Discipline and Toddlers - Bellmore,NY

Updated on July 30, 2011
A.F. asks from Bellmore, NY
9 answers

My twenty-eight month old daughter has started throwing her toys, the remote control, board books, has started spitting on the floor and even screams in public places like the supermarket. When she throws objects they are directed at me. As you can imagine, being hit with a board book or remote hurts. Of course I take the objects away from her, tell her no and have given her time-outs to no avail. She is a very sweet little girl most of the time but I am frustrated with the above behaviors. Time-outs do not work and even when I bring Alyssa to the sink to show her where she can spit, she still continues to spit on the floor. Any advice?

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D.P.

answers from Minneapolis on

A lot of good suggestions here. I used redirection many times and, after using it, was shocked at how powerful positive reinforcement can be. Instead of always focusing on the negative (trust me, it's hard to do), try to focus on positive things and you might get a little cooperation. As far as the spitting, I put a dab of handsoap on his tongue and it stopped! Good luck...they do move onto a new phase eventually :)

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J.M.

answers from San Antonio on

Consistency is the key. For the screaming in public places - I know it is a pain but I would leave immediately when she does it. I had to do this with my daughter throwing tantrums and it only took once. It is inconvenient espiecially when you have a cart full of groceries but it will make an impact. Time outs do work (for me anyway) - I have always followed the rule of one minute per year of age. 2 minutes is a long time for a 2 year old. Just pick your punishment and stick with it. Hope that helps.

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T.H.

answers from Kansas City on

I say keep at it. Time outs don't really work for 28 month old, but you still have to keep trying, b/c eventually they will. Right now they sort of think it's a game but keep your cool and keep your consistency. Some advice that was recently given to me was to say over and over, every time it happens...we only throw balls. Remotes are for the TV, we only throw balls. My son throws everything, not usually out of anger so it's a bit different, but he seriously throws everything! You totally sound like a broken record, but I think it's slowly helping. You're already sort of doing that with the sink and I think you just need to keep it up. This age is hard at times!

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3.B.

answers from Cleveland on

It's all about staying consistent and keeping your cool. If she throws a toy take it and don't give it back for awhile! If it's the same toy twice, don't give it back at all. Is she doing this during tantrums or just doing it? Could be an attention getter, or just a phase!

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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

1) When: kids are tired or over-tired or hungry... they act like this more, because they have nil, patience at these times.

2) I personally, did NOT run my errands, when it was:
nap time or,
my kids were tired or over-tired, or
when my kids were hungry.

3) AND I always gave them a snack, BEFORE heading out for errands.

4) When little kids are tired, they are more prone, to being like that.
They need to nap and get enough sleep.
And eat... snacks aside from... their regular meals.

5) When hitting growth-spurts or hitting milestones or on the cusp of a new age change... kids also get like this.
Because, it is 'growing-pains' cognitively and physically. Too.

6) KNOW the triggers for your child.

7) Know, that at this age.. kids do NOT have, fully developed emotions yet, either.
From 2 years old, I began teaching my kids, the 'names' for feelings, how to recognize feelings and how to SAY it. I didn't care if they were grumpy or happy... (because even ADULTS have grumpy or happy days), but the point was, that they learned, the names for feelings and how to say it, and that they could, and that they could tell me. Then we as a "TEAM"... I helped them, per "coping-skills."
Kids this age DO NOT HAVE, intrinsic nor automatic coping-skills. It is taught.
Even some adults don't have coping-skills and are unable to recognize their feelings. So... to expect a child to know it, is not appropriate. Because, you have to teach them it. It is "skills" that a child learns.

8) Just using "punishments" does not... teach a child coping-skills nor the ability to recognize their feelings or frustrations.

9) When my son was only 3 years old, he could tell me if he was "frustrated" or "irritated" or "grumpy." And he darn well KNEW the differences in his feelings. He'd tell me. AND if grumpy, he would tell me things like "I want to be alone... I'm going over there..." and then once feeling better he'd be right back in the groove of things. All fine.
Because, I taught him that. And most importantly, that he is ALLOWED to tell me that.... whether grumpy or happy. He is human. I don't 'scold' for feelings. Thus, a child attains... articulate ability to detect their own feelings... and how to manage/cope.
It is taught.
If only punishing... it does NOT teach a child... these skills.

10) In conjunction with punishments/discipline... you ALSO have to teach a child SKILLS.... and how to manage... or teach them ALTERNATE ways... of doing things. Because, there are MANY ways of doing things or managing things.
Sometimes, my KIDS come up with better ideas than me.

11) Kids this age, do not even have, fully developed "Impulse-control" yet either. It is not developed, until older. So know that.

12) Keep, your parental 'Expectations"... age appropriate. Otherwise, there will always be, frustration for you, and your child. Because, if expectations are not age-appropriate... there will never be, congruence of what she is doing and what you expect her to do.

all the best,
Susan

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A.H.

answers from Seattle on

Sometimes when my son ( 28 months as well) is doing stuff like that its for my attention. If he does something that hurts me (crashing a dump truck into me on purpose) I often tell him that mommy is taking a time-out from him because he isn't acting in a way that makes me want to play with him. Then I go about doing something else for the 2 mintues that I might otherwise have given him a traditional timeout.I find that this intentional ignoring upsets him much more than a time -out or taking a toy away. Obvioulsy this his some limits on its effectiveness but but I have found it effective. and it also helps him to understand that mommies and daddies or whoever have feelings too and what he does effects others.

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K.S.

answers from Bloomington on

She's old enough to be helped to clean up her messes on the floor. Not encouraged, but physically helped. That should help discourage that problem.

Ignore the screaming, if you're out and about and can leave.. LEAVE!! Let her know before hand that if she does this and that while at the store, she won't be able to come next time. Give her rules to follow while at the park and other fun places as well. She chooses to keep acting out after one reminder, leave and tomorrow don't take her anywhere.

As for the throwing stuff. I would suggest this: Ask her if she would like to quit throwing 'toys', or if she would like to come sit with you for a while? If she's mad at you, sitting with you won't be her favorite thing. But if she does NEED to sit with you for a while. Don't do the 'time in' based on minutes, do it based on behavior. Let her know that when she is calm she may get up and play.

The other method is clearing her room of toys, and letting her stay in there for a couple minutes. Keeping in mind, you may have to repeat that step every 5 minutes, until she understands that if she cannot be nice around you, you won't let her be around you.

All in all, it sounds like a power struggle and you need to find something that doesn't frustrate you and stick to it. She's probably doing it because she's not getting the attention she wants, but it doesn't make it ok to act that way.

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R.R.

answers from Los Angeles on

At this age they want to do what they want to do, think the world should be like they want it, are asserting their independence, and get easily frustrated because their ability to express themselves through words isn't fully developed yet.

When she spits get her a paper towel, wet it with a little water and have her clean it up, throw it away, wash her hands, then take her to her room to cool off and close the door. If she screams and cries tell her that's fine, but she isn't coming out until she stops and calms down Time outs haven't been very effective with my 27 month old, either, but going to his room is because he doesn't have my attention.

When you decide she is allowed to come out of her room talk to her and tell her that spitting is not nice, and nasty or whatever you choose to call it (my little guy has now learned the word "disgusting") and that every time she spits on the floor she will clean it up and go to her room.

When she throws an object you're right to take it away, and I'd put it up for at least the rest of the day. (I tell my guy, "Oh, you don't want to play with this anymore? OK!" Then when he says he wants it I tell him, "No, you don't want it, you threw it so I have to put it away.") Then I would tell her she has to go to her room, and can come out when you tell her she can (she's too young to know when she's cooled off.) After she comes out I'd tell her that the next time she throws something at you you're going to take several things away (anything she's thrown in the past) and won't get to use them at all for a few days. You can start doling them out one item at a time each day to see how she does, and if she starts again you take them all away again.

Keep the remote and other things you need to use out of her reach all the time, my guy loves the "watch", his name for the remote, but we keep it high and where he can't get it (at least 95% of the time ; )

When she screams in the supermarket is she screaming because she can't have her way or something she wants? You can handle this one of three ways, 1) don't take her with you at all, leave her with someone while you shop, 2) tell her before you go in the store that you don't want any screaming for anything, and take her outside when she begins to scream, wait for her to stop, then go back into the store and finish (leaving the store may be what she wants and makes her feel she's accomplished her goal by screaming) or 3) stay in the store, move to a corner of it and let her scream, pretending to not hear her, busying yourself with your list or a display and making no eye contact. When she stops say, "Oh good, I hope you feel better, now we can finish shopping!" It can be embarrassing to know other shoppers hear her screaming, but they honestly will respect you for trying to train her.

Whatever you decide to do you HAVE to be consistent with each and every incident, or she will start over again and it will be even harder to modify her behavior because she'll know you gave in before.

Also, make sure she's eating a variety of healthy food, drinking enough water, getting enough rest and sleep, and enough exercise like running and jumping every day. Their little bodies are growing and an imbalance in any of these can make them especially cranky. Also keep her to a daily routine, my little guy has more problems when his day is stressed or deviated from in any way.

Hang in there, the terrible two's do pass ; )

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M.B.

answers from Rochester on

A.,
time out doesn't work.

Best bet: ignore the activity you don't want to see - spitting. Just totally ignore it. It will get worse before better, as it has received such attention in the past. She might have a need to spit (overactive salivary gland), but probably just saw someone do it (like on a construction site while passing through traffic).

These things hurt. They hurt a lot more when they get bigger. Ignore them and try to catch them before they get launched. If you are with her, that should be no problem. It is when YOUR attention gets attached to something that she is connecting object with you. Leave the phone (or at least hang up as soon as possible, instead of being social.) the Phone is the number one cause of accidents - and unrest - in a family. Cell or otherwise!

Give her something TO DO. Hand over hand. She is 2! She is not 5 or 7 or 9! And at that, sometimes THOSE ages need HOH! Take her by the hand and show her what you need. Or she needs to do. Or anything? My son TOTALLY responds to that. I don't ask him to get his shoes on - I take him by the hand, lead him to the socks and ask him to pick out a pair. Refuse? Okay, I will pick out a pair! No? Okay YOU pick out a pair! And if they are deliberately mismatched, THAT'S OKAY! He is his own person, he has a choice. Then I take him to his shoes.With all the telling and voicing and everything, really, there is no need for it, by the time you are done talking and still not dressed, you could have done HOH and BEEN DONE several minutes (or tens of minutes) ago!

Make a deliberate effort to put everything back in its place, and if something is thrown, pick it up, dust it off, and put it in its place (even if it is in a carrysack on a trip). Giving respect to objects is never out of place, and shows you value your object as well as your baby. Give your baby a HUG after a throw - not a time out. she is looking for your attention - and can't verbally say 'hey, something isn't right, I need something, I don't remember how to shriek like a baby, but I just don't have words to express to you that I need you, your attention, your touch, your hug, your _____ right NOW!'

Good luck,
M.

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