Disciplining My 4Yr Old!

I totally understand and this is what we do because screaming is either ignored by the child and when you yell for him when in danger he won't listen or scream where he will begin screaming at everyone else or if you scream, he'll think that is the only way he will get attention. I find out that if sitting time out does not work, taking something away. First I tell him to do something. If he doesn't, I warn him and I told you I want to do (whatever it may be) and if you don't this is what will happen and I explain the consequence. If you do, this is what you get and I explain the rewards. Those are the only two choices you have. This is good because they are given the choices and they will learn to make good choices when you follow through with the consequence and they learn there are rewards and consequences with every action in the world. Let us know how it went.

I know how you feel, I went through this too when my daughter was 3 and 4. Also I worked as a social worker in a group home withy behavior problem kids and have been trained in discipline. I think time-outs will work, if they are done right. Regardless, whatever discipline you use, you are undermining yourself by screaming. You said it feels like all we do is scream all day long at him. Fact is, raising your voice is actually giving your son his payoff. He wants control over his environment. WHen he acts out it is to get a reaction, a rise out of you, when he sees you get upset and raise your voice, he thinks, See, I did that, it's working. It's him turning the tables on you. So whatever he does and whatever consequence you give, do it CALMLY. I know it's hard but.... believe me. See if they have at your library the One-Two-Three Magic video. If not you can order it online (amazon, ebay?). This is a parents discipline method that works, it's like time-out BUT it's more than tha, it explains in detail how and when to give them and what to do if (troubleshooting with certain types of kids) It will give you tools and the confidence ytou need to be consistent and calm. Try it, what have you got to lose? Good Luck!!

Personally I am not a fan of punishing, time-outs, or any of that. If someone does those things to me I am more likely to be "defiant" and not want to cooperate. There are certainly consequences for bad behaviour, but they do not need to be punitive.

When my 4 yr old son gets really defiant, I examine several things- most importantly, that I'm spending quality time with him, looking at him when he speaks to me, providing loving touches and being gentle. Then I make sure he's getting enough exercise/outside play time- little boys need this. And lastly, I make sure he's not full of sugar, artificial food dyes, or preservatives- these effect small children neurologically and make it harder for them to "behave".

When discipline, or guidance, is needed, we must first make sure we are modeling the behaviour we wish to see. If you scream or yell when you don't like the way he behaves, he is taught to scream or yell when you don't act the way he wants you to. To have a calm child who learns to process frustration/disappointment without tantruming, you must model it...

For the things we must do every day like washing face/brushing teeth, we made a chart and hang it in the bathroom. We have songs for the different activities and do things together unless he expresses a wish to do it by himself... I'm not a fan of reward charts, I think they create kids who have a "what's in it for me" attitude (when over-used).

I practice "time-in", where we sit down and reconnect, or if I must gain composure, I will go into time out til I can deal with him calmly. If he is hurting or damaging something and doesn't respond to verbal positive instructions of what TO do (instead of what NOT to do), I remove him from the room and guide him to a different activity... after explaining an appropriate way the situation could be handled in the future.

I recommend the book "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline..." loved it, and now I can mother in a way I would wish to be mothered.

Hi L.,

My son was this stubborn as well. Nothing seemed to work. It started to affect not only him, but the rest of the family as well. Plus, not only was it destructive, but by 3 years old, he started to not care about consequences, and it became dangerous.

I am stubborn as well, and didn't want to think my child could have anything wrong with him. Now, I'm not saying your son has it, but once I finally broke down and realized something was drastically wrong, we found out he has an extreme case of ADHD. I thought he was being just your typical 3-4 year old kid not wanting to listen. He was a boy, and I thought some boys just acted like that.

Once he was diagnosed, we went through a couple different medications before we found Adderall worked the best. He is a totally changed boy. He is 5 now and starting Kindergarten this fall. In a matter of a year-year and a half, he has turned into one of the most well mannered, smartest kids in his class at daycare/preschool. He is easier to manage and above all, he is no longer a danger to himself, or his little brother.

He still has his occasional outbursts, but they are very far between, and not multiple times a day like before. It also helped that we set up a 'day chart'.

Our Day Chart consists of the things we normally do throughout the day.
Morning: Wake up, go potty, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush our teeth, leave for school.
Afternoon: Get home, free play, dinner, quiet time/bed time, bed.

We separated everything out in quarter hours, 15, 30, 45, and 00. He may not be able to tell him exactly, but we put a big standard clock in his room and he knows when the big hand is on the 6 (for 6:30) that it is time to wake up. When the big hand is on the 9 (for 6:45) it is time to get out of bed, go potty, and get dressed. When on the 12 (for 7:00) it is time to eat breakfast. When done we brush our teeth, and relax is we have time left over. When the hand is on the 6 again (for 7:30) it is time to leave for school.

This has helped us greatly, because I think it gives him a feeling that HE controls the time.

Either way good luck. I know how frustrating it can be. anything you do will take extra effort on your part, but the reward will be so worth it. I love being able to sit with my son and read a book rather than yelling at him the whole time to not turn/rip the pages.

Dear L.,
It sounds as though you have indeed lost control of your child, and you need to get it back ASAP. The trick is that you need to find consequences for his actions that you can follow thru with. Once he realizes that you are not going to follow thru, he is going to continue to do what he's doing - he has you pegged. The consequence may be to take away something he enjoys: TV, a toy, whatever. Consequences are different for every child; what works for one, does not work for another. Be creative.
Remember, too, that screaming doesn't work. It only gets you frustrated, while he views you as a raving maniac.
For example, 2 boys moved in next door who were quickly known to be "terrors" of the neighborhood. From the kitchen window, I spied the older one filling the birdbath with sand from the sandbox. Thinking quickly, I grabbed a plastic teaspoon, walked outside, and asked him calmly how the birds were going to use the bath in the mess he created. He shrugged, as my reaction had surprised him. I handed him the spoon, and told him to replace the sand 1 spoonful at a time. It took him 2 hours while the rest of the kids played in the yard. Although he was older than my kids, he spent a lot of time at our house after that episode, and always behaved well.
I always told my kids NOT to draw on the walls or there would be consequences. They had a large chalkboard in the hall they could use to display their art. Of course, they had to test me, and they drew on the wall with pencil. I believe they thought they were being smart using pencil and drawing in the laundry room and garage walls - how devastating is that? I didn't get mad, I didn't scream, I simply took out a box of #2 pencils and made them erase every inch with the tiny erasers on the end of the pencils. They wore down the eraser on every pencil while pleading for a bigger eraser. I explained that they had used a pencil to create their mistake, and so they would use a pencil to correct it. It took them hours to pay the consequence of their actions.
Another time (hope I'm not boring you), the kids were acting up in the back seat while I was driving. I asked them to stop because they were distracting me while driving. Next, I threatened to stop the car and kick them out. When they continued their behavior, I actually pulled over, told them to sit on the side of the road, and I would pick them up on the way home. That caught their attention, and they began crying and pleading with me that they would behave. At the same time, I had my mother in the seat next to me pleading, "You're not really going to do that, are you?" Of course not, but I had to prove that it was not an idle threat; I was serious.
After these episodes, I only had to threaten them and they would jump. To be honest, I would make threats with no idea what the consequenses would be. Luckily, I didn't have to; they had learned their lesson. But if I needed to, something would have come to me.
I hope this helps.
W.

my daughter is also 4 and i have started offering her more choices but with reasonable boundaries. for example she can take a bath or a shower or combine the two - she can take it in the am or the pm but not washing is not an option.
she wanted a certian toothpaste and i wouldnt buy it when she asked but i surprised her with it a few weeks later (she didnt end up liking it but my friends daughters love it)
choose your battles and above all else remain consistant speaking calmly instead of screaming also diffuses a situation faster hope this helps!!

As frustrating as this is...and I know well just how frustrating it is...it is age appropriate behavior. I have little time, but suggest some sort of reward system to encourage the behaviors that you wish to see, such as brushing teeth, proper time-out behavior, etc. I started a chart that I use with my very defiant 5 year old son and it helps...it's no magic wand, but it helps. Threatening to take away things or plans that he really likes...and then following through as necessary also works. personally, i gave up on time out as he uses it as an opportunity to behave even worse and things escalate...now I send him to his room "until he can behave nicely" which is usually longer than the oft prescribed 1 minute per year of time-out.

Time out WILL work if he knows that he cant get up. I am a firm believer in the corner, its always worked for me. But someone decided that a 'time out' chair is the thing to do. Which ever you decide on, you must insist he do. If you still have a high chair I would put him in it, otherwise keep sitting him back down. I have had children that wouldnt stand in the corner so I stood behind them so they couldnt get out. They absolutely hated that (I would too)and soon stayed there when told to.
Also do NOT argue or plead with him. Ask him to do whatever, if he doesnt, tell him to, if he still doesnt (he wont do it)then count. Say one ..wash your hands. if you dont wash your hands you will get time out. two..wash your hands, if I say 3 you WILL get a time out. Then say 3 and put him in time out immediately. No arguments. he will learn if you are consistent.

2 books to read (reading up on tings helps me out -- partially because reading is time that I'm relaxing!)
-- the portable pediatrician, covers most aspects of parenting from birth to age 5
-- Just tell me what to say (by betsy brown something) Our library had this one, it's got scripts for many situations and a good description of how to discipline and how to remain the adult (not give control to the child). I'm thinking of buying this one!

lot of responses here, Lizette, so I will keep mine brief. Whatever method of discipline you and your husband choose, be consistent with it. Consistency and patience are key ingredients in raising children, and of course love.

Hi L.,

I have 2 boys, ages 4 and 6. My 6 year old can be incredibly stubborn and strong-willed. He is also incredibly intelligent. I have found that what works with him is to give him some empowerment. E.g. "I know you are a smart boy and can do these things by yourself." Or "I know that you can make better choices because you are a good boy." These sorts of messages make him want to do well. Also, I have learned that his rebellion is often a request for more responsibility: time for me to let him make more of his own choices and show me that he could be trusted. I started letting him stay up later and trusted him to turn off his own light at 8:00 pm (which he always does). I asked him to help make breakfast for his younger brother. I have found that his behavior improves dramatically when I put him in a position to show what he can do. Last and maybe unrelated, I have found that bad behavior increases dramatically in proportion with how much TV he watches. Good luck!

Two words Consistency and Consequence. Find what he loves and take it away. Explain to him that if he does not do what he is told he will loose TV, Story Time, Etc. Whatever you know he loves to do take it away. Yelling does not work as you can see they learn to tune you out. However, when they loose something they love to do you usually can get their attention. Be prepared for some tears but you have to follow through or he really won't take you seriously. My philosophy is to pick your battles and when you do make sure you win. Remember he is 4 and you are the adult so "Who's the Boss"!! I know it is difficult however teaching your children to listen, to be respectful, and setting boundaries in my opinion shows our children we love them and care about what they are doing and how they are doing it. If he refuses to brush his teeth don't fight him just put him right into bed no story, no tv and stick to it. I can almost guarantee the next time you ask him to brush his teeth he will do it. If he doesn't do the same thing. Try not to change things around to much with the discipline. You and your husband should decide together how you will handle the situations so you can be united. Give it a little time and it will straighten out. This is the part of parenting that stinks, but once you gain control you will find you will not have to keep fighting the battles eventually he will realize you mean business. Remember to also comment on his good behavior. When you see him doing something positive make a fuss, reward him with a big hug. You don't want to constantly be on him for misbehaving. Good luck!!

I too am going through the same thing. My 3 1/2 year old is the same way. I just feel drained and I find myself yearning for bed time. I have two other children 10 years old and 3 1/2 months old. I didn't go through this with my first. I am at a loss too. Right now I am trying red, yellow and green light. When he is in yellow it is time out, red is him up to his room and if he finishing his day in green he gets an extra story read to him. So far (its been about a week) he hasn't left yellow and red.

So I guess what am trying to get at is I am really curious about what advice you get and also to let you know you are not alone.