District Transfer

No no no. Hell no! Just tell her no. She is choosing to move. Don't feel bad about saying no. Tell her if she wants child in district, just pony up the tuition!

i understand your angst, but this is a skill you need to learn NOW and teach your kids as well. you MUST learn how to say no without feeling guilty or that it's rude.
what's rude is someone helping herself to your address without an explicit invitation.
look at this as an important learning experience, both for yourself personally and as a parent. you want your kids to be able to say NO without feeling guilty, don't you?
you must master this. awkward, difficult, even painful, all yes for those of us raised to be pleasers. but vitally important.
a firm, no-nonsense, no apologetic words or smiles, no nervous chatter, just a plain straightforward straight-faced uncompromising NO is what's called for here. practice it if you need to.
and don't even give the obligatory 'sorry' anywhere in the speech at all until you're more comfortable with doing this, and don't actually MEAN 'sorry.'
'mary jane, you're going to need to find a different solution. i'm not comfortable with you using my address.'
bam.
no apologies. no excuses. no 'reasons why.' nothing more.
don't smile, or flutter, or in any way give tacit, overt or body language that this is open for discussion.
put this in your bag of tricks and use it whenever necessary.
khairete
S.

Tell her no - her idea is not going to work - and you will not appreciate her using your friendship like this if she tries doing this.
She's going to have to prove where she lives by showing them a paid recent utility bill with her name (or her husbands) and address on it.

Oh and ABSOLUTELY do NOT WORRY about sounding rude to ANYONE who would ask you to lie and break the law.
You not only say no, you tell her "Hell No!".

Nope. The district will catch you and it is embarrassing. Once you lie to them, how can they trust you in the future? Just tell her "no, I am not comfortable doing this."

Not only that, I do not believe parents should encourage their children to lie. If you ask them to lie, how can they learn it is not ok to lie? How can they trust their parents? What values does this send?

My sister tried this in high school.
They caught her because she gave her real address and phone number to the school directory,

She invited friends over to work on projects and it was not the address listed. She signed up for things to be mailed to her at her real address.

Your friend needs to decide if she really wants to move. Or if she can be positive her children are going to do just fine at any school they attend, because their mother will do everything in her power to reassure them they can and will handle this move beautifully.

This is a learning experience for all of them and where ever they are as a family, they will be happy and successful. Change happens all of the time, this is a great opportunity as a family to learn this.

Well that wouldn't work here, even if you were willing to do it. We have to show three separate proof of residency documents, things like mortgage or lease agreement, property tax statement, homeowners/rental insurance policy, stuff like that. Once my kids hit high school we had to provide this documentation EVERY YEAR.
Your "friend" is an idiot, you can't just use someone else's address to get into the school of your choice.

I'm sorry, but your friend is just rude. How dare she "tell" you she's going to use your address? You friend is a selfish biotch.

This is the school your kids are going to. You don't need to get into a contentious relationship with the school.

She can just fill out the interdistrict transfer form, like everyone else

These are the words to use: "Sorry, I'm not comfortable with that." And you don't need to elaborate or say one word more. If she argues, repeat, "I'm really not comfortable with that." If she argues again, "I'm sorry, no." If she can't accept that, dump her. (Like Suz says, you can skip the word sorry. But if you use the word sorry, say it with firmness, not like you're really sorry.)

SHE'S the rude person.

Reread Suz's excellent advice. As she says, saying no is a skill to learn now. Once you learn how to say no, which I had to do, it's actually very easy.

I had to laugh over this one because your friend doesn't have a clue. She would need to show proof of residency- mortgage bill, lease contract, SMUD bill, etc. with your address. Our school district won't accept things like cell phone bills, etc that are easily changed.

She needs to go to her new school district and apply for an Inter District transfer. Her new school district needs to release her and then she can apply to her district of choice. Tell her to get busy with it because most districts have been accepting Inter District transfers since February and it's getting late. She will need documentation showing her kids have been enrolled in the school district she's requesting. Report cards or progress reports should suffice.

Also, tell her to apply to her new neighborhood school to ensure her kids have spots there in case she's denied the transfer. She can always cancel those later. Tell her if she is denied the transfer to immediately dispute the denial. Often they are approved the second time around.

In the meantime, if she brings it up again, treat it like a joke. Tell her, "I know you'd never put little Emily in the position of getting kicked out of school" and move on. I bet she was just throwing the idea out there to see if you'd take the bait.

Pretty funny. Your friend is going to ask to keep them in the same district after she moves and then if its denied then poof like magic she has an address in the district? Like that won't raise a red flag with anyone? If she brings it up again tell her that you aren't comfortable with her using your address for anything. If going to that school was so important then she should have moved somewhere in the same district.

You MUST say no. If you are not used to saying no, get used to it now.

I am assuming that if she asked you to rob a bank with her you would say no, correct? So this is not in the same category as robbing a bank but it is a serious offense.

You should feel no guilt saying no, especially to breaking the law! Do you think she'll be there for you when she gets caught? If she is willing to lie now, rest assured she will lie if she gets caught.

That is such a violation and what kind of friend would put someone like you in a situation like that?

SHE is being the rude one here. SHE is not a friend.

Don't they require you to show proof of address? Our district requires two utility bills to prove residency. Other districts in OC require two utility bills and a copy of either a mortgage or lease.

If your district doesn't require proof, you need to be up front with your friend. Apologize, explain that you understand how important it is to her, but just let her know that you aren't comfortable lying to the school like that.

In the end, it's not your fault she's moving out of district. She is choosing to leave; she can deal with the consequences.

I would just say, "Actually, I'm very uncomfortable with you doing that. I'm pretty sure with todays technology, they will KNOW that my address is being used for my own kids. Please don't put me in that position to get in trouble. I'm sure you can understand this." What a crappy thing for her to do. That simply is not cool. I hope she doesn't put you in that position but if she does, don't hold back and make it clear to her that she is not to do that. Then do a review on your friendship. Good luck.

She should be honest since she's changing districts. She will have to put her kids in that district's school. This is this way because the districts receive money based on enrollment number's. Schools are very involved with the process because of the money involved.They must follow the state's rules. Otherwise, the district will lose money.

I don't see this as a reason to get upset. Just tell her you're uncomfortable doing that. You don't have to tell her why.Your friend asked. This means she needs an answer, either yes or no. You could say, after thinking about this you have to say no. If this ruins you relationship, she's not a good friendm

I wonder why mom's feel they have to call your friend names? Whether or not she's stupid has nothing to do with saying yes or no. When we judge and call names we are making a simple question turn into an emotional issue. It's the emotions that cause us difficulty in answering the question. And...what your friend does is no one's business. I see calling the district to report her only continues your involvement. This is not a situation involving safety. I'm sure you have better things to think about.

Really, this situation is minor. It's "stupid" to make this a big deal. My use of the word is to illustrate that all of us are stupid from time to time. We do the right thing because we choose to do the right thing; not because the other person is stupid or rude. What the other mother does, as long as she honors your no, is really not your business. We are only responsible for ourselves and our family.

Even if you told her she could use your address she is the only one to suffer consequences. Those are most likely to have to move her kids into the correct district. Geez, people. This is a simple administrative issue. Surely you don't always follow the rules. When you drive 15 miles above the speed limit you may get a ticket. You have just as good a chance you'll get a verbal or written warning. The most likely thing to happen is that the police won't notice. Should the car you passed call your license plate in?

Answering a question honoring your values is not rude.

You already know the answer. You must tell her no, and tell her that if she goes ahead and uses your address even after you tell her no, YOU will report the falsification to the school district yourself. Then do so, if she has the idiocy and the gall to use your address anyway.

In fact, if her kids turn up in your kids' district next fall, even if she does not use your address but some other false address, and you know she has moved out of that district, I would report her then as well. She is sucking up school slots that could be used by kids IN the district. She also, depending on how your district is set up, might be taking advantage of your schools while not paying taxes toward them.

Will this end your friendship? Oh, yes. But do you want a friend who would lie like this?

One thing: Be very clear and firm with her now before she registers her kids for next year. It is worrying that she is TELLING you she will do this and not asking you. She does not care if you object; therefore she is not your friend. Why are you hesitating and worrying about being rude to this woman? Can you see that she is the rude one, telling you what she will do and effectively stealing your address? Forget her friendship; protect yourself and your kids and tell her she cannot do it and you will run, not walk, to report her if she does.

Tell her outright and in a way that she cannot say later, "But I wasn't sure if you really cared or not so I did it." You post makes it sound as if you have not given her a firm and unequivocal NO. Please do so now or she will lie later, when she gets caught, and claim you were in on her scam. And it is indeed a scam on the school system.

In our system her kids would be booted if she were found to have lied about her residence. It does happen and I know our school system tells those parents to get their kids out and into the right school--very disruptive for the children. I don't know what the consequences would be for you, but I feel sure you would have to endure some questions and a visit from school officials at the very least, and they may want to review all the records YOU have given them about your own kids, no matter how truthful those records might be.

Hi K.,

I haven't read any of the other responses yet, so sorry if I'm repeating.

Don't ever let anyone tell you what YOU are going to do. YOU get to decide that. Your friend is in charge of what she does, but that doesn't mean she gets to dictate what you do. If she lies, you can't stop her, but you don't have to participate in a lie, either.

Because so many people try to get into our school using other people's addresses, our school requires proof. Every family has to resubmit documents at registration time each year, no matter how many years you've been at the school. Driver's license has to match claimed address; utility bills have to have parent name and match claimed address. If people claim they are living with someone (like if she were to claim she is living with your family), the owner of the house must write a letter attesting to this, and the letter must be notarized. If our school officials find that someone is enrolled based on false information, the parents are notified and the child is not allowed back at school. There may be other consequences that I'm not aware of.

Just tell your friend you are not comfortable lying, and that if school officials should call you asking you to verify her claims, you will not participate in a lie.
Don't elaborate beyond this or offer any excuses as that will just give her opportunity to try and persuade you. Just keep restating that you won't lie.

There's nothing rude about your position on this, and if she is truly a good friend, she'll understand.

I don't know what the circumstances were that caused her to move, but when she did, she knew she'd be taking her kids out of her preferred school zone. That's a choice she made, and she has to deal with the consequences, but don't feel like it's your duty to bail her out of this. It's not.

J. F.

Just be honest with her about how you feel and that you wont let her use your address.

If she gets mad then she is not much of a friend.

Um yeah, your friend is stupid. How does she think this will play out? Does she think that they will just let her keep going when she moved to an address that already has students enrolled? It is possible they may think she did move, and you moved outside the district and drop your kids thinking they moved. Then to get your kids back in you have to say you live there and guess who doesn't?

All I know is it is stupid, and illegal, and she will be hit with out of district tuition when she is caught which even here is 15k a student, can't imagine what it is in California.

Yikes. I wouldn't go that route at all. If she were moving but wanted the kids to finish out the year in their old school, that would be one thing. But this is a planned move to another district (supposedly because it's more desirable in some way) yet she doesn't like the schools.

I'm sure some proof is required to change the address - when a friend of mine was moving to town, she was in an apartment temporarily waiting for the house to be available. But she had to show her purchase & sale agreement in order to enroll her child. I don't know what the requirements are to just give a change of address. Your friend's plan to change the children's address to yours is going to be a red flag to the district anyway if you have kids in school.

You're paying taxes in the district, which funds education. She's not. She's being incredibly dishonest. I'd either put my foot down right now, or call an attorney to find out the repercussions and then explain those risks to her. You aren't the one who is rude here. She is. You can't be a party to fraud.

If you get any mail for her with your address simply put it back in the box and put return to sender, no one at this address by this name.

Schools almost out so it's not a big deal in truth. In all reality she could simply get a P O Box and give that as her mailing address then use any address in the district she wants and they'd never know. It's not a big deal really.

You just say that person doesn't live with you. You say I did not give that person permission to use this address. Period. You aren't in any trouble.

If she was using someone else's address and not living in the district it wouldn't be a big deal I think.

I lived in a highly desirable school zone in high school and one of the kids there got caught living out-of-area. The principal got a tip he didn't live in the area and followed him on the city bus home. That boy was kicked out immediately and word spread like wildfire. To this day (20-something years later), I still remember that kid's name because it was such a big deal back then. "How could he lie like that? What kind of family does he have to do that? etc." Let her know her kids will be shamed if they're caught.

The knew what they were getting into buying into a worse school district. If they didn't like the schools there, they shouldn't have moved there until they were certain it would be easy to get an inter-district transfer.

Say no firmly, that it goes against your personal ethics, and let them figure out what to do.

I ran across this article a few minutes ago, and it made me think about this post. If you haven't already told your friend no, then show them this:

http://www.miamiherald.com/news/nation-world/national/art...

We have to submit 2 bills with our name and address on it each year and it can't be a phone bill. I don't know how she would get away with it.