Disciplining a One Year Old

I had a neice like that & we just did to her what she did to every one else. She hit- we hit, she take - we take, she bite - we bite (not hard), she throw a fit- we throw a fit. Basically we did what she did to us & she didn't like it at all & eventually she stopped! Good luck to you & be BLESSED!

I have learned a lot from the book, Easy to Love Difficult to Discipline, by Becky Bailey. It might not work for you, but it helped me learn a little bit about reacting to my son and his temperment.

My son will be two in May. You are not alone in this I have the same issues. My oldest was and still is an angel. So this has been tough on us too. They all go through a hitting phase and what I have done is tell him "no hitting" while grabbing his arm firm (not hard) I make a sad or crying expression on my face and tell him "love Mommy" hug him, kiss him, and explain love with a happy expression. This took SEVERAL times (as they enjoy having the power to make you react) but eventually they get it. Also, if he still continued to hit I remove him or myself from the situation. Mommy is all done playing if you won't play nice. We don't hit. He still will occasionally hit if he is frustrated but will usually hug (apologize in his way) when he calms down. I also try to give him words for his emotions. EX. you are angry that you can't play with that camera. That is Mommy's but lets find something for you to play with. Redirection at this age is really the best discipline. Good luck!

Hi J., my son did the same thing at that age. I tried everything! But the only thing that worked is this (i believe I read it in the book "Children the Challenge" by a psychologist): When your daughter starts to hit you or pinch you, say to her with a smile on your face and an excited, happy voice, "Oh! You want to play the hitting game (or pinching game)!!" And then kind of slap her hard enough (or pinch her) to where it hurts and not on her face of course, but maybe on the arm. At first she'll kind of look at you either mad or surprised. If she continues to hit you, say it again and slap her arm (or pinch her) a little harder. Eventually she'll decide she does NOT want to play the "hitting game" or "pinching game," that it's not that much fun. I did this maybe 2-3 different times to my son when he started hitting me and then he stopped completely. The difference between this and hitting your daughter back in anger to "teach her a lesson" is that you have a smile on your face and say that it's a game. Again, she WILL decide she does not like the game. I know it sounds strange, but it worked for me and for my sister and her child as well. But be sure to say it in a cheerful voice. Otherwise, she'll just get mad and continue to hit. Let me know if it works!

I believe in natural discipline as much as possible. If you think through natural consequences, what happens when someone is mean all their lives? Most people avoid being around nasty people. We don't purposely put ourselves in their paths. If it happens to be someone that is married to us, we will likely leave them. Nasty people end up alone and lonely. So when do they learn to be nasty? Do people just get up in the morning and decide that today I will be mean to anyone that comes in my path? I don't think so. I think it's a learned habit that snow balls. They act bad when they are young and they are not effectively stopped. And frankly, I'm not sure it matters how they are stopped as much as the fact that they simply need to be stopped. Anyway, they act bad, the kids at school are mean right back. Some people that are not properly disciplined and talked to about what is happening will end up feeling sorry for themselves and become angry about the bad treatment they feel they are getting. It may never be made clear to them that they brought it on themselves so they become more angry and more bitter as they age. The more angry and bitter they become the worse their behavior becomes. That's how we end up with seriously screwed up people that are narsascitic and evil.

So back to the 1 year old. Separate them EVERY time they do this and make each separation longer than the last. Even though you don't think they understand you, talk to them like they do. Explain to them that they are alone, playing alone, eating alone etc, because they were mean. Tell them that no one wants to be around a mean person. You would be surprised how early they learn language and when they begin to understand. I can tell you that even though all kids grow and develop on their own time table, they will always understand more than we think and sooner than we think it.

I have a little one sitting at the table at this moment with nothing to play with because this little one has a terrible habit of breaking toys. This little one will be told repeatedly why they are at the table and I absolutely do believe in something sort of like time out. I don't think there has to be or should be a set amount of time. Each child and each offense needs to be handled appropriately for that child. If a child does the same individual offense over and over in the same day, then the 2-3 minute time out the so called experts are NOT WORKING. So for that one offense, the times get longer and longer. BUT, if they do something entirely unrelated in the middle of the day, then I wouldn't put them in a long time out. Does that make sense?

So the same logic applies from one day to the other. If we are dealing with the same offense over and over each day, then I'm not going to treat the 3rd or 4th day in the week the same as the first. The time outs for that particular behavioral problem will start longer first thing in the morning because by now they have turned it into a battle of the wills. They want to see if their will or our will is stronger. I'm here to tell you that if you want your children to grow up and be liked by the rest of the world, you BETTER have a stronger will than they do.

I'm also hear to tell you that little ones NEED to feel that they are disciplined. Kids are unhappy in unstructured environments. This new direction child rearing is taking where parents are afraid to discipline their kids is much more abusive and neglectful than anything the movement is supposedly trying to eliminate or avoid.

Suzi

I had this same problem with my little boy and then my little boy. I think it's very natural. They just want our attention and will do what ever it takes to get it (good or bad). What worked for me was rewarding good behavior. We have a photo on the fridge of each child and put stickers on the "chart" every time they do something good. (sharing with sibling, cleaning up...) After a time period we make a production of counting how many stickers they have and they get a "reward" for the number of stickers. In my house, they get a penny for every sticker what ever you come up with I'm sure will work too. We also take off stickers for bad behavior. In addition to going to time out for biting, I make a production of taking off a sticker... "That's so sad. You just lost a sticker for biting..." It has REALY worked for me and I'm happy to say they get more stickers than they lose. Hope this helps!

start early and be consistent. you might have to put her in her bed for time out-but whatever you do - do it everytime she hits or bites. remove her from the fun and stay calm-say very little and walk out of her room.try and say positive things like - we play nice, we touch gentle.biting hurts.

it's a good idea to have the other kids act lovingly. my 3 yr old did the same thing starting at 1. my other one was younger so it was harder to get her to be an example.

does she have a favorite toy that you can put in time out? avoid the word No. you might show her what gentle is and use that word when she's doing something. don't give in and give her the toy.

my older one would cry and she learned that she got a reaction and attention for it at 1. we started showing attention to the older one when it would happen-hugging her and kissing her owie in front of the younger one. it was a very hard 2 years! my first never had anyone to have conflicts with. giving positive attention for being good seems to work the best with us now. they don't understand sharing at 1, but it doesn't hurt to start using the word. good luck!!

One other note- you might get "discipline w/ love and logic", there are several. I like the short version - the Pearls. I wish I would've started reading it when they were 1.

James Dobson wrote a book "Dare to Discipline". I'd recommend it.

I know you are in a frustrating situation. And it's easier to let it go than to discipline. I pray you will find the right way with your daughter!

I would suggest googling "toddler discipline". I just did and there is a wealth of suggestions which may be helpful.

Here's a Q&A I found online, which isn't exactly your situation, but may help a little:

"Distraction often the best discipline for toddlers
By Dr. James Dobson

Published December 16, 2004

QUESTION: Please describe the best approach to the discipline of a 1-year-old child.

DR. DOBSON: Many children will begin to gently test the authority of their parents as they approach their first birthday. The confrontations will be minor and infrequent at first, yet the beginnings of future struggles can be seen. My own daughter, for example, challenged her mother for the first time when she was 9 months old.

My wife was waxing the kitchen floor when Danae crawled to the edge of the linoleum. Shirley said, "No, Danae," gesturing to the child not to enter the kitchen. Since our daughter began talking very early, she clearly understood the meaning of the word no. Nevertheless, she crawled straight onto the sticky wax. Shirley picked her up and set her down in the doorway, while saying, "no" even more strongly as she put her down. Seven times this process was repeated until Danae finally yielded and crawled away in tears.

As far as we can recall, that was the first direct confrontation of wills between my daughter and wife. Many more were to follow.

How does a parent discipline a 1-year-old? Very carefully and gently! A child at this age is easy to distract and divert. Rather than jerking a wristwatch from his hands, show him or her a brightly colored alternative - and then be prepared to catch the watch when it falls. When unavoidable confrontations do occur, as with Danae on the waxy floor, win them by firm persistence but not by punishment. Have the courage to lead the child without being harsh or mean or gruff."

I can see that you love your little girl, and you will do fine as you, your husband and your other children work together to help her find her boundaries and what is acceptable behavior.

Hi J.,

First thing in whatever discipline you are gonna use you have to be consistent. That means everytime she does something. You are doing right by putting her in time out and let her know it hurts and that is not nice. Start communicationg to her that it hurst and you now have a boo boo. And she needs to say sorry. Also when you tell her no make sure you are talking to her in a low tone, stern voice. Make sure it is different from your I'm happy with you voice. Also make sure you facial expression matches what you are saying. To know for sure practice in the mirror, like you are telling her no and look at your face.

My one year old little guy has started pulling hair. He does it and laughs. I am not sure why. What I have done is to tell him that we don't pull hair and we should be gentle. Then, we almost pet the hair to show him what gentle is. He still pulls hair and giggles, but it is becoming less frequent. Instead, if you are looking sad or upset, he actually comes over and pets your head. It is too funny. I haven't done time out with him yet either. He is only 16 months old and I am afraid wouldn't get it. My daughter used to sit in time out for 1 minute starting about 18 months. That cured her of whatever she was starting. Just remember that at this age (really for a long time from now) your child won't have any self control. They know it is wrong, but have no self control to stop. My daughter used to love (who am I kidding - still loves) to jump on the couch, but it is forbidden. When she was about 2, she was jumping on the couch saying "no, no no no no" b/c she knew she wasn't supposed to, but she couldn't help it. I had to leave the room a minute to laugh b/c it was so cute. Try redirection and then follow up with time out. To get her to understand time out though is hard. only 1 minute will do the trick. You have to keep putting her back there until she knows she has to stay. Good luck! She is not being spiteful or trying to hurt others and she has no self control (these are not excuses or tickets to keep going, just something to keep in mind when you get too frustrated by it all)

The best way to discipline her when she bits, hits, etc. is do it to her. Not to the point that it leaves a mark, but so she gets the idea that if she doesn't like it then she shouldn't do it to others. Upon doing it to her ask her, "do you like it when I do it to you?". More than likely she'll say no, then tell her then don't do it to others.

She is doing these things for attention. Do not give her even "bad" attention. You might want to try EVERY TIME she does any of the things you describe, calmly say "No Bite" or what ever she did. Say nothing else to her and pick her up. Calmly take her to her crib or some place safe and away from the action. Make sure she has no toys to play with there. Walk away where she can't see you but you are within hearing distance. When she calms down let her out. She will quickly learn that her behavior is not getting her the attention she wants. Time outs with some children and especially 1 year olds don't work. What ever you choose be consistent and stay calm. Good luck!

Jenninfer,

I am a mom of 4 (5,4,2, and 6months). My 2 year old was the same way. Unfortunately, your daughter is probably too young to really understand time out. I would try, which is easier said than done, but just keep firmly telling her no biting, hitting, etc(That way she knows exactly what she isnt suppose to do.) and then redirect her to something else. It will take awhile, but eventually it should help. Good luck!

My father always told me if the your child bites you bite back and if your child hits you hit back, let your child see you bite back and when your child crys, you tell your child why you had to bite and hit back. And when your child take thing that don't belong to your child, squeeze your childs hands and say no everytime your child does this. Even though my kids are all grown they will tell you "mom had a belt. If we hit, she would hit us with the belt which she called 'Mr. Fixit'. That is what I did. If you don't nip this in the butt, your child will run your house hold. I was raised old school. When you did wrong you were punished by the entire family from mom and dad to aunts and uncles. I hope this helps.

K.M.
Mother of three,13,14,16.

Hi J.,
Here's my take...your one year old is doing what comes perfectly natural to a one year old. (Some kids are compliant, some are strong willed--she sounds like the latter!) So, yes, you definately need to discipline her when she does what you tell her not to do. (She may not know why it's wrong to hit, poke or bite, but she definately is old enough to understand when mommy says not to do those things.)
**The key is consistency. Time out will work for one year olds, but you have to be willing to pick her up and put her back in time out 79 times in a row if that's what it takes. I'm serious. It might be hard, but you have to decide that dinner can wait another hour, or hubby can take over household management on the night of battle. This is definately a battle worth winning b/c it means a world of difference for all other mishaps in the future. 79 turns into 60, then 30, then 18, then maybe 3 times of putting her back. Also, you have to completely ignore her screams, tantrums, whining, crying, during the time-out battle. Everyone has to. When she finally is done (wore out), explain why she was in time out, give her a hug and kiss, and be ready for the next battle. She will be ready to test you at every chance she gets. Also, give her one minute for each year in age. Finally, remember discipline is love. She will test you b/c that's what kids do, and when she gets the boundaries from you CONSISTENTLY, she will feel relieved to know what to expect from mom at all times. Kids really do need and want boundaries--the tantrums and tears just come with the territory--just know that it doesn't hurt her (just everyone else to hear it--but it's worth it for a well adjusted kid in the future.
Good luck, and maybe buy some earplugs.
Angie

when she takes something, take it from her and tell her "don't take, it's mean" and be consistent with this. But also point it out to her when she is playing nicely "thank you that's how we play nice"

when she bites or hurts another child in any way, give her time out in a play pin if you can, in another room, so that she does not have fun on time out, and understands she bites or hurts again, she has to go back to the pin. and be consistent with this. "no hurting, ouch!"

Give her lots of attention when she is playing nicely and SHOW her how to play nicely. Teach her how to say please and ask for toys, and to wait her turn.

I run in-home child care with two 1-yr-olds (one is mine), two 2-yr-olds (one is mine), a 5-yr-old, and an infant. Don't expect instant results, just keep being consistent, without showing her that it makes you angry.

Just some advice!!! My 2-yr-old is the mean one in my bunch.... he ALWAYS particualry 'bugs' my other 2-yr-old, he takes her special balnky, takes her sippy cup, takes everything from her....... I tried to teach him no........ what I eventually had to do was explain to the other 2-yr-old that he was doing that because of how she reacted.... she didn't understand that really but I have been working on her reaction when it happens by guiding her, and now he leaves her alone...

When he would take it I would first discipline his actions (I tell him "we dont take, we play nice" and tell him to give it back to her or he gets time-out) then I would turn to the 2-yr-old victim and say, "is it alright if matthew plays with your blanky? do you want to play with matthew? I think he wants to play with you" then they end up playing together and get along great....... he just likes her attention whether it's bad or good... so I got her to give him good attention so that he doesn't have to seek the wrong kind of attention.

your girl sounds like she likes the attention she gets for being bad, too

I highly recommend a course in LOVE AND LOGIC. It sounds like she might need a little time away. "If you cannot be nice to others then you cannot play." Put her in her room until she calms down. Let her out only after she is not crying and you have given yourself and her a few minutes to calm down. After you let her out if she continues the same behavior just gently pick her up, and deposit her back in her room. Love and Logic does not recommend spanking, but, I do. She is only 1 year old but, look at what she has learned already!
Partly it seems to make it easier for me if I can compare their actions now with real life. As parents in this culture we tend to keep our children from feeling consequences. How can they learn and have any sense without feeling consequences. It is hard to discern. I will pray for you.
As an adult what would happen to her if she walked up and bit someone? I know that may seem a little ridiculous. As responsible adults we know that we don't always get what we want and that sometimes you bow out to let another person have it. But, it is easy to look around and see those adults that still think they should be the center of the world and everyone needs to LET them do what they want. They are above the law and social courtesies. God bless your endeavors with these little ones!!

I am a 53 year old grandmother of 3 grandsons and 3 granddaughters, having raised 4 wonderful daughters who are all happily married and have children of their own now. My question is "Do you believe in spankings?" because if you don't, you won't want to read the rest, but just understand that most of what your child will learn about "cause and effect" will happen in their first 5 years of her life. If you don't start now with being firm and quick to punish, you will actually be teaching her that it's ok to push, pull, poke, pinch, bite and other bullying behaviors because all you did was to talk/scold her and put her in a "time out". I think most kids learn to tune out parents if there is no threat of pain to them. I use "threat" here literally because a threat needs to be followed through with quickness and finality if the child does not obey or it's just a "threat". Besides a child of one yr does not understand "time outs" as the "cause" of what they just did. It doesn't come fast enough and their limited vocabulary keeps them from understanding much of what you are telling them. So even if you're lucky enough to catch her at it and quickly put her in "time out" it probably won't be fast enough for her to associate it with the misbehavior. Whereas a swat on the bottom, as the action takes place or immediately after, is going to say to her "ouch!, maybe that wasn't worth the fun of pushing over my sister/brother" or whatever the child has done to hurt someone else. As far as you're not having had to punish her siblings at this young age, all 4 of my daughters were very different from one another. I used spankings with all of them but started at different ages and with differing amounts and even severity. I also used counting to 5 with all of them, with 5 meaning a spanking was coming. They all quickly learned to respond by 2 or 3, which was great when you're out in public and don't want to make a scene, or when you are in a hurry to go somewhere and they are trying to use their power of slowness to control the situation. I eventually got to the place where I wouldn't have to count out loud, just start putting my fingers up, which is also great in public.
Just this last weekend while babysitting I had to use this with my 4 yr old grandson. His mother obviously uses this method also because when the grandson tried ignoring my call to get ready to leave to go shopping, which he didn't want to do, immediately jumped up and started getting ready to go as soon as I said "One!" What a joy that was!
Another thing to know is to pick your battles carefully as somethings are best to be averted while other situations are definite opportunities to teach "cause and effect". You don't want to frustrate your child with constant spankings, although sometimes it may feel like that even to you. Don't give up and give in. This is your child and no one else is going to do it for you. She has such a short time with you to learn these things that will effect her the rest of her life.
Next, but actually first, pray alot for wisdom and search the scriptures for answers. What I have said is stuff God has already told us in the bible so if you read, and pray and seek out God's wisdom He will remind you all that's necessary in the time of need.
God bless your disciplining endeavors!

J.,
I have three children and they are the same ages as yours.
My youngest daughter is definitely going to be our "hand full".
We have been sending her to the corner when she is mean or has a fit. It is working really well so far... Every child is different, maybe start with that.

Hi J.:

I agree that you need to be consistent when you discipline your child. repetition is the key. You may sound like a broken record but it will help. A firm (not harsh) no is good. when she does it tell no we don't hit, no we don't bite. Getting down to their level (for eye contact is also a good thing when talking to them). HAve her say sorry when you are done talking to her.

Smile,
T.

Hi J..
I am a mother of 4 and a grandmother of one so far! I am also a educator. Only I choose to stay home and educate my own kids.
When they went through this phase, I did to them what they did to others. I did it in a controled manor. If they pulled hair, I pulled their hair so they can see that it hurt. If they bit, I bit them just enough to show that it can hurt someone. Same with pinching. If they pushed, they got time out. Since she is so young, set her on your lap but do not interact with her. Or set her in a special time out area. Only for the same amount of time as she is old. Age 1 gets one minute time out. If she gets up or plays around while in time out, she has to set there longer. A timer works well. Then she can get up and tell the person sorry and hug them.
I found that if they don't know that it hurts they just keep doing it. I did not bite or pull hair out of anger, I talked with them and explained that it was wrong and hurt, This is how it feels. Do you like it? Now tell them you are sorry and don't do it again. IF they did it again, I not only bit back but they also got time out. Double wammy!
J. B

I work with one year-olds in a child care setting and have a master's degree in early childhood education. I know that different strategies work for different children, and that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. However, I read the other responses and I absolutely do not recommend that you do back to them what they did. As a teacher, I would be fired for this. Although they do feel what it feels like, it teaches them that it is acceptable. They look to adults and caregivers as role models. If you hurt back, then they learn it is ok. Also, it teaches them that if someone hurts them, it's ok to hurt that child back. A toddler has a lot to learn, and learning how to handle things appropriately is one of them. Istead of doing it back, you can teach your daughter an acceptable way of handling her emotions. Toddlers can begin to use words: "No," "That hurts," "I'm angry," or "I don't like it."Each time she hurts someone, get on her level, firmly say "That hurts when you pull his hair. You need to use your words if you're angry." Keep it short and to the point, then redirect her to another area of the room. I know you said she does not do it out of anger, so this may be a time when she is testing her limits to find out what is acceptable and what is not. Now is when you teach her what her limits are. Biting, hitting, and hurting back do not teach a child what to do INSTEAD when they have strong emotions. Time out was traditionallty meant to give a child a break from a stressful, emotion-filled situation, not as a punishment. Parents today use it as a punishment and I do not a gree with it. It may eventually teach a child that what they did is wrong, but most of the time, especially young toddlers, cannot associate a time-out with what they did a few minutes ago. It also doesn't teach them stragegies about how to act appropriately next time. I hope this helps. You can send me a note if you want some more detailed information about how to handle the situation individually to your daughter. I work with parents a lot and we could talk about this more if you would like.

When my sons hit I make them give the person that they hit "nice touches". Until they learn this I take their hand and show them what nice touches are, such as stroking the arm that they hit or giving a hug, and they still get time out after that. When they get out of time out I make them go say sorry. I really try to stress that we do not put our hands on anyone in an angry way.

try putting in her high chair without the tray where you can strap her in (for her safety) and use that as time out. if you use the tray she will put that with eating and not want to be put in when it is time to eat.

I don't Know how to help you but wold love to see your responses as I have the same problem with my 14 month old granddaughter she is the older by 1 minute of a set of twins they have no older siblings so that is not a facter but she bullys her brother and takes his toys if she knows he is going for a certain toy she will rush to get it 1st. she hits him or pushes him when he is playing with something she wants, and throws a temper fit if I pick him up 1st instead of her. I watch them during the day while my daughter is at work.

I enjoyed reading all the wonderful advice posted her because I have a strong-willed 1 yo myself. The only thing I would add is that when raising my son at this same stage I read to focus the majority of the attention on the victim rather than the offender (your daughter) because much of the behavior is attention seeking.

Make sure that the victim is alright, hug, kiss, take care of his or her needs first and then return to the offender and take care of the discipline measures that you choose to use.

I concur, however, that consistency is the key. My son is EXTREMELY strong-willed, and he lived to be 4...somehow! :-) Now, he knows that when his dad or I say something we mean it. I trust him to do what I say, but it took 3 long years to get here! Good luck...you are going to need it...along with perseverence, patience, and maybe a mommy time out or two!

At 1, you can't really discipline them. You can tell them no, but they're memories aren't that long yet so they won't know the next time they do something wrong. At this point I think all you can do is try to correct their behavior.

At age 1, she is not developmentally ready to understand logic or reasoning. If you hit or bite back, she will know that it hurts, but she isn't yet able to make the connection that she caused the same pain to you, so this technique will not be effective. If she bites, you can immediately pick her up, firmly say "no!" or "ouch!" and remove her from the person she bit. You will have to do this over and over, because it will take her awhile to realize that biting=separation or an interruption in her play. You can show her how to touch gently, but you have to model this immediately after the behavior, or she won't make the connection. These kinds of higher-level reasoning skills come much later. Time out doesn't work at this age, either, unless you use it more as a way to take her away from the situation to calm down, rather than a punishment. Redirection, modeling a more appropriate behavior, and lots of positive physical contact are the best ways to teach a 1 year old how to interact appropriately. Encouraging your other kids to play calmly and less physically with her is a good thing to try, too. Good luck!