Do I Have a Problem?

You need to balance everything out.

There is NO excuse for not doing homework and keeping grades up. THAT would warrant some sort of disicipline.

You are her parent, not her BFF BE the parent

I'm the oldest of 5 kids, and my mom was not tough on me but she was firm. I was not allowed to dress like a "ho," I was not allowed to stay up late, I was not allowed to do things with my friends or on the weekends when my grades were slipping, and it worked. she loosened up with my sister (the baby of us 5) and she ended up losing her virginity at 14, almost failing highschool, got caught smoking weed AT school...
I think she was trying to be more of a "friend." you're not her friend, you're her mom :) you want to be liked, and that's normal. I fear the same with me and my daughter, but as long as you are reasonable and nip it in the bud now, I think you'll be better off.

Updated

I'm the oldest of 5 kids, and my mom was not tough on me but she was firm. I was not allowed to dress like a "ho," I was not allowed to stay up late, I was not allowed to do things with my friends or on the weekends when my grades were slipping, and it worked. she loosened up with my sister (the baby of us 5) and she ended up losing her virginity at 14, almost failing highschool, got caught smoking weed AT school...
I think she was trying to be more of a "friend." you're not her friend, you're her mom :) you want to be liked, and that's normal. I fear the same with me and my daughter, but as long as you are reasonable and nip it in the bud now, I think you'll be better off.

My daughter had a friend who's parents let her wear whatever she wants to wear, she stays up until 10 or later, she drinks coffee (only the fraps though!), wears whatever she wants, goes wherever she wants, and has friends spend the night all the time.

She's also sexually promiscuous, been pregnant once (miscarried), and has been hospitalized for cutting. My daughter quit hanging out with her, as did most of their friends, when she started acting like this. One of the last times she came over her, she showed up unannounced as we were leaving for the mall. The daughter said she could go with us. I drove her to her parents house, no one was home, so I called her mom...who begged me to keep her because she was afraid she might run out and have sex and get pregnant again. She's 13. (BTW, during that trip, she bought my daughter a frap from Starbucks with an extra shot...which I promptly threw away. Kids don't need coffee!)

Parents aren't here to be fun. They're here to set boundaries and make their children good productive members of society. Sometimes that makes us fun killers.

Age matters on most of that, like around 14 it would be normal. The missing homework is unacceptable at any age.

Kids need to learn that you are allowing them to make their choices but that comes with the responsibility of making good choices. If she is forgetting homework then she isn't making good choices so you go back to making them for her until she makes good choices again.
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I just want to add everything has its reciprocal, if you want to stay up till 10 you must get up in the morning on your own. If you don't want me to check your homework every day like a baby you turn it in on time. If you want to pick your clothes they must be appropriate.

It is very easy to be a moderate parent, find the extremes and determine the middle ground.

i'm really not trying to be mean - really. i know you will think i am. but i have to be honest, and you did ask. please just believe i'm going to say this as nicely as i can.

i see a serious lack of common sense here. your 11 year old daughter is drinking frappuccinos and having sleepovers every weekend? you just decided to "start disciplining her again"???

i don't know what you considered too uptight, but at this point, you're a swinging pendulum of inconsistency and it has to stop. figure out where your boundaries are and STICK to them. quit worrying about what everyone else thinks (a common theme in your questions) and figure out what YOU think is right. then do it.

maybe a little research could help you. find some parenting websites (supernanny.com comes to mind) and get some tips for realistic boundaries and discipline. worrying about what everyone else is thinking is not going to make you a good mom. you're an adult now and you need to make your OWN decisions based on what is best for your daughter. hang in there. the good news is at least you're concerned about it. if there's something you don't know, it's always good to learn. you need to educate yourself on parenting. this is a great website for questions, but if it was me i would really go a lot farther and really LEARN what kids your daughters age need. there is so much more than we can cover in this one website. but it's a great place to start. get to work mama. read, read, read. learn. you have a long road ahead of you. YOU CAN DO IT.

parenting is WORK. it's not a guessing game, or a shot in the dark. it's also the most important job you'll ever have. she deserves the best you can give her. and that doesn't mean the best clothes. our job is not to make them happy.

our job is to prepare them to be successful adults. keep that in mind. you're raising her to adulthood. not just 'dealing' with her in this current moment.

my dear, not hovering does not mean abdicating your parental authority. it's going to be very confusing for her if you yaw wildly from micromanaging her to a total laissez-faire attitude. work out for yourself what you and your husband think appropriate boundaries are, then discuss them with your daughter. allow her input and suggestions, but that doesn't mean she gets to make the rules.
there's a very wide middle ground between loosening up and a death grip, KWIM?
khairete
S.

How old is she?

Why are you letting others tell you how to parent your child? Are you not secure in your parenting abilities? No one should be able to tell you how to raise your child, especially when it comes to loosening rules & expectations.

Are these the same "friends" that complain about department store clothing? Honestly? I think it's also time for YOU to find some new friends. What type of friends encourage you to let your child basically act like an adult?

I think you have a problem on your hands if you think that boundaries and responsibility = no fun. If "fun" is your main goal, you will not make the best choices for your daughter because her idea of "fun" is not tempered by the common sense and experience you have as an adult. You're already seeing the results: disregard for rules of home and school and compromising wardrobe choices. This will only get worse. Studies show that children of more permissive parents are more prone to rebellion (ironically), violence, promiscuity and...get this...resentment toward their parents for not caring enough to protect them from their poor choices.

Ouch.

It is possible to set boundaries that are grounded in responsibility and love. In fact it's necessary if you love your child! If you really love her, you will want to prepare her to be a successful, responsible, self-sufficient adult who makes good choices.

It's ALWAYS easier to loosen up than it is to try and reign in behavior that has been permitted to get out of control. You didn't mention how old she is, but from what you mentioned, it sounds like many of these behaviors are for a high-school aged child.

Learn this phrase: "Different families have different rules. In OUR family, our rule about __________ is ____________." Stick to it and BE CONSISTENT.

I'm sure some people think I'm overprotective, and I really don't care what they think. We raise our kids the way we feel is right, and others do the same. I often don't agree with what others do - they are entitled to their opinion, but I don't have to share it or take their advice. If you were comfortable being overprotective, then be overprotective. I would not allow my kids any of the things you mention, but you don't say her age.

NEVER stop disciplining. Children need and want discipline. If you ever look at your daughter and your first thought is "I don't like what you are wearing", THEN that's your sign to make her change. If it's a low cut top then make her wear a tank under it. If it's tight jeans, then get rid of them. And 10:00 is too late for an 11 yr old, especially when she has incomplete homework and why on earth is an 11 yr old having frapps?

I really think you could use a parenting handbook, maybe even take a parenting class. Best wishes

YES you have a problem or three!

Someone? Loosened up? Coffee and sleepovers every weekend?

How old is your daughter?

If she's screwing up the first week of school....Yes you have loosened up too much. Time to STOP listening to "Someone"

If she's 6, you're nuts. If she's 16, she should know better.

Big difference between being an overprotective parent and a responsible parent.

What I have let both my kids know is that "I am your mother, not your friend" and "I dont care that so and so has or what they get to do, I am your mother and what I say goes" Every thing is done in moderation and NO ONE tells me how to parent my children (my husband and I both parent them). Sounds like whoever she hangs out with at school, that causes her to be afraid she wont be bullied if she doesnt conform to the things they do and wear, probably are not real friends or people you want your daughter to hang out with. I am not being MEAN I am being real with you. It is more important for a child to be themselves and think for themselves with the direction of their parents NOT their friends. Every family has their own way and own rules, you NEED to stick to what is best to your family. If Paige doesnt like some of the rules, then you are doing your job. YOU are to parent your child, your child is not to dictate how to be parented. You dont have to be a fun killer to discipline. IF she misses assignments then she should miss having a weekend sleepover. Make her earn the fun. Good luck to you

Be your daughter's MOTHER, not her friend.

Discipline her, and make your expectations known, especially about schoolwork.

Try not to think of yourself being a "fun killer". You are the person she is modeling her behavior after. If you want her to be responsible, then you have to teach that and show that through your own behavior. If 10pm and sleepovers every weekend is too much, then come up with a plan that better suits you. (That would never fly in my house every weekend - ugh)

As for clothes, I think you're the one with the $$$, so you determine what she wears at this age. She can have a say, but you make the final decision. If she's dressing too provocatively (if that's the case), then you have to stop it. IF she's doing this now, what will she wear when she's 16?

You have to remember you are the parent, you are in control. Yes, you can unleash the reigns a little to allow her some decisions, but you always have the final say.

Good luck!

NO one has to dress inappropriately, talk trashy, or act ridiculous in order to "not be bullied" at school. What a copout.

Staying up until 10? So, are we talking about a youngish child here? If that's the case, then that's really sad. You shouldn't let anyone tell you how to parent...if someone tells you your uptight, tell them they're too loose. No child who has just won a "10:00" bedtime (so, I'm assuming she's young) should be acting the way you describe or drinking coffee.

And if you don't want her having friends sleeping over every weekend (as you shouldn't, totally not necessary) then don't...it's your house.

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Oh, Dear-the pendulum swung too far in the other direction. Why don't you print your letter and hand it to her-and then you can talk about the new rules/expectations. Your motivation has always been love, she'll get that fact. she is trying to fit in with her peers-whose opinions, for some inexplicable reason, are all she cares about. Best of luck-you've got to stop this now-left unchecked, it will get more difficult and maybe impossible.

You need to balance. A 10:00pm bedtime is fine if she is getting enough sleep, if she is not, then she needs to go to bed earlier. There is nothing wrong with sleepovers every weekend, unless that is why she isn't getting homework done. If she wants to have sleepovers, then she will have to have her homework done first. A coffee once in while isn't going to hurt, but she shouldn't be having them all the time. (When I was a kid I always got to have coffee on Sunday mornings, and after holiday dinners) It should be a treat. She can dress as she likes, within your guidelines. You have the final decision.

How old is she?

If you feel you've loosened up too much, sit her down and have a talk with her. Be honest: Tell her that you were told you were too strict and you tried to loosen up, but that now you think you've gone too far in the other direction. Talk about which new behaviors you think are ok and which ones need to be tightened up again.

For example: staying up until 10:00 on a school night is probably ok for a kid in high school, but is too late for someone younger than that.

Sleepovers every weekend are too much. Maybe you can agree on one per month.

Coffee is not really good for a growing girl. Make it an occasional treat rather than an every day thing.

Missing homework is totally unacceptable. Get super strict about that one and explain why.

She also needs to dress appropriately. Help her choose clothes at the store - go to stores she likes and let her feel like she's the one picking, but make sure you're comfortable with everything she buys. Once the clothes are home and you're ok with them all, let her choose which ones to wear each day and what to pair them with.

You are the mom. Make the rules and stick to them, but let her have some input so she is less likely to defy them.

You have to say her age-it makes all the difference in our input.

You're a loooooong way from an uptight fun killer don't worry :)

You have to know what your own beliefs are before you can effectively choose and enforce rules. Sounds like you can use some counseling (and I almost NEVER recommend that) or guidance from a trustworthy church source (nice counselors free usually) to asses what your morals and values are.

Do you want your daughter to be a respectable looking, healthy, educated teenager and adult who respects your views and authority? Then trashy clothes, massively sugary caffeine shakes, and skipping homework are not an option. Nor is trampling your rules or demanding weekly sleepovers: that's excessive and sounds like you just don't want to fight her so she prevails.

It's easy to see if these things are out of line IF you know what direction you want her heading in. What was your upbringing? What do you believe and want for her? If you need help coming to terms with all of that, you should get help!

Meanwhile, fake it to make it-and start enforcing some rules. Find a more "respectable source" than the "someone" who told you to loosen up, and find out what some good guidelines are. Who are some nice kids in her class? Can you invite a mom to coffee and ask for help? I would happily be candid with a fellow mom who asked, and I ask other moms things all the time.

Have a sit down with your daughter and tell her why you're changing the program: Because you love her.
Be strong!

Looking back over your recent questions, it looks like your daughter is 11? And it seems that YOU have an unhealthy issue with shopping and what your daughter wears and buys. I think maybe some counceling or parenting books may help you before she gets into her teens and its a real problem. Good luck.