Discipline for a Sensitive Boy?

My son is very sensitive. He takes the smallest thing and makes it as though you do not like him and puts himself down. When he does something that does require punishment, or even just scolding, I try very hard to not be negative. No accusing like "you did...." or "you know you can't..." and other things like that. I try to say more along the lines of "what should you have done or what were you supposed to do"? Or even what do you think should have happened? <MY son is older (11) but all boys may benefit from no negative words or blaming when told they did something they should not have.

I liked the response about asking "what should you have done?" and things like that.
Although it is true that some kids cry to manipulate, other kids have very strong consciences and will feel terrible without any real "punishment", so for them things need to be a little softer or they will eat themselves up inside.
I've got an easy crier---and he can barely even tell a lie because he feels guilty so it's obvious.
I've got another who is a perfect liar and will "fake cry" to try to get his way. I have to treat them differently because they are so different.

The rules - assuming they're good ones - stay the same. The approach may be different. Some children are corrected by a look; others have to be practically hit with a two-by-four (please don't do that at home, folks - you know what I'm saying!). You use what suits the child's personality. Some of my children were sensitive and some weren't, so I had to be careful to use the right approach with each one.

On the other hand, sometimes children get emotional and teary to play a little power game, because it gets a response from Mama and Daddy. You need to see if any of that's going on.

Having a baby brother can be stressful. The new kid gets SO much attention and time - is there anything left for me? I'd better do something so they notice I'm still around! And negative attention, of course, is better than no attention at all.

So give him as much one-on-one time as you can, and do things with him that befit a big brother who's not a baby any more. Can you find Russell and Lillian Hoban's A BABY SISTER FOR FRANCES at your library? He might like that story. You might, too.

he's about to be four, sensitive or not, girl or boy...FOUR. Beautiful age, determined to rebel at almost any cost....healthy, I think, for their independence....pain in the butt for the parents, at times :) My daughter is four--just turner in Sept..amazing rebel all of the sudden--but beautiful and helpful 90% of the time--roll with it and take away things within reason if things get out of hand...good luck, just part of their developmental cycle.

Hi T.,

Sounds like he's still having a rough adjustment to me. If you look at it from his view, he now has to share you, and dad, and let's be honest, baby is getting most of the attention since they are obviously helpless. I wouldn't necessarily back down, but, I think he really needs some one-on-one time with mom and with dad without baby. Try setting up some time that you can do this, then perhaps after a few times it can be a good behavior incentive. Kids love stickers, so if you made up a chart, he could earn perhaps 5 stickers a day (make up a list and see WHAT causes the misbehavior, times of day, events, etc. to determine how many stickers he can earn for showing good behavior at that time). Remember he's little, so he'll need to cash in on his rewards frequently, perhaps the next day for example (walk in the park with mom, ice cream with dad, etc.). Also praise him when he does exhibit good, give him a "High 5" and a hug, and thank him.

How great that you are wanting to try a different parenting approach after observing what you are doing isn't working. I would encourage you to think differently about what your son is trying to accomplish. I don't think young children "test" as much as they try to figure out how to get their wants and needs met. (Older children who have been punished alot do test, plenty.) But young children want to please their parents, use that! Remember you and he are on the same side, you both want him to grow up to be happy and healthy and he needs you to help him learn how to behave. Punishments interfere with learning. He needs you to be clear and to have expectations of what is OK and what is not OK, but he doesn't need you to be inflexible and punitive. Offer choices, have a sense of humor, work with him not against him. Check out "Playful Parenting", and/or "How to Talk so Children will Listen."

Didn't you hear? 3 is the new 2! lol

Seriously though, he's testing harder now than ever because you ARE consistent. He's trying to see what will break you. My daughter is very sensitive and takes a scolding VERY personally. I have to be careful, not only of WHAT I say, but how I say it.

Four and a half months isn't all that long for a child to adjust to a new sibling. He's had you all to himself for over 2 years and it's a big change for him to have to share you now. Try to spend a little time alone with him each day. It doesn't have to be hours...even 15 minutes cuddling and reading a story or doing a craft with him might do wonders.

Stay consistent with your 'say what we mean and mean what we say' approach, but maybe when he does need to be disciplined try a gentler approach. I too like the previous comment of asking him 'what should you have done'.

It looks like your boy seeks an attention from you. Ours still does the same (he is 6 now and baby is 6 months). Because we're so busy with the little one, the older felt left out therefore the bad behavior came along but it gave him an attention he wanted and needed from us.
Now we set about 15 minutes just for him every day - and he loves it (he is in charge of what we play and how--we follow his rules even if the board game has different rules)! One on one is what ours needed and it looks like your boy needs it too.
It is difficult adjustment when the baby comes along and mama has to be shared :)

You have to expect a 3 yr old to go through an adjustment period when a new sibling comes along. And it doesn't just end after a couple of months. Your 3 yr old is going through a very tough time. And it's going to go through stages. He may be happy one day and very jealous the next day. Maybe ease up on him a little during this transition period. Stick with what you say, but don't be so quick to punish. He's going to test you - that's just what 3 yr olds do. Good luck!

Try to stay calm when you discipline. Definitely stick to your consistent discipline but also throw in (after your son has calmed down) the reassurance that you love him and what he could have done differently.

When you get a chance - try to use positive reinforcement. Before any bad behavior starts give your son an incentive to behave well and shower him with praise when he does.

Be patient - I'm sure the new baby is a big part in all this. Your son needs lots of reassurance. Good luck!

We always tried to involve the 3 year old to "help" with the new baby...like bring a diaper to me, bring this, do that..he was eager to help and thus became very close to his little sister...They are now 45 and 42 and are STILL very close and always have been.

My son had just turned 3 when my daughter was born and seemed to adjust very well. However, it seemed about 5-6 mos. after her joining, he had some issues which sounds similar to your situation.

Are you able to have Mommy dates on the weekend or evening with just the two of you? As well as Daddy dates without the baby? We found that did help somewhat although we'd been doing it all along.

My son is fairly sensitive and was an angel as a 2 yr old. Right before he turned 3, he exhibited all kinds of new behavior, loud, yelling, difficult---totally unlike his former self. I think much of what you are experiencing is 3 yr old behavior. It does last about a year.

I found that we had to stay firm with discipline but he was able understand reasoning after the 'episodes' of bad behavior were over if we explained it to him.

I do think the parenting is a bit different but can't be obvious to the kids. My son was emotional at 3, not a problem at 4 and now that he's nearly 5, he bursts into tears easily again. Most of it seems to be frustration at things not going his way because in his mind he expected it to be a certain way....now that they can think for themselves.

Good luck.
AE

I'm a firm believer in consistency and it sounds like you doing that fine. Sometimes limits are tested (normal) and that when your consistency comes into play. Even though you may feel that you are not reaping the 'fruit' of your work do not grow weary. Let him test you and remain solid in what you are doing and it should pass. If you become emotional and react he may see it's tearing away the foundation that you have created, and then I believe behave worse since he feels unsure in his new freedom. Children thrive with boundaries and limits, knowing what is expected of them and how far they can go. They feel safe and secure in it.
Continue and throw in some extra reassurance that you always love him but not the choices/behavior he sometimes makes.
Hang in there.
Best Regards,
C.

rent a video called "1, 2, 3 Magic" from your library. It did wonders for my 2 kids (but more my son who is older than his sister).

I have a sensitive son, I find greatest success, by meeting him with the behavior that I wish him to have?? So, if he is sad, and I want him to perk up I meet him with a smile, tell him that it is Ok, to be sad, but maybe it would be more fun to go do sumthin else? My hubby thinks I do caudle his temperament, but part of it is just allowing him to have the opinion he has and working it out? Make no mistake, he is testing you! But, I find if I make light of the behavior, encourage the correct response, I have the most success? Btw we also introduced a second child @ age 2 1/2. We kept a small picture book, of his babydom, clearly him, as he is the only redhead! So he now is more helpful with the baby! Best of luck in your endeavors!

I think you adjust your parenting a bit to each child. I have a boy and a girl and they respond differently to things. My son has the constitution of a tank and is not easily upset at all. My daughter is more sensitive and will cry at things that barely get her brother's attention. My 4 year old son acts up to get attention and it was much worse with a new baby in the house. He is still not thrilled to be a big brother and my daughter is almost 2. 15 or 20 minutes of one on one attention helps if you can fit it in. Being calm but consistent is good when you can manage it. Everyone loses their temper sometimes but I really struggled to keep my temper when I was exhausted with the new baby.

I have a 2.5 yr old. What has worked often for us is to give the child two choices. "Mom can help you brush your teeth or Dad can help you brush your teeth." "You can either choose a quiet toy or you can play the loud toy in your room." .... We do this with a LOT of things. Even when he wants a 'big juice' and fusses. I tell him "You can have either the small juice or No juice. Which one?" He knows that there is not a third choice (thru our consistency) so always makes one of the two choices.

Hope that helps a little.