Disturbing Behavior

My friends son had the same issues in terms of constant moving around, lack of concentration, etc. They diagnosed him with adhd after evaluating other symptoms he was having as well (constipation, sleep issues, etc). They offered medication but she preferred a natural approach and within 6 weeks his behavior was under control, he sleeps better and the constipation issue is resolved. He's 6 1/2 as well.

If I can assist you please contact me directly.
C.

Hi A.,

First of all, sorry for you situation. It sounds like a tough one. I am currently in school for becoming a teacher and I have a few suggestions for you. I would go back and talk to the teacher and ask for specific times your son misbehaves. Often times children are trying to communicate something to you by their behavior. Is he bored or is he struggling and the way he hides it is by acting out? I would talk to him and ask him why he does these things. Also, how does he act when he does homework at home? He is trying to tell his teacher something and unfortunately they cannot think clearly becuase they are so focused on the bad behavior. Good Luck.
J.

Hi A..

Sorry to hear your little guy is having such a hard time. Counseling is not a bad idea. My 6 year old went to counselling last year....actually, play therapy is what we did. The child gets to play and the therapist just watches and engages the child. It helped us to understand some of the things she was going through and didnt know how to react appropriately too.

Although to you the divorce is not a big deal because its been a while and ex hubby has been out of the picture for a while, now that your little man is in school, he is seeing the way other kids live their lives and maybe he is just struggling with why his family is different?

Sometimes kids get stressed about life and just dont know how to cope so they act out. Counseling or play therapy is a way for them to express themselves in a controlled comfortable environment.

I am sorry to hear about your son. First thing I would suggest being a former teacher is that you request an in person conference. That way you can discuss when these things are happening. Is is during transition times, is it in line, is it during big group activities? Ask when it started? Is it just since spring break? Has it been all year? Does it happen around a particular student?
Also, I noticed that your bio says you have an 8 month old. Well, that would certainly change your older son's life. Don't get me wrong I am not saying that having another child is bad. However, it is a huge adjustment for a little guy who has been an only child for almost 6 years. Now he has someone that has to share your attention with. I am not sure how long ago you were remarried, but that is also someone he has to share you with. I don't think he necessarily would need counseling. I really think you need to sit down with the teacher and really discuss what he is doing. Something that may also help him is to have alone time with him. Perhaps dad can watch the 8 month old while you and Tyler do some fun stuff by yourselves. That way he is reassured that you two still have that special bond/connection that was there before the new baby. It really sounds like his misbehavior in school is because he is trying to get attention. Kids will do anything to get attention. Also, don't think I am saying that you don't pay attention to Tyler. But, most of the times that I have seen this type of behavior in school is because he/she wants attention. So you really need to get in and see the teacher--don't just rely on email and/or notes back and forth. One on one meetings show the teacher that this is important to you and you want to do what you can to help Tyler have a successful kindergarten. Also, she can give you ideas on what to do over the summer to get ready for 1st grade.

Also, starting kindergarten is a MAJOR change for little guys. So actually, there have been a lot of changes in his life. They don't seem like much to us because we are adults and we multitask and do new things all the time without even thinking it. But, he is now going to school with LOTS of new friends, new teachers and he has a new brother. All of these events are positive BUT they are changes to his routine and the amount of time he gets to spend with you.

I hope this helps. Congrats on the new baby!

I know this is not the answer you are looking for, but I have to say this. As a teacher, I am shocked that another teacher would send a letter home suggesting counseling!! I hope you have kept that letter and march right up to the administrators about it. If that doesn't work, you keep going up until some kind of action is taken on that teacher. Teachers are absolutely forboden from suggesting any kind of medical treatment or even giving possibilities for what could be wrong with a child. Example: I cannot tell a parent that I feel her child has ADD. I could lose my job. I cannot recommend that a child seek any particular medical treatment (which counseling is), or I could lose my job. It is pounded in our heads even before we begin teaching that the first step is to go to our school counselors about problems we're seeing, and the counselors can request for a parent meeting. Even the counselors are not able to suggest such treatment or diagnose issues. You need to take care of that situation because the teacher went way over the boundary line on this one, and it is greatly affecting your family.

I do think that often times children are acting out because of some underlying reason. You are the only one to determine whether counseling will help you out or not, but I cannot get past what this teacher did to you. I wish you all the luck in finding out what's going on, but I urge you to go to the school's administration.

Hi A.,

I know it may sound extreme, but counseling can be a really positive experience. He may have some issues that it will really help to talk to someone about. I'd definitely give it a shot. I taught elementary school, and a lot of kids went to counseling - it really was good for them.

Also, kindergarten is one of the toughest years for kids. I was always amazed every year when the kids showed up for kindergarten how little they seemed, it's the year of biggest growth and maturity in elementary school from what I've seen. It's a tough time for some kids and it wouldn't hurt to give him a little extra support by counseling.

Good luck! C.

When my 10 year old son was in kindergarden he had this problems and his dad was out of the picture his whole life. When he got in kindergarden and socialized with the other kids. The other kids were talking about their fathers and also the teacher would have lessons that talked about family. Also, if he is only acting at school there might be something going on at school. Maybe someone he's hanging around with or something going on in his class. My 6 year old started having behavior problems in kindergarden this year, we found out he has ADHD and now he is on medication and is a changed child. I do think he is too young for counseling, you might ask the school counselor to observe him and see what she thinks.

My sweet little girl, who was so well-behaved at home, was a little pill in kindergarten. She didn't like sharing her time with other kids because she's basically an only-child (I have a step-son that's 10 years older than her, and lives in Houston so not around very much.) We got through it, and she's doing well in 3rd grade. Her birthday is a summer birthday, so she'll always be behind the curve in maturity level, at least until high school. You didn't mention when your son's birthday is...if it's June-August, that may be some of his problem. Don't think of counseling as such a dire thing; it really doesn't carry that stigma anymore. I noticed you have an 8 month-old...any jealosy there? You might not even know it unless he works with a good counselor who specializes in children's issues. Is there someone at school picking on HIM? Also, while it's hard to imagine how a divorce would traumatize a child so young, it really can. Don't feel guilty or ashamed, but do get him some help.

you say your son has experienced no trauma when in fact he has. He doesn't have his father! A father is just as important in a child's life as a mother, but they serve different purposes. I understand that you are happily married and your son and your husband have a great realtionship, but it's not the same as his real dad. I would agree with the teacher on counseling. My parents got a divorce when I was 2 and my mom remarried when I was 4 to a wonderful man who stepped up and took the place as my father, but that didn't address the "daddy" issues that I experienced. I would also try to get his father to be involved in his life, even if it's only 1 weekend a month. I understand you and him may not get along, but for the sake of your son please give it a shot. He really needs him and needs to know that his daddy loves him, cares about him and that your son has done nothing wrong. Good luck!

Warning: Long response...sorry...couldn't seem to shorten it.

A., my daughter was having a lot of problems as she adjusted to K as well. We tried almost everything...she went to counseling (haven't been completely impressed with the results...seems we are just paying a therapist to play), involved her in church programs with other children with same struggles, tried daily rewards/consequences, etc.

About three weeks ago, she had a horrible situation with an acting teacher (the teacher said to HER that she was one of the most obnoxious kids she had ever dealt with, and didn't understand how any of her teachers ever put up with her), then a few days later her Sunday School teacher reported that my daughter wouldn't respond to their instructions to stop running around the room. I just had a complete meltdown right there...literally started crying at church that of all places, I wanted to be able to bring her there. They were very loving and had some good ideas.

But, after calming down and really considering putting her on ADHD medicine (which I only wanted to look at as a last resort), I talked to a friend who has an autistic son about nutritional adjustments. She was saying something about Red dyes and corn syrup. So I thought, well, let's try that...so we went to Target and got ALL organic stuff for her. Organic juice boxes (loves), organic granola bars (loves), organic chocolate (hates), organic cookies (hates), organic cheetos (loves), eggs, cheese, organic peanut butter, bread, and jelly (loves), and organic milk and yogurt (loves). It really wasn't that much more expensive.

Well, I met with her teacher after about a week and a half of the new foods (let her teacher know we were doing it). And she said that she had seen parents try it before, but was a little apprehensive about whether it worked or not. She said that she could completely see a difference in the days that my child ate organic and didn't. It wasn't so much that she was perfect on the days she ate organic, but moreso on the days she didn't, she was much more distractable, easily disruptive, and attention-needy (not her words, mine).

Boy have I been glad that this is working...in fact, it has totally changed my viewpoint about it all. We do allow her to eat some processed foods and even very small amounts of "cheating" at home some times, but since she is home her behavior is a little easier to manage and doesn't affect others. She still gets excitable, but knowing that the food allergy is what causes it seems to make it much easier to manage (or not depending on the behavior). All along I thought it could be sugar, but it seems to be mostly corn syrup and red dye...sugar and even caffeine don't seem to be hyping her up.

On another note, I do understand that telling your child they need counseling is really against the law, but my greatest understanding about this is that it is against the law because teachers (I am a high school teacher) are not trained or educated to make medical diagnoses (sp?). I have to tall you though as a teacher, I am consistently amazed every year with the success I see from students whose "differences" are treated whether nutritionally, medically, or theraputically. I have had several mothers ask me to let them know if I see a difference in their child's behavior (particularly if the child misses their medicine that morning).

Teachers are allowed to tell parents about the specific behaviors they see. For example, I could say, "Ms. Doe, I have observed lately that Sally is tapping on her desk with her pen everytime I call on a student sitting at her table." I could not say, "Ms. Doe, Sally seems to be struggling with jeolousy or a need for attention every time I call on someone near her." Because for all I know Sally might be tapping out of fear rather than jeolousy. So I could report the behavior, but not diagnosis the reason. Now, having said that, I do know that there are some bad apples in the bunch of teachers, but for the most part, if a teacher is sharing their observation of your child, I would STRONGLY encourage any parent to be thankful and not BLAMING.

I recently had a situation where parents were sending me daily emails asking for feedback on their daughter's behavior. I appropriately let them know of behaviors I observed (i.e. writing notes in class, working on other subjects in Math, playing games on her calculator, not following classroom rules and instructions, etc.). In response to an email I sent home about their child passing notes and lying to me until I asked her to lift up her Math notes which her non-math note was under they questioned my "accusing" their child of text messaging (quite popular at the high schools) just 10 minutes after this child lying to me. I could NOT believe these parents had the nerve to question me even asking their child if they were text messaging...by the way, she wasn't texting, which was why I never notified the parents about that.

Anyways, way too long story a little shorter, I would love to encourage parents to always support the teacher first, then ask questions later--most importantly for the health of the child respecting authority. (Maybe just my personal rant here ;) )...which it doesn't sound like you were voicing your concern at all to or in front of your child.

And I would totally encourage you (if possible) to go observe your child. I have seen parents even observe their child when the child was unaware.

Well...A., I hope that helps...I know it can be upsetting, but I think it really is a gift to have the school letting you know what they think about the behaviors (not necessarily the solution...that I think is your call). Take care...

A., I don't have any experience with 6-year olds but I'm wondering if it could be that he is experiencing some anxiety about his new brother? I'm sure he loves his brother but it could be that sharing attention is hard for him after 5 years. Maybe that has affected him a little. Counseling may sound extreme but on the other hand I know that counselors might add some insight on these behavior issues. And if it helps, that would be great. Good luck to you - I'm sorry I have not real advice to give but hang in there.

L.

Have you asked your son what is going on? He may very well be able to tell you why he is doing these things.

I agree with what Tammy said. Take an honest look at his behavior at home. Is he misbehaving, not following your directions, talking back, etc. at home? If this behavior is widespread and not situation specific, then counseling may be necessary.
If this behavior is only seen at school, then there may be a problem with classroom management. Is the teacher also having trouble with other kids who were "good" in previous years? Is your son being challenged in school or is he bored or the work is too easy? OR...is the work too hard?? Often times kids act out due to frustrations with work.(These are not excuses for his behavior but rather reasons he might be acting up.)

Also, as a teacher, I know that a lot of my students get super excited come spring time. The weather is beautiful... who wants to be inside learning?! They are anticipating the start of summer and kids who were little angels before occasionally try new tricks. (But I just re-read your email and it sounds like this has been an ongoing problem.)

Whatever the problem is, support the teacher in finding appropriate goals, rewards, and consequences for his behavior so that he and the teacher can survive these last few weeks of school.

Do not be too concerned about the counseling letter. It might be a super idea to let him walk down to the school counselor. She will just talk to him about the behavior the teacher has witnessed and try to find out why he is doing it. Then, they might make up a plan to help him- rewards, incentives, as well as consequences. It really can't hurt to let him talk to the counselor.
Good luck and remember that a fresh start (First Grade!!) is just around the corner.

I noticed you have an 8 month old also. This is very normal for a small child with a new infant in the house. The infant requires a lot of care and attention and the older sibling feels neglected (even though that isn't the case). I would try to set aside time to spend alone with your older son, taking him to McDonald's or anything and making him feel special. Also, have him help with the baby as much as possible and encourage him to feel like a special "big brother". My oldest son was only two when my daughter was born and he was so proud to help with his little sister. He is still very protective of her to this day.

I know the idea of 'counseling' can be a bit extreme but it may be something that can be beneficial to you and your son. I know sometimes when we think of couseling we conjure up images of people sitting on a couch and discussing their feelings. Counselors of children can give you ideas on how to manage behavioral issues with suggestions such as a behavioral chart or setting age-appropriate goals or pointing out stressors that trigger the behavior. If you look at counseling as more of an advisor or someone who can give you ideas rather than the stereotype of a counselor it may not be as intimidating. Good luck!

Hi A. - I think we could all use counseling tee hee..... Like another Mom said counseling can also help manage feeling and help him learn how to get through them. I know that you said nothing traumatic has happened in his life but as I read your profile that little guy may not be dealing with the changes as well as you think he is. He has a step daddy and a fairly new little brother, and this whole kindergarten thing has to be tough. Things may just be adding up for him. I would give counseling a shot. Please be sure to let us all know how things turn out.