Hi Moms!
I am friends with a mom who has a little one just about 4 months older than my 4 year old daughter. The mom and I have nothing in common really, but she's a nice person and we enjoy catching up from time to time. We've been having play dates periodically since our little ones were about 2 and they've never really clicked. Her little one has always had a problem with sharing and as the girls have aged, my little one has gotten more and more frustrated with that. But it's not just that, it's like they just repel one another for some reason.
Usually, we'll have play dates with them at some location where the girls can run around. Like the park or a gymnastics center or something. But when we go to these places, our girls take off in separate directions like it doesn't even occur to them to play together. My daughter has many other friends her age whom she plays beautifully with, so I don't think it's just that they're independent players.
A heard from this mom friend two weeks ago and she said her daughter was missing mine and asked if they could come over to our house for a play date. We scheduled something for last Friday and they came over in the morning. The girls were ok together for a while, but then my friend's little girl just wouldn't share the toys and activities with my daughter (and they were my daughter's toys!) At some point, after asking the other little girl to share over and over again, my daughter just looked at me exasperated and said, "Mommy? Can they go home now, please?"
By then, they had been playing for about an hour and I guess they were just sick of each other. We changed rooms and activities, but my daughter just seemed like she was done with the whole thing. The other little girl kept saying "Come on! Let's go play in your room!" and my daughter would say, "No, that's ok, I just want some alone time..." I have NEVER heard my daughter say that sort of thing when she has friends over to play. I think she was just done.
They stayed for about another 15 minutes but the girls butted heads the whole time, so they just left. And I was left wondering what I should do. My first thought was, "well, I guess she doesn't have to like everyone." But then my second thought was that this could be a learning experience on how to still treat people nicely even if you don't enjoy their company. She's entitled to like whomever she likes, but she needs to be kind to everyone. I just don't know if a 4 year old has the capacity to use that kind of problem solving. AND, I don't want to teach her to lie by telling her that she needs to say sweet things to people even though she means the opposite, like saying, "it was fun playing today. Thanks for coming over." When she'd rather say, "Go home!"
What do you think? Should I put her in situations like this purposely so she learns how to behave? Or should I let her decide who she wants to be with and understand that she doesn't have to like everyone. This mom and child are nice people, but as I said, we don't have anything in common. I'm guessing if I were made to play with the mom when we were both kids, we wouldn't have such a great time either. My daughter's currently in preschool with 24 other children a couple days a week and her teachers say she's very respectful and kind to the people around her. If she doesn't like a child, she just chooses someone else to play with.
Thanks!
Hilary
My son's school tells them they all need to be friends. I personally think that is silly. I tell him we must be polite and friendly to all people, but we do NOT need to be friends with everyone.
Been in the same place. I did not make my child play with the other child he did not get along with. Time to time when we did see the family my Son was polite and respectful. This was important to teach him. I want him to be honest, not fake, but kind and respectful to all.
I think she already knows how to behave. It sounds to me like she was very polite and kind.
NO, I don't think you should continue to make them play. Be honest with the other parent and let her know that your daughter does not enjoy playing with the other girl, and you aren't going to force the issue.
As adults, we don't spend our free time with people we don't like. Why would you make your child do so?
I agree that she needs to play nicely whether she likes someone or not, but I think you've given this one your best shot and they just are not going to be friends. If you still want to meet up with the mom once in awhile, meet for coffee while the kids are in school or in the evening when your husband's are home to care for them. I don't think it's worth forcing your daughter to play with her.
As for what to say when she leaves, she can just say "thank you for coming over!" in a cheery voice. She doesn't have to say she had fun. : )
first off, what a thoughtful, awesome mom you are.
i do think it's important for children to learn how to get along with folks they don't click with. but we don't do that by forcing them to be *friendly* (we don't like to do that either, do we?)
is it possible to be courteously honest with the other mom? 'our girls are going through a blah patch with each other, aren't they? shall we just plan to grab some coffee when the dads are on duty? or shall we just meet in the park so the girls can run wild and play with each other or not as they choose?'
clearly an outside choice is better for now. in someone's house they're more apt to feel foisted on each other.
if that degree of honesty is more blunt than feels comfortable i'd just keep it simple and restrict play dates to parks, and keep them short, an hour at most.
i REALLY love how you're not 'teaching' your daughter the little white lies that are so prevalent. it IS possible and desirable to be honest and kind. since you're already walking that walk, i'd just demonstrate for your lovely girl how to follow mom's lead.
khairete
S.
I have almost the exact same scenario with my 4yr old. I totally understand, and it's hard for you too because you have to basically set up playdates or 'break-up' with this other mom who is a nice person but not someone with whom you have common interests. It is such a tough situation.
I think part of growing up and learning to socialize is also letting them learn who they want to befriend. Sure, there are people that we have to interact with and be nice to, even when we don't feel like that. She has 24 kids in her class at school; a few of them probably already fall into the category of kids that she has to be nice to even though she doesn't really like them. We don't all have to invte people that we don't like into our homes or out socially; we get to choose those people. I tend to think that we shouldn't force our kids to hang out socially with kids they really don't like...would you really want to do that to build your own character? I wouldn't. Kids don't have to want to play with all other kids; they just have to be kind to other kids who they are not interacting with socially.
There is no reason to force a child to spend time with other kids she doesn't like if it's not absolutely necessary.
I don't believe in forcing children to play with kids they don't like. I DO believe in teaching them good manners and how to handle situations where they may have to spend some time with kids they don't like (that's an important life skill), but one on one playdates? Nahhhh.
It IS important to teach your kids to be courteous, especially to guests in your home. It's okay (and at 4 she should get it) to tell her, "Hey, I know you don't really like playing with Susie, so when you're in a situation with someone you don't like, once in awhile you have to pretend a little. Don't be mean to that person, and use your manners when saying "bye" -but we'll try not to have her over again." Seriously -this happens to all of us all of our lives, and you have to learn to "lie" or be gracious when you have to and avoid some people as much as possible. There are several people at work I would love to tell to get out of my face and shove it, but I have to be nice! You're not teaching your daughter to lie, you're just teaching her one of the fundamental ways this world works.
In the future, if you feel the need to catch up with the mom, why don't you suggest meeting the mom for dinner or a drink or pedicure or something occasionally? That takes the kids out of the picture and provides both of you with some adult time! The way this sounds -it's not much fun for anyone with the bickering, running interference, etc.
I would stick to playdates at the park/gym etc so the girls can be "together", but do their own thing. It is important to get along with people, but you cannot make a kid like every kid she meets. My oldest is 7 and I have always told her that she does not have to be friends with everyone, but she does have to be friendly with everyone. As a corollary of that, I have asked her not to say "mean" things about people (not that she has many to say anyways) unless it is just the two of us. Sometimes she tells me things she doesn't like about people she meets, but we talk about how she shouldn't say that around the person because it would hurt their feelings.
I don't think you have to purposely put her in these social situations; however, if you get together with the mom for one reason or another she should know to be "friendly" to the other girl.
Of course children should learn to get along with everyone but making her hang out with this girl isn't teaching her to get along. It is teaching her to bury her feelings and act like she is friends with her.
Not a good lesson in my opinion.
You yourself said the mom is nice but not someone you have much in common with, doesn't seem like a huge leap to assume the girls have the same issues. Don't make her do it. She should be polite to the girl but she should not have to be friends with her.
I would listen to your DD. It's obvious she doesn't like playing with this little girl. And it is understandable. Doesn't her Mom notice the dynamic? Personally, I think it was a little rude of her Mom to call and ask for a playdate at YOUR house. If her DD wanted to see yours, she should have invited you to HER house. Anyway, I wouldn't initiate any more get togethers. If the Mom asks you again (and maybe she won't after what just happened), you can politely decline because the girls don't seem to be getting along. Your DD is old enough now, she should have say in her playdates rather than just have them scheduled first and her told about them after the fact. Instead of accepting or scheduling right away, tell the Moms you'll talk to your DD and call them back. Then ask your DD if she wants a playdate with that child. It is OK if she says no. It is OK to call back the other Mom and say "I'm sorry, Sara's not feeling up to a playdate right now, I hope you can find another girl to come."
I think the questino should be do you want to put yourself through that? =) I'd give it a few months before playing. Your friends girl should get a lot better at sharing in her 4th year, in the meantime teach your daughter to speak up and tell her she's not going to play if she doesn't share.
Aside from anything you do/don't do in your post. The first question that comes to my mind would be is that other child's behavior being addressed by her mother?
If we were at a playdate in someone esle's home I would damn well make sure my child was sharing toys, especially if they didn't even belong to her in the first place!
If your friend is not making her child share and take turns I wouldn't be having them over anymore. If you still like meeting up with this mom, then neutral places to meet. Like McDonalds playland, or the park. I wouldn't be hosting in your home anymore.
I wouldn't force my child to play with someone that she doesn't want to.
If you want to spend time with the mom then I think your child should go along. My children are 6 and 9 and I wish I had said "sometimes it IS about ME" more often.
I tell my girls that they get to choose who they play with at recess but that if someone asks them to play then they should.
There are too many inconsiderate, mean kids out there and the kids and parents don't even realize it. I think we need to teach our children kindness and compassion and that it isn't always all about them. In my house it's 95% about them so they can step it up the other 5% of the time.
As I have worked with my girls on this I have realized that I am not always nice or compassionate and I need to work on it too. It is not something a four year old can master but it is something that we can all work towards.
I had a similar issue... My son didn't really like playing with this other boy (I worked out with the boys mom sometimes, but besides that we didn't have anything in common)... The kids played about 5-6 times, and her son was rough.. My son always said " I don't want to go play with Josh, he's too rough".. A few times I forced him, but after that I gave up....
I think my son is at the age now, (5.5) that he knows if he likes someone or not... THANKFULLY, I don't work out at the same gym anymore, so it doesn't have to even feel awkward...
If you don't "see" the mom often, you can just drift away.. It happens~
:)
Eh, it sounds like the whole thing was forced to begin with, not only for the kids, but for the moms as well. Sometimes these things just run their course, and that's okay. I wouldn't force my daughter to play with someone. Would you want to be forced to socialize with someone you didn't care for?
IF the mom was using this time to work with her child on sharing then I would say it would be worthwhile to get them together so they could both learn something.
BUT, it sounds like that is not happening or going to happen. I would not force play dates again.
I would put a stop to it. They play for about an hour and then it's over. The mom sounds like she wants to visit with you more than the kids. Maybe you two could meet up for a lunch on a weekend when the dads could watch the kids.
Otherwise find some other mommas that have more things in common with you besides the kids.
This is torture all the way around and I would not want to put my kid in that situation.
Good luck. Life is too short for all this foolishness.
The other S.
Should you put her in situations like this purposely ? You are kidding right ? Do you put yourself in situations purposely so you can learn how to behave ? No. So now you want to 'torment' your daughter purposely ? I think life in general will give her plenty of 'situations' that she will have to encounter others she does not like. To actually suggest purposely tormenting your daughter is abusive emotionally and completely ludicrous. No one forces you to be friends with certain people - respect your daughter and her wishes. You are undermining her and her feelings when you outright try to disregard her feelings and thoughts on things. You are not teaching her the important lesson of respecting one another when you force her to be around a child she detests. So if anyone needs to learn a lesson here, its not your daughter, its you unfortunately.....
I don't think she should be forced to play with someone she doesn't want to play with. From your description they clearly weren't playing together so why make her suffer. Think of what you would do if you didn't want to be around someone. Would you force yourself to be around them just because someone else wanted you too. Not likely. If the Mother calls again I would tell her that you all are pretty busy but you will get back to her when you are free. Good luck!!
