for the last month or two my son has been terrible. he is arguementative when asked to do his two chorus around the house. he is continually telling me that he is 18 now and he doesnt have to do what ever or i cant ground him or take his cell phone away. he is a senior on school and i try to let him have some freedom but it is to the point that if i want the didhes done he will start on them then go to bed early and say he will do them tomarrow. it is when it is conveniante for him, or when he is ready to. how am i suppose to get thru to him and how can i ground him. he stands 4-6 " over me and some times it is a face off. he also has ADD and has refused to take his medication at school which has led to low grades and fighting about that. the school can force him to take his medication because he is 18 and they saay they have other students to give meds to, that he has to be responsible to come and take it. but when i speak to him about it he says he doesnt want to take it and he wont. i am at my wits end.
i want to thank everyone for there ersponse, but let me answer a few questions. first my priorities are staight. my childern are by far are most important in my life but it isnt that simple. the phone is a prepay phone that his grand mother got him for christmas and that is why he says i cant take it, because i didnt buy it, however i have added money- time to it and that will stop. secondly, he doesnt have a job because i will not pay for ins when he doesnt have grades to warrent the extra money, plus we had gave him a car but he sold it to buy another one which fell through and the money got spent. so no car or job. but he has friends that take him every where. he refuses to go to a councelor, i have tried to get him to one. oh ya, his birth father died when he was a baby so he never knew him and having had him when i was 17, i have taken him thru a couple different relationships. my first husband which he considered his dad, i was married to and had another child with, was an abusive alcoholic and doesnt see the kids since the divorce many yrs ago. my next relationship i lived with for 7 yrs and he got close to him but he was not the best role model either. and now my husband is like a big kid and sometimes they get along and sometimes they dont but my husband is more concerned w/ his own kids that do not live w/ us and doesnt treat his and mine the same. i have a younger brother(by 1.5 yrs of me) that i use to call to talk to him but he is having issues of his own w/ his family that he doesnt have time. my son is close to my mom and step dad that they try to talk to him but they dont see everything i do and frankly think i exadrate his behavior. and she keeps saying "well you and your brother use to do this or that"- if i had said or did 1/2 of this to my mom i wouldnt of had teeth. but u cant disapline kids like u use to, and kids know it and they want to call the cops on you for yelling, or whatever. food alternatives will not work for my son because he only eats protein and carbs. he is not eating many vegs of friuts presently. meat and potatoes and noodles. next he has enlisted for the army. he leaves for boot camp in july. i try to tell him that they wont put up with that but he insists that he can take it from any one but me. the ;ast week has been better but i am just waiting till report cards come out and he getts grounded and he starts in again. although i have i think convinced him to take his pill at school. oh ya, we have tried the extended release pills but they dont work long enough for him. again thanks for all the imput. i was amiazed by the response. i dont feel so alone now.
Its time to get him some help. Get him into a couselor. Don't let him get by with this take it from someone who know You will be called every name in the book.I have one just like that .
Dear C.:
I completely understand were you are coming from. My children are now 24 and 22. But it seems that all children say the same thing when they turn 18...."I am an adult and you cant tell me what to do." This is what I told my children when that occured. I told them that they would have to pay rent, fix their own supper, do their own laundry, and all that other stuff that comes with being an adult. It didnt take them long to figure out that doing a few chores around the house wasnt so bad. Having the car to drive also was a great incentive. My son had his own car, (which he paid for himself) but my daughter had to use my car. Sure was funny to see the look on her face when I told her that I was using MY car on Saturday night. I was very calm in explaining the facts to them and it worked for the most part. As for your son taking his meds, that is a hard call. My daughter has to take alot of medicine as well and when she got to a certain age it was her call. She knew the results of not taking it. Maybe telling your son that bad grades are not going to get him into college will give him a moment of thought. Does he plan on going to college? If he has already been accepted, that college is basing it on his academic record and they will also recieve his senoir grades after graduation. Doesnt look to good if there is a big change in grades.
Just hang in there and keep the lines of communication open. That is the most important thing at this age. Talk to him like an adult, but also let him know that he must act like one in order to be treated like one.
Good luck!
V.
Yes, he is 18 but he does still live at home. And you can take his cell phone away. Look to whatever is important to him and take that away. Cell phone, driving priviledges, video games. Our son is 18 and paid for his own car, but we have told him that we pay for the insurance and yes we can take the keys away. (Thank goodness we haven't had to do that, yet!) As long as he lives with you, he needs to obey your rules. I know this is easier said than done. I'll be praying for you.
well here is what i would do,if I am paying the cell phone bill I can have it turned off and would if he does not follow thru with his chore etc, they are hard to ground at that age so maybe dealing with him like you would an adult,if he wants to be treated as an adult he must act as one,they learn its not as easy as it sounds,like getting a part time job after school and hoildays and keeping it if he does not then he would only get necessities from me food clothing shelter,no video games etc,
as to his meds maybe a trip to the dr to be sure the meds are still being of value to him,he may need a change in doseage or type,maybe the meds make him feel out of the loop has he said why he does not want to take them
hope this helps some
H.
Yikes, you must be stressed beyond belief. Yeah, being 18 gives him legal status as an adult, but that's only if he chooses to live on his own and be responsible for all of his own bills, etc. All of that goes out the window if he chooses to remain in your home. If he pays for his own cell phone service, the really, you have little right (in my opinion of course) to take it away from him. However, if the phone is in your name, or you pay the bills, you have every right to cancel the service. Same with the car - if he paid for it, and it's technically his, you can't really take it away... Ultimately you need to crack down on him, and if he's not willing to live under someone else's rules, send him to his father, or give him a month to get his own apartment. He may realize really fast that being a legal adult, doesn't make him one in reality. Best of luck!
I have 3 sons 17, 15, 8 and my boys are twice my size except the 8 year old. You must remember that you are the parent and if he wants to do what he wants to do give him a choice either obey your rules or he is on his own.
He must find a job and if he does not like your rules than he may find his own place and start his own rules. Sometimes as parents we may feel quilty about this but he is 18 and if you lose control over your household the other children will not start listening.
As for his meds ground them and put it in his food when he eats. This is probably the big cause of his attitude.
My son thought that he could do what he wanted just because he graduated from High School (17) - I told him
your dad and me are in control of this household and if he did not like it he may start his own.
I love my kids dearly even if they are bigger we the parents but just continue talking to him try not to yell.
Good Luck
I am a firm believer in "You live under my roof you live by my rules" Now don't get me wrong, I am not a rigid, rules freak, but as we have told our two older ones we have a standard for behavior that is not negotiable. If they are happy with the living arrangements we have in our home then they need to be willing to accept and live up to that standard (i.e. doing their chores, abiding by curfews, respecting out authority etc). However, if they find that standard unacceptable, then they need to find other living arrangements. It is hard for them to be 18 because now they think they are adults....hahahaha......and they will test the waters of indipendence. Don't be afraid to go nose-to-nose on occasion. He wants to know if the standard has changed now that he is 18. If he knows that there are some hings you will not back down on, then he'll find something else to challenge. As for his cell, do you pay for it or does he? If you do,you can by all means take it away! And the car, and anything else you pay for that he uses. If he wants to do what he wants to do, let him do it on his own dime ;) This is a tough age! I have been through it once already (and lived to tell about it!) and am going through it again. Maybe the third time will be a charm LOL! Good luck and never let them smell fear haha!
First you need to call the school and inform them of the law, that as long as he in enrolled at that school they must abide by the presctibing Dr. and give the medication to him. If he refuses to take the medication then he can deal with the consequences. As for as the lack of enthusiam for the housework ---
dont ask any more for his help and simply don't ask him for anything else for that matter. Treat him like a tenant.
When dinner time rolls around, don't put a place setting for him. Laundry--keep a separate basket for him with his own detergent and simply erase his luxuries and DO NOT flinch when questioned. Go along your business and in time he will be a new person. The more you hound him the worse it will get. But you must first promise yourself you will stick with this and not give in this change of behavior within a few days it will take a few weeks...Just hold your course and he will come back to you in time.
The day that my then-19 year old daughter said to me that she "didn't understand why she had to live with her mother and still pay rent" (I was asking $50 a week), was the day I told her to go find somewhere else to live where she could get food, bed, roof, laundry facility, electricity, cable, phone.... and good luck finding it for what I was charging.
He is still living in your house, he still needs to participate as a functional part of your family unit - he needs to pitch in or there should be some harsh consequences.
Dear C.--First of all mama, it is your house. And now that he is 18 he is a guest there. Regardless of his size or any excuse he is giving you is not acceptable. Sometimes with teenagers-it is tough love. Does your husband support the relationship between the both of you and he is also a disciplinarian? You have to put your foot down now and he has to abide or you are going to have to do something drastic and sometimes that is the only alternative. He has total disrespect for you and the family which is unacceptable. Obviously he thinks that he can get away with it. Your house, your rules and if he does straighten up you may have to think about telling him he got to go. It is not fair to you or your other family members. RESPECT, you are his only mother and he needs to know that you wear the pants in the family and your door is not open to this behavior. Get with the program or leave. Yes-he is an adult and he needs to act like one. He is just taking advantage of you and that is not what being an 18 year old man is about.
I know this sounds very very harsh but he is leaving you no other alternative. I have 4 children and with running a daycare for so many years I have been privy to every situation. Its tough but stick to your expectations and morals. You have to be strong and you can do it!!
T.
The older the child the more the responsibility. But you also have bigger things you can take away for behaviors. Keys to the car jumps to my mind first. My son is a Senior in high school and has to keep his grades high enough for the good student discount on our auto insurance. If he doesn't keep the grades, he loses driving privileges until they are back up. Sounds like he thinks he can control you with his behaviors but you are still in charge, and yes you can take away his cell phone and other privileges like game systems, TV in his room, phone use etc. He may really benefit from some mentoring from a male role model. A married couple you look up to and respect their parenting style? Or a church pastor who can come alongside him and demonstrate how to step up as the 'man' in the house and show respect for mom by taking on some of the household responsibilities without grumbling about it. When you see positve behaviors, reward them by making his favorite meal or taking him out for a one on one lunch to chat and catch up on his life. Maybe you could have his doctor speak to him about the importance of taking his meds. I have 2 boys with ADD and they've both gone through the phases of not thinking they help. Maybe he could be taking a time released med that you watch him take in the morning and then he's done for the day?
He's 18? Did you tell him you're the parent and he does have to listen. If he doesn't do his chores you most certainly can take his phone or anything else. He lives under YOUR roof! When he can support himself in his own place, he won't have to listen...then he'll just miss you. (who's paying for that phone?). You can't allow him to intiminate you because of his size. Is his father in his life? That could be a problem also. Teens need both parents so I hope his blood dad stays connected or has the sense to give the boy good advice. Good luck mom
Probably the most important thing to remember with them (teens) is to keep yourself calm. Role model for him. Don't let him see you get worked up and yell. Talk to him like an adult about his responsibilities and your real concerns. Offer him counseling. If all of this still doesn't help... Remember that unless he completely supports himself, there is a lot of control that you still have. Teens need money. Tell him that unless he follows some rules, you aren't paying for.. his phone, clothes, etc. Do this calmly - not in the middle of a fight. Hope this helps. I have a "strong-willed" 16 year old daughter, so I can understand some of what you are dealing with.
I have a 24 for year old son. 18 year olds are a challenge because they are scared about leaving the school world and starting the work world. I feel that it is late to be forcing him to do things at home and school. The ADD has some to do with the behavior. I would try counseling for the family. I would tell him it is time to pay rent. He also has to pay for your services like cooking, utilities, laundry, driving him etc. If he thinks he is an adult that you cannot tell what to do. Make him a responsible adult. He is not a baby so respect and rent are do. Let him see how hard it is. Do not feel sorry for him.
My kids knew from the start of high school, start a p/t job when grades are good, car & insurance help only when grades are above C. When they graduate, out you go, your own place to live, pay your own bills. If college is i the picture, you pay on your own for tuition and I'll have the roof over your head, but you pay for your extras. 2 kids graduated college, all 8 have their own roofs ove their heads, pay their own bills. 2 of the boys are 6" over me and know life is what you make of it. Me & my 2nd husband grew up on the farm, you learn to maintain with what you have.
I am a licensed professional counselor. Have you considered getting him some kind of counseling? He really needs to take his meds. If he won't listen to you then maybe a counselor can offer some support for not only your son but for you too. I would look into it. As for the discipline, I think that if he still lives in your home, you can absolutely provide consequences if he doesn't follow the rules but you need to develop those consequences and be consistent in giving them.
I couldn't agree more with these other moms. It is your house - if he wont give you the cell phone - call the carrier and cancel it even if it's just temporary. Tell them your son lost his phone and until it's found you don't want anyone else to use it which will give you some time. Keys to the car is another very efficient tool. All of these things you do for him or give to him are not mandated. TV in the room, video games, computer etc. All of these things are easily taken away.
Get the book "Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids will Talk, by Mazlish and Faber...available at your library or bookstore....
After reading that, and applying the principles, call and make an appointment with me...or if you can wait...I am giving a free 2 session workshop on May 3 and May 10, in the afternoons at Rush North Shore Medical Center...
R. Katz, Psy.D.
www.richardkatz.org
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Hi C.,
I hate to be blunt but, who's the parent here. Do you pay for the cell phone? Call and have it disconnected. Does he have a gaming system that you pay the electricity for? Take it away. Once he starts to show some responsibility and trust, he can get back his things. Kids are really given way to many privaledges and freedoms that they don't deserve because we don't want to hurt their feelings. At age 18, you are not required, by law, to provide anything for him. You can give him a hint by packing up his stuff and putting it on the front lawn. He's 18 right? That means he can support himself. I have younger kids but even they know that if they leave laundry laying around and not put away or in the hamper, it ends up on our driveway for all the neighbors to see, underwear and all! This had to happen only twice before they got the hint that I wasn't messing around. Again, I'm sorry to be so blunt but sometimes that's what it takes to give someone the courage to step up. Good Luck.
hi sorry that yur goin thru that but i have four daughters 21,19,18,13 and been there done that the best advice i could give u and hope you take it for your own good is NEVER compromise with a child that is living under your roof i dnt care if he is 45 if hes under your roof he has to do exactly what you say or he will shame you in the end and you will wonder where did i go wrong i let him do whatever he want. thats our problem. you should have let him go to sleep and then wake him up in the middle of the night and made him wash dishes and clean the refrigerator too.what was he gonna do leave and go where? KIDS WILL TURN ON YOU SO THE LEAST YOU CAN DO FOR YOURSELF IS MAKE THEM RESPECT YOU NO MATTER WHAT. GOOD LUCK
I agree with much of the advice you have been given, but one thing I noticed is you mention facing off with him. DO NOT do this - you cannot control him at this age. You owe it to yourself as well as to him to stay calm and explain that while he's getting room and board for free, he follows house rules, or else he can move out. They're such an odd combination of kid and adult at this age, but you don't need to let him run you. He's also old enough to understand that he needs the medication or his behavior will continue to cause him problems. You don't mention his father or stepfather but it definitely sounds like he could use a reasonable male presence in his life.
Does he have a job? Does he have any aspirations of going to college? Does he have a father figure to step in for a while to give you a break? How does he feel about his future? I empathize with you after living through it myself. The only solution he came up with is he moved out and in with friends. For whatever reason he didn't mind his friends parents rules and chores? It's a power struggle that seems endless. He was never much of a fan of hard work so maybe different decisions should have been made earlier on, WHO KNOWS? I do know he continues to struggle in and with life and the decisions he made at 18 and after are his now and he'll have to live with that. Good luck to both of you.
Cancel the cell phone, if you own the care take away the keys, disconnect the internet to the house if needed, or just password lock the computer if you only have one family one. Simple fact if he thinks he is 18 and on his own treat him like it for a week or two. One thing i learned when i finally moved out when i was 18 was..there is no place like home. Most important i wouldn't get into a verbal fight with him, most effective thing with most kids is never raise your voice but hold your ground. Your are the parent and you can enforce that through little things, like i said phone, internet, transportation, he wants to be 18 let him get it himself.
You need to let him know that as long as he is living under your roof he does have to listen to you. You might even want to give him an ultimatum of either living by your rules or he will have to be cut off from any funds and possibly move out...this usually works in your favor
Hi C.,
There are alternatives to medication. Diet has a huge affect on people with ADD. My niece has ADD & she stopped taking her meds at 17. I don't blame her, the meds had really bad side affects. She is now 21, med-free, a Jr. at The University of Michigan & on the honor role. She found the best way to improve her concentration was to stop eating simple carbs & sugar (her favorite things). Her mother added more protein, fresh veggies, beans & whole grains to her diet. This diet also helps kids with Autism. The actress Jenny McCarthy just wrote a book about this (she has a child with autism). Please find a Dr. that is knowlegable about nutrition (many Dr.'s are not) & supports alternatives to medication. If your son is not going to take his meds anyway, then try the alternatives. As far as discipling him, I would find a family therapist. They can act as a non biased mediator & teach you both how to communicate with each other. Good luck.
Even though I will be referring to my little brother, I assure you that I have walked in your shoes! He was 18 in high school as well. He is ADHD and is still on Aderall (spell check that one). He would refuse to take it and his grades and behavior would suffer. You need to put your foot down. It doesn't matter that he is 18. Remind him that ignoring his medication is VERY immature and that if he wishes to act that way, then your will treat him that way. He lives in YOUR house. Do you pay for the cell phone? If yes, then you can take it. Do you pay for his car? gas? insurance? I know that it sounds harsh, but most boys that age need to experience "tough love". If he wants to live his own life, let him, but be sure to make him aware of the consequences. Also, make him live those consequences. It took my parents far too long to figure that out. They finally did it and wish they had done it sooner. Good luck!!
Get on your knees, and do a whole lot of praying. Talk to him on a one on one basis in a calm manner, and explain to him that because he still lives in your house, he needs to abide by your rules. Let him know the effect that his disrespect is having on you personally. If he wants to be an adult, talk to him like he is an adult, not mother to son, but adult to adult. Maybe he may be able to understand that you can't do this on your own that you need his help, and not his disrespect. Tell him you love him and that you don't want this to ruin your relationship with him. Also ask him what he thinks that you should do, and see if you all can reach a compromise.
I will also pray for you, but hang in there, if you ask God for His help, he will definitely provide it for you.
God bless,
A concerned mother
I'm not necessarily saying this is the right approach but it certainly worked with me as a teenager. My parents suggested I move out and support myself if I didn't help around the home. On one occasion their threat became so serious that I certainly bucked my ideas up. It's the last thing you want to do but to be honest, if you don't stand your ground and follow through with your threats, your son will walk all over you and your life will become extremely miserable.
I agree with Helen's response. There is a book, I can't remember the name, that has some wonderful ideas. The basic principle is this; everything you have provided him is now yours. The book states taking things away starting small but impactful. The luxuries you have provided (phone including home phone, radio, stereo) get removed one by one every day or so as long as the behavior persists. Then begin removing things like favorite clothing items. You get the idea. My friend's daughter (18) ended up with only the clothes on her back and a mattress on the floor of her room when she decided to once again become an involved family member. She had no curtains, blanket, sheets, box spring, nothing! I've removed things from my children, they have survived. Yes, he is your son and you want to provide for him, however, he is using your love for him against you. My son (17.75yo, Senior) also has ADD, unlike your son he takes his meds as he realizes that he does not want to struggle financially like I do and a college education will provide that security. If I can locate the name/author of the book, I'll let you know.
You've gotten a lot of good advice. I do not have a teenage son, however I have a very headstrong and stubborn brother who is 9 years younger then me. My dad is in the picture but not very helpful with us kids, so my mom has been dealing with all of his anger. I can say from an outside point of view, that what has helped him has been older male involvement. I grew up with a very close group of male friends and as my brother started to get into trouble, my friends started to talk to him. My husband has talked to him a number of times over the years and seems to be the only one to be able to get thru to my brother. My husband is old enough to take advice from, but not old enough to seem like any kind of authority figure. Maybe a cousin or young uncle could step in. My brother is now 21 and is still trying to get his life together from when he screwed up in highschool, so eventually they do see the errors of their ways. Good luck!
My junior student has ADHD also. Get a prescription for a medication that he will take once a day. You give it to him in the AM and he doesn't require another dose at school. My son has always been on these types of meds. They also make a patch as well but that probably wouldn't work for you because it can easily be removed during the day. I guess I am lucky, my son has never fought about taking his meds.
K.
Hi C.,
First thing I would do is take him to his doctor and have the doctor explain to him about his meds. It is very important that he understand what is happening to him when he does not take them, and how it will affect his future with low grades. Also, he may be 18 but he is still living under your roof. It is your house he has the privilege of staying in so it is his responsibility to help out. I remember my brother trying to pull the same thing in our family and my parents said if he didn't pitch-in he would have to pay rent so that my mother could have free time also. He paid rent which went towards having someone come in once a week to clean. He also had to pay for groceries. After doing this for 3 months, he decided it was too expensive and was eating his savings away. He finally decided to help out instead. If they think they are grown have them pay bills, his portion of what car insurance is, groceries, heat, phone, electric, and cable. I bet he will want to be a "kid" again. Good Luck!
Does he have a job to earn his own money?
IF not, and you pay the insurance, the cell phone bill, other activities " pull rank." Pull away the money if he is so independent.
If he is old enough to make his own decisions and not be part of the family..... then have at it! It is rough for YOU in the beginning, but you will be ever grateful that you used some tough love.
It is our responsiblity as parents to turn out responsible, law abiding citizens that contribute to society. A cell phone is not a right, driving a car is not a right, having special shoes is not a right...... you get what I mean.
BTW, he doesn't have to like you . THis is a difficult phase in his life as well as yours.
Good Luck, and be consistent. Your reward for tough love will come many years later.
He is 18 and lives in your house, then he needs to live by your rules. Does he get an allowance? Then charge him for his chores. If he doesn't do the dishes, tell him you'll do them but it'll cost him and deduct that from his allowance. If you're paying for his cell phone, cancel his plan. Take away privileges. If he doesn't like it, tough. What is his relationship like with your husband? That may be one of the causes for his behavior. Have you considered talking to a counselor/therapist? It might help. Good luck!
Hi C..
I think the issues with you son stem more from the divorce, the remarriage and the added family. His only way of getting your attention may be to get bad attention. Ask him what he wants and what his goals are and have a heart to heart instead of a face to face. Good luck!!
S. in Lisle
Sounds if you are strecthed a little thin, and your son might be picking up on this. I would forst try to spend some positive time with him alone. If he is planning on going off to school he will need reinforcement (even if he thinks he does;nt). Also if he does not plan on going off to school this can be a large problem with his anger as his friends might be leaving. After you spend some time alone with him sit down and talk and just tell him that we are all living here and it is VERY helpfull of him when he does the dishes. But, before you do this you need to find out what is on his mind. I have a 26 yr old son and a 28 yr old daughter and one grandson. Believe me I have seen it all, and it all works out in the end.
Hi C.!
My oldest is 21, and he moved out at 19. (different circumstances) but we went through something similar in high school. To make a long story short...
We ended up going through the paper, looking at rooms for rent, found the cost, went car shopping, and found that the insurance is extremely expensive when you are an 'adult', and want to own a 'cool car'...Then I had him stop at the store, and pick up a few things that we "forgot"... Eventually, he got the idea.
Maybe remind your son that if he wants to live like room-mates, that's fine, but that means 1/4 of all of the bills, including the utilities, water, etc., OR he could just do his chores and work at getting through school & perhaps college so he will actually be able to afford those expenses when the time comes. I wish you luck, it is a tough situation for a Mom!
i'm sorry to hear of your troubles. I just posted this to another mom who's son (5yo) is adhd and I wanted to pass it on to you too (at the bottom). This is in case your son will consider a different treatment for his ADD than what he's been on (I assume that he doesn't think the treatment is helping him or that he doesn't like the side effects).
I think you might want to have a sitdown talk. Let him do the talking. Try to get him to spill the beans on what's going on with him and ask him if he wants this kind of relationship with you to continue on...
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.... I wanted to write that I have seen kids that have been completely relieved of their ADHD symptoms with treatment from homeopathy. Here's a newsletter from a homeopathic Dr. in Naperville about it and I encourage you to read it. Best wishes!
http://dupagehomeopathic.com/newsletters/adhd.pdf
