Difference in Opinion over Way to Discipline

We are one of those couples. It was really hard for a little bit, but I finally had to sit her dad down and explain that there are consequesces to not being on the same page. Now he has decided I am right, and will usually use my process or ask me what I think before he lets or doesnt let her do something, or before handing out a punishment (he used to never punish, and I dont feel that it is right to punish for something that has happened while I was working or gone when i get back).

I would sit down and talk to him about it! Good luck!

My husband and I have some very different ideas about discipline, since we grew up in very different households. We decided when our first child was an infant that it was important to present a united front no matter what. If one of us disagrees with the other's discipline, we don't do it in front of the kids, but back the other one up until we are able to have a conversation in private. We usually can talk it out and decide to go with whatever strategy seems like it will be most effective. This occasionally means swallowing my pride and agreeing that he has a good point etc, which isn't always easy to do, but is in the kids' best interest. Most of the discipline issues are left up to me since I am with the children most of the time, but the spouse always gives me his two cents later, especially if he thinks there may be a better way to deal with things. It has been relatively easy to get along on these issues so far, I just hope we can continue the same united front once my kids are older (especially the teenage years). I think my children behave better knowing that there is some consistency in their discipline and also knowing they will get the same answer no matter what parent they ask (We always tell them I need to talk to your father (or mother) and then we will give you an answer. This has effectively eliminated them trying to play us against eachother. The most important thing for you is to have open and honest communication with eachother regarding these issues before your child is old enough to really need some discipline.

I have had plenty of differences of opinion over child-rearing issues with my spouse over the years. I have no good advice, mostly I just overrule him, because I know my instincts are better. (I have tried not to overrule him too much in front of the kids, however.) It's a tough issue, and since my kids will all be out of the house in 4 years, one I will soon not have to face.

This is just an empathy answer, not a particularly helpful one. I'm sure overruling isn't the best way, but since my kids turned out great I'm glad I did.

p.s. There should not be a lot of "disciplining" of a 16 month old, so if you are trying to stop your husband from "disciplining" him, then you are correct.

I think that who ever is the primary caregiver should be the leader in this. This is a hard one and takes time to evolve. My husband has his own buttons that get pushed and the kids do need to know we are different people with different levels of patients. For the most part he tries to follow my lead .I am the one who's read all the books and am devoting my life to raising our kids. It's my job. Just like he has a job. I think if there can be a respect there for mom it works much better. I will step in and help my husband if I see things are getting diffucult and he really apprecates that. He'd rather not have to go there. When ever my husband handles things really well I let him know what a good dad he is and thank him for what he did. We have 4 children now,11 years later, and we are not the same parents we started out as and our partnership as parents has gotten so much better. But it had it's growing pains.Just look at this as an ever evolving experience and try to give to each other and don't get into power struggles. We have to put ego's aside. The Love and Logic series is great by the way. Best wishes to you on this parent hood adventure.

Dear M.,

The two of you should sit down and work it out so you back each other up. If it is the case where you feel your husband is being too hard on a 16 month old child, this is especially important. Otherwise, you won't be thinking he's so wonderful down the line and there will be many arguments.

Belssings......

Not knowing your exact situation this is how I deal with it. Not that we're not really on the same page... but DH just does his own thing...

The biggest problem with that is that he works almost all waking hours for the kids. He sees them for about a half hour in the morning... and maybe one day a week.

If he starts to discipline in a way that doesn't work. I take him aside and let him know what I do in this situation. And Basically, he's not allowed to counter me unless he wants to be home more often to help with any disaster he creates.

That said, I just read Love and Logic... and they address this... so if you're child says... "dad let's me do it..." you can just say... "I know." and leave it at that. There are other tools to get through the day... seemingly helpful... check it out!

Hi M.,

I just want you to know that you are not alone in this, I have had the same issues with my husband. It can be pretty tough sometimes. I also agree with Teresa's approach and have tried to do the same in our household.
When our oldest daughter was born we found that we had some pretty strong differances on disapline and other child hood issues like dateing, curfue, bedtimes, etc. We tried to talk about them openly right then so that we could present a united front when the issues came up. One of my children is now a teenager and believe me that having a united front is a must. Sometimes it feels like I am more of the disaplinarian than my husband but I suppose this is because I am the primary caregiver for our children. As long as both he and I are consistant the children will know that we support each other despite our differances. They still try though. We are learning though that with a teenager we both have to be willing to listen to her ideas and flex a little bit more at times.
Anyways, good luck and know that you are not alone.
M.

M.,

It depends on a couple of things. What sort of differences do you both have and/or share? Are you willing to sit down together and talk about what they are? You see, this is a touchy subject, yet not one that should be avoided. In order to be successful as parents you have to see eye to eye on things, and you have to be consistent. If not then yes you will have a very confused child, and parents that are very frustrated with one another. The best advice I could give you is to sit down and begin to talk with one another in depth about parenting. Talk about things you'd like to do as parents, talk about your up bringing, and the positive affects of your child reaering. Grandparents are a great source of wisdom too! You could also take a parenting class together, which is nice because you have someone working with the both of you, helping you sort out all of these parenting issues. If you belong to a local church talk to you counseling staff. There are many options out there!

I hope this helps!

A little about me:
I am a 35 year old happily married stay at home mama to 4 awesome boys ages 9,6, and twins that are 4.We are a Christian family and a Home Schooling family. God has really blessed our lives with great love for each other, great friends and family too!

Hi M.,

I 100% agree with Teresa the poster below. I couldn't have said it better myself.

While he's too young for it now, as larger issues come up you can always say, "Elijah, go to your room while your father and I discuss what punishment is appropriate" or whatever so you have time to talk with DH. That way you still get to appear that you are on the same page and WILL BE once you call him back out.

Good luck! :)

T.

You will also enjoy:

http://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=29Qhmp...

K.