Do You Ever Get Frustrated?

Sometimes, the question that's asked...isn't the question that needs to be answered.

I think it's better when people care. Sometimes, that takes their answers to a place you wouldn't expect or ask.

I don't know, sometimes it can be funny, like when someone asks a question as simple as "is this considered cheating" regarding an online game and gets a response about how much the responder hates Obama. :)

My windows are very dirty. I can hardly see the black and white cow driving the shiny red Corvette. Can you tell me how to clean my windows?

Hi V.,

Earlier today, a mom on here got upset and bawled the ladies out because she felt they were less than gracious about her earlier question. She said that answers were rude. She had written several questions about her kids hurting their heads and one mom mentioned her many questions about the kids hitting their heads and to keep an eye on the last one whose head got bonked. She took exception to this so she let everyone have it in a different thread, which MP actually pulled. On that pulled thread, many people reminded her that when she talks about something, she can't expect people to not remark about what they think, even if it doesn't answer the actual question. I told her that sometimes we actually learn a lot from hearing ancillary points being brought up.

Your question here isn't like hers - you aren't bawling anyone out. :) But I think that you are probably thinking about the many remarks on your thread from earlier about your bad day and the car. When you were talking about your car, you talked about wanting to pay your husband back for the car repair bill. A lot of the posters were shocked that you look at finances the way you do. They remarked about it because to them, it was a lot more important than the flat tire. This is one of the ancillary points I mentioned. Instead of feeling frustrated about their feelings, you might consider that a lot of these women have been around the block for a good amount of time and have experience born of pain, and are trying to help you by telling you these things. Some have suffered from ex-husbands leaving them with nothing, having to struggle to make ends meet because they trusted a man who abandoned them physically, emotionally and financially. Some have husbands who are terribly stingy with them, using money to control them. Many of them are SAHM's who don't make money working. They are wondering if you feel like you have no worth to your marriage if you don't "make a living". V., you are a mom and you have a baby on the way. That in and of itself is a big job and worthy of you being taken care of by a primary breadwinner in the home, who in your situation, is your husband. They are looking at you as a pregnant mom with a child who works multiple jobs, takes care of her son while she works, saving your family childcare expenses, and they are wondering why you see yourself as responsible for bills that are those of the family's. If this were a massage or a pedicure bill, it would be one thing. But it's a car that allows you to work and bring home money for the family. They don't understand why you look at finances this way. They are actually trying to help you.

They feel that money should not have to be equal in a marriage in order for people to respect themselves or each other and they are worried that you don't respect yourself as part of a working couple because your husband makes so much more money than you.

The upshot here is that the car problems seem to the posters who are worried about you to be the tip of the iceberg and they really felt the need to talk to you about it. That's the way this site actually works, to be honest.

Yes! I can get frustrated! I think we all do.

The problem is? You put something in your post that is NOT normal (at least not to those that answered, it appears!)

I realize that people handle money differently - but really? OH MY WORD!! yeah - that can "distract" people from the original intent of your question and people will say something. Don't tell me you have NEVER seen something in a post that just caught your attention and it had NOTHING to do with the question? That's how those who answered your question today saw it. Your question was answered. People told you about their day.

They just got VERY distracted with your "I have to pay my husband back" sentence...I don't think that flew over or UNDER ANYONE'S radar. Sorry. I don't get it. You may be frustrated. However, it appears that everyone that answered your question was frustrated that you COULD NOT SEE IT WAS/IS NOT NORMAL, at least not for those that answered.

Hope that helps!

That's why I didn't answer your previous question. I felt like a big part of the "problem" was the way you 1) feel about your self and your worth in the marriage based on how much money you make and 2) the (to me) ineffective way you manage your household expenses.
But I knew you would be defensive, and voila, I was right!
So YES, I get frustrated a LOT on this site because I've been a happily married, financially secure woman for over twenty years so I feel my advice is VALUABLE, but so many of you younger gals just don't want to hear it.
<sigh> It's like with my kids, they always think they know better, and sometimes they've just gotta learn the hard way.

I try to not put things in a question that are distracting and alarming, or if there is something that's important to framing the question but isn't the issue and not something I want feedback on, I'll come out and say it. Sometimes there are things when I ask a question about my SD's mother, or my husband, or my son's birth father where there are a lot of issues at play but I'll try to anticipate the obvious "whoa, what?" parts and dispense with them.

FWIW, the thing you're talking about in your past question today absolutely floored me. I have never, ever heard someone frame their marital finances the way you do. Your SWH dispensed with the need for any feedback on it so I'm not going to give my 2 cents but when you write, you should be aware that something like that is like dropping a bomb in a conversation. People are going to call you out on things that are shocking.

I think when something comes out of left field for the reader, their focus of attention will shift to that thing. It's like a shiny object, sticking out at them. What is it? Why is it that way?

I'm going to assume that you were referring to your last post, which I did check up on because questions like this don't usually come out of the ether.

Sometimes it's important in a post to NOT introduce an idea that may be rather unconventional to most or which might throw people off IF that post is not specifically about that topic.

I hope you know I mean this with respect and regard for your individual choice. Had you relayed your story without that one tidbit, I think people would have gotten the gist of what you were saying-- that your week has been really, disgustingly hard. And if YOU are okay with your arrangement, then that's your business, but don't be surprised if people who aren't familiar with it do question it. I suppose I could be accused right now of doing what you just suggested, but anyway, I think that's what stands out to me-- if there's anything you don't want commented on, don't include it.

Well, there was a bit if a pile on with your last question.
I have always found your answers to be mature, insightful and indicative of a smart young lady with a good head in her shoulders.
But the "his & my" money only will go so far. As you know, marriage is working together, as a team, moving forward in life, overcoming obstacles. Like a bad tire.
When we got married, my husband & I were basically equal earners. I had always "Done it myself" since after college ( through a LOT of college). When we had our son, and I changed to PT status, the income balance really shifted. I found it hard sometimes to ask for what I needed.
It took a while to adjust to that. To REALLY "get" that my husband was the major provider, and he didn't begrudge me a thing. He supported changing my life to benefit the family more than the bank.
Point is-who knows how things may change for your family over the years? Your photography biz may explode and sudden, he might need money for a tire. Would you seriously expect him to pay you back?
The tire is a MAJOR expense for you. Him? Not so much.
As women especially, we need to acknowledge that many times money=power in a relationship. It can get wonky, then wonky becomes normal.
A smart young woman such as yourself should see the need for a FAMILY emergency fund. Then this would be a non issue.
And yes--making 5 times what you make? He needs to fund it. That's what the primary provider does. Provides, not lends.
So, I can speak only for my own answer--not mean, or nasty. Truly. Just experience from someone who has seen several earning shifts over the last 30 years. Take it for what it's worth.

I figure whatever I include (or omit) from my posts is fair game for examination/discussion of the issue. What I see to be the problem might not be the root of the problem, and there have been a few times the ladies (and gents) on here have brought something out that I didn't even realize was a contributing factor.

ETA: I am not sure where people are seeing that your husband demanded, or even asked for you to pay him back for this. You didn't say that at all. If I am understanding this correctly, you have a mutual understanding that you'll pay him back for things he covers "for you." I still don't agree with that arrangement, but it doesn't seem to be forced upon you. In any case, I still wouldn't feel like I had to have that kind of arrangement with my hubby, despite the fact that he earns well over 20x what I do (and again, my income is only derived from the investment income we get from HIS bonus money being used to purchase income properties.)

Often times we look in the wrong place for a solution to what's bothering us. Sometimes we fail to see the answer or even the problem itself right before our eyes until someone else points it out.

When you vented about your money troubles many people (including myself) pointed out that the answer to your problem is laying right next to you in bed every night. If you don't want to take the advice that's fine but you can't fault others for pointing out the obvious solution to your vent about finances. You asked one sort of trivial question but your post dripped with frustration about a chronic, serious issue in your life.

I've found that hearing what others REALLY think forces me to evaluate decisions I thought were set in stone. When people answer a question different from the one I ask but still relevent to the problem I often see that the question I asked was not really the one I was seeking an answer to. One thing I know to be true is a great life is constantly evolving. Knowledge and perspective is power, whether it's information I solicited or not.

I understand your frustration but your other post hit a nerve. I guess you should have just said, "I had a crappy day. How was yours?"

Hope you have a good weekend!

I use to get frustrated but then I decided it wasn't worth it. It's the nature of reading, and a lot of people truly suck at it.

It is frustrating, though I'm sure I've done it too. Sometimes I will get so involved in typing my response, and get off on a tangent - then I will go back and try to re-focus my answer. :P

When I read and responded to your post yesterday, I could not get past the having to pay your husband back statement. That seemed to be the crux of your problem. It is what you wrote most about.

If you do not want people to know about your odd financial situation, then do not include it in your question or post. How could not think people were not going to respond to the details you included about finances. To me, you were screaming for financial help.

I agree with Momof3, you can tell everyone until the cows come how that you are "fine" with this arrangements, like her, I do not believe you are happy with it.

No. Sounds like you do. Either ask your questions in one sentence or less, like Twitter, and be as specific as possible, or learn to be more flexible and open no matter the outcome.

Naw...I take what I want and leave the rest. That is how I deal with people in person...or hiding behind a screen. Sometimes people have a strong need to give more info or advice than you asked for.

***I just went to check the post that was getting you frustrated. Funny thing is...I didn't give you my two cents because my answer wouldn't have been directed at your question. I think I would have fallen in step with some of the other posters..that got you frustrated. I could see you were just wanting to vent and didn't need me to fix anything.

Oh whatever, some days I am more frustrated than others.
And I am PMS'ing... so don't count me in for being all patient.

Anyway, this is a forum.
People of all types answer these posts.
All kinds of responses.
People are all different.
Some pay attention, some don't, reading & answering a post can be interpreted in many ways I guess.
We've all had this happen to us.
I am sure.
Some days you just gotta say 'whatever.'

You are not alone! Sometimes the answers people give are just so judge mental. I love what Galwaygirl said! So true!

Some people just skim and pick out a detail here or there, not really bothering to read. I guess you should just be happy no one said, "You put your child in a car? Was he in a carseat? Did you belt him in properly? I hope he ate breakfast before you put him in the car. Did he get enough sleep? You know, you really should make sure you have an education fund for him. College is getting more expensive everyday. And don't forget sunscreen and bugspray."

Try to just shake your head and not worry about it. Some people need to just live and let live.

Take what you need and leave the rest....more for your money!!

Oh, I hear ya! It can be very frustrating! I can understand someone noticing something in a post that they don't agree with or think could be helpful to point out, but I was really surprised by the number of people who said they don't agree with the way you handle money and completely ignored everything else.

You were having a bad day for several reasons. You were just looking for a little sympathy. Your financial arrangement with your husband has nothing to do with the fact that you lost a day of work, your son drove you crazy and your car needs more work that you were expecting. Who would want that day! Not me!

I really do feel your pain. It seems lately like people are out to prove that they are smarter, calmer and better parents, spouses, co-workers or whatever than the person who posted a question. Lately it feels like too many people want to prove that they are the best and have all the answers. Some of us are just looking for honest help or empathy. We're not asking people to create problems for us that don't exist and then tell us why those problems are our fault!

Hope things get better tomorrow!

V., I have learned to keep my question very simple. Otherwise, the bully mamas go into your past posts, talk about those and avoid the question.

Ya they do that all the time see they do it here just know that their lives blow and thats why

Lol, it's not just you.