gruff man!!!

He's a jerk. Why is the condition of the house your problem? If he floor isn't clean enough for him, he can pick up a mop or broom. Why is your home set up that you are in charge of all the cleaning and he gets to criticize? Stop looking for his approval and when he criticizes, tell him off. I dont' know what else to say. My husband would never dare comment on the condition of the house, he is just as responsible for it as I am. If something's dirty, he's just as capable of cleaning it as I am.
Don't let a man speak down to you as if you were beneath him. He is not your father or your employer, you are not a naughty little girl. Married adults treat one another with respect
Good luck

Let him do the housework and supervise play dates.

I hope not to sound mean but husbands like these really bug me. I know you love him and that is great. But please tell your husband to go find a hobby and stop worrying so much about what you are not doing around the house and appreciate the things that you are doing! Don't let him get to you. You are doing great! :)

Hi C.,
I know how you feel, really I do. My husband really doesn't ever comment on the stuff I do do because he says he doesn't notice. What he does comment on is the stuff I don't do. Unfortunately, I see his reasoning behind it, basically he comes in the door and doesn't notice that I vacuumed and mopped and dusted and washed the windows all day, he just notices a sink full of dishes and a huge pile of laundry that I didn't get to yet. He's never mean or harsh about it, he would just say something like "Do you want me to do the dishes, or I'm going to go do a load of laundry." This would make me feel really inadequate. Here he just got done a 13 hour shift and is coming home to help me with "chores." So, I told him, I don't want you to do this stuff unless I ask you to.
Lately I've noticed he will come home and tell me the house looks good and ask what smells so good. Sometimes he will just do some work without me asking but he does it without comment and that makes me feel better.
So, I'm not defending your husbands actions or comments but I understand why he might not notice a mopped floor or clean windows or fresh sheets, but notices what is not done. Just ask him not to comment on it and know that it will get done when you get to it. If he wants to chip in and help, by all means go right ahead but do it without complaining, otherwise don't.
Good luck!

My advice? Tell him that you will let him do all that you do for a week. Let him feel it. And then, let him. Don't pick up. Don't clean. Don't cook. In the meantime, take on some of his usual household jobs. He is perfectly capable of working and doing all that - many working moms do it. I'm a single working mom - and I get it all done. It might not be beautiful, but it's done. But he needs to know how hard it is. If he does something around the house in that week, don't acknowledge it. Just eat the dinner. Just let the kids go to school unwashed. (You might need to let the teacher know that you're doing a household experiment so s/he doesn't worry.)

After a week, when you start again, I would bet he'll be more appreciative.

Hi C.,
I saw this yesterday and I did not get a chance to reply till today. After you try the heart to heart and go away for the weekend and it doesn't work (because it won't) Try flying off the handle. One fall I had been raking leaves every day for two weeks and my husband had the nerve to look at the kitchen floor and make a comment about rats moving in soon. I went berzerk on him. I yelled "do you see that pile of leaves out front?!!! They did not rake themselves!!! If you see something in the house that needs doing pick up the (insert expletive here) mop, broom or sponge and freaking clean it and keep you darn mouth shut!!!! You live here, you help make the mess...SO YOU CLEAN TOO!!! Off course this helps for awhile, but my husband needs reminders every now and then, but I go off on him every time which is not too often, but it is the only way to get him to shut up sometimes. Another time he commented on the microwave, as if he never uses it. I actually had to go postal on him for that one too..."HELLOOOO...YOU AND I ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE IN THIS HOUSE USING IT...IF YOU THINK ITS DIRTY....THEN PICK UP THE SPONGE AND CLEAN IT!!!!!"

This last one I will give you, I did about four years ago when he said that I don't do anything around here. I decided to not do anything. I took care of the kids' needs. They had food to eat and clean clothes. But I did not wash a single dish after using it or pick up anything lying around the house. After three days every dish, pot and pan was dirty, laying in the sink and all over the counters. After everything was dirty I would wash only what I needed to use that moment...the pot to cook the dinner and plates to eat it in. But I would not wash it after I was done. Every night I would go upstairs to my room and watch TV and leave him in the pigsty. Eventually he cleaned everything up. It took him hours, and he never said that I don't do anything around here again. For me going away and leaving him to do everything will only hurt the kids, because I know he is incapable, and they will suffer. So this was my way of "going away". My kids still had their needs met and don't have any horrible memory of mom being away. My husband still needs me to fly off on him every now and then because he forgets what a "wrong" remark will do. He will never change, so I have to put him in his place and I feel good afterwards. I also pray a lot so I have my own peace because of it. My husband's inconsiderate ways is my cross to bear, and it is not too heavy of a cross for me. As long as I can yell at him sometimes to remind him who the real boss is around here...(the kids LOL)