Discipline 6 Yr Old Boy

Have you looked into Smart Discipline? It is a chart system that has worked very well for my kids with a few key issues. Go to www.smartdiscipline.com for more information. You should be able to find the book in any major library (don't forget about interlibrary loan!) and we use white boards instead of printing out daily charts.

The key with this system is to be consistant and to NOT warn about placing the X on the chart, to simply place the X on the chart and tell which rule has been broken. It has helped us tremendously reduce the amount of yelling in the household. My kids have always reacted negatively to spanking (they'd become agressive) so spanking did not work for us as a discipline tool. Smart Discipline has been great! It sounds kinda hokey, but we've been happy with it when we use it properly!

Good luck!

Hi Elly,
It sounds like you are in a power struggle with a 5 year old, and he is winning. Have you seen the book "Parenting with love and Logic", its a winner - it gives great tips on how to "drop the rope" when there is a power thing going on. Just changing your words can make a huge difference - instead of "Are you ready for bed" (which begs a battle) you say "do you want mommy or daddy to take you to bed". There is no question that you will be going to bed, the question is who do you want to take you. Give choices that you can live with, and you will get better at it.
Hang in there!
T.

When spanking doesn't work, it is often because the adult is angry and/or the child has not repented before the spanking. The issues of love (and that disciplining him means that you love him), anger, the reason what he did was wrong, sorrow, repentance, and submission should be talked out before the spanking. At first, this can take quite a while, but after he knows that you are not going to give in, and that he needs to change his attitude and take his spanking before this is all going to be done, then it goes faster. A strong-willed child will often need time alone before and during the discussion time to bring his attitude around. A VERY strong-willed child may need to know that other consequences are building up while they sit there stubbornly refusing to admit they were wrong. I give five "free" minutes to cool down and change attitude on their own, then I go back and check on them every five minutes and ask if they are ready to talk about this. If I can tell their attitude is still stubborn, I start giving consequences such as no snacks the rest of the day, 15 minutes earlier bedtime, an extra job, etc. Wait till you see how long it takes for them to come around before you actually say what the consequences are. If it took a long time, you can make each consequence small so that it all adds up to being reasonable, but they know that each increment of time meant something. (I write them down.) After the discussion, he should understand that he deserves a spanking, and you should be calm and cool, never venting anger on the child. That's usually not an issue by the time all this has happened, though. All this adds up to long-term changes in behavior because, by the time the child felt the pain of the spanking, their soul was already hurting with knowing they did wrong to hurt the ones they love in some way.
Also, I know it is difficult when in the middle between two children like that, but try not to expect maturity out of a child. When he has done something immature, like a two-year-old, then teach him a better way to handle it, but don't be surprised that he did it in the first place. He is trying out behaviors that he sees working for his brother, and in the grand scheme of things he is really just a baby himself.
Blessings,
J.
Christian homeschool mom to three beautiful grown girls, one wonderful son-in-law, two terrific teens, and one rambunctious, first-class boy

I would suggest that you check out the site www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com. Since you don't seem to be anti-spanking, yet spankings don't work, I think you need the extra "umph" this site will give. It is actually a book (which you can order) written by a mother of 10 (happy, well-adjusted, obedient children). In fact, the methods described will even work for those who don't believe in spanking. Hope it helps. :)

Elly, I have a book called "parenting the strong-willed child" We are moving to Japan and I can't take a lot of books because of the weight. I can send it to you if you are interested. e-mail me at ____@____.com

It is similar to Love and Logic from what I can glean from the other responses.

Hi Elly I found a great book called "How To Make Your Kids Mind Without Losing Yours". I have loaned it out so and don't remember the authors name. It is Christian based and has alot of great ideas that I have used over and over again. I hope it helps.

i have a very bull headed doughter hoom i love very very much and the disapline does not work with her,i have noticed that if i take a speshail day just for her and give her that one on one time with her then she is fine maybe he just one those children who needs more time and this is his way of telling you.good luck

I had the same problem with my 4 yr old. And then I learned something from SuperNanny, lol. When you put your son in time-out, walk away. When he gets up (or immediately follows) take him back to time out without looking him in the eyes or saying anything. REPEAT doing this until he stays. Yes, it will be time consuming the 1st few time-outs, but it really works! Because once he sees that you are being consistant, he will also realize that it is easier for him just to stay put. Also, if he yells, cries, calls you a meanie... just ignore it, because he is only doing it because he WANTS to break your consistancy! Stick to it & in the end, YOU WILL WIN! Good luck!

You didn't say the age of your son but I am guessing 4 by the things your staying. I also have a 4 year old that sounds just the same. What I have started doing in placing toys in timeout, which has helped alot. But as for wanting the bedtime retual of music etc., well we have a rule at our house which was hard to get implimented at first because of the screaming and crying, but after about 2 or 3 times the point was accepted that mommy and daddy mean business. If we get into trouble during the day more than 3 times (because we know that children can't be prefect all the time), then when it comes bedtime there will be no music etc. If there is any crying or screaming at bedtime the next morning we stay in bed except to get up and have breakfast. If at lunch time we have followed the rules of; be quite, be still, and don't get up, then we get to get up for the remainder of the day. We had to do this about 3 times before it was realized that mom and dad mean what they say and will not back down. All the children follow the same rules, no exceptions. If we ask them to do something and they do it without fussing and do it quickly and correctly we make sure the praise them and make a bit deal of them minding and following the rules and give high fives. That is really a big deal with out 4 year old. Hope some of this helps.

Hi Elly,
i went through the same thing w/my 6 year old, through almost mid seven,hes turning 8 next month.The thing about time out is cosistentsy.he gets out you take him back to time out w/out saying a word to him, it may take 10,20,30 times.As many time as it takes.It will get tiring on your part but don't give in and stop .he will eventually give up and stay.and you make him stay in time out for the 6 min. since hes 6 and so on as the years go by.When it finally works before he gets out time you get down to his eye level you let him know why he was in time out and tell him to apologize.hug kisses after that and repeat as nessacery.

Wow your 6 year old sounds like my 4 yr old. He isnt scared of me or anything i do, nothing phases him, and he will tell me all the time i dont like you mommy your mean (of course its always mommy since im the one who stays home, so daddy gets to be the "good" guy), he doesnt say hate yet, but that may be because he doesnt hear it that much, i try not to use hate because of how strong of word it is, and (how it says in the bible you are not supposed to hate anyone, sorry i know im not perfect but i try to follow what i can, but please dont take that the wrong way) anyway, the only thing i have found that works here latly and im not a fan of it, but im at the end and dont know what else to do, is the belt, now dont take it seriously, its just a threating tool, but he is scared of it (right now anyway), and will usually do what is asked or he is supposed to do, i carry one in the car too, because he has a habbit of taking his belt off going down the road, or not putting it on at all, and when he sees it he does it quickly, not sure why, ive never actually spanked him with it (and dont really plan on it either), not sure if its something new or what it is, but it works, we have also switched his meds, since he has adhd, and this new med is wonderful, ohh so wonderful, he is a "normal" 4 year old now, i love it and im finally getting my voice back from yelling at him all day LOL. I wish you luck, and if you find anything that works let me know please, because i got another one right behind him, learning and already doing things he shouldnt.

Hi, Elly:
Your little boy sounds like he's very determined---and you're right--that will help him later in life. He probably won't be pressured into doing things he shouldn't just because someone urges him to. But for now, that determination is a problem for you. I've heard it is better if you don't acknowledge the negative behavior. I wouldn't ignore him (that's definitely NOT something a Mom should do), but reassure him that you are there for him but cannot abide that behavior. Be sure to praise his good behavior and that of his siblings, too, so the positive behavior will be enforced. Maybe try not picking him up when he's having a tantrum unless he's hurting someone else. If he doesn't get a reaction, perhaps he will stop sooner. Also, remember he is not allowed to act like this at school, so he probably knows a different way to respond.

I have to agree w/ Tina...the best form of discipline I have found (and I have researched TONS) is Parenting with Love and Logic... www.loveandlogic.com is the website.

It sounds like your son is looking for his "place" in the family and searching for attention, which is wonderful. Kids will get the attention they need in one way or another. If they can't get positive attention, then they will go for the negative attention. This is completely natural and you almost need to worry if it doesn't happen!

Being as tenacious as he is can be a good thing...if you handle it well now! The goal of Love and Logic is to teach your child how to think for himself, make and learn from bad decisions now, when the price tag is small. This creates adults that can actually function on their own and parents that can confidently allow their child to grow, knowing they have the ability to think for themselves.

When the negative behavior hits, you go Brain Dead...pick out a phrase and, very nicely, repeat it over and over. The key to this technique is to make sure you are locking in the empathy (Oh, how sad or What a bummer or Bless your heart), mean it and NEVER become angry and yelling. At that point, they have won. The child's goal is to see how far they can push before their parents say, No. Children really are in search of firm boundries. The trick is to lay them out in a manner that takes out the argument...or should I say, when YOU are not arguing...we all know you can't argue with a child w/o sounding like one! :-)

In our house, if one of my boys refuses to do something, I will say, "Oh, how sad." If that doesn't stop the behavior (which it didn't at first), then you go to the next step, which goes something like this...

Me: "Time to do your homework..."
Him: "I am not doing it now, I am eating a snack."
Me: "Oh, how sad..."
Him: "Mom...I said I am eating a snack" (even though he has been eating this snack for 30 minutes...)
Me: "I know, (pause for about 3 - 5 seconds) but what did I say..."

This is when the fun comes in...the first time I tried this, I was repeating this phrase for about an hour. I went about my normal schedule...loading the dishwasher, cooking dinner, folding laundry, etc. I heard things like, You can't make me do my homework (he was right...I can't physically make him do his homework), I am not going to do it...I don't care what you say, etc. After each statement, I just said, "I know, but what did I say?" My son got angry, I remained calm and even happily stated the phrase, in the same tone each time, and he finally stomped over to the table and said, "You are just lucky I am doing my homework because you can't make me do it." I just simply replied with "I know...thank you."

The other side of this coin is when is behaving correctly, praise him for it! Let him know that you appreciate and reward the positive behavior. Catch him doing something good, walk over and whisper in his ear, "It does my heart good to see you treat your brother so nicely". At first, you may have to search for ANYTHING to praise, but don't give up! As you continue, it will be easier!

Now, with my kids, if they hear the phrase, "Oh, how sad..." they know they have a problem that they have to solve. If I have to go to, "I know..." phrase, that is all it has taken in a very long time. My oldest will now tell me, "Mom...don't say it. I am getting it done!"

The funny thing is how well this technique (Love and Logic) works with adults as well!

His harsh words are only out of anger. When he is calm, you should tell him how much that hurts you when he says that. You never tell him you hate him no matter how upset you are. As for the timeouts, keep doing it and as Super Nanny says, ignore all other behavior while he is in time out. Make him apologize when the time is up. How long do you make him sit there? It should be 6 minutes. One thing I have learned with my children is that when you say they can't do something they take that as they physically can't do that so they will say, "Yes I can". It sounds defiant, but it's really them saying they really can physically do it. I have to always tell them "I know you can do this, but I don't want you to do this right now." If you give a specific example of the times he doesn't budge, I can probably give some suggestions, but there are too many situations with that to give a basic answer.
Hang in there.