Disabilities in Dating

If I were single I would date a person with a disability providing that they were capable of living the same kind of lifestyle as I do. Many adults with disabilities, either through the use of assistive technologies or simply their own efforts to overcome their disabilities are able to function "normally". If the person is able to take care of their own needs, hold a job and participate in at least some activities I would enjoy doing with a partner, then yes, I would be open to dating that person. I probably wouldn't date a person who would require me to act as a caregiver or to support them financially.

It depends on the person and the disability. Now that I'm in my 30s, my priorities are different. In my 20s I could not handle a lot of extra things, but in my 30s I would date someone who was deaf or blind. If I had not already been married, I would totally have chatted up a guy I met at an event who was smart and charming, but blind.

I know from personal experience I am not cut out to be a caretaker and I would not date someone who needed a lot of medical assistance. If someone had a long-term health concern (Chron's, MS, Diabetes...), I would probably date him if he had a good grasp of his own care and we had a good idea about his long-term prognosis. Similarly, if he had one lost limb was was otherwise healthy and able to do for himself, then I would consider dating him.

It seems harsh, but if I were widowed today, I have a young child to raise, too. I would not want to take on the care of anyone else and would, as others put it, want someone with whom I could share a similar lifestyle (like hiking, camping, traveling). My answer might be different if I did not have her to care for first or have experience being a PT caregiver for my grandfather.

I suggest that what is important is for the one choosing to date or not to know what they want from the dating. For example in your example you would choose based on your experience with your disabled parents. Your choice has nothing to do with the character of the person or their worth. It's based on how you want to live. You are no more discriminating than if you decided that you would only date someone with specific personality characteristics or abilities.

Another example is I would choose to date someone who is organized with a plan for his life over a fun loving guy who lives day to day with no thought for the future. I'm discriminating based on what I need. I am not discriminating, pc wise, on who he is.

We make choices everday. Are we descriminating against Safeway when we choose to shop at Fred Meyer that is located more conveniently for me?
If hiking is an important part of my life and I'm dating to find someone with whom I can climb am I going to date someone confined to a wheel chair?

I am a 24/7 caregiver to my 47 yr old husband, so I am coming at this from a different angle than most. He needs help with everything and he is 185 lbs. I feel as though I am not able to get sick or we are all screwed. I can't complain to him the way I need to, or he will feel so guilty. I can't take a vacation because his medical bills use up all our extra money. Basically the guy I thought would always have my back can't. I have to have his back. ALL. THE. TIME.

I would not have it any other way because this is what my vows mean to me. He's too young and too cognitive to waste away in a nursing home. But if I did it all over again with a new guy , I would hope to fall in love with a healthy man (there are no guarantees) that could take care of me once in a while. I need someone to have my back.

In my early twenties I dated a super-hot paraplegic guy. While I was very attracted to him and was willing to deal with some of the accompanying health issues he had, I think he was still pretty uncomfortable with the idea of getting intimate with a woman. He'd been in his wheelchair for about a couple years at the time, lived with his mom in an accessible apartment (she did a lot of care for him when it came to bathing), and I think he wasn't confident in the idea that he could be enough for girlfriend. He cooled things off and over the next few years, I'd see him from time to time and while he pursued his art, he never had a girlfriend that I knew of.

My exhusband had a debilitating spinal issue (ankylosing spondylitis) and basically didn't do any physical therapy to help increase his comfort and flexibility. Instead, he relied on codeine as his #1 choice for pain and became pretty addicted.

With all of that, no, I would not choose someone who had a disability to date. One thing I learned in this is that I came second to both mens' physical situations, and rightfully, their bodies were their first concerns. I just know it's not as easy as 'if we really believe we can do it...'. It's a nice thought, but not realistic. Sadder but wiser, I suppose.

Well, I have dated a blind guy. When I was in high school, I halfway dated a guy who had lost one of his legs. He had a prosthetic, but being in the middle of puberty meant having to be stuck in a wheelchair every time it needed adjusted. That didn't last too long though, as we had been friends for too long so it was just wierd so we went back to the friend zone.

Eta. There a nothing PC about my answer. I have lived and worked with people who were severely disabled, and needed a lot of care. It is not fair at all to compare that to the disabilities you refer to in your post, then accuse us of being "PC" because we do not discriminate based solely on physical ability. For what it's worth, the ONLY "crutch" the blind guy needed was someone to drive him around... Other than that, he got along very well on his own. He lived on his own, made his own money, cooked for himself, and anything else a seeing guy would do.

You can have your own feelings on the matter, and I won't judge you for that... But don't think that we are being PC just because you don't seem to think that there are people out there who are able to overlook what society seems to think are flaws.

Everybody deserves a chance at love.

Eta2- discrimination is not a dirty word... Yes, I DO discriminate based on personal characteristics, compatibility, and even convenience (when choosing grocery stores... Lol.) everyone discriminates based in what they need in their life, and for me, physical ability isn't a huge consideration.

Depends on the disability to be honest. I would have no issues with someone who is blind or deaf, or if they needed a wheel chair or something. but, if they would require a great deal of care from me if we moved in together, that would leave me hesitant.

Of course I would. I don't judge a person's datability by the strength of his optic nerve, the condition of his eardrums, or the mobility of his legs. I base it on his character and personality. Do we have enough in common to be able to enjoy each other's company?

ETA: Dating =/= caretaking. Agreeing to go on a date with a paraplegic does not mean that I'm agreeing to wipe his butt for him.

Stevie Wonder?

Andrea Bocelli?

Ray Charles?

Yep. In a heartbeat if they had what I valued in a person.

I think though Rhonda, your experience is real and recent and frightens you about the aging process. There are many senior services available to assist with the twilight years. I am sorry that you were so burdened with the care of elderly, dependent parents, and how you view other relationships.

I highly recommend you watch the movie "My Left Foot" - one of the absolute best films ever!

And for many years I have volunteered at a Blind / Deaf camp for kids. Seriously, some of those kids are more outgoing and physically capable than I was in my prime. The blind were bike riding and water skiing. The deaf do everything, plus have a secret, quiet language that they can use across crowded, loud rooms.

At the risk of being "PC" -- "cripple"? Man I haven't heard that word in about 30 years.

I think there are lots of differently abled ( there I go again!) people who have it much more together than lots of the typical people I know, so my answer is "depends" I suppose.

I look at couples with O. disabled partner as a real example of a purer love and lack of shallowness. I really respect people that can look past a disability to someone's heart, kwim?

sure! the disabilities that squick me out are lack of humor, lack of empathy, and lack of kindness.
khairete
S.

Well, not knowing sign language would make it impossible for me to date a deaf man. Blindness? Maybe. I mean, there are plenty of blind people living independent lives on their own, so it's not like he would be a burden (other than moving slower and not being able to see everything I can, but Hell, he wouldn't care what I looked like so that's a bonus LOL!)
Other disabilities, I guess it depends on how it would affect MY quality of life. I certainly wouldn't want to date anyone who kept me cooped up at home or needed serious medical attention, or was incapable of a sexual relationship. But beyond that I would be open.

Everyone has a disability, some are more obvious, some are subtle, others are just unable to see the worth in others. Only the latter would turn me away.

I find the other answers interesting. I know many disabled people that I would lean on before someone who considers themselves just fine. People who are disabled while they are young tend to overcome those disabilities those that don't tend to have things in their personality that I wouldn't find endearing.

What I mean is there are people who overcome and people that make excuses, that is what determines my interest in friendship or otherwise. I mean imagine life in retirement, do you want someone who stubs their toe and is no longer able to do anything or someone who in spite of a disability has a house fall on them and they keep overcoming?

If I began dating again at this stage in my life? I would want my partner to be as similar to me as possible, so we would have a lot in common. I'm too tired and cynical to want to deal with someone who is too dissimilar.

I'm pretty athletic, so I would want someone able-bodied. I don't want to be someone's caretaker. I don't think I want to learn sign language, so deaf might be out. I'm not sure about blind. Sure it's a nice idea to focus on what's "inside," but I think that's a little more unrealistic than some believe. Although I might date that actor (little person? dwarf?) who plays Tirion on Game of Thrones. He's a hottie. Or maybe it's just his character who's a hottie. I love him. :)

It wouldn't be my first preference, but at our age, I don't think you can be that choosy, because the pool of available candidates is kind of small.

Good luck!

Yes, I would date someone with a disability. It's what's on the inside that counts!

Hmmm.......
A person who is blind? Maybe! They couldn't see all of my imperfections. But, I would probably feel guilty that I could see all the beauty around and they could not.
Deaf? Yes. not an issue at all. I could learn sign language.
In a wheelchair? I don't know. My cousin is married to a FANTASTIC woman who is in a wheelchair. She rocks. But she has also had a miriade of health issues, once we almost thought we were going to lose her. I don't know if I would want the stress of that.
A "short" person. Nope. I already feel like a giant next to my husband, and he is only a couple of inches shorter than me. For ME, I would not be able to date a "little" person.
I think the reason I couldn't date certain people isn't because of disabilities so much as much as MY own perception of things. Like, would a blind person feel like they were missing out on seeing? I don't know! Maybe I would feel guilty for no good reason.
But, there are a LOT of people that I wouldn't date. A woman (I'm not gay), a playboy (I need a man, not a playa!), a person that doesn't want kids (I do), a Republican....
Lol
L.

It's a tough one. I would not openly seek out someone disabled to date, then again I was never a big "dater" anyway. It would all depend on the level of disability. A large range of "disabled" individuals are still very capable. If I met someone who was honestly looking for a lover and partner and interested in me and not looking for or needing a live-in nurse, then yes, I would give it a try. I could not enter into a relationship knowing I would just be someone's full time caregiver.

Don't close yourself off because of your past, but do be mindful of it. So long as your date doesn't need a "crutch", then I say go for it!

Now that I am older probably not. I think when I was younger, sure. Now after decades of taking care of people, I think it might be nice to be taken care of a little bit myself, just a little. So depending on the disability of course, maybe not really what I'm looking for in a relationship anymore.

:)

I agree with Marda P. I have a right to discriminate based on whatever else I have going on in my life and what I want moving forward. It's one thing to already be in relationship with someone who later becomes disabled. It's another thing altogether to fall for that disabled person, and there's nothing wrong with the person who is just not up to the task. There are people who are.

I have a blind friend who believes the same. People have always tried to link her with blind men, and she hates it. Her reply to them is "Why would I want to live with somebody who can't get around any better than I can??!" Someone who can't "Come look at this!" or drive them to dinner. Those same people look at her like she's crazy or a snob or--ACK--discriminating against the disabled. Yeah, whatever. She's not interested in throwing anybody that bone simply for the cause, and neither am I. Sometimes it's just not practical, and if that's what matters to you....

I think every single person alive has a disability of some sort. Whether it's not able to do math or endure a long walk or see a sunset.

IF the person in question was settled, not a new injury, where they had received training for mobility and were living independently then I would consider it.

A person who can't see can do many many things we may not think they can. A deaf person may not be able to hear music but they can feel it with their bodies. A person confined to a wheelchair can get around all on their own if they choose to do so, again, settled and living independently.

If the person needed a great deal of care or assistance then I would most likely not date them. I don't want to sound mean but if they can't take care of themselves physically I can't do that for them and I would feel limited.

I dated a guy that had only one leg and was blind in one eye, I really did, and it was okay. He was still very angry about losing so much and was struggling emotionally. I hope once he found the acceptance and peace he was able to live a happy life.